Time For A Press Secy. Upgrade!

My play cousin AverageBro came back from his Labor Day weekend ready to chop some heads over at the Obama Administration. Along with saying “Van Jones can kick rocks” and see all up underneath the Greyhound bus, he also offered up Valerie Jarrett as she was supposed to vet the guy. (Noooo! Not my Valerie! Think of the shoes!) But there is one person I’ve been DYING to replace since he was named — Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.

More after the jump.

I don’t know if it’s his Porky Pig demeanor or the fact that he has none of the smart sex appeal of Tony Snow, but I never liked dude. After all, GWB’s press secretaries got better looking over time. From uggamuffin Ari Fleischer all the way up to your standard blonde, Republican babe, Dana Perino. I figured Obama would learn from the lessons of the past and pick the smartest, physically attractive person he could find to lie to me. That’s what I wanted. That’s ALL I ever asked for. They have to do a lot of TV as press secretary and take a lot of abuse. The least you could do is make them visually arresting. Even Deputy Press Secy. Bill Burton, an incognegro, is not bad on the ol’ peepers. Upgrade, man. You can’t do any worse.

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Here are some suggestions from myself and my friend Adeshola B. … some serious, some not:

Soledad O’Brien: She’s not doing anything important right now.

TJ Holmes: My first and always choice

Morgan Freeman: “He’s good enough at doing those voice overs,” Adeshola B.

Don Lemon: Lurve him.

Carlos Watson: Homeskillet just lost his show. And he’s not bad looking. He had your back on that whole is “socialist” the new “N-word” thing! Think about it.

Mario Lopez: What? “Now you know Mario’s dimples would set it off! The dimples and machismo would win over the room,” Adeshola B.




26 thoughts on “Time For A Press Secy. Upgrade!

  1. Frankly, I don’t see what’s so offensive about Gibbs. As press secretaries go, he’s doing an adequate job. He’s no threat to George Clooney, but I don’t need a martinee idol to speak for the White House. I love watching Perino on the podium, although I’ll take Gibbs’ spiel over hers anyday.

  2. I don’t see what looks has to with anything but I don’t think he is doing a good job point blank. I think David Axelrod has also ran his course with Obama and needs to go also. Valerie needs to go too if she is the one who kept choosing these folks who don’t file taxes and Van Jones.

  3. polticallyincorrect:How could Gibbs do a better job of defending or explaining Obama’s policies? What ever happened to don’t blame the messenger?

  4. Sorry Snob…As Jimmy Conway barked to Billy Bats in Goodfellas, "You’re a little out of order yourself there."Gibbs give and take with the press corps is a daily lesson in the fine art of Relaxed Determination. He’s not one to shoot off the cuff to the detriment of his boss. And if a mouthpiece has channelled the President to a greater degree in recent history, I can’t remember it. Is he a little country? Sure. But where’s the harm in having an accent?

  5. Gibbs is a buffoon, the WH equivalent of Madea. Seriously, this (and Jarrett) is what happens when you choose a bunch of your buddies for gigs, rather than seasoned pros. I’ve also called for his head in the past. If history is any indication, he’ll make it to about year 3, then write a weasley tell-all. If it were up to me, he wouldn’t have made it to month 3.http://www.averagebro.com/2009/07/people-i-strongly-dislike-robert-gibbs.htmlJamal Simmons isn’t as seasoned as I’d prefer either, but at least he can keep his cool. Go rescue him from Sizzler. Rogers would be good too. She’d never take the job, but Donna Brazille.

  6. I was just trying to pretty up the place. Shoot, I dislike gibbs, and he says things that the president has to go behind him and clean up. shoot this is america for christs sakes. We don’t care that much for smart unless it is cute. do you think anyone would have cared about Obama’s "ivy leagueness" or his political machinge had he not been photogenic…. Negroes please.

  7. ^^^^^ well, yea. you know some people are able to care about things like ability and intelligence AS WELL AS superficial things like looks and style.

  8. I’m just shocked that no one cracked a smile a Press Secy. Mario Lopez. That one was straight comedy. I stand by that. I don’t care. I’m going to laugh all day just thinking about it.

  9. Snob:The line about Lopez might be funnier if the reasoning behind folks dislike of Gibbs weren’t so laughably shallow.

  10. Scott I don’t like Gibbs because he mumbles bumbles and fumbles. And he doesn’t articulate the message well.

  11. C’mon, the point of the whole post IS that it’s superficial! That’s the point! I wasn’t being serious. Did I accidentally change the name of the blog or something today? Who knew there were so many Gibbs fans? LOL

  12. Adeshola Blue:That’s at least a better reason to be against him than that he isn’t as good looking as you might want.

  13. I can’t believe it. There is nothing wrong with Gibbs.Very few of the posters here have the intelligence to even understand what a Press Sect does let alone decided who is qualified to be one. Just stick to talking about hair styles, false fingernails and who is doing whom and you all will be fine.

  14. This post is ridiculous and ignorant. It demonstrates that you have zero grasp of what a press secretary actually does and what qualifications are required. You damage the slim value of this little site with every stupid article like this.

  15. @ Everybody!Do you all remember how I sometimes do that thing where I just poke fun at things for no reason? Satire? That thing!?!?! This was a satirical post. For heavens sake I said I wanted someone to look pretty while lying to me. Do I look like I want to be lied to? And I cover politics. I know what a press secy. does. I was making a FUNNY! Obviously it failed. I apologize to anyone offended by my joke that Mario Lopez would make a keen Press Secy. JOKES! Damn. Sometimes a girl just wants to have fun. There’s enough depressing crap in the news already.OK. I’m going to go now. You all can go back complaining about how horrible this post is. Have fun.

  16. @ Tired of the Phonies: Very few of the posters here have the intelligence to even understand what a Press Sect does let alone decided who is qualified to be oneme: You are excused for getting mixed up and thinking you were on tmz.com when you wrote that mess. don’t worry about it Danielle, some of us know you are not seriously thinking Mario is as cute as TJ-lol

  17. to clarify @ phonie: not sure how you got a well written, politically astute site like Snob mixed up with a dumb gossip rag, but whatever, you get my drift

  18. Good grief people! You’d think this was meant to be a serious discourse – it is satirical people! However, since it brought all kinds of thoughts to my head, some just as blatantly "shallow" others, well let me just state & I am serious when I say 1. Gibbs is as boring as he’s blubbering – I don’t care how "intelligent" he is or which of his fans thinks he’s smart or that we aren’t capable of anything but being shallow. I repeat he is a blubbering bore! 2. Don’t even joke about Mario – that isn’t funny on any level. He’s just plain dumber than a doorpost & to appease the NON shallow among us, & I’m being kind when I say, I don’t quite think he’s intellectually inclined. 3. Carlos Watson would be a perfect fit no explanation necessary.

  19. Call me silly, but I’m reading this post after midnight, and it’s hilarious. It’s nice not to read something depressing after so many days of negative news. Thanks for the laugh!

  20. Geez, you just know things are seriously off kilter in the world when people can’t recognize satire and humor. Now here’s my two choices for who I would like to see as President Obama’s press secretary – first, Katt Williams! Look, I’m not even going to try and justify why I named him, but seriously would ANY of us ever miss watching a press conference with Katt behind the podium? My second choice for press secretary is – CJ Cregg from The West Wing! That woman kicked major yazz doing her press conferences on the TV series. And while she’s not exactly eye candy, she would definitely keep it interesting.

  21. Oh Snob!I look exactly like Robert Gibbs, ‘cept I have a beard! – For real.*whimper*Anyway, press secretaries are supposed to be boring; Ben Stein would be perfect if he were a liberal.I better not shave that beard.

  22. Too funny!Thanks for the chuckle — and I would love looking at either Soledad or Mario at the normally dreary Press briefing.

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