TV Anchors Aren’t Rap Stars: Rick Sanchez Edition

Would Walter Cronkite get in a diss war with NBC? Methinks not. Well, at least not in public. But then, Ol Uncle Walt didn’t have Twitter and he wasn’t Rick “Rob Riggle” Sanchez. You see? The Riggle Sanchez is tired, t-i-r-e-d, TIRED of who he sees as those Latino sell-outs at FOX News. May I remind you that this man is paid to be somewhat of a professional and read the news on television, on CNN, for a living.

And this is what he tweets.

do u know how much money i’d make if i’d sold out as hispanic and worked at fox news, r u kidding, one problem, looking in mirror

More after the jump.

I get it Rick. “U” hate FOX News. Fine. Lots of people do. I don’t care for the network personally myself. But really? Initiating diss battles on Twitter? And I don’t like Geraldo Rivera either, but DAMN, what’s with the Cuban American on Cuban American mouth violence? What is with CNN and FOX News (and MSNBC) and all the bitch slapping that goes on between the three of them? First Campbell Brown says CNN is the only network still doing “real journalism” (Big three networks don’t count! Eff U, Tiffany Network and the fancy-pants 60 Minutes you rode in on!) Then there’s all the trash talk between CNN and FOX’s Greta Van Susteren. (Of course, she was, depending on who you believed quit/fired/let go/paid to leave/shat upon by CNN, so there’s actually a legitimate beef there.)

Then there are the regular diss battles between Keith Olbermann of MSNBC and Bill O’Reilly with O’Reilly engaging in a proxy war again NBC to get back at Olbermann. Chris Matthews is obsessed with Rush Limbaugh. (What am I saying? All of MSNBC’s punditocracy is obsessed with Rush Limbaugh.) What is going on, kids? It’s like the 90s and Tupac versus Biggie all over again, but with degrees from Columbia and Brooks Brothers suits.

And it continues because you know FOX wasn’t takin’ no mess from the Riggle Sanchez!

A Fox News spokesperson tells Mediaite: “Everyone knows that Rick is an industry joke, he shows that he’s a hack everyday. And he doesn’t have to worry about working at FOX because we only hire talent who have the ability to generate ratings.”

Aw, snap! Don’t make Rick have bust a cap is someone’s ass! All this smack talk makes me wonder some things. Is the Prince of West Memphis, aka TJ Holmes, a ride-or-die kind of guy for CNN or does he prefer not to get his beautiful face cut up in this Sharks v. Jets style, ridiculous fake knife fight? What’s Soledad’s bob-n-weave game like? Can Wolf Blitzer take a punch? Or, let’s call it out there, which news team would win in an actual fight as opposed to these LL Cool J, “The call me jaws/My hat is like a shark’s fin” rhymes you all are spitting?

I mean, a real rumble. Anchorman-style. (My favorite scene in the film, BTW.)

Considering that I strongly doubt that Wolf Blitzer knows Krav Magra, I’m going to suggest that CNN let their war correspondents do all the heavy lifting. Besides Michael Ware and Christiane Amanpour look like they could kill a guy or, have quite possibly killed a few people in their lifetime. A matter of fact, I have a long-running fantasy that Ware, Amanpour, CBS News’ Lara Logan and NBC’s Richard Engel fight crime together on the weekends. They call themselves The Deadliners and Christiane’s super powers come from the Goddess Diana, she packs a lasso of truth and flies a glass plane. That’s how badass they are. Oh, and Lara Logan could kill you just from staring at you too long.

But knowing the Deadliners, they’re too busy trying to get their piece on the election in Iran back on the air, (Re: serious news!) so that leaves the real fighting to the doughboys and pretty ladies of the big three cablers. Who would win? FOX’s army of blondes, led by Greta, Warrior Princess versus MSNBC’s tremendous twosome Tamron Hall and Christina Brown (She’s ex-military and tall, so she gets the bonus points!) versus CNN’s bossy brunettes Soledad O’Brien, Kiera Chierty and Kara Phillips?

As for the heavy-hitters, this is where it gets hinky. I can’t see Lou Dobbs, Wolf Blitzer, Campbell Brown and Anderson Cooper in a three-way fight with Chris Matthews, Ed Schultz, Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow versus Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck and Shephard Smith anyway. Because for all the woof tickets they sell, I don’t think not-nare-one-of-them can fight. Nada. Not even Papa Bear O’Reilly. Not Chris or Lou. Anyone who talks THAT MUCH would do more falling on their face than actual fighting. Slapboxing, maybe. I could see that. I could totally see Keith slapboxing someone. But straight up punches and kicks? The only ones in any decent physical shape are Cooper, Brown, Maddow and Smith and they all seem like the one’s most likely to want to settle this over tea and crumpets, not eye gouges. Hell, I’m almost positive Smith thinks the rest of his back up dancers are nuts anyway. He’s more likely to sit around asking Anderson how many reps he does to keep his abs so tight and asking Maddow who cuts her hair.

Long story short: Anchor people aren’t rappers. Stop with the battle rhymes and report me up some news! Especially you, Riggle Sanchez. We all know you wouldn’t win in a physical fight with Geraldo anyway. That man has been punched in the face by the Klan and hit with a chair. He’s effing indestructible. You break his nose and he rolls with the punches.

14 thoughts on “TV Anchors Aren’t Rap Stars: Rick Sanchez Edition

  1. I am having too much fun with this entry, and imagining a big free-for-all.You know, I could totally see Rachel and Anderson being sidekicks to Christiane and Michael Ware–they’re eager to move up. Anderson’s outfit would be fierce; Rachel’s would be comfortable and practical. Tamron strikes me as the kind of chick who keeps a razor blade under her tongue, and Soledad O’Brien looks like she’d be too worried about breaking her nails to throw a punch. I bet Wolf Blitzer is a hell of a wrestler: he’s short and thick, and he doesn’t look like he’d be afraid to take a body shot. Keith Olbermann…I don’t know. Something about him says "explosives expert."On the other side: Bill O’Reilly would be fight commentator–Lord knows he wouldn’t be able to shut up long enough to actually throw ‘bows. Shep Smith would "accidentally" pepper spray the Fox crew, and Glenn would run away crying. Hannity would blame the pepper spray incident on Obama’s hostility toward the Second Amendment–if Sean had a gun, fools would have got dealt wit’.

  2. Don’t know bout Kieth. He is kind of a nutcase you know, and it’s hard to judge crazy people. Plus his head is huge, and I could soooooooo see Olbermann headbutting O’Reilly in the teeth.

  3. Hey, Rick was telling the truth, I’m sure he isn’t hurting for cash but he could be a super big dog if he was a Latino handkerchef head and I get him props for not doing and for speaking truth to power . I half agree with Campbell Brown, there is one American network still doing "real" journalism but it ain’t CNN, it’s PBS with the NewsHour. Other than that, a pox on all of their houses. They are all a joke and so their having rap style dissing sessions is no biggie to me and futher strengthens my opinion that they are all McNews channels and the cable stations are the worst. Thank God for Public Radio, PBS, and the BBC. The tv media in this country has gone to hell in a handbasket.

  4. And he doesn’t have to worry about working at FOX because we only hire talent who have the ability to generate ratings.

    That’s probably true, because it’s obvious integrity isn’t a requirement. My money is on Ed Schultz.

  5. Between Snob and Babylonsista, this post has me in tears. As long as Sean Hannity gets stole on, I’m good.

  6. Great post Lisaj,,,,,,oreilly and oberman yelling at each other….HELP.!!!…BBC,,,yesssssss….Im OLD,,,,the days when geraldo was Jerry Rivers…….and Cronkite was trusted,,,,what "news person " is trusted today???

  7. Very funny post. Makes an excellent point as well. So many people I know were shocked that a comedian playing a journalist was voted "most trusted," I was not. As soon as tv journalists traded in who-what-where-when-why for hair bleach and veneers it was over for "real" televised journalism. The most comprehensive, even-handed news is on the interenet. At: to be exact.

  8. Rick Sanchez would be a great fit at Fox. When I was a little girl, I had to put up with his antics on our local station in Miami, WSVN. He was a festering pus ball back then and he is one now. He’s all about the "show. And Cubans (while SLOWLY changing) will eat up a Republican fest! They love it! They think democrats are the second coming of Castro, even though it’s been YEARS since all that mess occured and we’re talking American politics and not Cuba’s. Everything for them (even if they weren’t born there and are young and have little to no ties) revolves around Cuba and nothing else. It’s very sad and I hate to say it, but it’s very well known fact in this area. They seem to be biting off their noses to spite their faces.

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