Ask Nia is The Black Snob’s weekly advice column. Here Nia Orms (and her multiple personalities) take on the problems that plague your lives. This week Nia(s) helps out a reader trying to move a friendship to a relationship.
Ok so here is the situation. I have been knowing this guy for the better part of two years and I am so conflicted about our situation. We are friends. We have not slept together but have fooled around. On many occasions I have stopped talking to him, deleted his number and cussed him out but it seems that we keep coming back to each other. We are not dating but we do tend to interact like we are a couple. I am not sure how I feel about him anymore. I used to be crazy over him but now I am not sure. It seems like just when I was like “it’s whatever” he starts coming at me hard. He recently moved to another city (it’s only about and hour away) but now I am sad and confused about our situation. I don’t know what to do.
Tell him it’s over and you movin’ to Harlem with me. I’m your man now. I got a girl, you know what I’m sayin’, but I don’t like her. Sounds like you look good and you know what you want. I like that. We don’t even got to sleep with each other the first week, ‘cause I’m patient like that. I be taking my time and enjoying the atmosphere. Forget about him, we can do this together. Damn, I love you girl.
I am going to spend much time here with you because I get so many questions about this topic. Trust me, many are happy that you shared your story.
You are not sad and confused, you want love. That is what we all want. You didn’t mention why he moved away but I sense that he is loving himself first. He is absolutely correct in doing this. You must love yourself first. Remember where you come from. You come from a creative source. Call it what you want, God, Energy, I don’t care if you call it pizza, but you know what I’m talking about. It is that voice, that feeling, that knowing within that said you have something to learn from this man. The key here is to put your relationship to your Self, the source that created you, first. Every woman has been where you are now. One day you feel this guy is your soul mate, the next you despise him. Oh I have been there so many times! When I go there it is because I have forgotten what true love is. True love is what we call puppy love. People laugh about puppy love and say that’s what happens to youth when they know nothing about love but in reality it is the opposite. Puppy love is the same kind of love that a mother has for her child, it is unconditional, real, and is total acceptance. You said that when you are like “it’s whatever” that’s when he seems to come around more. There is no mystery to why this happens in all relationships. Even though you are not physically near him, he can energetically feel whether or not you are truly loving him or not and letting him be and individual. If you love yourself first while loving him for who he is and not concentrating on what you would like him to be or do for you, then he feels free to come around. I’m not saying to continue to be physical with this guy and allow him to come and go as he pleases. Only you know how that makes you feel afterwards, if it’s full of pleasure then go for it. If you feel like you are being used or have any feelings that are not bringing you joy from the situation, return to your source and put that relationship first. Please don’t forget that no matter how hard of a time he may give you, underneath it all he wants love too. He is no different than any of us, we all are here for love. The confusion comes when we think we need another to be complete. We are born individuals and we will die individuals. True love relationships respect the others individuality, talents, gifts and aspirations and those are not to be compromised or cut off when two people love each other. It is great for people to have their own lives and then come together and share what they have experienced.
If you are down for this I would like you to try the following for at least a week. It has helped many women that I know. Whenever you are not feeling complete love for this man, see his image in your mind or look at a picture of him and repeat to yourself ,”I love and accept you for who you are.” You can even be with someone else and still love him! All true love relationships are eternal, true love never dies. I would love to hear back from you and others who have read this and applied this unconditional and true love approach. At first it may be difficult but over time you will love the freedom that true love brings to your life. It can only get better from here.
Nia Orms is a writer and actress based out of Los Angeles, Calif. who is The Black Snob’s resident advice columnist. Send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org, with the subject line marked “Ask Nia.” To learn more about Nia and her one-woman show, click here. You can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter.
Copyright niaorms 2009