He Said/She Said

The No Pants Dance

Politicians cheat for the same reason everyone else does — they thought they could get away with it.

Americans are often accused by their European cousins that we’re a bunch of Puritanical, confused, fuddy-duddies with Madonna-whore complexes. Guilty as charged! We don’t know what to think of sex. We hate pornography, yet its a multi-billion dollar industry. We want our politicians to be chaste, but our housewives, extra desperate. So when someone who’s been all “Focused on the Family-ed” like South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, his downfall was already written in the Argentine stars of hot South American sex.

More after the jump.

Oh, those hot and tempting South Americas! You’re such an incredibly good looking continent. How could we ever resist your Spanglish (or Portuguesish) charms? Sanford couldn’t! And he had a wife and four kids at home! They could have been the Republican Kennedys! What’s the hope for the rest of us?

Sanford, both sadly and hilariously, fell on his own coochie getting sword (and by sword, I mean penis) Wednesday when he announced that he was a cheater after he went all Harry Horny Houdini on everyone and “disappeared.” His wife didn’t know where he was. His office didn’t know where he was. The governor was missing! Had he gone hiking in the Appalachians? No? Well, where was he? Someone saw his car at the airport? He’s still updating his Twitter account? What the fudge?

So, naturally, because all the stories were so CRAZY about his whereabouts, everyone knew the truth HAD to be worse. I was hoping for an even more exotic and bizarre truth about his emo bisexual lover Pedro the illegal alien and that Pedro was being deported back to Spain so he was stepping down from office to chase some hot gay illegal immigrant lovin’. But alas, it was just another BORING “I cheated on my wife and let my family down” tale of sexy woe.

In the age of YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, camera phones, email, text messaging, 24-hour media and Google Earth it is AMAZING that public figures still think like your garden variety SUPER GENIUS skeezy poon hound who gets caught on Cheaters. But they’re only human. From horny possible illegitimate child producing former presidential candidate John Edwards to intern humping Sen. John Ensign — everybody’s getting their freak on with everyone but the one they put the ring on. And it’s always been that way.

A lot of people say this boondoggle will spell the end for Sanford and his once lofty dreams of being president. Others think he should step down (those would be pundits). I say what I always say — stay and fight like hell.

Sanford’s a Republican. I’m not. But Bill Clinton basically proved you could do the “no pants dance” and live to tell about your near national firing. This idiot is probably already headed for D-I-V-O-R-C-E and is being eviscerated in the press, so he’s getting his political stoning. But fuck it. We’re way too hung up on politicians doing the nasty. Politicians are horny people too! If Sanford deserves to get dumped it’s not for screwing around, but for being screwy. Disappearing for a near week? And telling NO ONE WHERE YOU ARE? Yeah, it’ll make a great romantic comedy when the movie comes out, but in real life, that’s crazy stupid. 

Of course, unlike horny Democrats who everyone assumes have some kind of sexy time issues (they’re Liberal and so are their private parts!), Republicans get caught in that double-bind because they cling to the whole “family values” meme and pimp the crap out of it to get conservative votes. Then, when they get caught sans pants they get hit with the double whammy of embarrassment and cries of hypocrisy. You’re not really Mr. Family Values. You’re Mr. Love Me Long Time! If they’d stop using the holier than thou rhetoric and get real, the response might be less brutal, but hey, he made his hot Argetine bed. Now he’s got to lie in it.

Somewhere Laura Kipnis is laughing.

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8 thoughts on “The No Pants Dance

  1. dukedraven says:

    He’s getting his comeuppance and I don’t feel sorry for him. Sanford, your career is over. Pack your bags and take that Confederate flag with you. Hee, hee

  2. Natasha says:

    Your closing lines say it all. I wish Republicans would get off their family values bandwagon because it’s obvious that they are just as human as everyone else.I don’t get what cheating on your wife has to do with doing your job. He should stay where he is and ride it out. He’s simply a politician who got caught/outed himself. There are others doing the same thing who we don’t know about.

  3. devessel says:

    Don’t forget the part where you turn a presser (or Oprah’s couch) into a confessional…maybe it’s just the early equinox fatigue setting in, but really, can’t we just all leave Jon, Kate, the Darling 8, the Governor, the Argentinian, Jenny-the Saint, the four Innocents, the Senator, the Wife, her Husband an’ ‘nem to their cleanup while we attend to our own glass houses?

  4. "Politicians cheat for the same reason everyone else does — they thought they could get away with it." Or they’re not happy. Or they found their true love. Or they want sex. Or…….you get the point.

  5. MsKitty says:

    @NatashaYour last paragraph is on point, but the $64,000 question is did Sanford make his booty calls on the taxpayers’ dime? We already know he used a state vehicle to drive to ATL. Considering Sanford was all big and bad about turning down the federal stimulus while SC schools were crumbling and folks couldn’t extend their unemployment benefits, his constituents have a right to follow the money.

  6. JJ says:

    Your last paragraph is on point, but the $64,000 question is did Sanford make his booty calls on the taxpayers’ dime? We already know he used a state vehicle to drive to ATL. Considering Sanford was all big and bad about turning down the federal stimulus while SC schools were crumbling and folks couldn’t extend their unemployment benefits, his constituents have a right to follow the money.And that’s what should get him fired…not the poon.

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