Sometimes the White Girl (Or Guy) Isn’t About You (Unconventional Wisdom)

If this picture makes you mad, maybe you should ask yourself a few things. Like, why on earth do you care?

A long crusty time ago in a high school far, far away there was an “epic” schoolyard fight over a boy, a black boy, who was dating a white girl who road my bus. The exact reasons for the fisticuffs have been lost somewhat to history, but I vaguely recall that two black girls decided to take it upon themselves to “jump” the girl from my bus in the stairwell just before school let out.

Perhaps one of the girls used to date the black boy. Perhaps some words had been spoken. But the fight was clearly over the boy and the gall of this particular white girl to date him. So they did confront her in the stairwell and shockingly, the white girl in question actually won the two-on-one fight.

I can still remember her elated face on the bus that afternoon as she talked about the fight in the most hyper voice possible, adrenaline still pumping. Her boyfriend was strangely proud and I was befuddled.

Mostly because I have always thought fighting over a boy, any boy, was dumb, even at 15. It hardly seemed worth it. And while, back then, I thought I understood why a couple of black girls would think it was a “beatdownable” offense for a white girl to date a black guy at our school, I knew the girl on the bus personally and she was a nice person.

I went years not thinking about the incident (which is why my memory of it is so crusty), but one day — and I can’t remember when — I got tired of caring about interracial dating.

More after the jump.

I got tired of ill placed anger at strangers I didn’t know. I got tired of looking at every interracial couple then immediately thinking of my “widdle” feelings. What the hell did these people have to do with me? It wasn’t like they’d met, started dating and married just to personally ruin my day. The insecurity and anger was illogical. Especially considering most of the time I didn’t actually want any of the men who had the white girlfriend or wife. I didn’t even know them. It seemed like a waste of time because …

It wasn’t about me.

I know plenty of black women (and black men to a lesser extent) who were amazingly militant about the whole black-white pairings and are prone to fly into some form of bitterness or rage as if every black-white coupling was a personal affront to their own self-worth. (See anything related to Tiger Woods) Every couple became a moment of doubt to question themselves, then turn and question the couple. It was usually assumed the individual had “sold out” in some fashion or hated black people or themselves or both and were an awful person and that the white person, by association, was some smug interloper sent to make our lives miserable by stealing all the “good” black men from “us.” That the interloper thought they were better than us and special because they had been chosen by this wayward Negro and so the self-hate train would ride into town.

Of course, there was never anyway to verify that these were the cases. They were mere assumptions based on what we’d heard or read or inferred or hoped was true. Because its easier to say “He must hate all women like me” than say “I sometimes lack confidence because I have issues with how I look and feel.” No one wants to openly admit to all those doubts of maybe if I was more (fill in the blank) I would be better accepted, more desirable. Hate spiral is MUCH easier and powerful. You can feel pretty energized after going on a good rant about “no good, self-hating Negroes” and referring to all white women who date black men as “snowflake.”

Black people, despite our best efforts, tend to have some self-esteem issues. For some it’s worse than others depending on what they had to personally endure. But it doesn’t matter how light or dark you are, we all have to deal with some form of dreaded “Negro Derangement Syndrome” beset by growing up as a minority in a majority culture.

Part of that derangement is being routinely told via media and other black people that you are not good enough. Not light enough. Not pretty enough. Don’t have Western features. Aren’t the ideal beauty. With women, this is particularly devastating. Add to that fact that black women tend to be the most dogged about dating and marrying within their race, but are also the least likely to get married, the level of sexual jealousy is extremely high. Often to the point of being unbearable.

It was like everyone I knew was Angela Bassett and this was “Waiting to Exhale” and “Git yo’ shit” was the rallying cry. Everyone had a story of a slight, perceived or real, of abandonment by black men for white women. The most dramatic one I can recall was an old friend from my youth who was madly in love with a biracial man who identified himself as black, got her pregnant, but didn’t want a child so she wound up having an abortion. They would later break up and he would later end up getting a white woman we both knew pregnant. She had the child and he sold his most prized possession, his expensive SUV, to buy a smaller car and his new girlfriend a car of her own.

My friend pretty much died inside, because as insulting as it was for him to have moved on from their relationship so quickly, he’d done it with a dreaded white girl. It made her put in doubt everything about their past relationship and her friends and enemies alike, latched on the white girl part rather than the “Your ex-boyfriend really sounds like an ass” part. Not that she helped it. For some sick reason she still wanted this man. Even though he’d proven to be not dependable and shallow. It was easy to focus on the white girl, who she didn’t know very well and was not within our circle of friends, but it was her ex-boyfriend who’d hurt her. And because he was so shallow he was more than likely to move on and hurt his white girlfriend too (which he eventually did). The man she was crying and fighting over was HARDLY a prize, yet I saw how it destroyed her self-esteem.

I tried to tell her that sometimes, it isn’t about you. That his choices were about him and what he wanted. Her boyfriend treated her badly the whole time they were together. Why would she even want or care what he does? Let the white woman deal with his drama. I found it unlikely that the same guy who wanted one girl to get an abortion was going to be Mr. Liberated and Sensitive Man with the white girl. And he was just as much of a troglodyte with his new girlfriend as he was with the old. She just kept her baby.

She still got stuck with him. Horrible, no good him.

Yet the angst remained.

As an adult I knew black people who struggled with trusting blacks who’d married outside of their race, even if they were still very involved with the community. I befriended a pair of siblings who had both married white people, but were involved in mentoring black students. They loved their spouses and families, but talked about their own problems, like dealing with a daughter who was more drawn to identify with her white mother’s side than her black father’s because of the racism she’d experienced as a child. This bothered her father who wanted his daughter to be proud of being both white and black. They weren’t self-loathing, self-hating black people. They were just black people who happened to have married white people. And they hadn’t actively sought out to marry only white people. They just married people they could relate to. It didn’t make any sense to despise or be judgmental of these couples who became my friends.

Because, again, it wasn’t about me.

I’m not one who talks about interracial dating as the panacea to all the woes of single black women. I think it’s weird when some folks go the full 180 and almost reduce it to a fetish, preaching to the gospel of “date a white man” with the same vigor as those who act like black women are embroiled in some dating war over black men. But then I’m not someone who feels the need to prove how down I am either by saying things like I’m so down that I don’t even find lighter black people with Western features attractive. (A statement I will never quite get. I mean, you’re so not attracted to white people you reject light skinned black people too? Is that based on pre-rejection because you think the light skinned people will reject you for being darker, and if so, isn’t this another “it’s not about you” scenario?)

Taking it personal doesn’t help anyone. If someone dates someone outside of their race it was because they wanted to and not because something is inherently wrong with you (or them for that matter). Even if the person doing the dating outside of their race is of the type who bad mouths other black people, that still has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. That’s all about them and their own self-loathing.

If I could go back in time and talk to those two girls before they decided to jump the white girl in the stairwell, I would ask them why? Why would you fight over a boy who doesn’t want you and why would you attack the girl when, again, it was the boy who chose her? Why would you risk getting kicked out of school just to stop the inevitable? Some black guys are going to date white girls. Attempting to beat up the white girls will not turn that tide. That boy didn’t belong to you just because you shared the same pigmentation. He wasn’t promised to you.

It’s just not worth it.

People would be better served in building their own self-confidence rather than trying to control the uncontrollable. You’d be better off learning to love yourself than becoming mired in bitterness and hate over that thing that’s not really about you. We all want to be loved and desired, but you’re not going to get it if your too worried about what Becky and ’em are doing with that black guy over there.


Agree? Disagree? Is there a bigger problem going on here or is it really not about you? Share your comments and opinions below. And if you’re so inclined, you can write the counter-argument to this post, and we’ll pring it here on The Black Snob. This story is part of a series on interesting, unusual, funny and unconventional takes on issues. To see the full list of issues that will be covered, click here. To read past stories, click here.

143 thoughts on “Sometimes the White Girl (Or Guy) Isn’t About You (Unconventional Wisdom)

  1. Also, see the "Black Girls Rock It" site on the General Snobbery sidebar. We really do "rock it" and many men of other races notice that.

  2. And while we’re talking about singers, why did Usher got so much flack from black women after he married his wife? Se’s a dark skinned, older woman with kids from a previous marriage and you would think sisters would be overjoyed. Instead she got nothing but abuseI side eye any man that throws over his mother for a woman. If she hadn’t of been married, with 3 children, but still seemed to be the cause of his breakup with his mother, you don’t think Black women would still be down on her? But, combine, married, with children, AND the issues with his mother = nothing but trouble.

  3. Tiger Woods rubbed me the wrong way when he started talking that ‘cablinasian’ shit. Message to Tiger: Mofo, you are seen as black and asian, and in many cases you are seen as a negro regardless of your mother’s race and regardless of your stupid ‘cablinasian’ word. Technically we are all mixed with different races but unfortunately the reality is we are recognized by the color of our skin. He would rather be white than anything and that’s why he doesn’t really want to be associated with being black. Hell, Barack Obama is mixed with black and white, but at least he realizes no matter how he acts the world sees him as black.

  4. True story, I was visiting my best friend in Houston and we are walking around IKEA laughing, and buying stuff we don’t need. I round a corner and there is a black male coming towards us, he catches sight of me and RECOILS IN FEAR. Picture me 5’5" 135 lb. scaring the crap out of a grown ass man. I asked my friend if she saw what I saw and what wuz up? She said maybe it was cause he was with a white girl. I hadn’t even noticed.

  5. thelady, that happened to me at the mall. I was shopping with my friend and this black guy was also shopping with his white girlfriend. The girl was trying out some clothes, but the guy kept glancing at us for some reason. He made us feel very uncomfortable, lol. My friend and I ignored him. We didn’t want him to go away thinking that we cared about his relationship. Something like that happened again involving one of our asian friends. She introduced me and another black girl to her black boyfriend. The guy wouldn’t even look either of us in the eye. It was so weird! After they broke up, my friend told me that she’d seen pics of his old girlfriends and they were all biracial or not black. Which may have explained his reaction. I think that IR couples have to deal with a lot. My Asian friend told me about some of the problems they went through. However, sometimes they may be reading too much into what some random person on the street is thinking. Hey I may be reading too much into IR, BM/WW reaction to BW. Its hard to tell sometimes. That’s why dialog is always good.

  6. You know, living in Seattle, I’d say that many white men are attracted to black women; problem is that black women aren’t as willing to explore those interracial lines as black men are. This is where it all begins. We start digging into our self-worth in trying to explain why the black man is going for the white woman: maybe im too dark, my nose is too big, my hair is too ‘kinky’, i’m not pretty, etc. etc. And black men KNOW THIS!!!! They know that it bugs us……and guess what?! THEY SECRETLY ENJOY THE ATTENTION. Why give someone that satisfaction when IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!!In fact, to give an example, I went out with my sister and her white guy friend the other day. Mind you, they are only friends yet the black men in the club were in awe that we had brought this white guy into a black club. But this didn’t stop the men from flocking towards us…they were eager to meet us because they could see we were accepting of all cultures and that is one of the most attractive qualities – being OPEN MINDED. We are living in 2009 and some of us are still stuck in 1940 when we look at the friends that we surround ourselves with. So as an ode to my Black Sisters, I would strongly encourage you to step out of the black race and experience other cultures/races/ethnicities. This world is a melting pot of folks and if you can allow yourself to step out of your comfort zone, it will change the way you perceive the world and other people.

  7. I have to come clean……my high school sweetheart was adamant about his objections to dating white women…….then he went to school in Colo Springs… know what happened…….he married a "Katie"…….I was heartbroken , but not surprised.

  8. Years after graduating from high school I ran into a Black guy i grew up with. He was with a White woman, and he struck up a convo with me while totally ignoring her which was unbelievably rude. I guess he thought i would feel negative about their relationship, but what the hell did I care. I introduced myself to her, we complimented each others outfilts and we started talking about clothes and shopping. He just stood there looking foolish, not knowing what to add to the conversation. It was kinda fun to fu– with his head like that, with all that fake female bonding.

  9. I remember very clearly how all the black guys in my high school loved them some "Amy’s". These dudes wouldn’t even date the pretty white girls, for some reason they were all up on the ugly ones. But what surprised me is that when it came to their dates for prom, they chose to come with black girls. What’s up with that? I mean they dated the white girls throughout high school and then they want to bring black girls for the last hoorah of high school. I guess they didn’t want a white girl in the prom pictures they had to bring home to the fam.

  10. Here goes an idea… how bout, on this, and really any issue, people put their humanity at the center of their identity and hang with others who do likewise and don’t sweat the petty opinions of those who don’t.

  11. I don’t know if it’s just me…but I feel more threatened by light-skinned women than white women.

  12. Notes wrote:"Tiger Woods rubbed me the wrong way when he started talking that ‘cablinasian’ shit."Notes, why don’t you re-read the article, as apparently you gained nothing from reading it the first time. While the points made were specifically about the reaction of many Black American women to interracial relationships, most of these points apply to the reaction of many Black Americans to mixed race identity. Why do you care how Tiger Woods identifies? Do you own Tiger Woods? Is your self-worth that low? Is pride in your group that dependent on whether or not someone identifies just as you do? Many mixed race people, like Woods, choose not to solely base their identity on how the ignorant will view/treat them. And please, please stop with the "we are all mixed" argument. Suppose you find out you have a Chinese or Thai ancestor from 100 years ago or even just 50 years ago. Do you really think this is the same thing as Tiger Woods’ Chinese/Thai mother, who raised him, in the here and now? Do you really think having an English, Irish etc. ancestor somewhere in the family tree — especially if this ancestor entered the family tree under less than desirable circumstances (i.e., slave owner) — is the same as a mixed person with a White parent in the here and now? Besides, it’s not just most Black Americans who are mixed. 1/3 of White Americans have a slave ancestor (i.e., a West African ancestor). Ditto for most Latinos. I could go on and on about mixing that occurred in other times and other parts of the world, but hopefully you get the point. Finally, Obama identifies as Black. That’s his business. If most Black Americans accept him as not just Black in general but Black American/African-American in particular — even though he does not share their personal history, that’s their business. But to say “the world” sees Obama as Black reveals your American cultural bias/ignorance. In many if not most parts of Africa, for instance, Obama is not seen as Black. In some parts of Africa, Obama might even be seen as White. Ain’t race a trip!

  13. Found this site today, fascinated by the responses to this article. I have the impression that I’m on the far end of the demographic here as far as age is concerned, since I was born in the early 1950’s. In my life, I’ve learned this: whoever you date, somebody is going to be unhappy about it. Anyone’s adverse reaction to whoever I choose to date is strictly their problem. My own life is complex enough that I can’t spend any time wondering about anyone else’s motivations for anything. I know that I’m with the woman I’m with now not because she’s white, but because she’s an astounding, smart, sexy, funny woman who finds me incredibly attractive on a lot of levels. Works for me. That’s all that really matters.

  14. I stopped reading The Black Snob for a while, after your emergency vacation, which was just before a trip to New York and Washington. I ‘m glad to see you’ve got your writing groove back on. Keep it up!

  15. There are a lot of people on here saying "I see what Black Snob means, but……". If you really understood, you would simply accept that its not about you. There is no such thing as "acceptance, but….". You either accept or you don’t. Some people on here still have issues they need to work out….

  16. Honestly, love is love. I am a 20-year-old black woman, and I wouldn’t give a care if I saw a white woman and a black man dating. I do know though that black women get a stigma of being against WF/BM pairings, but that is just a stereotype that was so graciously bestowed upon us. Truthfully, as a black woman who has only been on dates with white men, I get a TON of stares from black men AND white women… it’s odd and totally a double standard.

  17. As a multi-race Caribbean woman married to a White ‘n’ Chinese Caribbean man, we honestly don’t know what the fuss is all about.

  18. I was in college (early 70’s)…a junior if I recall correctly, and a resident advisor. The campus was predominately white with a handful of Black students. I’m bi-racial, identifying as Black. This gorgeous Black male freshman arrives on campus and starts to work his way thru the menu of women of all colors. We met, because it was hard not to, and engaged in the mutual flirtation that lasted if I recall a semester. As I had a single room as an RA, he would sleep at my place. I’ll never forget one morning after his departure one of the white girls throwing an absolute hissy fit demanding that I stop pulling the eligible good looking younger guys. I was struck by the irony of it all….A white girl bitching about me pulling the brother… smh…

  19. hmm. i read this article and some of you may not like what I have to say but please do listen very, very closely-especially if you’re a white or latina, suburban-ish girl in high school or in her 20a (black girls should listen too although if youre black you probably already know what im about to say). I am writing based on many years of observing and being friends with white girls and also being friends with black guys in high school, college and in my late 20s/early 30s:-when I hung out with the black guy friends who lived next door to me on campus when I was in college, they were pretty much about getting laid WITHOUT a condom. plain and simple. mind you, i went to a state school but there were alot of black guys there. I really made an effort to try and understand black people there since I went to a mostly white highschool and so Id try and learn as much about black culture and to befriend them and so I is mostly thinking about sex a problem? not really especially if youre of college age. But these guys sadly represented a pattern of social irresponsibility for personal behavior by their way of thinking and what they consider acceptable social behavior.The black guys I got to know were all in their early to mid 20s and most if not all had 2-3 year old daughters or sons from women they got pregnant (mostly black women who were now raising the baby on their own while the black guys continued to sow their wild oats indiscriminately). But as importantly, the black guys were all very much into "street culture"-they all had a "i dont give a fuck" attitude and they were all "streetsmart" . college to them was about getting a degree not really about getting an education. there is a big difference.So I became friends with them hoping I would learn something I didnt already know or somehow couldnt learn in my high school and what I really learned was that i didnt want to be like them or have anything to do with their way of thinking, especially when one of them told me "look-to get laid you need to manipulate. you need to maniplate women." When I heard that I asked him to explain and he told me that girls arent hard to manipulate. espcaially the white chicks theyre easy but black women they know your game so it aint as easy-theyll give you too much drama" So what does this have to do with my white female friends?well, lets first think about this. for one thing white girls come from a family unit (ie parents) who actually care alot more about how their kids are raised and who their kids hang out with. Alot of black kids, especially from a bad neighborhood, on the other hand probably wont have that level of attention from their parents for whatever reason. This leads to black guys learning from their "hood" at a young age & learning from "the streets". White girls grow up largely sheltered by their parents and so when they come of age (19+ years old) they are forced to learn things on their own and this especially applies to men and dating and the "real world" and it can be scary.For the most part white girls are simply NOT streetsmart but black men (because of their upbringing and "street education") are streetsmart and as a result black guys arent afraid to use every card they have to hook up with a white girl they are interested in. If you are a black woman you simply arent as attractive to a black man when compared to a white woman-even a fat white woman or hispanic woman is more attractive to a black man than a black woman. Black guys see non-black women (especially white women) as status symbols and would rather be seen with them . they dont want a black woman when they are given a choice. This is true so accept it and deal with it. I knew and asked this question to alot of black guys i met in college-and i mean back to a certain white female friend I know. She was approached by a black guy who was very aggressive with her sexually (she told me what happened and what he said and did and it was consistent with what the black guys in college were like and told me about how to hook up with girls). my female friend is not streetsmart but the black guy who got her pregnant IS streetsmart. To this day, she regrets having gone out with him but she didnt want to be "racist" – she was terrified of being called a racist and so she gave him a chance but it was a real mistake she made. sadly, if she didnt go up so sheltered she wouldnt have been "played" by this now long gone black where is this guy who basically foced his way into her life and her pants? great question. noone knows. but one thing is for sure, he is probably moving onto the next girl and probably hooking up again fo his own pleasure without any concept of responsibility. And unfortunatly his behavior represnts the norm, not the exception.sadly many women today (especially young women) already have self-esteem issues and many young black men will use this and manipulate this to their own advantage to get laid. its really that advice to black women is this: MOVE ON. LOVE YOURSELF. DEVELOP YOUR OWN SENSE OF SELF-ESTEEM. avoid most young black men if you want to be treated right (as you deserve to). If youre lucky enough to find a good man (regardless of his race) hold onto him dont give him drama and take care of him. treat him right.if youre a white girl or hispanic or asian girl STOP BEING NAIVE. IT DOESNT MAKE YOU A BITCH OR RACIST TO SAY "NO THANK YOU" TO A MAN. in this specific example, being naive will lead to you getting pregnant and then most likely raising the kind on your own. Trust me it’s not a life anyone would want and its not fair to the kid who wont have a parent around growing up because his mom is working 2 jobs to support both of them. dont think it can happen to you? just look around and do your own just might be surprised what you find so wake up.and to the average black man in america I say this: get your act together and ask yourself "am I making america a better place…or am I "doing what I gotta do to make my ends". GROW UP. Get a life. stop doing bad, childish shit and realize your selfish actions actually do have consequences.thanks for reading everyone.

  20. I go to an HBCU so I’ve had alot of young black gentlemen come up and talk to me. I’m off the market now but still they are out there. :)========================================================an how long do they stay and talk to you before you have to open your legs. I attended a HBCU and that is all those guys do

  21. I found what you wrote very moving and I think every person of any color should have that mind set. Coming from experience I can personally relate and to everything you said. Self hatred is a huge problem in the black community and I feel that If everyone saw it like you do things would be a lot better.

  22. I have no problem with interracial dating. I just have a problem when black people talk down on the black race. Unfortunately, this is usually the case with black men. Black women are more inclined to support black men. All my friends are always talking about how sexy black men are and how they need a man, etc. My friend, who is a black woman, was dating a white male. She told me that she gets more attention from Hispanic men then black men, but she would prefer to date a black man. Another friend of mine who is also a black woman, had a Hispanic coworker try to hook her up with her black male friend. But the black male friend responded to the Hispanic woman that he only dates Hispanic or white women. The Hispanic woman was shocked and was offended by his statement, even though she isn’t black. In the university that I attend, nearly all of the black men only date white women, so I see it all the time. However, my friend had a black guy tell her that he is not attracted to black women, (but he was attracted to her) and he usually dates outside his race for that reason. This self hate is saddening. The problem isn’t the interracial dating. It might be an outcome, but it isn’t the cause.

  23. I enjoyed the thoughts. First of all I think how confident that we are about who we are is inward. I changed the color of my brown hair to dark brown hair. I hated it. I know that many women have nothing on me so I did not hate myself I hated the hair color. My parents gave me the gift of self love. I am medium complexioned and white men and black men are attracted to me. I like both. Not for the color. Do I get the looks from both sides? Yes. But again, confident in my own skin helps me to deal with those that are not.

  24. i feel sad when i think about blacks in this country and how different MLK’s vision is compared to how they have turned out. the blacks of the 1950s were actually very different from the blacks of today. black culture in america is a reactionary culture, which means it is a reaction to how black people THINK they are treated by non-blacks. it is rooted on PERCEPTION, NOT REALITY. let me explain.Black people make a much bigger deal about their skin color than other races do about them being black. The truth is nowadays in america, its actually very rare for someone to discriminate against you solely on the basis of the color of your skin. But many blacks are still suspicious of non-blacks. why? In the 1950s in america the worst thing you could be called was a communist, but today the worst thing you can be called is a racist. But being a racist means you dont accept someone for thir skin color (ie their race is different than your own). Blacks in america use the "race card" whenever they dont get their way. They do it all the time – on college campuses (with administrators, faculty or even when it comes to dating), in the workplace, etc. This is actually an example of a much bigger problem which is that of the "black double standard". i could go on and on about this but Ill just list a few examples here:1-a black person has the right to walk into any non-black neighborhood, but non-blacks do NOT. why is this?2-black women will constantly talk about how much they hate black men, but the moment a black man is criticized FOR HIS BEHAVIOR, they suddenly feel the need to defend him. huh?3-if a black man/women asks you out and you say "no", they will imply that you are a racist (uhh…maybe I just dont like your rude/obnoxious behavior?)4-society and the media portray black men as being a "real man" in order to make everyone fully accept black men (yes, there actually is such a thing as an agenda-even in the media-surprise, surprise), yet overlooks all the shitty things blacks do in american society (daily armed robbery, the destruction of a city called detroit, drive-by shootings, ultra violence, almost all of the rapes (reported and unreported) commited in america everyday, etc. Yes, even the media fears the label "racist". just because they dont talk about it doesnt mean it doesnt exists.5-blacks in america are very different from blacks in other countries (such as england-scroll to the top of the article to see a picture of SEAL, who is BRITISH and therefore married to a supermodel. she would never have married any other black american singer like an american hiphop artist). blacks in england are alot more respectable and have alot more self-respect. they dont have a sense of entitlement that blacks here in america have. blacks in this country feel that they are "entitled" to everything vs actually working hard to get it. (Obama got in trouble for insinuating this to the black community recently. )A good example of this is with black men dating white women. Black men feel entitled to "something better", which they perceive as having white skin. fyi black guys actually joke around with each other about getting white girls pregnant. i know black guys and trust me, they are out to get white chiks pregnant-surprise, surprise.6-colleges/universities somehow look the other way when a black athlete doesnt "make the grade" because if they suspended that athlete academically they wouldnt won the big game. this happens all the time despite what the NCAA says or does. i was friends with black athletes who never studied but somehow passed. that is interesting.7-the more successful a black man is in his career, the less likely he is to marry/end up with a black woman. of course there are a few exceptions (obama) but he’s actually half black. im talking about american blaks (for example, tiger woods, michael jordan, michael jackson, etc to name a few) why is this? because white=better, prettier, etc8-companies are forced to have a "black head count" which means they are forced to hire a certain # of blacks. if they dont they face legal action. is that fair? maybe we dont want to hire you because …well…youre just not as qualified?The problem in this country isn’t how whites are towards non-whites (which is how it used to be in the 1950s), the problem in this country today is how blacks are towards non-blacks. Blacks have degraded the decent, wholesome social fiber of america, a place which was supposed to be for everyone but instead has been forced to accomodate itself for mostly them and them alone.such is the power of perception. When you oppress someone, it will always comes back to haunt you.

  25. I think this post is great, and I am interested reading all the responses. I am married to an Arabic guy, and its not that I went out looking for Arabic men, we just happened to become best friends, and we later fell in love. Sometimes we get the hate stares from Black men. I rarely get any hate from my Black sisters (actually most Black women seem interested and approving). I don’t even think twice when I see a Black man and a non-Black woman, or a Black woman with a non-Black man. If they are a cute couple, I like to look at them (in a friendly way) because i enjoy people watching, and I’m the first person to admire a nice looking couple. If that happens to be a nice looking Black man with a nice looking White woman, it’s all good, and if it’s two sexy Black folks, its all to the good. If you are happy in your relationship, these other couples don’t matter because you are secure and happy, why worry about anyone else. I enjoy seeing couples who appear happy together. Oh, and by the way, my husband and I get MAJOR hate from Arabic women (the Arabic men don’t have a problem openly), but the women be hating worse than I’ve EVER seen a Black women hate on an inter-racial couple. It’s like the hate is palpable, but my husband loves it, and when they’re giving us evil stares, he makes it a point to pull me in and give me a big kiss, and say something romantic or sexy to me, jus to make sure they know what’s up.


  27. Monica writes:"It’s unfair for highly educated black women to be expected to date men who aren’t interested in life-long education. Yeah, yeah, I know there are bus drivers and what not interested in self-improvement but I promise you that for each one who is, there are 20 more who are not. Why are we expected to date them?"I know quite a few non-black women who date and marry guys with less education than themselves. They tell me silly stuff about actually liking these guys, falling in love with them…feeling attraction, etc. Go figure.Wenzel, As a fellow Black "nerd" (yes, I dared to grow up owning a telescope, liking sci-fi movies, and using four syllable words in conversation) I feel you, brother. I didn’t go to an HBCU, but back in the late 80’s up here in the Northeast, most sisters on my campus wouldn’t give you the time of day unless:1) You were a varsity athlete in an approved "Black" sport. (Basketball, Track, Football –skill positions only)2) You were a Brother (not just a pledge) in an approved National Black Fraternity3) You were demonstrably rich, (or perpetrated rich via dress, car, jewelry)4) You were a "thug", every bit as "street" or "hood" as the brothers who didn’t graduate high school. There were exceptions, of course, not to paint with a broad brush, and I’m not down on these women for being attracted to any of the above. Nobody gets to choose what’s desirable for somebody else, and if ballers, steppers and players are what gets them through the night, God bless ’em. My thing is, don’t hate on neglected, overlooked Black Men when they start dating the non-black women who actually show INTEREST IN THEM. I don’t see why it upset some sisters when Becky held hands with the band geek, language lab tech or cartoonist(like me). They wouldn’t have even noticed us had we walked alone.Can I get a witness?–Cobra

  28. Craziness, As a white male reading all of this information from the persepective of the black female alot of things have come clear. I do feel like black men date white women to piss white men off, moreover I think that white women date black men to piss white men off. I have no issue with IR (of all types) dating, sometimes contrast is hot. Its the reasoning behind alot of this that is irritating. Ive heard so many black men tell white women that theyre penises are HUUGGGGEEE and white men cannot measure up, also heard white girls say the same thing. Looked into it myself by looking up research topics and things, there is only a 1/2 inch of disparity on length (avg) between the races.(from a study of thousands of men from all over) Im not a woman but I cannot imagine 1/2" could even be felt. (the comment about black men being portrayed as "real men" in media) So where in the hell is this coming from? Is it that hip hop/rap is so big now, that these gangster types are attractive because the white women see this as glam? I hate to say it (no i dont) but rap is generally trash, shock music thats come up with by corporations in order to make people feel like theyre being "gangster" If ur a badass dude go joing the marine corp/navy seals/blackwater, fight mma or something.. dont act like a badass then get ur ass handed to you like kimbo slice( props on kimbo for being humble and learning his jiujitsu) did by a skinny kid with pink hair. So black women see a BW/WM couple as a small victory against the BM/WW fad? I actually have had quite a hard time dating white women, theyre just generally idiots that want bs that mtv shoves down their throats. Its funny , the only girl in the world that ACTUALLY WANTS ME FOR ME is a black girl. She is congolese and of royal blood, an absolute beauty… She will not date american blacks, only blacks from africa. She will date white americans, IE me. As much as I want a woman that is willing to treat me like she does and want me in the fashion that she does, I cant be with her…. I dont fucking get it….. for some reason, i have a hard time being sexually attracted to her. Ive been with her before, but its funny. I just dont feel quite right about it, maybe its because I feel like a hypocrite for being irritated at the white girls for following the mtv "whos cool" fad? (as you can see im mad at the black man for the penis lie, and the white girls who do this to spite their fathers/ex bf/brothers/general white male in an attempt to emasculate him) Its for damned sure, the media portrays the black man as a strong, big dicked man and the white man as a underhanded snake whos daddy paid for everything for him and is scared of his own shadow. So where is the root of this societal misnomer? Why does the youth (of many races,gangsterstyle) piss on the older black crowds pain and suffering that they went through during the 60’s? Why do I know who WEB Dubois is and my black friends dont? I have some black friends that are genuinely good dudes, but if u asked them what happened with MLK in montgomery theyd turn the subject to gucci mane, they dont know. Theres a comment above that a BW had made that BM joke about getting WW pregnant just to dilute the gene pool, that shit pisses me off to the end means of war. I see that kind of attitude as social genocide( as in mass murder for racial superiority,underhanded breeding is of another sort, but all the same.) , seriously. I would get violent if some BM was to push that on me in public conversation. My point is, I will not bow to your card playing game. As it is not logical, if people are equal then there are no cards to play. There has been a long trend of "white shame" for things that our ancestors commited, not us. Alot of gangbanger boys are going to be reallllllllllyyyy surprised here soon if they dont stop chastizing white men, we shoot properly/accurately, not hand up in the air and pistol sideways. Oh yeah wtf is up with everyone referring to black males as black men and white males as "white boy"? I must stop now, as I am irritating myself. Black men, beware. There are many whites like me, call me white boy, and we will scrap from the front of the house out the back door and down the street, you can be in your donk car wearing tims and ill beat your face in wearing sperrys. Apologies for the harshness, its how I feel. Bboys beware.


  30. I stumbled onto this web page in an unrelated search. I have to say that Danielle’s article was fascinating to me because it is about me. I am the white woman married to the black man and yes I could tell you story after story. There are some pretty cruel and narrow minded people out there. Let me tell you it isn’t just black women who can inflict hurtful comments and hateful looks. We also find that older white men look upon us with disgust. Look at me like I am something dirty. So the small minded is cross cultural and black women shouldn’t take all the heat.As for as our families and how we are treated. I have found a wonderful second family. I am sure that they were doubtful at first, but because they love my husband they gave me a chance. The same goes with my family. There some that were shocked, but they know me and know that my standards have never been low and marrying a black man certainly doesn’t make them so now. Our marriage has endured almost two decades and still going strong.Let me finish with this. I wasn’t looking for a black man, in fact I wasn’t looking for a man at all. Life happens and it is all in what we do with it that counts.Thanks for letting me have a say!

  31. i am a fairly lighted skinned black women with fairly causasian features, though not really, just think ethiopian. note i'm not bright or whatever, but black men don't want me. i'm thin. And the ones that did left to be with a sister who was darker and more closely resembled someone in their fam, like mom and such. White men where i'm from dont cross lines and i haven't really wanted to date white men perse, though this is what black women have told me i 'deserved' or could only get. I think it's stupid and really ticks me off actually that in 2010 i amstill judged by my color and automatically placed in a catagory or sterotype when you don't know me from adam. It is like if i date a dark skinned brother i'm 'taking' him from somebody else, but white men are racist, so i'm of the opinion at this day an age if i ever date again he's gonna have to look like me, so not to 'offend' anybody or have to run across the train ttracks like loving vs virginia. I mean dag dating is hard enough without carrying 'roots' and the responsiblity for the whole race on your shoulders. i stay people should like who they want, and you're right it AINT none of my business.

  32. White girls nowadays are TOUGH!! They continue to run around beating up black girls. Seriously, this nonsense has turned into a competition among white girls I guess to see who can beat up more black girls. It has become a trend!Have you seen all of the videos posted on the internet? These are just “some” of the numerous videos popping up all over the internet capturing fights between white girls and black girls. The outcome of these fights is shockingly consistent. The white girls are consistently beating up the black girls!! It’s a scenario most people would have NEVER predicted since most white girls were not even interested in fighting until recent years.In this particular video ( we have a couple of trailer trash white girls speaking straight from their hearts about how they feel and yelling at the top of their lungs… talking about “welcome to the south b@tch!” in one breath, and in the next breath screaming “that’s why we take your men”. It’s videos like this that have so many darn white girls more willing to get down with black girls.Black girls can’t afford to keep getting their ass beat by white girls, because it’s only going to cause more white girls to challenge them to fist fights, and as thes video clearly demonstrate nowadays WHITE GIRLS CAN FIGHT!!!!!!.html roll please…..and it’s the light skinned black girl who is going home with a BLACK EYE curtsey of a white girl!!!! yeah, and these white chicks are also mocking black girls now too conclusion, these videos may be a signal that it’s time for black girls to start becoming better friends with white girls and hopefully they will teach ya’ll how to GET DOWN like they do when they FIGHT!!!

  33. I've TRIED to date white men. Tried! It always ended up like an episode of Nightline.Not in America. I just can't do it in America.

  34. Hey Danielle! Wow, another GREAT post! It's interesting to me, b/c SOME of the things you mentioned here can also apply to MY community (South Asian American; desi). However, the BIG thing w/ desis is that MANY families have double standards when it comes to dating. For instance, girls (even those over 18) must be "good" while boys can stay out late, date across racial/religious boundaries, etc. This leaves SOME girls behind, as they don't get chances, experience, whatnot and often hold unrealistic (fairy tale) view of marriage. Women also tend to stay in bad/hurtful marriages for the sake of appearances; this happened to a friend of mine for several years. My advice- go away to college (become independent), get your own money, THEN try to get married. Don't get pushed into it at 22, like many desi women. Of course, this is just me generalizing… Keep up the AWESOME writing. -EMMA

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Back to top
%d bloggers like this: