Pants-less Wonders (Trends)

Ciara, Beyonce, more Ciara and Lady Gaga rocking the tights and leotards. Jane Fonda of the 1980s called and wants her look back.If you see it once its just an expression of individuality and creativity. If you see it three times, that fucker is a trend.

Where are your pants, young ladies?

You know who I’m talking to. Beyonce, Ciara, Lady Gaga. PANTS! What the hell happened to pants (or a nice skirt)? What do you have against them? Why is everyone doing their best Bob Fosse inspired vision of female sexuality as channeled by Liza Minnelli and the musicals “Cabaret” and “Chicago” with a disco beat and Justin Timberlake warbling in the background? What is going on here? Why is all shiny tights and leotards now or nothing? (Often accessorized with six-inch heeled ankle boots.) Don’t make me turn into the Fug Girls on this but … PANTS, gah! Put on some pants!

More evidence after the jump.

Case #1: Beyonce, “Ego”

Technically, Beyonce gets somewhat of a pass as she at least seems to understand going pants-less is for performance only. Unlike Lady Gaga (who has taken no pants to an all new disturbing level), she seems to knock it off once the cameras turn off. But obviously it was because of the success of “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” and the pants-less dancing that lead her to replicate the lack of pants in her new single “Ego.” She is at least wearing the extra thick, control-top dancer tights (necessary) if she’s going to do her best “Fosse! Fosse! Fosse!” with the poles and the chairs in her ode to Camel Joe’s magic stick.

I don’t like it, but hey, at least it’s not this …

Case #2: Ciara, “Love, Sex and Magic”

I’ll let the commenters at Jezebel break this one down.

I know this is going to make me sound like a prude but for god’s sake why do so many female artists have to get pretty much naked and do lapdances on camera to sell a song? I caught the video for Ciara’s Love, Sex and Magic and seriously I probably know as much about her anatomy as her doctor. I was genuinely shocked. If you are in a song and it ‘features’ Justin Timberlake with you as the lead artist then you should have not to lapdance naked all over him. HE should be lapdancing naked over you.

Your sincerely

My mother.

Again, while this video is um … unnecessarily pants-less (and also a blatant, hypersexualized, fossilized Fosse interpretation) … at least this is still in the confines of a shitty music video. Granted, I agree with the Jezebel poster — Shouldn’t J. Timberlake be writhing on the floor, half-naked, a la Prince, grinding por vou? I mean, pants-less chicks dry humping the King of Michael Jackson derived Blue-Eyed Soul has been done. Seriously. He sings falsetto and is not manly in the least. Why anyone one would want to rub all over his crotch is beyond me. But to rub all over his crotch without pants is doubly revolting. I mean, the song is kind of catchy. I don’t need some soft core porn to be sold on what is basically recycled generic dance pop.

But the most flagrant abuser of the lack o’ pants trend is the “New Madonna (Negroes included, because where would Madonna be without her Negroes),” Lady Gaga.

Case #3: Lady Gaga, “LoveGame”

I could forgive her if she stopped at the music videos, but Lady Gaga is more committed to the anti-pants movement than Lindsay “Tights Are Not Pants” Lohan. For one, tights? Who needs those boring, thick black tights Lindsay likes? No. I’m gonna wear my faux tan shiny nude dance tights EVERYWHERE, with a high-cut white leotard and some busted D&G heels or better, some busted white ankle granny boots and I will declare to the world my coochie is so on fire that it needs constant coochie ventilation.

Breathe! Ladyparts, breathe!

One. I don’t want to know how long it takes her to use the restroom at the club due to whatever efforts it takes to get out of a leotard.

Two. When does it stop being a leotard and start being a “onesie?”

Three. No pants at the airport? Glad to see you’re committed to the not-pants revolution.

Now, Glamour Magazine blames Beyonce for this trend because of the success of “Single Ladies,” but I’m laying ALL the blame on Madonna as she started rocking the leotard and no pants as an outfit back in 2005 upon the release of the ABBA-influenced track “Hung Up”. In the video she writhed around in a dance studio in a damn pink leotard, high heels and tights to prove to the world that just because she was “an old” she still had killer gams and that no, you had not seen yet enough of her crotch.

It took awhile to trickle down to the mainstream, but I’m gathering that from the 2002 release of “Chicago” featuring Catherine Zeta Jones and Renee Zellweger, et al, without pants (including Queen Latifah for a number or two) reintroducing everyone to some bootleg Fosse that would make Anne Reinking roll her khol-rimmed eyes leading to Madonna’s “Confessions on A Dance Floor” and finally working its way to “Single Ladies” is behind this. And “Single Ladies,” a universally successful single and much imitated and parodied video (and part of Beyonce’s continued performing without pants) lead to an all-out No Pants War that has now claimed Lady Gaga and Ciara as casualties.

Mind you, Madonna still isn’t really wearing pants, but no one notices because she’s Madonna, nothing she does surprises us anymore and no one wants to give her proper credit for this stupid trend.

I understand why female entertainers would perform without pants. Especially if you have the legs for it. It’s guaranteed to get some attention. And I do appreciate the irony that a revival of a musical about celebrity featuring two women who are pretty much willing to do anything to be famous (include dance without pants on), spurred what we basically have on our hands right now — a bunch of famous and semi-famous singers all chasing the same fame, without pants, in similarly bedazzled outfits. Or in this case, chasing Madonna’s corpse and Beyonce’s hitmaker status. Now featuring killer onesies.

Now, as long as this stays strictly something the famous and infamous want to rock in an effort to keep their Q-ratings high, I suppose I will survive this latest celebrity extreme fashion trend, but I swear, if I start seeing regular ass people without pants on at the club, or if House of Dereon creates a “Single Ladies” inspired onesie that comes in purple from size zero to XXXL, I will turn into your 81-year-old grandmother and I will start passing out cheap pairs of chinos I purchased in bulk from Wal-Mart.

The world doesn’t need to see your babymaker. Please dress appropriately.

25 thoughts on “Pants-less Wonders (Trends)

  1. you just don’t understand. spontaneous vajayjay combustion is a dangerous thing. they are just practicing prevention through proper ventilation.

  2. Tell it girl! I am so sick of this leotard thing. Love Sex Magic is a catchy song, but the video pretty much ruined it for me. What happened to Ciara’s message from "Goodies" back oh-so-long ago in ’03? Now she got it all hanging out. Hate to break it to you, CiCi, but people liked you much better when you wore some clothes and weren’t gyrating all over the place.

  3. Ciara ought to be ashamed. How are you gonna let a man featuring on your song take over to such high extremes. That’s totally unecessary. Female artists (well, some of them) well objectify themselves in their own damn videos. Why couldn’t he take a backseat and let the director go crazy with some "cfnm"-type video. That would’ve been great. Totally fantsatical (considering how male-dominated the music biz is) but great nevertheless.

  4. I swear, if I start seeing regular ass people without pants on at the club, or if House of Dereon creates a "Single Ladies" inspired onesie that comes in purple from size zero to XXXL,Oh sweetie, don’t you just know, somewhere, a plus size fashion victim, with purple weave to match, just rocked a memorial day BBQ with the above. It may have started as a cat suit, but their creative side, warm weather conspired against them…(and the plp who had to witness it)In other news- I’ve seen photo’s of Ciara w/ cornrows- she’s a lovely girl, it really is too bad she feels the need to take it that far. (uncalled for snark:- lady Gaga is ‘plain’ , to put it nicely)

  5. @ dilettanteThat is a horrifying visual as any plus-size woman in a purple Dereon onesie with a purple weave would be the unfortunate victim of "Fruit of the Loom," grape-related jokes. (Or "Hey Grape Kool-Aid!" puns).And yes, Lady Gaga is kinda "unfortunate looking." Madonna, gap-tooth and all, was actually pretty cute, in a complete ragamuffin way, when she was Lady Gaga’s age. The lack of pants really distracts from the face.

  6. "Fruit of the Loom," grape-related jokes.(Or ""Hey Kool-Aid! puns). @28secOuch! you know it happened just that way…and a big ear to ear Kool Aide smile, was not forthcoming 😀

  7. LOL. @ Grape Kool Aid.I don’t care what her size. I don’t want to see anyone walking the streets in a bathing suit with heels.That Ciara video didn’t sit well with me. It came across as demeaning to her – not sexy at all just subjugated. Maybe because I still remember Justin’s bitch move after the Super Bowl throwing Janet under the bus to save his good boy image from the public outcry.

  8. @ The AI think the problem with the Ciara video is that unlike Beyonce’s video where she’s basically doing a theatrical performance with two other dancers and Lady Gaga’s interracial leather boy lovefest, is that both Gaga and Bey are clearly in control in their videos and are the … err … Mistresses of their pants-lessness. They are clearly the ones with the power and in control of their sexuality no matter how you feel about the videos or songs. Ciara ends up coming off as the sexual puppet of Timberlake, as if she’s giving some elaborate strip tease to a guy who basically phoned in an entire performance. I mean, he does nothing. He doesn’t dance. He barely touches her. She’s just writhing all over the stage and later all over him and then their singing face to face and he’s biting her lip and chin and everyone is trying OH SO VERY HARD to be sexy, yet it’s just gross. I’d have more respect for it if she’d made him learn some choreography and they’d both acted like pervs together rather than she basically treating him like he was the real star of the video. Because, let’s face it, in most male singer/rapper videos it’s pretty typical for them to be passive while a woman does something sexual around them and they are smug and leer. That’s why the video feels so incredibly wrong. You’d think Ciara was the guest star putting on a show to amplify Timberlake.Ciara is also naked through a good portion of the video and while Lady Gaga is booty butt naked (with glitter paint!) in LoveGame too, again, Lady Gaga is obviously the one in charge as she pushes around her two male, half-naked puppets. (And damn, does that thing feel like a Madonna video with Gaga appropriating a lot of hypersexual/masculine mannerisms — including crotch grabbing — and objectifying her white, black and Latino male dancers to no end as they are merely props in her freaky "LoveGame.") Every man in "LoveGame" is more in a stupor/awe of her than leering.And Beyonce, whether clothed or half-naked, does nothing where she doesn’t come off as strong and clearly in charge no matter how sexual it is. Needless to say, I could not see her doing anything close to what Ciara does with Justin as I’m pretty sure she would be like "Dude, I’m doing your ass a favor. Get in the back and do a damn pop n’ lock routine before I call Robin Thicke." I mean, the day Beyonce and her huge ego allows itself to be lowered from their pedestal is the day I lose faith in lacefront divas.Basically, what I’m saying is … Bey is a diva. Lady Gaga is trying her damndest to be a diva. And Ciara is all … Diva: Ur Doin’ It Wrong.

  9. Snob, you said it all! Unfortunately, so many of our young girls (including my daughter) LOVE C-error. I have to tell her repeatedly that is NOT how a young lady dresses or acts. I was through with her when I heard "The Drug Boy is turning me on" song a couple of years ago. I am not a Beyonce fan either but we all know Bey runs her show literally, figuratively, financially,etc.Oh yeah, I can’t stand Timberlake. After the Janet debacle what real sista would come NEAR him? Smdh…

  10. I hope this doesn’t become a trend! Lol! I’m so sick of seeing women who should not be wearing tights as pants wearing them. So if I ever saw somebody who wasn’t famous wearing the getups these ladies are wearing, that would be a big No No. But you know somebody is going to go to the store and think this look will be OK on them and go out in public looking like this.

  11. What’s even more frightening is that this coming Halloween. we will have Bey, Ciara and Lady Gaga clones of all shapes, sizes and shades prancing through the streets offending us all. Be afraid very afraid. But I will get one of the slinky numbers to work some magic on my hubby fo’ real!

  12. i’m just curious how all three manage to keep their tuck games in check…and help us all this summer with the average chicks that have no stylists wearing this look out in public…

  13. Sometimes pants are a pain! hahaIf I had the body I wouldn’t wear pants either. That said, I agree with the comments regarding the difference between Bey and Lady Gaga’s videos and Ciara’s.

  14. Oh my dear Snob, they are already wearing the onesies, tights, and "draws" at the clubs, mall, picking baby up from daycare, and to Bible Study… the Fosse virus has reached epidemic status…

  15. Oh Snob, as always you are on target and you almost made me hurt myself laughing. I had to get up and walk away from my desk before my co-workers started giving me the crazy eye.

  16. I could SWEAR I saw an ad for a tie-dyed Dereon onesie the other day. It was every bit as frightening as you would think it was…now I can’t remember where I saw it! Blast!

  17. Oh no… my eyes!!! What the hell is that? And what exactly would you wear it for? Not that I watch it or anything, but Stewie says blast! on Family Guy. LOL

  18. @DanielleI laughed until I cried at "bootleg Fosse." Love it!And don’t count on this tights and leotards trend remaining with the famous folks. We are already in an ’80s/’90’s fashion revival what with the "Blipster" fresh prince hats and the Pop teens’ side ponytails.I hope they’ll bring back the Cosby sweaters to put on over those tights. Maybe we could an oversized-shirt-like-Jennifer-Beal-in-Flashdance fashion trend going again to cover the exposed "babymakers."

  19. "OLD GUY ALERT"OK, I get it….to get noticed in today’s saturated music video (soft porn) market you have to show a lot of skin.If parents are worried about their children being led astray, they might be just as smart as you were when you had to deal with peer pressure. It’s always good, where practicle to REALLY get to know you children’s friends.Worked for me…..

  20. @ DaniellaI hate to break it to you, but as of August 2009 the "No Pants" normal people have arrived and can be seen in Turkey (at least in the beach towns). Most of the folks I saw pants less were Russian tourists (from age about 12 to about 60), but it seems to be catching on in the Netherlands and UK. So I might need an emergency shipment of those Wal-Mart jeans.Consider it foreign aid

  21. i disagree. BEy, CI, Gaga, all do it differently but all showing women flashing the goodies equals prominence. Madonna made it by making sexuality a huge part of po culture even intellectualising it at one point. The others are follwoing with varying degrrees of hypocrisy. They are talented in unque ways but united by this clear decision to use, what their mama gave them. It's control if you consider the kudos they get but shame they reinforce the same old message … so that's why i like the diversity in the music field as not all artistes use the same strategy.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Back to top
%d bloggers like this: