Letters From Luvvie: Dearest Oprah (Guest Blogger)

Via Gawker and its documentation of the Great Chicken Riots of 2009.

By Luvvie

I didn’t think Madame O would need a sternly-worded letter, but alas, I was forced to write one.

Dearest Oprah,

You know I STAN for you more than Michael Jackson stans for little boys plastic surgery, right? Well I does. That day when I SEED you in “The Color Purple”, I KNEW there was a GAWD!! Did you ever know that you’re my SHERO? Well, you is.

However, I got a bone to pick with you (ALL pun intended). I know you mean well but I got slight beef, or is that chicken, with you (yes, feel free to boo me for both the premise and the corniness of that line). You ain’t right for this free chicken that you not only endorse, but you initiated. I’ve just ’bout HAD it with all this chicken being given away lately. And before y’all start saying I’m a vegetarian hater, that ain’t it. I LOVES me some fried chicken wings.

More after the jump.

I know we’re in a recession and FREE rules everything around me (F.R.E.A.M.) but not only are we a broke nation, but we’re gonna be a fat one too. I promise, if someone starts giving away bacon, I’mo raise all types of H*ll. These lilliputian fists will shake oh so vigorously. It’ll be a balled up blur of fury.

I’m saying though. If we can get a free coupon, can it be to something other than chicken? Dang! I’m just ’bout sicka poultry. I coulda used some free yogurt, sorbet, sushi or something (I’ll even take some crepes. Mmm yum). Anything but the FOWL! Oprah with your “You get chicken! You get chicken! YOU GET CHICKEN!” face (c) KindredSmile. PLUS to make matters worse, you’re supposed to be the Poet Laureate of Diet and chicken isn’t number one on “healthy foods”. Given, it wasn’t fried, but grilled can also be as fattening. iCan’t back you on this one, Big O. I’m mighty disappointed.

Plus, have we learned NOTHING from the Popeye’s fiasco? Popeye’s promotion from a couple of weeks ago led to a plethora of foolery on the parts of a lotta grown folks. You SAW how YOUR people (yes, yours. I don’t claim folks that act a complete fool) acted with that. GROWN people who supposedly had sense lost it! On the news just properly foolish. Every news outlet was sure to interview “Pookie an’ em” about their thoughts. After seeing too many bogus responses with someone with greasy lips, I was just through. Did we get no lessons from that, Ms. Winfrey?

And I musn’t forget the fact that I’ve received about fifty-eleven emails and texts with links to the coupon. If I get ONE MO’ coupon, O, I’m liable to put a curse on KFC, and wish a plague on all their chicken. May their chicken be bland and dry (oh wait, it already is. YEAH I SAID IT!). Besides, if we banded together on a social cause as we did on spreading the word about this free chicken, we could rid the world of hunger, poverty and Sally Struthers commercials.

In the year of Obama, we’re supposed to be progressing as a people. Must we taint it with yet another poultry prize package? Methinks not. Jeebs be some un-perpetuated stereotypes for us. Come on, O. Can you get us free coupons to Bally’s next? Just wondering, because we will all need it. Besides, it’s that time of the year when folks start caring what their bodies look like. Kthnx. Love you like a play cousin named JuneBug!

Forever Stanning for YOU,


P.S. Umm, can I get tickets to this year’s Gifts show? Thanks, BOO!!

Edit: There are many articles, including this one by Entertainment Weekly about the various protests that have happened across the country as a result of some KFC’s refusal to honor the coupon. Folks are marching like they were told to get to the back of the bus or something. Hot mess. I don’t like to say “I told you so” but…

Luvvie is blogger and University of Illinois graduate with a degree in psychology. You can read more of her on her sites: awesomelyluvvie.com, www.igville.com and www.theredpumpproject.com.

11 thoughts on “Letters From Luvvie: Dearest Oprah (Guest Blogger)

  1. Great post Luvvie!!! I’m adding "Pookie and ’em" to my vocabulary.May I add a P.P.S? "Oprah, Subway is right next door. They had a whole campaign about a dude who lost weight eating their food. I’m just puttin’ it out there…"G. Garvin, don’t think your KFC promos slipped by me, either. I have no expectations for Sandra Lee (see: Kwanzaa cake disaster), but you’re a sexy man who knows how to cook your way into people’s hearts. Use your powers for good, not evil! Finally, I’d like to thank KFC for giving me another reason to remain a vegetarian. You guys are the bestest.

  2. This is hilarious.Hilarious.I was LMAO going past KFC and the line being out the door. It’s the’ Oprah’ magic.

  3. Actually, a free grilled chicken meal would be a welcome change from the red beans and rice I’ve had to subsist on while I wait for my student loan refund check to come. And you could still make a healthy meal out of it if you choose vegetables for your 2 sides. Yesterday I walked to 3 KFCs searching in vain for one that would accept my coupon, but none of sell grilled chicken. At over one mile of walking, looking for grilled chicken was my workout yesterday.

  4. I’m not sure how KFC could have possibly underestimated the power of Oprah. Where has the president of KFC and his marketing dept. been the last 20 years? The woman is a powerhouse. You can just promise something through Oprah’s show all willy nilly LOL On the website now you are being required to mail in a form with the coupon, and then they promise to send you a rain check for the meal plus a pepsi. Hilarious. KFC knows that 8 out of 10 Americans are not willing to do that much work to get a free chicken meal. KFC fails though, b/c I am willing to do the work. LOL

  5. michelle obama and sesame street or oprah winfrey and kfc.. hmmnnn *for a nano second*…i have made my choice…

  6. I’ve been reading this story on the net, where Gawker and other outlets are having a field day over it. Again, it’s another one of those things I just don’t get. Why is this story so hysterical? Is it because it involves fried chicken and black people? Oh, okay, I get it now. Whoa, that’s hilarious. Wait a minute…I have to hold my gut while I laugh. Man, that’s a good one. Hee, hee.

  7. OT: Michelle Obama – Fashion Week Daily 100 Days Issue for salehttp://www.fashionweekdaily.com/insider/

  8. I don’t watch tv… or at least when they announced this on television. I got a text message about it and thought some racist got a hold of the do not call list… low and behold its the cheezy plot of undercover brother played out in real time… truly a new low…

  9. I dunno, I see Oprah as having good intentions by backing grilled over fried. Not saying that KFC’s new chicken is health food exactly, but grilling undeniably is much healthier than frying. At least Oprah is promoting consciousness with regard to food preparation choices. As for all the obvious black people and chicken jokes I think everyone should just deal. Black people like chicken, get over it already. Or maybe we should be like white people and OD on steaks. We have enough health problems thank you very much.

  10. I don’t personally have anything against black people liking chicken, fried or otherwise. I just think it was blown way out of proportion and there was too much snickering over the supposed riot over free chicken. If you went hee haw over this tired, overworked joke, power to ya. It was lame and nothing really comical or newsworthy about it to me.

  11. Luvvie, you are hilarious! I can’t even eat KFC any more because I am super allergic to MSG.

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