As many of you know, the Great Wall of Sexy is in the process of being moved — slowly — over to a new site (possibly this one). For those who don’t know, the wall was created more than a year ago to highlight a variety of actors, actresses, models, entertainers, politicians, TV personalities and other famous-to-semi-famous people who are considered physically attractive for random-to-completely superficial reasons.
(More after the jump.)
While sometimes controversial, the wall has always been for “entertainment purposes only,” as a way to blow several hours of work staring at pictures of really, really good looking men and women of every nationality, arguing over whether or not these individuals are in fact “sexy,” then demanding to know where YOUR favorite sexy person is on the wall. (Chances are they’re there, but the wall is too massive and impossible to search through.)
In a “Rainbow Coalition of Hotness” the wall features everyone from your old favorites (Denzel, Hugh Jackman, etc.) to your youthful South Korean soap stars/underwear models (Daniel Henney! Everyone go squeeee all at once! He’s going to be in the new Wolverine movie! Yay!)
Until the “Sexy” gets its own home, let’s rehash some of the Wall’s Biggest Stars and get to going about who should go and who should stay and why so-and-so isn’t on the wall because I have no idea who this person is you’re talking about and now you must send me the pictures, etc., etc. on the new Great Wall of Sexy.
To kick things off I’ve chosen the Patron Saint of “The Great Wall of Sexy,” the actress I most wish I looked like … Jill Marie Jones … and a young, sexy upstart, Nate Parker.
NAME: Jill Marie Jones
TITLE: The Sexy Is Awesome
CLAIM-TO-FAME: Toni Childs of the TV show Girlfriends and a former Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader
WHY SHE’S ON THE WALL: Did you ever see a woman who you’re almost positive probably gets her way almost all the time simply by smiling really, really big? JMJ is that rare woman. What officer could ever give that grin a ticket except for being too damn sexy in a “no sexy” zone?
That’s why I beg of Hollywood — don’t hate JMJ because she’s BEAUTIFUL! (And funny and multi-talented and gorgeous and etc.!) Put her on a show. I’m not picky. ANY SHOW! And I’m talking to YOU, Shonda Rhimes. You owe me! I’ve stuck around on Grey’s loooong past when it was interesting. I promise you, I will watch.
I would watch shows I would never watch if Jones were on them. Like Night Rider. Or Two And A Half Men. Or Flashpoint. Or Desperate Housewives.
A matter of fact, Mark Cherry OWES me on Desperate Housewives for that awful second season when he gave Alfre Woodard that stupid “the people under the stairs” storyline. (Or should I say, person
under the stairs.) All sins can be forgiven if you move Jill in on Wisteria Lane and give her a super fine husband. And I’m not picky. (No TAYE! If “Private Practice” gets canceled you just stay dead, show killer! I don’t need your Daybreak/Kevin Hill bad luck cooties rubbing off on Jill!) Any of the relatively inexpensive “Morris Chestnut” clones will do. You know? Your Jason Georges. Your Jesse L. Martins. Your Laz Alonsos.
Mmmm. Laz Alonso.
NAME: Nate Parker
TITLE: Sexy Knockout
CLAIM-TO-FAME: I don’t know. He’s like 12. (Well … he’s not THAT young. He’s actually on two years younger than me. He just looks 12.) He was in “The Great Debaters,” “Pride” and “The Secret Life of Bees” and he’s beautiful. He also seems to be getting cast in a lot of “Based on a true story” films about black people. His next two roles are about the Tuskegee Airmen (“Red Tails“) and “Blood Done Signed My Name,” where he plays Ben Chavis. A matter-of-fact his whole career so far has a bit of an “Allen Payne” in the 1990s scent to it so here’s hoping you don’t go through a decade of lots of work only to wind up in a decade of damn near no work at all, then wind up on a crappy sitcom that even one of your biggest fans can’t bear to watch because you will always be “Dead Mike/G-Money/Jason” in my heart because I can’t look at you any other way.
WHY HE’S ON THE WALL: When you’re extremely good looking you’re just extremely good looking. Here’s hoping to a long, handsome career.
Feel free to kill time at the old Great Wall of Sexy before it’s torn down to be rebuilt again!