EntertainmentSnob, PopCulturalist

Letters From Luvvie: Dear Kanye (Guest Blogger)

Luvvie has a fondness for letters, and recently poured her heart out in thanks of the Hat’s Aretha. (It is no longer Aretha’s Hat. The hat is now so awesome, Luvvie says that it is considered the owner of Aretha instead of the other way around.)

Therefore, Luvvie is writing “a 4-page letter” to Mr. West (but she ain’t enclosed it with no kiss).

Dear KanYe (is the Y capitalized or not?),

I’m concerned. About you. Let’s talk about it. I know you’ve had a VERY rough year and a half, with your Mom’s passing (RIP Dr. Donda West). She was your biggest supporter (I LOVE “Hey Mama” and lost my voice singing it when you came to U. of Illinois for the concert), and CLEARLY the love of your life. Then, you broke up with your perpetually ornery fiancée, Alexis.

The wench ain’t NEVER smile.

(Read more after the jump!)

She wouldn’t smile at a Unicorn Ranch located on some fluffy clouds and made up of chocolate and caramel. What was up with that? I mean, is life perusing the world and going to fashion shows REALLY that tough? She looks like she wakes up and pisses gloom. Loosen up, damn! Oh, where was I? Ah yesss …

Anyway, you’ve lost the two most important people to you in these past 18 months, and your world has probably been turned upside down. I understand. This has clearly affected your life, and I can see that in certain things you’ve done.

1. You recorded 808s and Heartbreak. I’ve only heard a couple of songs on it but you seem to have convinced yourself that it is okay for you to SING actual songs … and then record them … and then release them to the world to be archived in our permanent memories. This is not okay. Please leave the singing to people who can. You singing is like:

  • Rodney Dangerfield releasing a rap album (which he did. But we musn’t speak of it too much)
  • Hootie & the Blowfish playing at a Black History Month Event
  • LisaRaye playing a non-sassy, neck-snapping character
It just doesn’t work, Kanye. Leave it alone. Then…
2. You showed up at the Grammy’s looking like you wanted to be beamed up in that aluminum jacket. PLUS, you had the unmitigated GALL to rock a shag mullet. This REALLY perplexed me to no end. iCant. Recalling it just infuriates me. It’s like you went to the barber and say “F*ck up my hair as much as you can.” and he passed, or failed with FLYING colors, which incidentally, got transferred to …
3. Your crew and their Technicolor Dreamcoats looking faces. Are these the riff raffs you choose to surround yourself with? There are just many reasons I have a problem with this visual I saw of your Posse. Together, y’all look like extras from that old low budget show “Homeboys in Outer Space”. Where is Flex Washington??? The most non-matchinest group of people I’ve seen in a minute! I’ve seen less colors on a color wheel than in this picture. And honestly, none of you fellas in this picture look like you welcome or enjoy the female touch (Not that there’s anything wrong w/ that aka NTTAWWT)*
“Jesus Walks” in mysterious ways and he needs to make me “Stronger” because CLEARLY, Kanye and his peeps are on that “Crack Music.” Looking at this pic continues to “Bring Me Down” cuz all their sense is “Gone”.”Wake up, Mr. West!” and smell the “Roses.”

First, one of your homeboys has on leopard print leggings. The words “homeboy,” “leopard-print” and “leggings” should never be uttered concurrently in a sentence. EVER. (Ten points to anyone who can form a sentence where using these words together can be acceptable. Shoot, I may even post the winner’s sentence on my next blog).
Then another one of your boys has on sunshine yellow gym shoes, blue bubble vest and red frames. Jeebus be a cohesive color palette for that fool. The rest of you are a mess too. In fact, y’all match in THAT sense. For Farnsworth Bentley to be the most masculine man in a picture disturbs me to no end! But even then, why does he have on a white glove? Looking like Sister O’Dell’s nephew, Muriel, the Head Usher at “Father, can you hear me? My will is ALL yours Faith Tabernacle A.M.E.” He is Church Announcement for the annual Bazaar proper! Still, he is the best looking dude in the picture. However, the guy to the far left’s Louis V briefcase IS the business though!

 On top of ALL of that, ‘Ye …

4. Your new girl, Amber is an ex-stripper lesbian chick that looks like a walking pencil who’s eraser has been used up. Ok, I’m hating. Actually, the chick is FIERCE! Her face is stunning, and that blond fade works for her somehow (No Boy George). But how is her CHARACTER, ‘Ye? (I can hear all the men saying, “EFF her character! She’s FINE!!!”)

But of all the women in the industry, that’s who you could attach yourself to? I been thought something about her just don’t … just don’t curl all the way over. Then finding out that she’s a lesbian who has a scorned stud of an ex-girlfriend in Brooklyn made me go MMHMMM!! (BTW: Stud lesbians kinda scare me. Like for real.) I dunno, Yizzle. You just seem to be acting out lately. I just wanna hold you in my bosom and say everything will be okay.

Drop the shag mullet haircut, go hang with a crew that can’t be called the “Ambiguously Wack Posse,” release an actual rap album and don’t become enamored with the likes of Amber Rose (ya know, TALL women). “Pocket Straights” (re: a small man you just want to put in your pocket and take places with you) such as yourself oughta stick with women your height: 5’4 and below. Alls I know, Mr. West, is that you seem troubled. If you need anyone to talk to, I’m here whenever (Umm, well apart from 8 – 10 on Mondays and Tuesdays. That time is dedicated to my VH1 and MTV lineup of brain cell killers shows. Wednesdays from 9-10 are also usually bad since Top Chef comes on. Then Thursday night lineup keeps me busy too so that doesn’t work. Plus, you know I work a 9 – 5 on weekdays so, yeah.)

Ya know, Kanye, if you ever in need to talk between 5:14 p.m. to about 7:58 p.m. on a Saturday, I’m ya girl! My couch is even MAD plush and comfortable. Lay down, take off them ugly ALL red Louis Vuitton gymshoes you designed, and let’s discuss. Truly (sometimes) and Always (except for when I’m lazy)

Yours,

LuvMuffin

————–

Ife Luvvie A is blogger and University of Illinois graduate with a degree in psychology. You can read more of her on her sites: awesomelyluvvie.com and www.igville.com.

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25 thoughts on “Letters From Luvvie: Dear Kanye (Guest Blogger)

  1. Sierra says:

    Chuckles at "The wench ain’t NEVER smile" and giggles at "Ambiguously Wack Posse"! Kanye, read and take note, Luvvie cares for you.

  2. g.o.o.d. girl says:

    hey. love the blog, but i’m a huge kanye fan so i just gotta say:1. the album is great. kanye knows he cant sing, and he said that himself. this was a step out of the box and for me, it worked2 and 3 kanye redeemed himself of that technicolor picture and his metallic suit during his performance with estelle with his swaggerlicious black tux he wore to perform "swagger like us"and 4 kanye recently got a hair cut. he has a low fade and it looks great, but it will look better when his hair grows out a little more so he doesn’t have that FRESH from the barber vibe…you know what i mean?again. love the snob. and i will be checking out igville in the future.

  3. dukedraven says:

    I chuckled many times at Luvvie’s jokes, which were a wee bit sharp at times. She must like him to know her subject so well. Her observations about Kanye’s posse were witty. I’m laughing to myself because I would have loved to hang out with them 20 years ago.

  4. Char says:

    Seriously, I’ve been thinking the same stuff about "K". It is so obvious he is reeling since his dear mother’s death. However I do like some of his new music. My main issue is the company he’s keeping and that chick. I wish I knew him and could tell him he’s going WAY WAY WAAAAYYY in the wrong direction and I wonder if his mother would be happy or approve of this new skripper chick. Please "K", slow down. Yes, you are talented and yes you have always marched to the beat of your own drum but you are going to catch something that you cannot get rid of! Please, you have way to much going on to be turned out like this! Get a regular, smart, brainy chick – think "Donda" and not skripper!

  5. TBI says:

    I can cosign w/ you on that dukedraven. Back in the 80s, I probably would’ve thought that them rags him and his crew was wearing was cool (might’ve even tried to emulate them) but this is 2009! Leave the 80s clothes for 80s Nite at the club. Outkast and Gnarls Barkley are the only folk that seem to be able to pull off the quirky fits successfully.Anyway, let me stop hatin’ on Kanye. I like him as a producer and a rapper (more of a producer than a rapper) but I’ve got to agree w/ Luvvie about him and the singing. I liked his other albums but I couldn’t bring myself to even buy this one.

  6. Spinster says:

    Kanye really needs help. And after this stunt with the new "girlfriend", that made me raise my eyebrow even more. He’s clearly still grieving. Just my humble opinion.

  7. Hey Luvvie, 808s and Heartbreak is not an easy album to listen to but, hey, wait 5 years or so and we’ll see whether it’s like Radiohead’s Kid A or Dylan going electric.As for knocking the people Kanye is hanging with and his fashion – it sounds like you don’t quite get him. His career has really been a struggle to avoid being thrown into any categories. Are you only going to be happy if Kanye shaves his head, wears baggy clothes, makes club-friendly hip hop and marries a non-threatening "down to earth" black woman? That Kanye’s posse looking like a bunch of David Bowie impersonators might not be cool but it’s certainly radical. I propose that the queer movement adopt Kanye as their hero!

  8. Sun Lovin' Malibu Black says:

    I do not buy his act. Kanye goes out of his way to "appear" different. He is so contrived. Am I the only one to see that the emperor really isn’t wearing clothing? He is typical but thinks he’s not and the rest of y’all are fooled. As for his current girlfriend, I’ll give her cool points on her look, but do you really think Kanye would have a noticeable sister/noticeable BLACK woman wearing a close cropped cut on his arm? Would a sister with this look who happened to be a stripper be on his arm? Doubt it! See how typical he really is? The racially ambiguous look always wins out for the typical. Did any of you notice how in his recent video he has some racially ambiguous lead girl painted dark to go with the African look of the video? It was str8 up blackface! I was disgusted! All the major dark skinned models from the motherland and he has to go and do that. Typical and tired! You ain’t fresh, Kanye!!!

  9. marci says:

    i am just concerned that kanye expresses a desire to live and work here in london… as if we will tolerate his ‘alternative’ mess….we have our standards too kanye.. we are not some weird ‘lost outpost’ where anything goes…

  10. This post made me laugh out loud. You are spot on with what Kanye seems to be going through and acting out. I do feel for him and what he must be dealing with. It can’t be easy to grieve on such a public stage. But, some of these choices certainly are funny to witness. I will definitely be checking your blog for more "letters."

  11. Uh, so I’ve written, then deleted about 5 different comments just now. Wit fail. What can I say- I have nothing funny or witty to say- but it looks like Luuvie has that department covered. Great blog.

  12. Livininphilly says:

    Wow, I really wanted to laugh and enjoy this post but the homophobia kept getting in the way. It’s really unfortunate that so much of the humor in section 3 was based on perceptions (which may have been completely unaccurate) about his friends’ sexuality. Kanye has actually stated that he believes that the usage of the word "gay" to describe anything bad is problematic and that he wants it to be used to celebrate things instead of denigrate them. He said this in a recent interview for a magazine and in the MTV special that he had when Late Registration came out. For him to surround himself with sexually ambiguous men doesn’t surprise me and actually falls in line with my image of him. He is a very complicated public figure b/c of his outspokeness and uncategorical style.For the author to state:"And honestly, none of you fellas in this picture look like you welcome or enjoy the female touch (Not that there’s anything wrong w/ that aka NTTAWWT)*"Means that there is something wrong with that. Putting NTTAWWT at the end of a statement doesn’t take away the sting b/c your statement was so obviously a put down. If there was truly nothing wrong with it then it wouldn’t have needed to be said. It’s like if someone says something like "you’re so pretty for a darkskinned person, not that there’s anything wrong with being dark skinned." Wouldn’t a person note the addition of the comment about skin color? It puts you on notice that in fact there is something wrong with it. The comments about the men’s sexuality operates the same in the author’s original sentence..Finally: "stud women kinda scare me." WTF! As a woman who partners with "scary stud women" I take this as a personal affront. What is so scary abot a woman who dresses in that way? Why is a masculine woman so threatening in this society? Is it b/c they represent a uncontrolled category i.e. not falling w/in the gender binary and all of it’s traditional roles? Or is it b/c in our patriarchal/heterosexist/racist/capitalist/classist/miogynist society (b/c yes your statement of fear and comment about her past employment contains hints of all of these) that uncontrolled variable completely threatens all of these systems? Ugh!!!

  13. quixotic says:

    I LIKE THE SHAG MULLET ON KANYE!!! TO BE HONEST, I HAVE ALWAYS DESCRIBED IT AS SOME KIND OF THROW BACK TO THE DRIED-UP JEHRI CURL OF THE S & L ERA (TIMES WERE HARD IN THE EIGHTIES. YOU HAD TO WORK WITH WHAT YOU COULD AFFORD TO MAINTAIN).

  14. sam says:

    The sexist and homophobic views expressed in this post has caused me to delete this blog out of my bookmarks. I have a sense of humor and I’m down for fun but I consider this to be hateful and oppressive of certain groups of people.

  15. I would have to agree with MrsT. Deleting this blog? over this? C’MON PEOPLE! But anyways 808s was a dope album in my oppinion, I didnt wanna like it but you simply can’t deny the craftsmanship that went into it. It doesnt work when you listen to a few songs but when you go the whole way through you cant listen to nothing else, you get spoiled by it. Everything else said in the letter was valid lol Although as alienesque as that Amber Rose chick is I think shes kinda dope and the exposure shes getting is pretty sweet. Maybe shes a good friend of his and he lets her hang out just for the symbiosis of it all

  16. @Livininphilly – cosign.Funny post at first, but then you got all icky and homophobic and it killed my buzz. Gays, lesbians, bulldaggers, and strippers – those are like, a few of my favorite things.

  17. LaJane Galt says:

    Co-sign w/ Philly. Big up to Kanye for not being a homophobe.I agree that he wouldn’t be w/ a dark-skinned chick. But so what else is new (doesn’t stop Alek Wek from doing her thing with men who like her)? He got him a blond dyke that he wanted.The voicebox and shag need to go.

  18. Stevie says:

    D@MN this post was spot on!! That shag mullet is NEVER TO BE REPEATED in public. That was a walking inferno of mess. And to say that Fonzworth Bentley is the most masculine man in the photo .. STRAIGHT CLASSIC! I hollered the whole time I read this. 🙂

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