Luvvie has a fondness for letters, and recently poured her heart out in thanks of the Hat’s Aretha. (It is no longer Aretha’s Hat. The hat is now so awesome, Luvvie says that it is considered the owner of Aretha instead of the other way around.)
Therefore, Luvvie is writing “a 4-page letter” to Mr. West (but she ain’t enclosed it with no kiss).
Dear KanYe (is the Y capitalized or not?),
I’m concerned. About you. Let’s talk about it. I know you’ve had a VERY rough year and a half, with your Mom’s passing (RIP Dr. Donda West). She was your biggest supporter (I LOVE “Hey Mama” and lost my voice singing it when you came to U. of Illinois for the concert), and CLEARLY the love of your life. Then, you broke up with your perpetually ornery fiancée, Alexis.
The wench ain’t NEVER smile.
(Read more after the jump!)
She wouldn’t smile at a Unicorn Ranch located on some fluffy clouds and made up of chocolate and caramel. What was up with that? I mean, is life perusing the world and going to fashion shows REALLY that tough? She looks like she wakes up and pisses gloom. Loosen up, damn! Oh, where was I? Ah yesss …
Anyway, you’ve lost the two most important people to you in these past 18 months, and your world has probably been turned upside down. I understand. This has clearly affected your life, and I can see that in certain things you’ve done.
1. You recorded 808s and Heartbreak. I’ve only heard a couple of songs on it but you seem to have convinced yourself that it is okay for you to SING actual songs … and then record them … and then release them to the world to be archived in our permanent memories. This is not okay. Please leave the singing to people who can. You singing is like:
- Rodney Dangerfield releasing a rap album (which he did. But we musn’t speak of it too much)
- Hootie & the Blowfish playing at a Black History Month Event
- LisaRaye playing a non-sassy, neck-snapping character
On top of ALL of that, ‘Ye …
4. Your new girl, Amber is an ex-stripper lesbian chick that looks like a walking pencil who’s eraser has been used up. Ok, I’m hating. Actually, the chick is FIERCE! Her face is stunning, and that blond fade works for her somehow (No Boy George). But how is her CHARACTER, ‘Ye? (I can hear all the men saying, “EFF her character! She’s FINE!!!”)
But of all the women in the industry, that’s who you could attach yourself to? I been thought something about her just don’t … just don’t curl all the way over. Then finding out that she’s a lesbian who has a scorned stud of an ex-girlfriend in Brooklyn made me go MMHMMM!! (BTW: Stud lesbians kinda scare me. Like for real.) I dunno, Yizzle. You just seem to be acting out lately. I just wanna hold you in my bosom and say everything will be okay.
Drop the shag mullet haircut, go hang with a crew that can’t be called the “Ambiguously Wack Posse,” release an actual rap album and don’t become enamored with the likes of Amber Rose (ya know, TALL women). “Pocket Straights” (re: a small man you just want to put in your pocket and take places with you) such as yourself oughta stick with women your height: 5’4 and below. Alls I know, Mr. West, is that you seem troubled. If you need anyone to talk to, I’m here whenever (Umm, well apart from 8 – 10 on Mondays and Tuesdays. That time is dedicated to my VH1 and MTV lineup of brain cell killers shows. Wednesdays from 9-10 are also usually bad since Top Chef comes on. Then Thursday night lineup keeps me busy too so that doesn’t work. Plus, you know I work a 9 – 5 on weekdays so, yeah.)
Ya know, Kanye, if you ever in need to talk between 5:14 p.m. to about 7:58 p.m. on a Saturday, I’m ya girl! My couch is even MAD plush and comfortable. Lay down, take off them ugly ALL red Louis Vuitton gymshoes you designed, and let’s discuss. Truly (sometimes) and Always (except for when I’m lazy)