Dear Uncle Roland,
The Black Snob
From The Chicago Tribune:
A former top official for then- Gov. Rod Blagojevich said Thursday he got a “courtesy call” from Roland Burris last fall noting Burris’ interest in a vacant U.S. Senate seat—a contact Burris failed to mention to lawmakers in his evolving testimony about how he got the job.
John Filan, former chief operating officer in Blagojevich’s administration, also said Burris called him later—after Blagojevich’s Dec. 9 arrest on federal corruption charges. Filan said Burris asked him to put in a good word with then-Lt. Gov. Pat Quinn if Quinn became governor and inherited the power to make the Senate appointment.
Filan, who’s also a longtime friend of Quinn, said he never made the call. But Filan’s disclosures to the Tribune painted an even deeper picture of the aggressive attempts that Burris made to secure the former Senate seat of President Barack Obama, a post he was appointed to three weeks after Blagojevich’s arrest.
Burris, who first publicly expressed his interest in the Senate seat in November, has said he told “anyone who would listen that I was interested in serving Illinois in the Senate.” But a political firestorm has erupted over changes to his sworn testimony to Illinois House lawmakers about what contact he had with allies of the disgraced ex-governor, who was charged with seeking to sell the seat for personal or political profit.
Uncle Rolly-Rolls, you know I love you. I love you and your crazy Effie White, George Jeffersonian ways. I love your hustle, but what the hezzie is going on? Why are you still talking? Must I give you the NOTcoveted official, Black Snob “NOT HELPING!” award? Previous winners include Sarah Palin and rapper Ludacris.
You don’t want to be in that company, Uncle Rolly Rolls. I hear it gets lonely to be in Sarah Palin’s “Not Helping” shadow. To never have sunlight on your face.
You have to STOP TALKING. You’re supposed to be a seasoned politician and you’re supposed to already know that many a man and woman has committed political suicide via their verbosity.
Can the fake president offer you this advice?
Play it “cool,” Rolly Rolls. You could have whistled past the graveyard if you’d just had only one, brief press conference, gave one interview then had your flack repeat as many times necessary “I cannot comment on an on-going investigation. The junior senator looks forward to working with the president on his initiatives, blah, blah, blah, what nice weather we’re having.”
But nooooo. You just KEPT TALKING with a constantly changing story and now you’re hiding out after having one of the worst weeks ever. Why? Why Uncle Roland? You had a good legal loophole, Clintonesque argument — what the definition of “friends” is. It was even better than Bill’s definition of “is.” You were vague. The Democrats want this to go away. But you wouldn’t let the mike go. You had to sing “And I’m Telling You …” over and over until finally they started to actually tell you to go. You are two seconds from the Sandman coming out with his cane and shucking you off the stage.
The crazy thing is, despite your inability to STOP TALKING you’ll probably still get to be senator. Even though you’re bombing during Amateur Night at the Apollo. People are booing and you’re still warbling, yet no one can really “do” anything to be rid of you.
Which is why you shouldn’t be talking. Because no one can really do anything to you. But if you keep talking you may give them something, anything to finally bumroll your ass out of the Capitol.
Not to mention this shizz is all kinds of embarrassing to the state of Illinois. How much longer do my bi-state neighbors have to suffer these indignities of such political shenanigans? I mean, I enjoy making fun of Illinois as much as the next Missourian (It’s our right. They have more money and power than us.), but after awhile you have to stand up for the state you share a river with.
On one hand, Illinois has it all. They’ve got a president. They’ve got Chicago. Corn as high as an elephant’s eye. On the other, they have horribly corrupt politicians. It’s not that Missouri doesn’t. Heavens to Murgatroid, we do! But, you don’t see Sen. Kit Bond on “Hardball” completely plastered (maybe a little shitfaced, but he’s cognizant … sometimes!), and Sen. Claire McCaskill only showboats a little when she’s not screaming at the top of her lungs at executives on C-SPAN. But these are minor crimes and embarrassments.
And while I feel that no Negro politician should have to suffer for Uncle Rolly Rolls pay-for-play sins, we all know that folks are going to give just about everyone, from Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. to Bobby “Not That Bobby” Rush, the side-eye.
So for the sake of yourself, the state of Illinois and JJJ, STFU. Pretty please. Even the ministers are bolting on you. The MINISTERS!
Burris’ latest revelations are “making the black community just as suspicious of him as anyone else,” said the Rev. Leonard Barr of Fellowship Missionary Baptist Church.
But Burris deserves a chance to defend himself and should not step down, he said. “I think he can do the job,” Barr said. “He would be a good senator and a conscientious senator.”
People who have supported Burris are torn between feelings of anger and betrayal and a desire to keep the only black senator in the country, said Laura S. Washington, a politics professor at DePaul University and columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times.
“They’re disappointed, embarrassed and worried that the seat will be in jeopardy,” Washington said.
And remember, once upon a time black ministers stood up for boxer Mike Tyson in the middle of a damn rape trial. Do you realize how embarrassing you have to be for black people to walk away from you? There are people who STILL insist R. Kelly was set up. I know folks who STILL think OJ didn’t kill Nicole. We’re loyal to the point of absurdity. How do you wreck that?
You have reached the absurd, my friend.
Granted, if it weren’t for the fact that people think you’re “embarrassing” Barack Obama, the chosen one, in the first place, most Negroes would still be politely defending your nonsense, but as Tavis Smiley and countless others had to learn the hard way — black president trumps all.