Snob Rant: The Grand Old Freak-Out

Someone won’t stop hitting the Sarah Palin panic button at McCain headquarters and the giant screeching noise is giving me a headache

When all this Republican caterwauling over Sarah Palin ruining everything began a few weeks ago little did I know that it would get this far.

For the first time since never, a political party has begun its “pre-blame game” for a loss that hasn’t even taken place yet.

I blame the yellow bellies of The George Will Revolt. They kicked off this kvetching, leading to multitudes of smarty-pants, conservative-to-moderate noodle-noses balking over marching to the Sarah Palin drum.

They’d choked down their George W. Bush Boones Farm and pretended like it was Chablis, but they were not sucking down this latest batch of Palin Political-Wine-in-A-Box.

They went to Harvard. They are simply better than this … all of a sudden.

Watching columnists, politicos, pundits and authors suddenly bolt from the McCain-Palin Pox has been amazing. Individuals who normally would have held their noses and voted McCain for King of America for All Eternity over “pick-a-Democrat-any-Democrat” are scrunchie-faced because they refuse to share a cheerleading section with Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Kellyanne Fitzpatrick Conway. The nerve!

Oh, now you don’t like the Blonde Fembots for Freedom and their candidate of choice? You are soooo getting put in their slam book, Peggy Noonan!

Then there are the staffers, the back-biting, shark-jumping, whiny staffers, leaking words like “whack job” and “diva” to the press, who are basically accusing Palin of being the causation of the entire downfall of the ticket, party and possibly the industrial world. She just cruised in wearing a tiara and playing a flute, taking a wrecking ball to it all.

Really, noodle-noses? Really?

While I can’t stand anything about Gov. Palin, the Maybe it’s a pitbull, Maybe it’s Maybelline cadidate, is not the cause of The Great GOP Panic of 2008.

She is a mere symptom.

The “panic” is a McCain-Bush production based purely on Bush having the opposite of the Midas touch and McCain tying himself to Bush post-2004 when the senator finally stopped hating Junior just long enough to realize he wanted to be president that badly.

Let’s be real here — John McCain PICKED Sarah Palin. Palin did not hop on Todd’s snow machine with her five kids, future grandchild, governorship, a six pack of Schlitz and a sawed off shotgun (hand on pump, of course) and demand Mr. Walnut Cheeks to put her on the ticket. She was chillin’ in Anchorage where no one knew her from Adam as the longest of longshots while Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty and Charlie Crist took turns holding the bowl of ice water McCain soaks his balls in while reciting the most famous line from Grey’s Anatomy over and over: “Pick me. Choose me. Love me.”

It didn’t matter if they’d seen McCain and Sen. Joe Lieberman holding hands the other day. McCain needed a pro-lifer and everyone in that trio loved life … especially if it began and ended on Pennsylvania Avenue. Crist was willing to enter a loveless marriage … with a woman! It was that serious! So poor pitiful McCain had options and he went with a little Northern Lights “Razzle Dazzle.”

Now Gov. Crist has extended poll hours in Florida from eight-a-day to 12. Apparently he is ignoring his “please do your best to suppress the vote turnout” memo.

But if the McCain campaign thinks Palin is some hick albatross they can to dress up to the tune of $150,000 only to hang this screeching, screaming, faltering massive Republican freak-out on her, they are sadly mistaken. No sir! You will NOT blame the Caribou Barbie for this! Every time you point one finger at the failed sportscaster you point three more back at you.

If I were Sarah Palin, I’d be looking out for number one like I legally changed my name to Ocho Cinco. She may not be an intellectual, but she’s no numb-nuts. She can see the-powers-that-be within the McCain campaign measuring the noose for “a long drop with a short stop” just for her after the election. Why not go rogue when you know John McCain was only using you as disgruntled Clintonista/Jesus Freak bait anyway? It’s Operation Chaos, baby. Yukon style.

Palin is doing one of my favorite “wronged woman” routines — The Bitch Who Would Not Die. (Sometimes also known as The Bitch Who Would Not Leave. Just think Angelina Jolie in every movie she’s ever been in and of Jennifer Holiday singing “And I Am Telling You” from the original Broadway production of Dreamgirls.)

The phrase refers to that point in the book, soap opera, movie or life story where everyone has decided that a particular woman is horrible and should just go away for the bettermint of everyone, but that woman looks back and screams nothing but Efie White until she either gets carted away or starts getting AWESOME.

Now, I don’t want this to go “awesome” for Palin. I want this to end with her vice presidential dreams dying quite abruptly on Nov. 4. But until then, I want to see her go out in a psychotic blaze of glory. Don’t wait for General Sherman and his army to show up and burn
your proverbial Atlanta to the ground when you can torch that sucker yourself! Burn, baby, burn, Sarah Palin! Go soRogue*” you start hanging out with Stan Lee, wearing yellow and green jumpsuits. Dye a long white streak in your auburn hair and accessorize all your Anchorage consignment shop suits with full-length leather gloves as you purge the posh money Republicans, centrists and Colin Powells from the party.

There’s only one way McCain can make the potential election loss on stick to My Fair Veep. McCain would have to capitulate again, join The George Will Revolt, denounce himself and cheer on as the GOP burns with Palin as the last woman standing, fatally destroying her chances of a second act.

Of course, McCain quitting would STILL make her crashing and burning and going “oh what a world!” John McCain’s fault, but it might distract a few people.

Or he could concede. I suggest he consider it.

*And, yes. That is my second X-Men reference for the week. And, yes, when not being a snob, I am a nerd. And no, Todd cannot be Gambit even if Todd kind of looks like Gambit with short hair. He’s not from the Bayou and he’s not Cajun and I’ve revealed enough of my nerdom for TODAY!

12 thoughts on “Snob Rant: The Grand Old Freak-Out

  1. I love to see all of the panic and infighting over Palin, but the election is not over yet. It just goes to show you that even with all of this, this is still a race (no pun intended)

  2. Maybe it’s too early in the morning for me, but you’re giving Palin way too much credit. The woman is a moron and a bigot and McCain didn’t make her that way.She is that way. She’s a pitbull with lipstick; she’s no puppet.Good riddance, Palin. Jolie

  3. That’s okay, Snob, get your X-Men freak on. Some of you out there know this thing ain’t over yet. When I’m watching a horror movie and I see the creature (Palin/Hasselbeck and Co.) destroyed at the end, I know the monster’s going to come back at least 5 more times before the credits roll. Remember Alien? You got the picture. And I also know the so-called Independents–those who haven’t made up their minds yet–are going to break for McCain. And I’m going to break my cardinal rule and call them what they are–a bunch of lying somabitches. How can anyone not know who they’re going to vote for at this point? If you aren’t on the Obama train now, you never will be. These Independents (Repubs in sheep’s clothing) get my goat. They can fool some of the pollsters some of the time, but they can’t fool me. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…and huh…and you can’t get fooled again!

  4. I’m an independent and I’m for Obama. Some independents are left leaning and some are right leaning. IT’s not the Independents that are the problem, its the so-called undecideds. They are probably going to break for McCain.

  5. Palin was not just chilling in Alaska. She courted Kristol and other powerful MALE neo cons way back when.I will wait until Nov. 5th but if the polls hold this bloodbath will be the fault of McCain for picking her and Palin for saying yes. I do believe she hurt McCain more than helped him. The republicans need to figure out what their party is about. Maybe the far-right evangelicals need their own party and the moderate repubs can do their own thing without having to hear about creationism.

  6. Jolie: All I’m giving Palin credit for is being a destructive, self-serving influence on a panicked Republican Party. I enjoy watching chaos when it doesn’t affect me. And I agree with her not being a puppet (or a not very good puppet, which was the point of this post. McCain picked someone he didn’t even know who turned on him the minute the road got rough … or I should say he turned on her. I don’t know who shanked whom in the shower first.)nyc/caribbean ragazza: Flirting with Kristol and the other wingnuts who did not like McCain isn’t what got her on that ticket. All politicians have ambitions, but even she didn’t expect to move up THAT fast. Yet no one turns down a chance to be veep … even if you don’t really agree with your fellow Maverick on anything and know next to nothing about him. And you can tell she wasn’t thinking (or preparing) for the big leagues because like McCain she had no game plan, no game prep and got caught flat-footed the minute someone asked her an open-ended question.Palin’s like Bush. She just likes winning things. That doesn’t mean she wants to do the work after she wins.She’s like a dog who finally caught a car. Now all she can do is scream how it “pals around with terrorists.”draven7 & desperada: I’m with Desperada here. Independents are fine. Undecideds … morons. How can you not know? McCain and Obama are nothing alike. I think they’re all faking to get on TV.

  7. That’s me looking at things as black and white in this case, Snob. In my book, Independents and Undecideds are of the same stripe. We’re a two-party system and you gotta pick one. As I said before, loyalty is important to me. You can’t vote for George Bush in 2004 and Obama in 2008. I suppose you can, but it ain’t right. Independents come across as traitorous, like Joe Lieberman.

  8. I really enjoyed the article. Insightful, humorous, and articulate. I think your thoughts about how they wanna make Palin a scape goat for the election going badly is cowardly. You are so right. It’s not Palin’s fault she was a bad choice for Vice President. It’s McCain’s. He gambled that picking a young “pretty” women would snatch him the voters who wanted to vote for Hillary Clinton. Nevermind the fact that there is no way Palin is equivalent to Hillary Clinton. His gambit backfire. (yes, pun intented…I’m an X-men fan as well).

  9. Snob,Who’s not paying you to write? Concise, direct, and absolutely riveting. Submit to the The Atlantic Monthly…they could could use a great writer like you.best,Truth

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