As Michelle Obama’s no. 1 fan, I do a regular Google Alert search on her name daily to keep abreast of Michelle news (and I read Michelle Obama Watch and Mrs-O.org). But I also get a lot of anti-Michelle news that grates my nerves. Mostly because I can’t believe the level of stupidity going on. Sometimes I’ll be irked enough to actually click on one of the links and respond. But I realize that the majority of the time it is not worth wasting my mad typing skills. These individuals choose to be ignorant (and both vaugely and overtly racist), but that doesn’t stop me from sharing with you the top 10 things I’m tired of seeing in my Shelly O. Google search.
1. The mythical Michelle Obama “whitey” tape: Stop insulting me. Unless you’re George Jefferson, black people DO NOT call white people “whitey.” What the hell does that even mean? That’s like calling me “blackie.” That’s an insult?
Black people call white people a lot of things. For instance, if you’re from Arkansas, as I’ve pointed out before, the word is “peckerwood.” In some parts of Africa it’s “ofay.” The stray “cracker” will sometimes pop out, but most black people just call white people “white people.” Not “whitey.”
That and … THE TAPES AREN’T REAL, MORONS!
2. Michelle Obama and the lobster v. terrorist caviar debacle: Page Six recently admitted that the story of Michelle ordering up not one, but two lobsters, lobster based appetizers, champagne and some “Iranian” caviar for room service recently was not true. Despite the strong whiff of fake coming from that yarn Page Six and the bloggers ran with it.
My favorite quote/comment on Gawker about the subject comes from Jill7:
Page Six: “We regret reporting erroneously that Michelle Obama ordered Iranian caviar, two whole lobsters, a lobster hors d’oeuvres and champagne from room service at the Waldorf Astoria. We have since been informed by very reliable sources on the internet that she had Iranian caviar, North Korean kimchee, whatever the hell Venezuelans consider a signature dish, fried chicken, watermelon, and malt liquor while staying in a crack house. YOU CAN TRUST US THIS TIME.”
And I’m tired of the smear, once again, of every country with a Muslim population as a bunch of terrorists. I have a neighbor who’s Persian. As a teen I babysat his kids. He worked as an Engineer for Boeing and enjoys soccer. The guy will actually sit and talk to Jehovah’s Witnesses for hours even though he’s a Muslim (he enjoys a good conversation). He’s probably the nicest man I know and loves America despite the fact that he had to deal with some unpleasant crap during the first Gulf War and we weren’t even verbally sparring with fighting Iran then. If we did go to war with Iran it would directly affect him because the majority of his family still lives there. I worry that he can’t go visit because the climate being what it is between the two countries he’s likely to be arrested as an “American spy” like many other US citizens of Persian descent were.
I became a better person for knowing this man, his kindness and his family. I also went to school with (and have worked with) Muslims from here, India, Pakistan and Malaysia, Muslims who are black, white, Asian and Middle Eastern. I really wish the ignoramuses would stop bashing entire groups of people and their countries of origin. If Colin Powell says to chill on the Muslim/Arab/Iranian bashing, maybe you should effing chill.
3. Michelle Obama “proud of American” moment meets Michelle Obama “racist college thesis:” I don’t even bother clicking on these.
4. What if SNL made fun of Michelle Obama?: My favorite bigot, Patrick J. Buchanan allegedly brought this up in a recently penned column, pondering what would happen if Saturday Night Live lampooned Michelle Obama. Um … here are some OBVIOUS answers WHY the not-ready-for-prime-time-players haven’t touched Michelle.
They have no female African American cast members. They don’t even have a racially ambiguous person like Fred Armisten to darken up with some light Egyptian pancake, or Maya Rudolph anymore — who despite being biracial and as not dark as Michelle could probably do a good Michelle (and Condi Rice and her Beyonce and Whitney Houston were on point).
Michelle Obama isn’t running for president (or vice president). SNL hasn’t made fun of Cindy McCain either and she’s rife for parody (the clothes alone are worth it). Kristen Wiig would do a killer Cindy McCain (or a non-knocked up Amy Poehler) but they haven’t because CINDY MCCAIN ISN’T RUNNING FOR ANYTHING!
SNL would love to do a Michelle Obama skit. Write them and tell them to steal Mad TV player Debra Wilson to j
oin the cast. I love Debra Wilson. She’s so diesel, yet funny. And her Oprah was better than Rudolph’s Oprah (and Rudolph did a damn good Oprah). A matter of fact, notice that Mad TV actually employs at least two Negroes on a consistent basis and one of the grossest Asian comics in history, Bobby Lee (who plays John McCain, of all things). Catch a clue SNL. Diversify your cast and you’ll maximize your funny.
5. Michelle Obama rips into a racial tirad to “African Press International:” Once again — FAKE. Show me the reports! Show me the tapes, bloggers! I realize that while Michelle is my shero, she’s the opposition’s new “chocolate” Hillary Clinton dominatrix meant to whip the “whities” of the world into submission. That she’s going to borrow Condi Rice’s black, high heeled stormtropper boots and start beating grown white men demanding that they shout “I’m black and I’m proud” a la “The Players Club,” but these bloggers need to get their minds out of their pants. Michelle is not Sapphire. Sapphire is not Michelle.
6. Michelle Obama hates white people: Does that mean she hates one half of her husband? Or one quarter of her daughters? Or her in-laws? Or the Bidens? Or the campaign staffers?
I could go on and on.
I get crazy Barack stuff too, like how he wasn’t really born here and is therefore ineligible for the presidency … (even though, per the constitution that point is moot — his mother was an American citizen therefore he was born an American. Tis the rules people).
Never mind, I’m pretty sure Hillary would have brought that fact up during the primary if it were true. Just like all the Ayers flap and the other garbage the internet is en fuego with in light of Sean Hannity not supplying enough of their crackpot Obama news. Gee, don’t these people think that if Sean Hannity could get his hands some Ofay hatin’ tapes he would play them non-stop? What is wrong with these people! How you take the most Carlton Banks of non-Republican of black men and his brainy, brassy OBVIOUSLY American wife and make them out to be black Zapatistas is beyond me. But if you need an excuse not to vote for the future, I suppose you can find some weak excuse here in the fictitious flaws in Michelle Obama’s moral character.
Even though she’s not running.