Sexy Ladies

For some reason my birthday week was the week of sexy, fashionable women stepping out in Hollywood and NYC. Not that I’m complaining. Any excuse to elaborate on the fierceness of random sisters is a joy. But while I (and others) will be wrapped up in hair and shoes and what outfits worked and what didn’t and who needs to lose or gain some pounds, others will be … HOT WOMEN? WHERE? WHERE?

They’re here.

And you have a dirty mind.

Elle Magazine Celebrates Women (Who Just Happen to be hot)

Halle Berry, sexiest woman in the MF-ing universe (according to a bunch of magazines and some dudes at Papa Snob’s barber shop) dared to show up looking pretty good for a woman who just pushed out a baby. Impressive.

I like the red orchid skirt. The whole outfit is a safe for someone who really doesn’t have to do much to look fierce. With her resident sperm donor, I mean boyfriend, at her side, I love the little accents in her jewelry and the lovely black heels my flat, wide feet can only dream of wearing.

Gina Torres is my superhero. (When Michelle Obama is busy.) I love the little tweeks of flash and kink in her outfit. Like this is a pretty safe, shapely black dress, but the red leather purse and the black lace tights makes a much more bold and rebellious statement. I haven’t seen anyone work lace tights that effectively since a pre-Evita Madge rolled around on the floor at the 1984 MTV Video Music Awards. If I could pull it off, I’d rock it.

I’m not afraid to admit it. I love Anne Hathaway. I love her look, her hair and she usually dresses pretty spiffy. She’s looking a wee skinny of late, but I’ll just chalk that up to her breaking up with her skeevy Italian boyfriend who just went to jail. I also learned last weekend from Saturday Night Live (when she hosted) she actually has a nice set of pipes. I’m seeing a musical in someone’s future at some point. She already looks like a Disney princess. That said, check out the shoes.

Damn, said my feet. Don’t even think about it. Don’t even dream. Trapped somewhere between fugly and hot (or fugly hot), I want them and I don’t even know why.

Eva Mendes is a beautiful woman who recently bitched that Americans were all for violence on film but prudes when it came to getting naked and doing the freaky deaky. So true. I don’t expect every guy to pull a full frontal Kevin Bacon and his lil’ bacon in “Wild Things” or bust out the stunt penis in “Boogie Nights” like Mark Wahlberg, but, damn, would it kill someone to take their clothes off? You know? Artistically. And make some love. Artistically. If I wanted to see porn, I’d watch porn, but I feel like I’ve been denied so many things. Like seeing Cole Hauser and Sanaa Lathan do the nasty in that horrible Tyler Perry film. They couldn’t make out? Couldn’t grope a little? Nothing???

But that said, let’s talk about what Eva’s rocking. Personally, out of all the Evas (Pigford, Mendes and Longoria), Mendes is my favorite, mostly because she looks insane and considering her recent stint in rehab she’s probably a lot of fun at parties. But sometimes for someone with a body so beautiful (that she’s willing to show off … artistically) she covers it up in some of the ugliest clothes.

Case in point: I’m not feeling this. What’s the point in having hips and a waist and boobs and great legs if you’re just going to wear a flapper-esque, shapeless frock? And did you even bother to brush your hair? Bed-head is sexy in bed. At the big show it should look laid. But I’ll forgive you because I love your crazy ass.

She’s so dreamy and sunny looking. Like a hostess at a really good restaurant. Or an old school coffee, tea or me airline stewardess. Or a nicety-nice girl who always wears the right shoes and has the perfect French tip manicure and pronounces every syllable of every word. And one long time Snob reader has regularly insisted that Kerry Washington looks like she’d make an excellent trophy wife. Someone call Sheikh Hamdan bin Mohammed bin Rashid al Maktoum of Dubai!

Now sometimes I have serious issues with Kerry’s makeup. This time is no real exception, but what I’m more annoyed with is her inability to take a picture with her mouth closed. This reminds me of a time I was trying to help out with a photo shoot and I suggested that the very beautiful woman posing close her mouth in a few shots because it would look better. She claimed she could not. I don’t know if she thought I was insulting her or calling her a mouth-breather (which she basically said she was as her excuse. She claimed she couldn’t breath without leaving our mouth partly open), but I was a little exasperated because … you can’t close your mouth for two seconds to get a decent shot where you don’t look like a mouth-breather?

Long story short. Kerry Washington, you’re gorgeous. Close your mouth when you pose for pictures. Or smile. Chose one!

God. Don’t you remember when Jennifer Lopez used to dress with the drama and was all sexy and crazy and was running around like her ass was made out of gold and was half-naked in dresses held together with double-stick tape screaming, “LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! I’M SO SEXY!”

What did Marc Anthony DO to that woman? That woman would never wear this! This is a criminal!

The puffy sleeves. The unflattering ruffled living room curtains look. That stoopid Stepford Wives bouffant. Why, Jenny from the block? Why did you have to change?

At least your feet looked good. Albeit they looked like they were going to the chapel aaaand gonna get maaaaried!

Thandie Newton Is A Sexy RockNRolla with Idris Elba and Gerard Butler (Who Isn’t?)

Thandie Newton. How many people get to be both an actress and an African princess? I love Thandie and hate Thandie. Mostly because she’s the scrawny, British Halle Berry — a really gorgeous biracial actress who despite her beauty and popularity still struggles to get quality work … so she ends up in suspect things. Like Berry did “Catwoman.” Thandie did “The Chronicles of Riddick.” But if there was a battle over who’s the better tragic mulatto actress I don’t know who would win.

Halle hogs all the good parts anyway.

The dress sort of reminds me of Saran Wrap, but she looks lovely. It gives the great illusion of a shape she doesn’t actually have, enhancing the bit she has to great effect.

Shoes and purses are nice, but a good looking man is always the best accessory to wear. You can’t do much better than both Idris Elba (who makes me think of the richest, most delicious, moist piece of chocolate cake with chocolate icing in the world) and Gerard “THIS … IS … SPARTA!” Butler.

Also there in black, gray and, strangely, feathers, the statuesque Garcelle Beauvais. You know? Along with Tasha Smith, Aisha Tyler and Gina Torres, she too might make a good Michelle Obama in the eventual movie that we all know will happen once the voters of the United States write the ending. (If the Pinkett-Smiths don’t ruin it by chopping four feet off of Michelle.)

Hated the outfit, love the purse n’ boots. Condoleeza would approve. A must have for any girl with an inner power lusting dominatrix.

The Secret Life of Incredibly Sexy Bees

Will and Jada keep it hot in the streets. As always. Jada’s dress is a nice Donna Reed, vacuum-my-house-in-pearls-and-heels throwback. I’m missing her short hair a bit, but she’s been wearing the long locks for awhile now.

Jennifer Hudson. Love the short, feathered hair. Love the color of the gown, but not too wild about the style. The shoes, not doing a lot for me either. She’s not really selling them (or they aren’t selling her feet.) What’s the point of being all curvy and luscious and being unable to wield it as a deadly weapon more appropriately? I hate it when good looking people get so close getting it right then run smack dab into “fail.”

Everything is WRONG! The blonde hair. The cut and style of the hair. The too dark, blood red lipstick. The black and silver print dress. It’s giving me a headache from slamming my head against the keyboard. Why, Queen Latifah? Why? You look so great in the Cover Girl commercials. What the hell happened?

It’s little Dakota Fanning! She’s growing up so fast. She can duke it out with Emma Watson over who’s the hottest tween. I don’t know who would win, but I have a feeling that Dakota at 20 is going to be a man killer.

Wait. Look at those heels! They’re hot, but how old is she? Are her feet age appropriate! Shoes that sexy disturb me a tad.

More of Jada in her Donna Reed design.

Sanaa Lathan’s smile is melting away those terrible memories I have of “The Family That Preys.” Not that I ever blamed her. And just like in the movie, her hair is mesmerizing me. What brand of Yaki created that?

And excellent use of distracting cleavage. It’s a lot of boobage, but not too gratuitous that she’s strolling into vamp territory. Just a little something to let you know that they’re there and they are fabulous.

I was excited about Nia Long’s look when I saw this perky, pretty head shot …

Then had my heart broken by the underwhelming blouse and skinny jeans. Boo!

Eva Pigford toned it down for this event. I prefer the drama, all day/every day, but I can live with her super long eyelashes and long sleeved black v-neck dress. Yeah, she looks like she’s going to a funeral and is just meh, but I’ll let it slide this time. Wish there was a better shot of the shoes. They look like they might be purple satin and that would be hot.

Ali Landry. I still wonder. Was she annoying or was Mario Lopez a man-whore because she’s drop dead gorgeous to the point of almost being flawless and he’s Mario “AC Slater Effing” Lopez. What happened? By the time the photos developed it was over.

It’s my No. 1 girl crush! Jill Marie Jones (seconded only by Rosario Dawson). I’m always happy to see Jill anywhere. I’d prefer to see her on TV or in a movie, but I’ll take the red carpet. For the first time Jill is rocking TOO much weave. I mean, I love her weaves. She looks fierce in them. But she’s got so much Rapunzel going on that it looks like she’s wearing a Hawaiian Silky Yaki-fur stole.

Still. To have the butter brown skin, the height, the tiny waist, legs for days, Dallas Cowboy cheerleader body and cheek bones for five minutes would be awesome. Even in a dress this ugly with a purse that works with nothing.

Keisha Sharpe. The woman they tried to use to make up for the loss of Jill Marie Jones on “Girlfriends.” I’m sorry. You’re cute in a Robin Givens sort of way, but my heart belongs to Jill. So I’m writing this to you in the most backhanded and biased way possible:

Your dress looks like a JC Penney Juniors Prom special and you’re wearing black nylons when Michelle Obama already declared nyons dead. And they’re not cool, like Gina Torres’ lace tights. But plain black nylons ready to rip at any moment. And your hair is a little frizzy, like it was humid at the premiere. But … cute shoes.

And lastly, the everlasting beauty of Beverly Johnson

Rock that wig, supermodel!

21 thoughts on “Sexy Ladies

  1. Idris Elba is delectable. Yum.Thandie Newton… I’d hit that THREE times. LOL! She’s a beaut. She’s also my husband’s movie girlfriend. Good choice…Gerard Butler… I can’t get his “300” abs out of my mind. They are there, forever stained in my brain. That’s a blessing right there! Amen.Halle is crazy gorgeous. It’s at the point of ridiculousness now.Lastly, I feel homely. GOOD DAY! LOL

  2. Snob, is it wrong that I read your celebrity posts first, then the political ones? Did you have to be so mean to Keisha Sharpe? On second thought: don’t answer that.

  3. great job compiling all these pics!! gina torres: love the tights. though i wish she had a little more red or a more bangin’ bag but it works. anne hathaway: meh. not really feeling the shoes and i fully agree with u on her health. she’s dangerously close to mary-kate and ashley thinnesskerry washington: u’ve expressed wut i’ve thought for so long! those lips, lord, those lips. she really needs some lipstick. she looks half-dead…idris elba: well, i guess i’ll be happy for thandie. he’s so fine! i look forward to his future movies and watching “daddy’s little girls” over again.garcelle b: dem big boots in fall? very questionable. she must’ve been sho’nuf hot.jada: way too much hair for her. she’s so little. i’m praying with u that she doesn’t end up as michelle o in a movie.queen latifah: i disagree with you. i love her hair. it’s more elegant than her past hairstyles (at least what i can remember). it gives her a more refined look. though she needs to lighten up her lipstick. not too many black women can rock purple, lolkeisha sharpe: that was harsh Snob. she did a good job as William’s wife and eventually got along with the other g/fs. and i’m not sure wut junior high you went too cuz kids at my school def didn’t dres like that. if she loses the stockings and lengthens the dress (and brushes her weave, lol), the outfit could totally work

  4. Halle – hell I’d do her (and her baby’s daddy)Anne Hathaway – so not feelin’ the shoesEva Mendes – I’d do her too, but definitely minus that dressJLo- never liked her, can’t stand her hubby, dress sucks, shoes look too bigThandie Newton – cute as a button but I’d describe her more as “Halle from the other side of the tracks”ZOMG! If I hadn’t seen Will Smith I would NEVER have guessed that was Jada..WTF?Jennifer Hudson – no on the shoes, no on that shirred shit on the dressQueen Latifah – I’m with kala_p on the hair (even though I am vehemently opposed to going blonde if you’re black and not naturally blonde) but she’s rockin it, the dress is a mistake, needs some damn MASCARADakota Fanning – gonna be gorgeous one day, talented tooNia Long is just CUTE but someone needs to teach her how to dress appropriately, that ain’t it, at allBeverly Johnson – I want the numbers for her plastic surgeon and personal trainerI have NFC who the rest of those people are. At all.Now I’ll show my age: does ANYONE wear freakin’ pantyhose anymore? I am sick and tired of seeing knobby knees, veins and toes. Sheesh. There are still SOME situations when stockings are appropriate.

  5. Here’s my run-down.Kerry Washington–If she were my trophy wife, I would mount her at least 4 times a day, against the wall, on the coffee table, etc.Halle Berry–Those evil black men (David Justice, that creepy male model and Wesley Snipes) did her wrong, so she finally got fed up and went into the arms of a white guy. Sorry, darling, but all the brothers out there aren’t trash. Wait a minute, I think that happened to me too. Halle, you were just looking for an excuse, weren’t you? You bi-arch!Anne Hathway–An innocent doe caught in my high beams.Eva Mendes and Jennifer Lopez–Two ferocious maneaters. Marry them at your own risk.Thandie Newton–Although she’s more talented than Berry, her career seems stalled. She’ll never starve in Hollywood, however.Jada Pinkett–I used to think her beauty was so rare. Not anymore. A dime a dozen these days.Dakota Fanning–I think she’ll become a great star and beauty.Queen Latifah–everyone says she looks and sounds like my sister. She’s from my hometown, so it’s probably in the DNA.Nia Long–I love me some Chinese black girls.

  6. SNOB, did you happen to find any pictures of Sophie Okonedo, the fourth cast member from the movie? I feel like she’s being left out of overall coverage. She wasn’t on the cover of the new Ebony magazine with Queen, J-Hud and Ms. Keys, and her in appearence on the BET special (which surprisingly was well done) she seemed slightly uncomfortable. Maybe it’s just me…but either way I propose you make her you new favorite Chocolate British Invasion!…she’s more toffee or pecan tan than chocolate but you get my point.

  7. anonymous 7:52 p.m.: I noticed that too. I didn’t really get it. Maybe it’s because she’s the least famous one here in the states. I like Sophie Okendo (she is a member of my Great Wall of Sexy). Maybe she’s having some trouble adjusting to the American press or (more likely) the studio is playing her down because they don’t think she will move any box office receipts. Maybe this film will be the break she needs here in America (as Jefferson In Paris, and later Mission Impossible II, was for Thandie). As scarce as roles are for black women in Hollywood I don’t even wanna know what you have to go through to get a part as a black woman in Europe. Pick a country, any country. That’s gotta be a tough way to make a living.

  8. Now now draven7, don’t be hatin’ on Ms Berry. She got herself a trophy BOYFRIEND 10 yrs her junior. Nothing wrong with that at all. Plus she’s a homegirl of mine so I have to have her back.

  9. Oh, Your Snobness, after I picked myself up off of the floor after a laugh and squeal fest, I had to agree with your comments. At first, I was quite bitter. Why did she have to go and show me clothes and shoes in this economy? She knows I can’t afford anything new! But the comments! Saran Wrap! Brand of Yaki hair! Slamming your head against your keyboard! Running smack dab into fail! I now have confidence that I can rock my inner power lusting dominatrix this fall, and am convinced that you will be a beauty editor in one of your future careers.

  10. My take. Gabriel is Halle's sperm donor and they look like they're pretending to be together. Thandie is berry without the drama but still pretty and a bulimia survivor. Yes she had bulimia. Garcelle I'm surprised she's invited to anything and still have no respect for her for getting naked for Playboy knowing she has a teenage son plus outfits a no. Thandie and Garcelle hardly ever see them with those husbands of theirs. Could it because neither of them are anything to look? Kerry Washington need to wear lipstick or something because she has those lips. Saana pretty. JLO looks tired. The two girlfriend I still love them and mad the show was cancelled. >.< Latifiah why!!!? Everybody else eith ah or no way. Rant out.

  11. Thandie is gorgeous. Just gorgeous. Just gorgeous. In a perfect way.J Lo– well, goodbye, J Lo. don’t forget to take your curtains with you. Definitely disagree on Latifah– love her look, the hair rocks, love the blond. Go Latifah go!Eva pigford– who cares what she’s wearing with those gorgeous eyes?Will and Jada rock as always, and I love love love the Donna Reed look, but jada– Ms. Reed would be wearing her hair _up_ with that dress. Emergency updo, stat!Thanks for the post, Snob! You do great commentary.

  12. I ain’t hatin’ on Halle, Greer. My ex has her beat. Her man is 13 years her junior. Karma will get ’em though. Once you go black, you don’t go back. Just joking, of course.

  13. kerry washington:i don’t get the attraction,she always seems to be making a face like something smells bad or is eating something sour, she just look “regla” to me…. but i do think she is talented.

  14. @draven7 – only 13 yrs younger? I had a trophy white boy that was 18 yrs my junior. Dumber n’ a box of rocks but brains were not required. My kids used to call him Ashton Kutcher. Hell I was the trophy wife with the dead husband, 15 yrs his junior. Old white men, gotta love ’em.

  15. From the bottom up:Beverly Johnson – black don’t crack, she looks GOOD though that facial powder is leaving her looking a bit ghastly.Keisha Sharpe – I love her, but her hair needs a brush through it. Jill Marie Jones – fellow Texan is gorgeous, but I’m concerned about the eyebrow-penciling? Too much? Too bold? Her mane is gorgeous.Ali Landry – loved her on “Eve” and I think she’s gorgeous too. Mario Lopez is just a douche.Eva Marcelle (Pigford) – ha ha Very toned down…the dress looks like a robe, but this chica is beautiful all the same.Nia Long – what happened? She looks all ‘pinched’ in the face. I still love her.Sanaa – pretty in pink. I love her. Love her! Gorgeous!Jada – cute and petite. I feel those big bangs crowd her face though.Dakota – talented and cute. She will go far. QueenLa – oooh, wrong lipstick choice maybe? And the asymmetrical bob? Hmmm. Still love her though.JHud – need to buy that album! Love her makeup her hair love her.Garcelle – Cute boots. Cute. Thandie – gorgeous! Eat something! LOL Sometimes she can look crazy-skinny. Love her.Gerard Butler – you sexy white chocolate thang you!Idris Elba – *sits down* this man is so hot to me. I love this brotha!JLo – you looking haggard in the face babe, but your shoe game is on point! What the heck happened to her, indeed.Kerry – not really feeling the Sunday picnic skirt, but she looks gorgeous. Love her. Love the shoes!Eva Mendes – looks a hot tossed mess. πŸ™ I like her otherwise.Anne Hathaway – her shoes look like confectioneries. I want to eat them. Don’t they look like cupcakes or something? LOLGina Torres – all hail this mighty-beauty. Always loved her. Her outfit, her entire look is on point save for those hose. LOL I LOVE HER. Zoe Warren (Firefly) For the world!Halle – chic; love the look, love the heels, love her. πŸ™‚

  16. Maybe this film will be the break she needs here in America (as Jefferson In Paris, and later Mission Impossible II, was for Thandie). As scarce as roles are for black women in Hollywood I don’t even wanna know what you have to go through to get a part as a black woman in Europe.Wasn’t Hotel Rwanda that ‘break’? Followed by her co-starring role in Aeon Flux? I take your silence as answer. LOL. Wasn’t she nominated for her role in Rwanda?? I thought so. I, too, hope she can get more shine as I think she’s talented. πŸ™‚

  17. Jennifer Lopez really is dressing like Zsa Zsa Gabor lately. If Zsa Zsa had an extra $30,000 to spend on each outfit.The “I Dream of Jeannie” updo really isn’t helping matters either.-nicole g

  18. Am I the only one who took one look at that first photo and thought, “Holy shit! Who the hell was bleeding all over Halle Berry?!?!” You can’t tell it’s a flower in that picture!I can’t stand the weird shoulder pads on Anne Hathaway, not with those skinny arms anyway. And she is so adorable in a very feminine way that she should always wear pastels or bright colors. Dark doesn’t look so good on her. The shoes are so unusual that I like them, not that I could ever wear them without tripping and killing myself tho.Aaaaaaaagh! Eva Mendez, one of the most beautiful women in the world, with a great body, and she puts on a muumuu? It’s shimmery and glittery but still a muumuu!JLo is just as bad in that big fluttery curtain looking thing.Everything Garcelle is wearing could be awesome, just not together. I really love that skinny skirt, but it’s just not right with that feathery top and those kick ass dominatrix boots.The best dressed is Ali Landry everything is perfect together. That dress is gorgeous.

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