Doomed Romance: Disappearing Acts

When you’ve had a series of romances that are ill fated before they even get off the ground you start to wonder, “Is it me?”

We all have our own pathologies we bring to a relationship. Subconsciously we are looking for people like our parents, but who can give us something our parents could not. Sometimes we’re rebels, looking for someone the opposite of what we’ve known. And some of us just don’t know what we’re looking for at all.

The following contributor wants love badly, but has trouble holding on to it. With most relationships barely lasting a month or more, love has been elusive and the disappointment has been routine.

“Is it me?” she’s wondering. She’s not the first person to ask this question.


I met this guy at the club (of all places).

He was tall, dreads, and all kind of sexy. So I went up to him, put my fingers through his hair and told him “I love your dreads” and left it at that. Later on that night in the club I found him again and asked him to dance he said yes and we exchanged numbers. I didn’t expect him to call me, but he did. We hit it off immediately and talked on the phone for hours. He wanted to see me again over the weekend so we made plans.

When we went out we had a good time. We went to the park, the movies, ate out and we kissed which seemed like forever. I told my self a million times don’t fall for this guy too quick. But I was tired of putting my guard up, so I put it down.

We spoke on the phone numerous times and then I went up to his house. We had a good time, but no sex. Then I decided to ask him where he thought we were going with this, he kept telling me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and giving me the run-around. A week later he suddenly stopped picking up his phone.

After three days of not picking up the phone I started to notice the pattern, one I had with every guy I dated. I kept thinking he normally calls back, if anything was wrong he knows my email address. I kept telling myself, “It’s no big deal. He’ll call.” I finally decided to email him and then he wrote me back saying that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and he knew I wanted one. He said he didn’t want to mislead me and didn’t mean to mislead me if he had.

I was stunned.

I tried to pretend I wasn’t, but deep down I wanted him. I really thought we hit it off. I couldn’t get over him. There were nights I just couldn’t sleep wondering what was it I did wrong this time? Was I wrong to ask him? What if I didn’t ask him? Why does this always to happen to me? I got angry with myself, kept rewinding the past from what he said to me and what we did. Trying to find the signs.

As of now I haven’t gone on a date. This happened in the month of October 2007. I decided to take a year off from dating cause I just kept running into the same scenario time and time again. I’m hoping the next time I’m on a date it’ll be for keeps.

14 thoughts on “Doomed Romance: Disappearing Acts

  1. This is a completely unrelated comment, but, there’s a great picture of Zahara and Brad Pitt on TMZ’s website now, where Z’s got her spy-look going on. Isn’t it about time for SCAN to have another story on this…especially now that the twins have been born?

  2. If you are getting dates, not having sex and then being dumped(if there is a kinder word I’d use it)because the perception is you want a long term relationship you are not going to going to get to keeps. Dating is about getting to meet someone and find out if they are keeps material(these days I’m pretty sure this means sex). You are at “keeps” determination in 3 dates and no sex. I’m pretty sure that’s a WTF!Try the date thing. Just go out and be with someone to have fun, enjoy their company and find out if they can show you something you don’t know about.

  3. Even though I applaud you with being up front, I think your timing was a bit off. 3 dates is a little soon for that question, but after maybe a few months it may have been appropriate. Most people are “not ready for a relationship” until a they catch a certain feeling about you and maybe he just wasn’t there yet. Think about it this way too, you may have dodged a bullet… who knows? I am rambling so I am gonna shut up now, lol

  4. Robert m are you saying that you have to have sex with that person to find out if they are keeps or not? If that is what you are saying, I think that is ludicrous. I think you have to get know someone as friends first over an extended amount of time. After that u decide if that person is someone you can be with long term or spend the rest of your life with that person. IMO, dating is not for mating it’s for gathering information, but to each its own.

  5. Maybe she should stop being so thirsty and throwing herself at these men. I’m sure they can smell her desperation a mile away.-Truthteller

  6. Unfortunately I have had the same thing happen. I am also just done with dating now, I don’t know what it is that I keep attracted the same sort over and over again.

  7. Girl, don’t fret. Seriously. First, your story is, as one of the previous commenters noted, part of the dating process. You will meet people that you really like, who might not feel the same way about you. That’s life.Second, at least you didn’t sleep with him. There are a lot of men ( and women, to be fair) who wouldn’t hesitate to sleep with you, regardless if they liked you or not. If you are offering it up for free, then why not?Third, you might not know it now, but this guy did you a huge favour. He told you TWICE that he was not ready for a relationship and you should have listened to him the first time. Some people wouldn’t have even responded to your email – they would have just left you hanging in the wind. Thank your lucky stars – you can pick yourself up and simply move on.Dating sucks and I’ve been where you are several times – and many of them have been far worse situations than this one. dust yourself off and get back into the dating game. And remember, sometimes it is you – not everyone is going to like you, that’s just the way it is – and sometimes it’s just timing.

  8. I think someone had a point, although it was a little cruelly put…he just wasnt that into you!You met this person in a club. What did you think he was looking for, a wife? Most people go to those places to have fun, and meet Ms/Mr Right Now.Taking a year off from dating is probably one of the best ideas you had. It will give you a chance to find yourself, and figure out what you like, and need in your life. I wouldn’t necessarily put a time limit on it though. You need to be a healthy, complete person to attract the same. Become someone you would want to be around. Enjoy the company of your friends, family and yourself.If you happen to meet a man, take out the expectations and just be. They may turn out to be a great friend, a mentor, or the best friend to your future mate. Every single person has something to add to your life including this guy. He helped you to get where you are now, which is hopefully,a better place. Take it as a lesson learned, and next time a man says I dont want a relationship, believe him!

  9. I have had the same experiences. As a woman entering my 30s, I had to evaluate what I was doing. My new outlook on dating is that I should just relax and enjoy myself. Also, I treat dating like trying to get a job (in some respects). When I meet a man, I am “interviewing” him as a potential mate; and he is interviewing me. I don’t have to make a decision right away or put undue pressure on myself or on him. Don’t give up on dating girl. Just change your approach. Date multiple men, figure out what you really want and then take the time to make sure he is the right man. Why waste time getting over the wrong man. P.S. Don’t rush in to sex. As women, we tend to get attached after sex and that clouds your judgment. If a man doesn’t want to date you because you won’t sleep with him, he is not worthy of YOU…Let the church say

  10. Taking time off worked well for me. I got dumped, went into the army, and didn’t date for a reaaally long time. I think one reason it didn’t work was that I had no clue who I was or what I wanted in a relationship, and she knew it better than I did. I needed to get right with me before I could get with anyone else.It took me a few years, but at the end of it, I had figured out what I wanted in a partner, I realized I could do without a partner until I found the one I wanted, and that anything less than what I really wanted was not acceptable anymore. I dated a little and then met the girl I wanted to be with. We both knew after three months; ten years later, we still know. It happens when it is supposed to happen, you just ain’t gotten there yet. Keep looking, don’t compromise, and have fun.Just my thoughts.

  11. Oh my sisters, my sisters. When will we ever learn? Now. Why do I say that? Because I am going to impart a little wisdom on you. These are the things I wish my mom or auntie told me before I became serial monogamous and "I-hate-being-single-so-I'll-create-a-relationship-after-the-first-date" girl. Sound familiar. It probably does. That's because we are not taught to be friends with the opposite sex. Somehow as amazing as we are (and we are) we choose to microwave our relationships into something more. And when he doesn't want more instead of accepting it and moving on we create stories of how we will prove our worthiness. "He is going to want me if I just…"(you fill in the blank) We stalk them (yes it feels like stalking to them) and make excuses to call them. I am so glad we did not have email when I was dating (don't laugh) because then there would be proof of how silly I was. I am lucky though. I dated very nice men. I never subscribed to the 'all-men-are-dogs' vibe. It just wasn't me because that was not my experience. My girls would say, "Girl you are so lucky" I say I am picky. Being picky got me a magnificent husband. He was my friend first. He already new he wanted me. I don't know where the desperation comes from but if we are more honest with each other we can stop each other from doing this. So yes it is you sometimes. But I also dare say even if you play it cool and after 3 months (or 3 years for that matter) & find this fool is still like "I don't know where this going" leave his ass alone. He just wants the draws. Either give it up and shut up or move on.

  12. I spent so many years doing exactly the same thing. I actually found a relationship coach who helped me learn to stop making the same mistakes again and again. But what is most telling about your words is the way you turn it on yourself: what was it I did wrong this time? And that was just where I went. *I* must have done something wrong. It couldn’t have been, well, he just wasn’t as into me as I was into him…period. We make it about some failing, shortcoming, gaffe, issue in ourselves rather than just deal with the reality…like the title of the book that came out too late to help me much: He’s Just Not That Into You.It got so bad that for a while there I became convinced that I was The One Who Could Not Be Loved (apologies to Harry Potter fans everywhere). It took some major attitude adjustment in my mid-thirties to finally begin to get my head right.It’s tough out there, no question. But when it does work, it can be so very sweet.Good luck, sista!

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