Mourning Mittens

While I didn’t want Mitt Romney anywhere near 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. I, like many people who enjoy the magical phoniness that is Mitt Romney, am crushed (Crushed, I tell you!) that he won’t be available to make fun of for the next 67 days.

It was my dream to see both John McCain and Mitt Romney stand next to each other all sour patches while trying not to vomit or murder one another. Maybe that was the problem. Because if Mitt were veep it would be creepy to have him call every morning to ask John, “How are feeling today? Do you feel the cold hand of the Grim Reaper itching closer? Like they always say, John, go into the light!”

Maybe Gov. Sarah Palin is able to get out her talking points without everyone wanting to take a shower afterwards. But the real victim in all this is me. All I wanted was to have Mittens back for me to kick around. My visions of seeing Mad Joe Biden taking The Crazy to Mittens in a debate. Hearing Mittens lie about things he didn’t have to lie about. Tell me how your dad walked with Dr. King again, Mittens! I liked that story!

And I felt sorry for Mittens. As the primary progressed the other Republican ladies-in-waiting started playing John McCain’s backup dancers during debates. They would all take turns taking a Louisville Slugger to Mittens’ lil’ mitts. They just wouldn’t stop picking on him. He can’t help it that he looks like a game show host and went from being moderate-to-hard right in the span of one soundbite.

He wanted to be president, dammit! He didn’t care how. And then people stopped donating so he kept spending his own cash. He was going to purchase what We the People wouldn’t deliver. See? McCain could use a guy who could write his own checks, but Romney was denied … again. Now he sits there, all salty, because he’s been shit-grinning and kissing McCain’s ass for months and now all that hard work FOR NOTHING. Endorsing him at CPAC where he’d become some conservative folk hero while McCain got booed? FOR NOTHING. Pretending to find McCain smart, impressive, inspiring or dynamic and defending him on TV? FOR NOTHING.

Mittens’ kissed ass for more than four months and all he got was yet another slap down from McCain, only this slap down was governor of Alaska for less than two years and doesn’t have $220 million.


There were so many things I hadn’t made fun of yet about you, Mittens. So many things. Like how you look like you style your hair with Armor All and that you stage massive tournaments of charades and Risk with the Osmond family at your compound. There will never be a candidate out of central casting more cheesy than you, and that’s what makes you special.


While I work up some material on this, Palin person, I guess I’ll just have to wonder what could have been …

… Made fun of.

11 thoughts on “Mourning Mittens

  1. which one’s mittens and which one’s guy smiley…i live in boston, ma and i can tell you first hand what a lousy governor mittens was…but even i was shocked he didn’t get the veep…there would’ve been much to giggle about with him grinning and bearing it against the old man mccain…

  2. Lol, when I heard he didn’t pick him I know mittens will try to drail Mcrat’s chances of winning.If the Dems don’t win this, we may as well just say goodbye to the Dems and their big-tent party. Palin is gift, I was thinking he was going to pick Tom Ridge so as to win Pennsylvania which the Dems can’t win with it…but hey, Dobson and rightwingers must be made happy…

  3. I love the way you wrote that. But, I knew Mitt wasn’t going to get the nod. That would be Republican suicide. They have to at least put up a fight. As far as Palin, people already see right through that BS. However, we may have an opportunity to see the first woman president if McCain wins. Doesn’t make sense you say. McCain is old, played with Jesus at daycare old. His senility is showing as well. I don’t think the old boy is going to make it to 2012. So, if he does win, say hello to President Palin.

  4. Very funny Snob. After McLame couldn’t remember how many houses he has Mittikens was definitely out of the picture. Picking Palin was brilliant.

  5. BS – you want the 411 on Palin it looks like <A HREF="“ REL=”nofollow”>this is a good place to start. You might check out Field Negro where another Alaskan blogger wrote in to question whether the youngest Palin was mommy’s boy or perhaps her first grandchild.Sounds harsh I know but apparently her eldest daughter was out of school with mono for the last three months of Mommy’s pregnancy. Also, many of Palin’s co-workers were not aware she was pregnant until she informed them sometime during the 7th month. I guess even then, according to some co-workers, she didn’t look pregnant. Add that to the speed with which she returned to work (3 days). I mean ouch – really? Three days?

  6. OMG Snob he looks EXACTLY like those Guy Smiley photos your found. And “Because if Mitt were veep it would be creepy to have him call every morning to ask John, “How are feeling today? Do you feel the cold hand of the Grim Reaper itching closer? Like they always say, John, go into the light!” That made me cry a little with laughter! Oh man that was mad funny!!!

  7. Thank you for writing something that made me laugh out loud. Mittens would indeed have been awfully interesting to watch. Fear not, though. I have a feeling that Palin will keep us plenty entertained over the next 60 or so days.

  8. Girl I love the pictured; high resolution or not, I made that picture my computer wallpaper replacing the fist bump picture that I love.As the wife of an elected official I can relate to the Obama’s in so many ways; regarding Sasha’s enthusiasm in the one picture she reminds me of our youngest when we were out on the campaign trail….

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