Hawaii … Surpisingly Not Foriegn, But Pineapples Are Jihadists

Above: That most unpatriotic place, Pearl Harbor, HI. Below: Young Barack Obama who grew up in Hawaii

So Barack, Michelle and the girls, as you know, went to Hawaii, but there’s this thing going around how “elitist” it is for Obama fam to go to Hawaii, you know. Because it’s too “foreign” and “exotic.” Even though, it’s like, a US state with senators and representatives and everything. And like when it was bombed by the Japanese during WWII we totally went to war over it. And it’s totally where Barack was raised and his grandmother lives there along with his sister. Um … so going home the the part of America from which you were raised is a bad thing?

I know Hawaii’s a state but it has the look of him going off to some foreign exotic place. He should be in Myrtle Beach if he’s going to take a vacation at this time.

Cokie Roberts, ABC “This Week”

I get it. Real Americans can’t afford a trip to Hawaii … well, actually they used to be able to afford them when they had jobs and their houses weren’t being foreclosed on. And yes, there are a lot those “ethnic minorities” in Hawaii. All those Asians and native Hawaiians and Samoans and other Polynesians. I mean. Totally ew. Even if they do like McDonald’s and watch “Grey’s Anatomy.” I know every time I like at Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson I don’t see an American at all. God no. Not with that delicious brown skin and booming American accent. Not when he used to play college football and looks like he would smell like money and cocoa butter. He’s a former wrestler, for goodness sake. Wrestling is totally not American.

Neither was Hawaii Five-O. Or Magnum PI. Or surfing. Or pineapples … Pineapples. That is totally a jihadist fruit! I had a friend and co-worker who was raised in Hawaii and liked fresh pineapple. That was sooo unAmerican it was disgusting. I was so disgusted with her that I went over her house for dinner and ate that fresh pineapple until its acidity made my mouth hurt because it was so freaking delicious. But that’s exactly what a jihadist fruit would do.

Like listen to this crazy, jihadist senator, Daniel Akaka from Hawaii. He released this statement and I can’t even understand it because of this totally foreign form of “English” he was speaking.

“Saying our 50th state is somehow “foreign,” does a great disservice to the hard working, patriotic Americans who call Hawaii home. For months people have been asking me, ‘when is Sen. Obama going to come home?’ I’m so glad he found time to visit his sister and his grandmother, show his daughters more of his home state, and relax a little. Hawaii is a great U.S. destination, just ask the 5.5 million Americans who visited last year for business and pleasure.”

Seriously. The nerve of this foreigner and the nerve of this Obama person! How dare that man want to see his aging grandmother! How horrible that he would want to spend time to see his sister and other relatives in the state where he went to high school and was raised. To see old friends and familiar hangouts. That is horrible! The nerve! Why couldn’t he do something more “American” like retire to a wealthy and secluded family compound. That’s what real Americans do. Go to giant fortress vacation homes like the McCains, the Bushes or the Kennedys or the Romneys. What up, Barack? You’re too elitist for a fortress off of the east coast? Lame, Barry. Totally lame.

And now for more pictures of the Obama Family vacation …

It was a nice day for a run. But, oh no! Barack, that might make you too skinny. Thin, while considered to be attractive and healthy, is very unAmerican. You need to be a fat, lardo like the rest of us. Where is the Big Gulp of Mountain Dew? Where are your Twinkies? Where is your television set showing Maury? We need to find out if John Edwards IS the FATHER!

Addressing the crisis between Georgia and Russia from a lush, tropical paradise? You monster! You couldn’t do this on American soil that looked more … um … American?

Visiting a replica of an ancient Buddhist temple? Americans don’t do that. We totally don’t have Buddhists in A
merica. And sure, everyone likes that Dali Lama character, but he’s cool. TeeVee told me so.

Hanging out with friends and some miscellaneous kids while wearing flip-flops! Presidents don’t wear flip-flops, such a sloppy and vaguely “oriental” pseudo “shoe.” They wear something dignified like Crocs with black presidential seal socks. That’s classy.

More flip flops? Going to dinner with your sister and wife? WTF, Obama? Who does that? In America we don’t treat our loved ones to a nice dinner out. If it can’t be ordered through a drive-thru and eaten alone while stuck in traffic on the interstate Americans want no part of it. Restaurants are so elitist. You have to wear shoes and a shirt there!

Real Americans eat their meals in nothing but our underpants and black presidential seal socks while we crank up the Tobey Keith and watch pre-season football. Do they even have pro football in this Hawaii place? They probably play some elitist, girly man sport like college football. Lame, Hawaii! Lame, Barack! You lose every time! Take your jihadist pineapples, beautiful vistas, gorgeous people, sparkling blue waters, clear blue skies, amazing volcanic activity, college football, The Rock, C&H pure cane sugar and the entire cast of ABC’s “Lost” and stuff them in your pipe and smoke it.

20 thoughts on “Hawaii … Surpisingly Not Foriegn, But Pineapples Are Jihadists

  1. Your post is so on point. The media pundits are just so damn stupid. I think they have now come to the point of just making anything up about Obama to have a reason to complain.

  2. looks like he would smell like money and cocoa butterI had to stop reading there until I could get my giggles under control. You are killing it today, Snob!

  3. Stop making excuses for Obama, Snob. If he were a REAL American, he’d buy a ranch a Texas and pretend he actually grew up there and herd cattles. And ride horses! And clear brush! American crap like that!Did you see the Bush family ever spend family vacay time in THEIR elitist martini-swilling Northeastern homestate of Conneticut?Wait. scratch that.Anyway, there’s a point in there somewhere. And that is … why does Barack Obama hate America? And freedom?? And bald eagles??

  4. okay this is me having a girl crush on you – I own you a drink at hte Chocolate bar or something… LAWD HAVE MERCY I shouldn’t laugh this hard at work.

  5. Just think about what they would say if he had the unmitigated gall to go to Puerto Rico. I mean, they even speak Spanish there. It’s so beautiful and exotic. I guess the pundits would forget that it’s a US Commonwealth and no passport is necessary to visit.I guess it would have been more acceptable if he went to the tourist trap known as Ocean City, MD.

  6. “Why couldn’t he do something more “American” like retire to a wealthy and secluded family compound. …What up, Barack? You’re too elitist for a fortress off of the east coast? Lame, Barry. Totally lame.”OMG – ROFLMAO!! Shoot, even my extended family has a fortress off the east coast – we’re REAL Americans. Granted the fortress is more like a three room cabin, but its off the East Coast not out in some foreign place like Hawaii!!! Furthermore REAL AMericans don’t spend their precious vacy time visiting family – heavens no! God, what was he THINKING?

  7. love this post! they were also saying on the news that John McCain was born in Panama on U.S Territory, so that does that mean John McCain’s birth was un-American? the gall of these people.

  8. 1. Thank you for the pics. Always appreciated.2. Thank you for the killer column. On point. as usual. You ever want to just reach through the teevee and bitchslap someone? that’s what I wanted to do Sunday.Myrtle Beach?Bitch, please. Your ass wouldn’t be able to pick out Myrtle Beach in a chauffered car. The nerve of that Uppity Negro to go visit his grandmother. The grandmother who raised him for a chunk of his life. The grandmother who is housebound.The grandmother up in age. The grandmother who didn’t get to see him during his usual visit in December, because they were in IOWA. PS-I love the flip flops.

  9. Perhaps there’s more to the name Cokie than we thought because she is obviously on something to make a remark like that.

  10. LOVE this post. The hypocrisy in all of this is just stunning. But, you really hit the nail w-r-t the reasons behind it in “Places, Please!”–which is also an awesome post.

  11. Words cannot express how much I detest and despise Cokehead Roberts…and her sniveling husband, Steve. Their idiocy and mendacity never ceases to amaze.

  12. Hmm…Barack had a hard decision. Go to Hawaii to visit Grandma and sis or sweat like a sharecropper with the plaid panted golf bunch in Myrtle Beach. What’s an intelligent, non-mentally challenged person supposed to do?

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