Check Yer Wig!

I’m not implying that the lovely Lynn Whitfield is making sure her $12 special isn’t crooked. (Mostly because I think a good percentage of it is her hair.) Lynn is obviously auditioning for the remake of Klymaxx’sMeeting In the Lady’s Room” video. But “Check Yo’ Wig” seemed to be a better fit for this series of pictures from the only music festival I wish I could have attended (that wasn’t Coachella) — the Essence Music Festival, which happened over the Fourth of July holiday, ending July 6th. Here are a few highlights.

Chris Rock doing his funny for money; Musiq Soulchild looking a hot mess in an Obama, “Yes We Can” shirt — which I now fear is becoming the Che Guevara T-shirt/Malcolm X baseball cap of the 2000s; and Mary J. Blige.

Keyshia Cole. I like her voice a lot, but I’m sometimes a little concerned about her personality so I’ve been avoiding reading anything about her for the past two years.

Morris Day, performing with The Time. I love Morris and The Time and I own every Time album. Gigolos Get Lonely Too is the cut. And 777-9311? … So good I wish the Minneapolis Sound would stage a comeback. And don’t get me started on Ice Cream Castles, the greatest “make love, not racism” anthem ever created.

Mary J., Kanye and LL Cool J.

Chris Brown took nothing but bland, bland, bland photos for this event. This was especially odd considering he was all too willing to scar me mentally by faux humping Ci
ara
whilst she was dressed as a dominatrix during one of the million replays of the 2008 BET Awards.

Aren’t they both like 12? And are people letting their kids watch this because Mama and Papa Snob let me watch Motown 25 with them and I don’t recall Michael Jackson rubbing his crotch all over Diana Ross’ girl parts. And all the Grammy Awards shows featured nothing but Lionel Richie, Michael Jackson and Babyface for nearly two decades. Will Smith, of all people, was the hip hop militant trying to get a best rap song category on the Grammys. Yet, I never saw ‘Face simulate cunnilingus with Pebbles during an extended Luther Campbell remix of “Love Makes Things Happen.”

But I’m practically ancient, being 30 and all. Maybe dressing in black latex and turning the weight room into a orgy pit/sex torture chamber is what’s hot in the streets these days.

Fortunately, Chris Brown’s real life dominatrix, Rihanna, took more arresting, back-bending photos.

I can’t tell how good she is at it (that “it” being singing), but that woman knows how to sell it. It’s like she digested and shitted out Matthew and Tina Knowles’ bestseller, “Be Your Own Pimp (Or At Least Your Kid’s Pimp … But In A Good Way!).” Whether she’s dressed like Madonna and Angelina Jolie’s love child who just broke up with Janet Jackson (Madonna and Ang — why didn’t that ever happen? Or did it?) or if she’s just your friendly, flirty, fantasy girl from the island she knows how to work what she has.

I’m not so sure about Brown. He’s cute, I guess. But I tend to like my menfolk Prince/Evan Ross fey or TikiWhy do we still have our clothes onBarber. I don’t like the mushy, shiny, goody-goody middle. And no matter how hard he dry humped Ciara I never really bought into it. Gross as Robert Sylvester Kelly is, it was game on every time he fake humped a girl for show. Seeing Chris Brown do that was like my initial reaction when I heard Tevin Campbell’s version of “Shhh.: Yeah, he could sing, but Tevin Campbell as a sex object? Sweet Lord, no. Being a filthy prepubescent perv was Usher Raymond’s thing.

But my larger point is … Chris Brown seems bland. Rihanna’s attractive and throwing all kinds of elbows to make her place as an R&B “It” girl. I’d forgotten Ciara was still working with the radio being nothing but wall-to-wall Rihanna songs right now. And in this era of “Everybody Loves (Usher) Raymond,” Chris Brown does not compute. He looks like he should be starring in High School Musical 3. Now granted, Rihanna could be in High School Musical 3 too, but she also looks like someone who’d pose half-naked in King Magazine or put shots of her under-boobage on MySpace just to get out of her Disney contract.

In a world based purely on who people “think” Rihanna and Chris are versus their actual personalities, Rihanna would be dating either an NBA-All Star (i.e. Chris Paul or LeBron James) or some Hollywood It Boy (Shia LaBeouf? I don’t like him but he’s an “it.”) and Chris Brown would be with either Raven Simone or the lesser Duff sister, Haylie.

Of course, I think Raven could do better.

Tyler Perry: So I got an idea for you, Mayor. Picture this … ‘Madea Meets New Orleans.’ It would tell the story of a young woman, played by Anika Noni Rose who loses everything in Hurricane Katrina. She’s raising her kid, the father deserted them during the storm, plus her sister’s four kids because she’s in prison for holding a some crack cocaine for her ex-boyfriend. She has lost all hope until her aunt twice-removed Madea shows up to get her and the rest of the Ninth Ward motivated to rebuild New Orleans for Jesus. And while she rallies the corrupt federal system for more support she is swept off her feet by a handsome young civil rights attorney played by Tyrese Gibson Boris Kodjoe Keenan Thompson*. What do
you think?

Nagan: Turn the handsome attorney into the mayor of “Chocolate City” and I won’t charge you a lick of taxes to film here.

Perry: SOLD!

Solange Knowles and her son, “Baby” Daniel. Daniel appears to suffer from “cool baby” syndrome. Damn that Maddox Jolie-Pitt! One Mohawk and suddenly everyone’s toddler is Travis Barker.

Tavis Smiley and Prof. Cornell West

Bill Cosby and Rev. Al Sharpton

Bill Cosby and radio host Tom Joyner

MC Lyte. I’ve seen more of her the last ten days than I’ve seen of her the last ten years.

Michala Angela Davis, Lola Ogunnaike and DJ Beverly Bond

Keyshia Cole and her little dog

Broadway star Sheryl Lee Ralph and actor Boris Kodjoe

Adewale Ogunleye and Sanaa Lathan


* See comments!

18 thoughts on “Check Yer Wig!

  1. Looks like fun was had by all. Watched the BET awards and when I saw Chris do sex simulation I screamed ” My eyes. My eyes!” I mean WTH? He is doing sexy times with Ms. Rihanna; so I guess dude is feeling himself. But I know for sure that his fan base is under 18.Black people sure are beautiful tho.

  2. Snob, I think her name is Anika Noni Rose (not Noni Anika Rose). You know how celebrities are about getting their name right!

  3. nyc/caribbean ragazza: I apologize for not warning about Boris. He is delicious.sandra77: I have the same problem with Micheal Eric Dyson’s name. I always type Eric Michael Dyson. Thanks for the heads up, I fixed it.meanrose: I hated her blouse in that shot and I thought she looked bloated in it. She could be knocked up or she could be missing out on a few trips to the gym now-a-days. But since she’s black, we’re going to have to rely on Jet Magazine and the internet to figure out what’s going on because OK! Magazine and its ilk don’t care when black celebrities who aren’t Halle Berry get pregnant and they barely cared when Halle Berry got pregnant.

  4. Tyler Perry: So I got an idea for you, Mayor. Picture this … ‘Madea Meets New Orleans.’ It would tell the story of a young woman, played by Anika Noni Rose who loses everything in Hurricane Katrina. She’s raising her kid, the father deserted them during the storm, plus her sister’s four kids because she’s in prison for holding a some crack cocaine for her ex-boyfriend. She has lost all hope until her aunt twice-removed Madea shows up to get her and the rest of the Ninth Ward motivated to rebuild New Orleans for Jesus. And while she rallies the corrupt federal system for more support she is swept off her feet by a handsome young civil rights attorney played by Tyrese Gibson. What do you think?I WAS DEAD. I have one suggestion though, change Tyrese to Boris Kodjoe or a Boris Kodjoe look-a-like because only light skindid menz are saviors in Tyler Perry plays. Tyrese would have to be the abusive, drug-dealer boyfriend.I’m surprised he hasn’t jumped on a Katrina movie yet… He is, after-all, from New Orleans. But I forgot, all black people live in Atlanta.

  5. lisa: You’re right! I should have picked Boris. I haven’t sat through a Tyler Perry pic but I have heard that criticism! Strange. While the colorism can really get out of hand with women in Hollywood it’s kind of strange to see this Perry phenomenon occurring in the Post-Wesley Snipes era.

  6. Eh, the colorism in Tyler Perry movies? ….eh, wasn’t Idris Elba’s lead character in Daddy’s Little Girls pretty much a savior? A common, every-man who does right by his family, even after doing wrong.Eh …Lamann Rucker’s “good cop” in Why Did I Get Married? As well as Malik Yoba and Perry himself’s caring buppie husbands in that same film?There’s other examples that counter that poster’s claim and I’m not even a Perry fan.Needless to say that comment was somewhat out-of-nowhere and slightly unncessacary. Says more about that poster than anyone else, IMO. Anyway, Snob, that summary of Chris Brown is dead-on. Something about that dude just seemed so ….bland. That’s exactly the word. Same with Rihanna in my opinion. I mean, what’s there to her? Good ass promotion, payola,and an army of stylists/makeup techs/weave specialists, that’s what?! LOL. But I’m not hating …make the money while you can.Sanaa Lathan …one fine woman. Yeah, she’s knocked up …by me. LOL. (I wish …)You’re right tho about the white Hollywood press: no negroes, or non-whites in general …unless you’re name is Oprah Winfrey. (They barely care about Halle Berry.)

  7. To mynameismyname…All my comment says about me is that I repeat what I’ve heard.1. It’s obvious I’m not a Tyler Perry fan when I flubbed up and said plays and we’re talking about movies.2. You must be a Tyler Perry fan when you can name several other characters that counter my point.3. Even though Idris was a technical good guy in Daddy’s Little Girls he wasn’t treated with the sainthood of say, Shemar Moore’s character in Diary of a Mad Black Woman.4. As I’ve said, this is mainly criticism I’ve heard. My problems with Tyler Perry do not lie in colorism. The Madea character alone is reason enough to hate.

  8. mynameismyname and lisa: I changed it to Keenan Thompson. It’s much more “WTF” funny.And, seriously, I’ve never seen a Tyler Perry film, but I’m glad to know that I’ve absorbed just enough Perry criticism to write a decent fake Madea movie pitch to Ray Nagan.

  9. Lisaturtle (cool screename; Lark Voohries was a stunna in her day), Maybe I’m slow but … um …when or before you criticize, critique or draw an overall conclusion, it’s best to, I don’t know, actually witness or examine the subject/topic with your own eyes. Hence, why I watched a couple Perry films (the two I mentioned). How can I criticize if I never personally watched? How can I have a valid opinion?Something to consider.Also, as another counter, according to the good ol’ anonyomous yet often misinformed folks at Wikipedia.com, it seems like Derek Luke will be play the ‘savior’ role in an upcoming TP film. Is he “lite and brite”?Keenan Thompson …LOL. Good one. Maybe Kel Mitchell can play his assistant! “I love orange soda. I do I do I do” (Kel’s oft-repeated ‘catchpharse’ diring the Kenan & Kel days …don’t ask how I know. LOL)

  10. I like Rihanna. She took the reigns of her career and did something INTERESTING. Otherwise we’d be saying ‘Rihanna who’ at this point. She’s not a strong vocalist, but neither is….Janet Jackson….or Madonna. She’s an entertainer, she’s cute without being overly sexual and gosh darn it I like her spunkiness! She made herself into an “It Girl” by the sheer force of her will. It’s not like the white media is passing the torch to the Black women. She’s not part of an overly ambitious family or one male producer she’s ‘effin’ for tracks. I say brava to her because she took that opportunity she got and is making it work for her versus letting her record company screw her over. [I’m a musician and know a little bit about all of the behind the scenes screw-overs that happen as par for the course].

  11. I’m not arguing at all, Lisaturtle. No harm, no foul. Just learn how to develop stronger points that can’t be quickly invalidated. Kinda like a brick going through tiolet paper. 🙂

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