Oh, What Wow! He’s the Greatest Dancer
(Who Knows What Placage Is)
While exercising at the gym last night I caught the broadcast of MTV’s America’s Best Dance Crew and while watching it I thought of two things: “Oh my God! Dance porn!” and “I wonder if TJ Holmes can do a pop n’ lock routine?”
And then my eyes rolled into the back of my head and I grabbed the handles on my elliptical machine to keep from passing out.
Then I recognized a pattern in what I considered to be attractive:
A) TJ Holmes with Aaron McGruder’s brain and the ability to execute a flawless pop n’ lock routine
B) Johnny Depp with Aaron McGruder’s brain and the ability to execute a flawless pop n’ lock routine
C) Wentworth Miller with Aaron McGruder’s brain and the ability to execute a flawless pop n’ lock routine.
Or D) Tiger Woods … with Aaron McGruder’s brain and the ability to execute a flawless pop n’ lock routine.
What I’m saying is this — my dream man is Crazy Legs with a degree in African American history.
I also like journalists, reformed hooligans, fey actors and fist pumping, but verbally eloquent, gentleman jocks. But there is nothing sexier than a man who can tell me the significance of Plessey v. Ferguson while doing the robot to an extended remix of “Buffalo Stance.”
That is so hot on so many metaphysical levels that I can assure you, you cannot comprehend it.
First, let’s dissect why I (Heart) B-Boys. I outed myself as having a B-Boy fetish June 16 in a celebrity photo post.
I like the dance crew show (as it’s like my version of soft core porn), but it is very, very hard to find anything as thrilling as standing in a circle in an abandoned warehouse watching some guys do back flips off each other, nearly breaking their necks until the cops show up and shut it down.
It’s really hard to go back to just watching “Beat Street” or suffer through the bad acting of “You Got Served” after some guy has taken a flying leap over your head as part of an elaborate stunt that could knock you unconscious if it goes horribly, horribly wrong.
But when it goes right. Man, that guy is hot!
But um … I’ve totally never gone to an illegal dance battle in an abandoned warehouse.
From authentic breaker anthropologists like the Rock Steady Crew to pop n’ locking, cheesy boy bands, I am a connoisseur. It knows no bounds.
Por ejemplo, in the battle between the Backstreet Boys and N’Sync, I liked N’Sync because Justin Timberlake could beat box and N’Sync’s worst dancer, Joey Fatone, could massacre Backstreet’s worst dancer, that dude who looked like he was 40. Also, let’s be honest, they could have cut Joey, Chris Kirkpatrick and Lance Bass from the group and replaced them with Darrin Henson of Darrin’s Dance Grooves and Paula Abdul and they would have been just fine.
And their dance routines would have been off the hook.
People make fun of Paula now, but that bitch can dance her ass off. And she can tap dance, incredibly, and it is hard to find a women who can pull a Gregory Hines. And she’s a former Laker girl who used to choreograph for Janet Jackson. And yes, I was a fan of Paula Abdul in the 1990s as the first two cassette tapes I owned were “Forever Your Girl” and MC Hammer’s “Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em.”
And it was no accident that both were known to be better dancers than singers/rappers but still manged to create “U Can’t Touch This” and “Straight Up.”
I like dancers. And I come from one of earth’s most dance loving ethnicities. If you’ve got an ounce of the motherland in you, you like to move. But not all black people are gifted with this ability. While my moves wowed my wonderfully sweet, white Rhythmless Nation co-workers, I’m probably the Joey Fatone of my ethnic subgroup. I’m good enough to keep up, but I’m in the back of the class. I don’t have the athleticism or talent of my little sister who is a theater and dance major. She is four feet and eleven inches of pure kick ass.
This doesn’t stop me from loving dancers. How can you love music (and I really love music) and not love dancers? I love ballet, tap and jazz, breakers, ballroom and boot scootin’ boogie. I even like interpretive dance even though I don’t get it and there’s no beat involved.
But specifically, I brake for reckless breakers who defy gravity. I only mention pop n’ lock routines so much because I know I have a better chance of meeting a guy who can RoboCop over a guy who can actually execute the capoeira influenced moves of breakdancing. Don’t get me wrong. I will gladly take one if I can get one, but it is not a requirement that you be able to
spin on your head or perform a flawless Kid n’ Play kick step routine (fast forward to 2:17 into the video), including the whole “grabbing your foot and hopping your other foot through it” gambit.
You don’t have to do that. Just be able to Moonwalk into my heart and I’ll be happy.
Now as to why the black history grad? Well, isn’t that obvious? While I have fallen for a many B-Boys, from the sweet, happy-go-lucky Philosopher Kings to the “He’s no damn good, girl” bad boy players, B-Boys aren’t necessarily known for their keen insight on world affairs. They aren’t the most well read or the most politically astute people. I don’t know a Rhodes’ Scholar who can get on the floor and bust a windmill. I know of an MC Stephen Hawking, but renowned astrophysicist Stephen Hawking can’t dance.
Mostly because he’s hobbled and bound to a wheelchair from ALS, aka Lou Gehrig’s Disease.
But I’m highly attracted to intelligent people. I’m a nerd with an appetite for knowledge. I’m an artist. I’m a student of the world. I can’t imagine dating some gent who can’t hold a decent conversation about at least one or two of my top ten things to obsess over. Like politics or history or modern sci-fi films or all sorts of cinema or international affairs or journalism or music. A man who can conjugate verbs properly while discussing subjects he is passionate about is a gorgeous man.
All I want is a guy with a graduate degree who can do the wop. Is that so wrong? A news reporter who will dance with me at a party, not act all weird and sit down while I’m busting a move with the Rhythmless Nation. Dance with me, nerd boy! What is your damage?
Sigh. One of these things simply will not be like the other.