Everybody Likes to Shine Like Diamonds

It’s Cartier’s Love Charity Bracelet product launch. Or as I would call it, dressin’ up for jewelry which happened last Thursday.

That’s my kind of party. Someone drapes you in diamonds and you floss for a bit before sitting down for an extremely expensive chicken dinner. And that’s my girl, Rosario Dawson, in the spotlight, being Rosario. She’s always just the right mix of downtown and uptown. I have a total girl crush on her and the unbelievably scrawny Angelina Jolie as I like my womens crazy with a capital “C.” And they’re about neck n’ neck, mostly because they play a nice mix of sexpots and weirdos on screen. Or a weird sexpot. Like Dawson in “Sin City.”

Jolie’s the better actress, but Rosario sexier (mostly because she’s willing to be a size 4-6 over a size 0-2.)

Eat something, Angie. Sweet Jesus, eat!

Rosario and actress Bridget Moynahan

And here’s Kimora Lee rocking a very satin and silky black dress. I’m not feeling it for all sorts of reasons. Like how it’s unflattering and accentuates her paunch. And no woman wants to draw attention to that. Thankfully, my Florissant, Mo. homie brought the always delicious Djimon Hounsou with her.

Every thing’s better with Hounsou.

Wow. Someone went for intrigue with the eyebrows and got crazy tweezer/waxin’ happy on Ashanti. Draped in Cartier she looked a tad ordinary in that tight, stretchy white dress with lace work, making her look like she was holding her breath to keep everything in place.

And I hate the shoes. It’s probably just a flower, but it looks like black, fuzzy pompoms from here.

And then JD showed up looking horrible, per usual.

Hideous.

And where JD goeth, so doth Janet, Miss Jackson if your nasty. She’s once again wearing all black and she’s nixed a dress for a pair of the world’s largest pair of black pants. I totally hate her hair color because it does not work at all with her skin tone. There’s too much red in it and it’s too light. Other than that, she still looks girlishly adorable.

Nicole Richie. Still too thin, resembling a dormouse. Or a desert fox. Or a kangaroo rat. I can’t decide. Let’s all agree she looks like some kind of rodent. She’s wearing what basically looks like a backless yellow-aquamarine-gray pup tent. She makes it work even though it looks like someone wrapped her up in five yards of fabric from Wal-Mart.

Be afraid, very afraid of Fergie’s man hands. They’re far worse than Paris Hilton’s man hands. Much, much worse. So bad I was surprised she put ’em up for these photographs. I’ve mentioned before that I do not get Fergie. While the Black Eyed Peas’ will.i.am can put together some tight beats and hooks and Fergie can somewhat sing she is just unattractive to me. She looks like she’d smell like a pack of Menthol Lights and a tall boy.

And this dress is a terrible, no good, awful, very bad dress. And would someone please let her feet out of prison?

Run, Common! It’s a oh, wait. That’s just Fergie. My bad.

In this picture I try to focus on Eva Mendes, who I like and is very pretty. Her dress and purse are awful and don’t do her figure any justice, but standing next to Fergie makes everyone look like a million bucks in contrast.

I’m not a huge fan of Eve. But I am a fan of how she dresses (most of the time). She’s developed the reputation for being a hip hop fashionista, often setting the trend. It’s still a little weird to see those paw prints on her chest now that she’s a mainstream actress and artist. It’s like the everlasting symbol of her once hoodrat status. But she’s a long ways from the hood now. Why, if it weren’t for the paw prints she’d be downright classy.

13 thoughts on “Everybody Likes to Shine Like Diamonds

  1. I usually do like Michelle Obama’s outfits, but, sometimes, they don’t flatter her cleavage at all. Like the one in this photo. I don’t care for her designer’s dress either. It makes her her look bigger.Rosario actually looks good for a change. She must have gotten a stylist.Fergie and Eva look beyond terrible! But they can’t hold a candle to Nicole Richie! Lack of sleep? Anorexia? Stlist and hairdresser out of town? WhatEVer! And to put an enormous ill-fitting dress on top of it, beYOND awful.Ashanti can afford to look better. No need for a skin tight dress, inappropriate shoes, no nylonsKimora Lee Simmons is still doing some post-divorce self-analysis. It’s so obvious that she and Djimon Hounsou don’t go together at ALL. And that they are both at a “temporary liaison” phase of their lives.JD is still SO no big deal. And he and Janet look “au casuel”. She’s Janet Jackson. She doesn’t need to dress up. All she has to do is show up and the cameras start clicking.I’m not horrified by Janet’s hair because we know she’s made it look So Much Worse in the past.Eve must be worried that we’ll forget who/what she was, why we need to keep seeing her paw prints. Hopefully, she’ll get past this need so, that if we happen to see them, it won’t be because she went out of her way.As usual, Common looks great, albeit prophetlike.

  2. Alright Snob, my love for Rosario Dawson knows NO bounds. So we are gonna have to work out some kind of custody agreement for the foxiness that is Rosario.:)I just want to hand Fergie some oil blotting papers.Ashanti’s makeup is venturing into drag queen territory.I can’t hate on Kimora since her REAL accessory is Djimon. The woman could wear a burlap sack and I would give her a pass.

  3. Eva is a pretty average looking chick to me.I thought I was the only one who felt that way about Fergie…Common could get any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

  4. I can’t hate on Kimora since her REAL accessory is Djimon. The woman could wear a burlap sack and I would give her a pass.That’s the funniest ish I’ve read all day:-)

  5. Scratchin my head at everyone…wtf? As far as JD, it’s business as usual, and Eve looks nice, but everyone else looks exceptionally bad, especially Fergie. Just damn.I don’t mind Janet’s haircolor, tho.

  6. moody’s – I am not sure why someone would wear pantyhose in the summer in LA. Or anywhere for that matter in 2008. However I am totally with you; Ashanti could definitely afford to look better than that silliness.Snob – I loved the commentary on each pic. Eve and Rosario had the best dresses.

  7. moody: Michelle Obama has cleavage? 🙂all: I’m feeling everyone on the fact that most folks were not on their A-game at this event, although I thought Rosario looked the most presentable.But Fergie was by far the most hideous with Ashanti rounding up a distant second. I try not to beat up on people for not being physically attractive, but, seriously, Fergie looks like she went a few rounds with Tyson. She is the most unsexy person of all allegedly sexy people in the history of allegedly sexy people.And I originally wrote, “Run, Common! It’s Swamp Thing!” but decided that was too mean to have on the post … … But OK to put in the comments.

  8. Good afternoon Snob,Rosario …too fine for words. A nature for the camera.I agree about Fergie. Meth face and a funny shape, sexy?I love Janet like a play cousin but that wig/weave looks mad akward.Yeah, Eve, she’s maintained her Hollywood makeover for years now but that North Philly still slips through from time to time.

Leave a Reply

Back to top
%d bloggers like this: