Rihanna And the Attack of the Ugly Outfits In Canada and Other Hit or Miss Celebrities

I didn’t run my celebrity photo essay on Friday (I was helping a friend out that day. She’s pregnant and I offered to help out around the house.) So this is a make-up feature with some new material from over the weekend. Including an Essence gala feature Kanye West’s ex-fiancee Alexis Phifer, notables frightening me at Canada’s Much Music Awards and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson looking delicious but needing a shave.

Per usual, I encourage you to add your own observations to the hit parade.

ESSENCE MAGAZINE PONDERS “IF LOOKS COULD KILL”

Aspiring designer and ex of Kanye, Alexis Phifer kind of looks like MTV’s Real World Los Angeles alum Tami Roman in this picture. I don’t know how to feel about the dress, which is kind of cute on her, but also reminds me of toilet paper.

Keyshia Cole. She’s cute, but I’m not feeling the anything she has on.

I have no idea who this “Mashonda” person is, but she’s in nearly every picture at this event.

I’m going to assume Toyota is some kind of sponsor considering everyone is posing like this is Low Riders International.

RIHANNA AND THE MUCH MUSIC OUTFITS OF DOOM

It didn’t start out that bad …

Her hair was cute.

Then the “WTF?” alarm started blaring over the weird white harness looking faux suspenders.

And it only gets worse from here.

I’m just going to say it. She looks like she’s auditioning for an all-female version of the Village People, but I can’t tell if she’s a cop, soldier or a sailor in her pleather pants.

As for other WTF moments. Did you know New Kids On the Block are back?

I was never a big NKOTB fan (it’s all about New Edition), but I would be lying if I didn’t admit to liking a few songs (which all managed to get played on BET back in the day).

While the “bad boy” of the group, Donnie Wahlberg (the lesser Wahlberg because it’s ALL about Marky Mark and his Calvins) won me over as a cop on the aborted NBC drama “Boomtown,” my favorite New Kid is/was Jordan Knight because I bought his solo album seven years ago and it was a nice dose of pop. I especially loved his take on Prince’s “I Would Never Take the Place of Your Man” by slowing it down and making it a ballad.

That said, who wanted this? What sick bastard was demanding to hear “Hanging Tough” one more ‘gain? Was it the gays? Was it the 30 year old women who watched that crappy New Kids cartoon back in the early 90s? Who, dammit?

Just get on the floor and do the New Kids dance!

And now for some randomness …

Here’s the pop n’ lock, break dancing crew Jabbawockeez. I won’t make fun of them because I totally have a B-boy fetish that knows no bounds. Even if it’s cheesy. I see a guy do the robot and I fall in love. I honestly cannot tell you why. B-boys are just sexy to me. They can dance and they are always in excellent shape. I’ve never met a B-boy who was a complete asshole. They reduce me to giggles and blushing. In Bakersfield there was a breaker I knew who I called “Farm Boy” in my head because he always wore plaid shirts and had red hair. Alone he looked unassuming. But put down some cardboard and he suddenly came alive the most magnetic man in the world with that big smile and all the spinning.

But I’m going to stop writing about it now because if I go on for too long it starts to get embarrassing and all TMI — too much information. So I’ll leave you with this: I have a B-boy fetish. It is the only fetish I have. I don’t advertise that, lest I have every skeevy guy who studied a Darrin’s Dance Grooves video pushing up on me.

As if the Pussycat Dolls weren’t ridiculous enough, now we have Girlicious. They have a “I’m hotter than you” song called “Like Me.” It doesn’t suck. But then I like crappy dance pop. I own an Eden’s Crush album.

Seriously, it totally did not suck that hard. There were some good tracks on there.

But I have utter disdain for the Pussycat Dolls. Other than their overplayed “Don’t Cha” I’ve found them dull. But hey. If you have abs and you’re willing to be half nekkid all the time, I say go for it.

You could do worse.

THE ROCK FOUNDATION

And her is Dwayne Johnson, aka The Rock, gorgeous as ever, but in need of a shave at a premiere event of his new film “Get Smart,” where he stars with Anne Hathaway and Steve Carrell. (I love all three actors so I will be plunking down my $7.50.) This premiere was held in Las Vegas as a part of his charity The Rock Foundation. (The Rock loves the kids!) He received a Brenden Star inside of the Palms Casino Hotel.

13 thoughts on “Rihanna And the Attack of the Ugly Outfits In Canada and Other Hit or Miss Celebrities

  1. Snob,Alexis Phifer’s dress looks like it was a left-over from the Flintstones movie. LolI really used to like Keisha Cole. I think she has such a cute smile. But she went on tour with RKelly and that makes me not like her anymore.On Rihanna; I have a crush on her. I think she’s soooo cute! I love it that she really explores style, although sometimes she goes a bit too far. LolAnd when anybody mentions New Kids On The Block, I fall of my chair laughing. I don’t know why but I do. LolMonie

  2. You slay me with the NKOTB stuff. LOL. I love me some NKOTB…or, I should say “loved” and yes, I was feeling Jordan’s solo release, too. He did a nice job of Prince’s track; and only probably because Jimmy Jam/Terry Lewis or someone closely affiliated with them (ha ha) produced his record.Mashonda is Swizz Beatz ex-wife…or something like it. I think she had a ‘hit’ back in the day. Alexis’s dress…….hated it from the waist down LOL She looks her usual windblown, disheveled self (someone get her a brush!) LOLThe Rock…delicious!Rihanna’s PURSE-dress??? Errr, NO. LOL.

  3. Anon took my Alexis Phifer comment. Even to the bracelet — she’s Wilma Flinstone in perma-tan. Which is sad that thats the best design she could come up with (I hear Heidi Klum screaming “Your Auf!” in my head). And I have to say that Jordan Knights best song was the dirties teen pop song ever …. what was it called, give it to you? Something like that. I love song too, and I’m not ashamed. Same with my love for bad teen pop and boy bands. For example, I’m trying to NOT like the new Katy Perry song — but I do. I also downloaded the whole DAY26 album off iTunes cause they are …well a boyband. As far as your breaker fetish — you need to tune into the new season of Randy Jackson Presents America’s Best Dance Crew because a group [Supreme Soul] that battled Jabberwockeez before they won the first season of the show made it along with at least one other b-boy group [Super Cr3w; Phresh Select does some breaking too].

  4. monie and hollinsjdprincess: She’s Wilma. You’re RIGHT! I couldn’t figure out what was so familiar, yet hideous about that dress.And “Give It To You,” was essentially the man version of Christina Aguliera’s “Genie In A Bottle,” a proud member of the pantheon of dirty pop songs masquerading as teen pop ditties.And Jordan Knight looked hot in the video.I was unsuccessful in not liking Katy Perry. I ended up downloading both her singles and I especially like the kitschy novelty of “Ur So Gay.” Mostly because I TOTALLY dated that dude she’s singing about. I like the dance crew show (as it’s like my version of soft core porn), but it is very, very hard to find anything as thrilling as standing in a circle in an abandoned warehouse watching some guys do back flips off each other, nearly breaking their necks until the cops show up and shut it down.It’s really hard to go back to just watching “Beat Street” or suffer through the bad acting of “You Got Served” after some guy has taken a flying leap over your head as part of an elaborate stunt that could knock you unconscious if it goes horribly, horribly wrong.But when it goes right. Man, that guy is hot! But um … I’ve totally never gone to an illegal dance battle in an abandoned warehouse.Never.

  5. OMG.. Have you seen the New Kids new video??? There’s this terrible motorcycle-wave move Jordan Knight does that slays me everytime! I used to love him! I still have “Give It To You” and “I Could Never Take The Place Of Your Man” or tape! (Yes, I said tape!)As for the Jabbawockeez… I’m in love with at least 3 of them. Just saying.

  6. We soooo appreciate yawl poppin’ in up heah Canada, up yondah for the MuchMusic Awards.And, personally quite enjoyed catching Flowrider rehearse his ‘Apple Bottom Jeans’… Well, okay, so I REALLY, REALLY enjoyed catching him do this!Now, back to TV coverage:Okay, I’ll say it: Please gawd, don’t let Rihanna make the Worst Dressed List this year. I know she looked ridiculous. But still gorgeous of course =). Damn, you know that girl can rock a paper bag, if she wanted. And, who knew she was/is sooooo tallllll…Akon: what a voice, eh? Yes, I say ‘eh’.The last song that NuKids played was their new single and it was The Best Song of their repertoire that evening. Who wants to hear that other ol’ stuff anyhoo? Sorry, but not me. Reminds me of my rather, um, imperfect youth. And who knew that the group could still be appealing without Marky Babyyy?Girlicious? Who da what?

  7. Gillian: Yeah, I don’t know what’s up with that coming up anonymous. The minute you gave the Canada shout-out I knew it was you. That’s most strange.And you can tell how much I like Akon and Flo Rida considering I didn’t stick them in the Hit Parade. Plus, they didn’t take interesting pictures. At least Rihanna rocked the Veeps look with a cop hat.

  8. Hahahha, dress looks like toilet paper LOL! Wow, Keisha Cole looks SOOOO much better with black hair. Enough with the blonde hair black women! I liked her dress. The Rhianna harness is weird. You’re right, neither outfit she wore was great. I loved Boomtown and I was so pissed when they cancelled it. Donnie Walberg can act. I would rather see him acting than singing. The Rock in a suit just kills me! He looks so good and yes he is better with a shave. His body is so unbelievable.

  9. $7.50? lucky womanmovies here cost $10.00 …some have even gone up to $11Enjoy the cheapness while you can

  10. Have you seen the video for Ur so Gay? Hilarious. Its on youtube :)And of course you’ve never been to an illegal dance battle…ever. And since you haven’t — Americas Best Dance Crew will have to do for your b-boy fix …until that warehouse reopens…

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