Parade of Suedo Stars!

For all us poor people, it was just “May.” For the rich and famous, last week was the Cannes Film Festival where everyone goes to France to be camera-whores.

It’s hard work, but someone has to put on a $8,000 mini dress and go do it.

As always, Supermodel and Cellphone-Fu black belt champion Naomi Campbell was on hand at Dolce & Gabbana’s Cannes party.

She was wearing Roman-esque silver gladiator sandals, a sparkly mini-dress and black feathers for a coat of some kind, but she’s Naomi. She could put on a black Hefty garbage bag and make it work.

While a lot of people at this party looked especially garish (Lindsay Lohan and her disappearing emerald skirt and Rose McGowan’s scraggly red hair to be specific), others looked less so. Like Sean “Dolphin Teeth” Combs and Kerry Washington who only looked a little silly in his white tuxedo suit and her hairy gold sweater of a dress.

Nice “finger jewelry.”

Is it just me or shouldn’t Kerry’s legs be shinier? Her face area has a nice, healthy glow and she’s wearing gold so shouldn’t her legs be all cocoa butter oiled up? Because at these sorts of events with all the cameras flashing not enough sheen can make a Negro look ashy. And that’s what I’m really saying. I realize she’s no “Ashy Larry” but the matte finish look does not work for a black person’s “evening legs,” especially when the skirt is this short and the gold is blending in with her natural skin tone.

I’m not saying she has to bathe in a bucket of Crisco or make love to some fried chicken from Church’s, World’s Greasiest Retail Chicken Chain, but … it couldn’t hurt.

But enough of that. It’s been five minutes. Are Nick and Mariah still together?

Oh, thank God! I was worried. No pictures of them had shown up in my inbox for nearly three whole days. Sure, I’d seen that one picture of a solo Nick at a party Diddy threw last week, but nothing substantial since the Six Flags Cupcakes of Love soirée they gave me May 16th. Thank heavens some paparazzi were there in Japan to greet them at the airport where a shy and resigned Mariah Carey fought tears as she reluctantly posed for pictures.

“Is this what you wanted! Is this what you came to see, you whores!” she shouted as she whipped out her left hand, displaying her wedding ring. “Why won’t you people LEAVE US ALONE? Why, Nick? Why???

I know it was hard, Mimi. I really do.

This is what it sounds like when doves cry.

And black tights with black sandals? Really? Is that what’s hot in the streets now? I can’t hate because she’s sort of making it work, but … black tights and sandals? It makes her look like she should have on a leotard, hopping a time machine to the 1980s so she can go “Jazzercise” in hot pink leg warmers, a matching scrunchie and a crimp ponytail.

11 thoughts on “Parade of Suedo Stars!

  1. That thing ain’t over yet? I thought Cannes was finished like last week. Guess I’m too broke to actually know, lol. P.S. I know I should be “happy” for Mariah but her attention whoring makes it impossible!

  2. Im still confused about Nick and Mariah i really am. But i guess a woman who says that she will forever be 12 yrs old would obviously fall in love with the guy from Drumline meh. Love that you had a lil Prince in the post with the Doves Cry part.

  3. Crazy as she is, Naomi is SUCH A MODEL. She can rock a dress like nobody’s business.Mariah….she’s delusional.Hope the pre-nup is iron-clad.

  4. Because at these sorts of events with all the cameras flashing not enough sheen can make a Negro look ashy. Girl you have a way of cracking me up!

  5. dee la: A little Prince will take you a long way.renee: Seriously. She looked ashy, but as image conscious as celebrities are I hope that was just a bad effect of the lighting, not that Kerry actually showed up at a party in Cannes with “Ashy Larry” legs.rikyrah: Naomi’s skills as a supermodel are what I cling to when she’s attacking cops or beating the help with phones. But her Phone-Fu should not be confused with Russell Crowe’s Phone Aikido. Crowe is “Steve Segal” to Naomi’s “Jet Li.”

  6. Kerry Washington usually is so totally on point. The vibe I get from Washington…..she’s going to wind up a Trophy Wife, and I don’t mean that in a negative, airhead kind of way. She’s going to be the complimenting partner in a Power Coupling. I dunno why I feel this way about her, but I do.

  7. LOL! Dove’s crying, I love it! Nick is dressed like a high school kid and Mariah like a hot parent. Every time I see them together it looks and feels weird. I think they will be fine until Mariah’s bi-polar disorder starts flaring up again.

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