Profiles In Sexy: Jude Law Versus Jessica Alba

Great Wall of Sexy members Jessica “The Anatomy of Sexy” Alba and Jude “Sexy Ho” Law do battle over who truly is mas sexy.

He’s a whore. She refuses to get naked for pay. They’re both sexy and awesome (even though one can’t act her way out of a restroom stall). But who wins in this duel de sexy?

First Jude Law

Pros:

@ He’s British and The Snob loves men with British accents. I’m also partial to French, Spanish, American Southern drawl, Caribbean patois and whatever accent Wall of Sexy member Tawny Cypress butchered through FOX’s canceled “K-Ville.”

@ He’s a cad. You can only be a cad if you’re British. It sounds nicer than, say, “asshole” or “jerk who slept with our kids’ nanny.”

@ He can act.

@ He can act sexy.

@ He was murdered by Matt Damon in “The Talented Mr. Ripley,” where Jude was, by far, the best and sexiest thing. And I like Matt Damon. Matt Damon is hot. But when Ripley kills Dicky the movie goes from a very sexy, somewhat homoerotic jaunt through Europe to dead white people everywhere and Damon’s Ripley climbing back into the celluloid closet.

Cons:

@ He’s like a British Samuel L. Jackson. As in, there’s no check he won’t turn down no matter how abysmal the script. Granted, Jackson takes so many roles because he remembers his po’, broke addict days when work was non-existent. Law is double-booking because he owes all kinds of child support and alimony. Keep it in the pants, Jude!

@ For every “Gattaca” there’s “Alfie”or that Stanley Kubrick partial-birth abortion, stem cell harvested nightmare of “AI: Artificial Intelligence.” That wasn’t really Law’s fault, but he didn’t help any.

@ He cheated on his wife for Sienna Miller, who is a crappy actress, only to down grade further and do the help. What’s next? Homeless people? Ann Coulter? Standards, Law! Have some standards!

And now for Alba. What’s so great about her?

Pros:

@ She’s got a body that won’t quit and the fresh face of an angel.

@ She’s resisted fan boy pressure to show off her goodies. But, after that …

Cons:

@ She’s a terrible, terrible, terrible actress. This doesn’t mean she’s a lost cause by any means. She’s always one role from redemption, but her resume reads like a trainwreck sandwiched between two super hero flicks just one step above the Daredevil spin-off “Elektra.”

The Eye? Bill? Good Luck Chuck? The Ten? Into the Blue? Honey!

Would it kill this woman to do something she can handle like playing Vin Diesel’s/The Rock’s/Keanu Reeves’/Will Smith’s girlfriend while shit blows up all around? I’m not saying she should lower her standards, but … she should lower her standards. She’s no Rachel McAdams or Sanaa Lathan. She’s not even “Ugly Betty’s” Ana Ortiz. The ONLY good movie Alba’s done in the last decade was “Sin City” and that movie wasn’t good because of her. It was good because everyone in it who was not her, plus the man behind the camera, plus the man who illustrated the original graphic novel it was based on were brilliant. This was the ultimate open book test of films. All she had to do was NOT SUCK. She didn’t have to emote. She didn’t have think. She only had to do was what Hollywood likes to pay her to do — look really, really hot.

Of course, to the chagrin of fanboys she still kept her clothes on, but I actually give her props for keeping her top on. The pressure has to be SO enormous to just get naked for get the attention and box office gross. Many actresses have done the Full Femme Monty only to end up in the dust bins of film history. (Elizabeth Berkley … at least your film is a camp icon. That sort of makes up for having no career, right? Right?)

You go, Alba. At least you CAN keep it in the pants … And shirt. Which is more than I can say for Gigolo Joe over there.

That said. Who wins?

I lean pretty hetero so my urging places want me to go with Law. But I’m prone to girl crushes and Alba is so cute even though she is a horrendous actress. But, c’mon, is this really a contest? Part of being sexy is about being sexy in ways that don’t involve your “goodies.” Law is a hot, fey mess and Alba has a cute butt, but you have to have some there there. And Alba, honey, you played the Invisible Woman not once, but twice.

Enuf said.

Give me my screwed up, nanny fucking, broke-ass Brit Jude Law!

Crave more sexy? Please. Take a hike up the wall and gander at all the pretty people.

22 thoughts on “Profiles In Sexy: Jude Law Versus Jessica Alba

  1. Jude is interesting. Jessica is not. It should be a crime to have money and access to be that boring and flat. It’s like: “What does she do with her spare time?” Madonna invested her whole career to better herself by reading and taking on new ideas and new cultures. She even made money off of her tapping into her interests. But Jessica…she what? shops? take more publicity shots? I mean…does she read or do anything?I have to tell you…it drives me crazy to witness reporters try to quote or piecemeal interesting points about her. She is a bore and after these years she has bad working and getting magazine covers better actresses could not, she has had the time to make her self interesting. She is seemingly tone-deaf to not understand her significance is truly dull. Going further: I don’t like her desire to deny her ethnicity…not wanting to be considered Hispanic. We deal with that shit from our own people so I feel for Hispanics that watch her do it. Hell, it totally equal shame.And then she is dating a man who is mixed but won’t and don’t identify as Black. At first I had no idea he was Black until one day I was Googling to find out what Micheal Warren was up to. That is when I found out that Cash Warren was his son. Instantly I started to despise the Father and the Son. It’s more of the Tiger and Earl Woods Syndrome…wanting to push “colorblindness concepts on your children” so that they will not bring home a dark girl or dark friends. People don’t realize that so many parents intermix in class striving. Socially with the natives is like socializing with the help. They use the excuse that they are better citizens for opening their kids up to ALL TYPES of people while never taking them to the Hood or The Black South or typified modern Black socialized associations. So the kid(s) grow up feeling uncomfortable around their own but they don’t know how to say it because it is embarrassing to them. They don’t know their Black family and they only feel comfortable in their EXPERIMENTAL COLORBIND LIVES as pioneers of multi-culturalism when the only thing devoid is: Black Culture is absent from the blend. The only contribution of Black was the sperm that created the kid(s) that got the parents in there as supposed heroes of colorblindness.I have watched family members get giddy when White People befriended them or White superiors paid them attention. It’s really potent to some Blacks to “get in” and they will lie about their motivations and wants because the truth provides evidence of alterior betrayal rooted and conscious awareness of it.Jessica and her man are hideous members of the Black and Hispanic culture that want to be both considered White. This shit is ridiculous and public health does not attack the mental health issues of motivations of people in this country. These people want to use the essence and known attributes of being EXOTIC for marketing themselves but they don’t want to be considered any race member. It’s the whole concept of colorblindness: not seeing, recognizing, addressing, or identifying the minority race to consider everyone one race as the prevailing one, White in concept — void of ethnicity.

  2. rikyrah – Her child’s father is Michael Warren from Hill Street Blues and A Different world.I’d give it to Jude on this one barely. I don’t really like either one of them, but he is more interesting.

  3. rikyrah: I was aware that Cash Warren was, in fact, an Incognegro. I could tell from the moment I saw him last year at the Golden State Warriors’ play-off game. I was all, “I CAN SEE THE SECRET NEGRO IN YOU!!!”andrea: Yeah. Alba is dullsville. And I don’t get the non-Latina thing. She was in Latina Magazine dancing around the issue. IT WAS LATINA MAGAZINE! I read it and was like WTF. That would be like Halle Berry giving and interview to Essence and just twirling around her deadbeat daddy. Or pre-hood Mariah Carey back when Tommy Mottola had the lock down on her and they tried to pass her off as racially ambiguous. When they broke up she let the New York come flying out with the quickness and started doing songs with Puffy and acting as “Street Diva” as possible (while also loving unicorns and rainbows, go figure).I’m usually more irritated in the fact that Tiger Woods doesn’t really talk about his Asian side, AT ALL. It’s like his half Thai/half Chinese mother is it. He can’t be seen with another Asian person. He obviously has (famous) black friends. He doesn’t deny that his dad was a “black man.” He wants to be “above race” but would it kill him to care about Asian people? It’s mondo BIZARRE!But this is pretty typical for black Asians who often feel rejected by other Asians.danielle: Jude’s not for everyone (I kind of like my white male actors and singers to look like foppish throwbacks to the 1920s), but he is definitely more interesting that Alba. She should be resigned to hot girlfriend in peril duty for the rest of her life. Nothing but, “Tom Cruise, Matt Damon, Bruce Willis, Ewan McGreggor, Eric Bana, Antonio Banderas, Johnny Depp, Jamie Foxx … come save me!”

  4. even though he’s balding, jude is still sexier then alba will vere be…and yes, he’s still a cad… i never got the appeal of jessica alba, and can not for the life of me, understand why she continues to get movie roles…

  5. I choose Jessica for sure! I’m just not into Jude Law at all. Danielle,Isn’t Mike Warren about 90 years old? How in the heck did they get togeather?Monie

  6. I for one would watch Jessica Alba read the phone book! and I know I’m not alone! I think there’s some jealousy involved! 🙂

  7. I vote for Jessica, too. Jude Law seems like a jerk to me and, therefore, isn’t sexy. Acting skill really doesn’t figure in whom I think is sexy. I am a huge Keanu fan, and, well, we know how great of an actor he is.

  8. When “Dark Angel” came out, I was all in love (OK, lots and lots of heaping gobs of lust) for Alba. She was dark, exotic, mysterious and I was all like “she’s hispanic? But look at that melanin content!” And I thus continued to lust.Now? She is the prettiest girl I love to hate. I mean, LOOATHE. DESPISE. Gawd I can’t stand this creature! Why? Because she ran from her ethnicity faster than Paula Abdul ran from blackness in the early ’90s (and for you under-30 folks, she ran like HELL). Jessica’s played the blonde brother to generic-white-guy in Fantastic Sux. In “The Eye” her sister was played by PARKER POSEY. With no explanation. Jessica. You’re not white. Get over it. Or ask yourself why you’d need to get over that fact.[end rant]

  9. I will pay money to see Jude Law in a film; I will never pay money to see Jessica Alba in a film.Recently saw Fantastic Four II on cable. I wish I could suck so bad at something and get paid so much money!

  10. Wait, Paula Abdul is black?I’d pick Jessica she may not be the best actress but she does help give to a lot of organizations. Plus she’s beautiful. I’d rather be forced to watch Honey ten times in a row then see that movie Alfie again.That movie was brutal. Almost just as bad as Glitter.

  11. I’m liking the discussion here. Perhaps I should just do “Battle of the Sexy” more often to mix it up with my “Profiles in Sexy.”And for the record (although I went on the record in the post), I find Jessica Alba incredibly hot. I just don’t like it when she tries to “transcend her acting means.”But if she was Vin Diesel’s girlfriend in some “shit blow’d up good” movie, I would watch it.Of course, she’d have to fight Michelle Rodriguez for that part, and that girl has been to jail. She straight up CHOSE JAIL over public service. And she’s an alcoholic.I don’t think Jessica wants to go toe-to-toe with Texas’ most notorious, drunken, bisexual pugilist. But if I could sell tickets to that show I’m sure someone would buy.As for Law. Alfie was bad. But Good Luck Chuck was worse. How can I focus on the sexy when there’s so much bad acting around!That said. They’re both hot, separately. It’s like comparing Halle Berry to Grace Jones. Both are awesome, but one of these things is not like the others.

  12. 1990: For the record, I think Paula Abdul’s dad was Brazilian Jew by the way of Syria. I’m not quite sure how black he looked, seeing as Syrians do not look like black people. But I think the Brazilian thing threw some black people off.If anything, she was dissing Syrians by not owning up to her Arabic background.

  13. Re: Paula Abdul. Some Jews and Arabs clearly look like they have sub-Saharan African ancestry, and I think that Abdul is one of them. I base this on the texture of her hair in its natural state–coarse and curly.

  14. And just to show you that I can’t leave well enough alone, I will clarify – my hatred for all things Abdul has more to do with her running from even being MISTAKEN for Black. She made sure the world knew she wasn’t. And when she blew up, the beyotch forgot that her first two singles were R&B hits before white folks knew she existed. What does she do? Re-releases them! With flashier videos with fewer black people in them! Aargh..me hate Paula. And anything by Alba that’s post-Honey (as in, anything that she did after takign that role. INCLUDING that role. Honey sucked. Whorishly.)

  15. @ He was murdered by Matt Damon in “The Talented Mr. Ripley,” where Jude was, by far, the best and sexiest thing. And I like Matt Damon. Matt Damon is hot. But when Ripley kills Dicky the movie goes from a very sexy, somewhat homoerotic jaunt through Europe to dead white people everywhere and Damon’s Ripley climbing back into the celluloid closet.I love it! LOL. I’m indifferent to Jessica Alba, but I love (ever since friggin’ Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, Jude Law…now, not as much as Ewan McGregor, but I still do. Did you know they were roommates back in the day? Jude, Ewan, Jonny Lee Miller (Eli Stone)??? LOL *total randomness, I know*

  16. madame z: Law just burns with the sexy in “Ripley.” I’m always like DAMN, THAT BOY IS SMOOTH. Who wouldn’t want him? That whole cast wanted to fuck him. It was insane.Alba’s cute. But she can’t make it burn. Lisa Bonet can make it burn. Johnny Depp can make it burn. Leo DiCaprio can make it burn. Denzel can make it burn. Gabrielle Union, if she put down that drink and concentrated really really hard, could burn. Lonette McKee can burn. Angela Bassett can burn. Sanaa Lathan can start a fire.Burning is different from being just good looking. Burning means you burned my loins with passion through your attitude and style. Like Robert Downy Jr. in “Iron Man.”I’m all like Usher! Let it BURN, baby! BURN!!!!!

  17. Jude Law has no sense of humor. Two years after Chris Rock made fun of him at the Oscars that pissy little Englishman was STILL complaining. And he’s going bald in a very unsexy way.Jessica Alba is pretty but she can’t act and has a seriously stank attitude. She also puts her foot in her mouth anytime she talks about race.

  18. I know I’m commenting late, but I just ran across this, so here I am…Anyway, Jude is absolutely the sexiest! Of course, I’m female and that’s the way I roll. He’s not only unbelievable handsome (I’ve read on many occasions from people who have spotted him that pictures don’t even do him justice, even with exposed receding hairline, which he has had for many years but covered it with artfully messy hairstyles) *takes a breath* He is also an excellent actor that has turned down roles that I would have loved to have seen him in (i.e., Prince Charming in Ever After…but he doesn’t want to do Prince Charming roles, he likes darker ones). He almost turned down Ripley because he didn’t really like the character. He almost turned down Cold Mountain because he was focused on doing a play at the time, until Nicole urged Anthony to convince him to do it. I love him on screen.As for his personal business, he did NOT leave Sadie for Skanky, er, Sienna Miller, although this is a popular misconception. He and Sadie were already in the process of divorcing, and Sadie had already moved her new boy-toy in when Jude met Sienna on the set of Alfie. According to Shyer, Sienna pursued him fervently, and up and left her live-in boyfriend to move in with Jude (live-in boyfriend never saw it coming…), and given her behavior, I can almost see why Jude felt comfortable with Daisy. Anyway, I don’t care about that. I think that relationship was doomed before this even happened.Anyway, by all accounts, Jude is a very warm, receptive, open, attentive person who anyone who comes in contact finds is quite charming and very unassuming about himself. He is also an attentive, devoted dad who gets along with his ex-wife Sadie and they even do holidays and vacations together with the kids. He’s a classy man who is respectful and intelligent. So…along with the pretty face comes the other stuff, and THAT’S what makes him sexy to me, because pretty is a dime a dozen in Hollywood. Oh, and where is Jude still whining about the Chris Rock thing two years later? I haven’t seen it. I think he’s over it. And anyway, where is Chris’ hero now? ‘Nuff said.Sorry for my longwindedness. Just saw your blog and had to get that off my chest. : )

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