Despite my best efforts to hate her because, um, everything she says is wrong. I love Amy Holmes.
Long, long ago on this blog I mentioned my desire to capture Amy Holmes, brainwash her and recruit her back to the black hand side. I don’t mind that she’s a conservative. That’s fine. Keep the conservatism. But I also know that she’s a registered independent who’s pro-abortion. She also went to Princeton. She was also born in Zambia. And she has a thing for Jews. (That’s cool too. I mean, I’d do Jon Stewart. Not Bill Maher though. He’s fuggly and I don’t touch things that have touched Karrine Steffans.) But I really, really like her. I know, a lot of you hate her. But I really, really do. I don’t know why. I just do. So, Amy, if you read this blog, here is my recruitment letter to you.
Dear Amy Holmes,
Hey girl. Can I call you “girl”? Is that cool? Because I don’t know your level of “blackness.” Girl might be wrong. So I’ll call you Amy.
Amy, I know a lot of black libs and progressives are really, really hard on you because sometimes you can come off as a hateful bitch. I know. Sounds harsh. But it’s true. Yet somehow, I don’t believe your bitchatude. You just can’t convince me you’re evil. How can evil come in such an adorable package?
But that’s not what this letter is about. I want to recruit you to be a true independent. For reals. Because, let’s face it, you’re not William Bennett. You’re not Bill O’Reilly. You’re not Rush Limbaugh. You’re not Ann Fucking Coulter. You’re not even Mary Matalin (although you come close!) You don’t care about raising the capital gains tax or eliminating the estate tax. Let’s be real, Amy. Really real. You’re just doing this for the money.
I know you don’t want to admit it. But let’s face it. Independent, liberal-leaning blacks are a dime a dozen. There are like, a billion of those jocking to be on TV. And maybe you didn’t feel like duking it out with Donna Brazille because that would be like bring a knife to a gunfight. But say you’re a “Republican strategist” and suddenly your cute-as-a-button, afro princess face is everywhere. You’re in demand. “Get that cute black conservative girl!” the networks shout, “Her bitchatude is awesome!”
And it is. You’ve got bitchatude for miles. But I think you’re at a junction here where you can gracefully move closer to the center and become the poster girl for independent black women.
1) You hate Hillary Clinton. I’ve noticed that you’ve noticed that the tide has turned on black folks’ love affair with the Clintons. You can TOTALLY bond with Negroes over that. My God. That alone would endear you to millions.
2) You were born in Zambia. We like women from the motherland! Sure your dad split when you were a kid. But that just makes you a cute-as-a-button, conservative/independent version of Barack Obama. With a little elbow grease and that sparkling smile you could win over the hearts and minds of Negroes. We don’t care if you’re biracial. This is America. All black folks are lumped together whether they want to be lumped or not.
3) You went to Princeton. We need Ivy league Negroes! You could inspire some young sisters to go to college. Do you realize how many sisters would look up to you if you crossed over and talked about hard work, personal responsibility and hair products. And, by the way, what hair products do you use because I too have natural hair and yours looks stunning, I must say. Absolutely stunning.
CNN election-night stalwarts Amy Holmes and Jamal Simmons. Holmes said they coulda been the next Matalin & Carville, except “I love Jews!” (Does this mean Wolf Blitzer should be careful when approaching the pundit table? Nope — Holmes is happily dating a nice Jewish boy in Los Angeles. You’re safe for now, Blitzer.) Photo from Huffington Post
4) You don’t have to start loving all that Liberal stuff. We know you don’t like all of it. That’s cool. Most black people don’t like all of it either. You can TOTALLY disagree with Liberal stuff and still be cool with black people. I don’t care if you have some issues with “big government” and our education system. People NEED to talk about this shit any way. And you could talk about it from a place of love (like Bill Cosby) rather than from a place of whorish superiority (like Ward Connerly.) I know you can bridge that gap!
5) We can be BFFs! Seriously! I would be your friend. I’m being honest here. You seem like a nice person (when you’re not being a bitch on TV.) Even if we always didn’t agree on stuff, we could still kick it. I can get along with almost anyone and I think we have a lot in common. Really! I do. You look like a pretty big snob. We both have nice hair. We both have tons of white friends. We both think Jews are kind of hot. (Although I prefer the blacks, the Asians and the Incongnegroes. Woo. Someday Wentworth. Someday. And you tend to like your Jews kinda old. I don’t do that, but whatever. The heart wants what the heart wants.)
Also we can both talk right over people who we disagree with. I mean, just run their asses over like Steven King’s “Christine.” Fuck their POV! It’s about MINE, bitches! You survived being on “The View” a few times. I’ve survived watching “The View” a few times. Your pro-choice. I’m pro-choice. You’re a cute not-black-black-girl. I’m a cute 100 percent (but pale) black girl. You sometimes get shit wrong. You’re only human. I get
shit wrong too! We’re both human! Yay!
6) You can totally not like Barack Obama and still get in there (even though I think you secretly like Barack Obama). Cornell West has issues with Barack and he’s black as hell. A lot of black folks have their issues with Barack. They thought he gave Rev. Wright the shiv. They think he doesn’t offers enough specifics. Some folks don’t trust him because he’s not the descendants of slaves. (Don’t worry, Amy. You’re half Zambian, but we can smooth that right over.) They think he doesn’t address enough black issues. They think he’s kowtowing to white people and apologizing too much for the “failings” of us darkies. And some are still Clintonistas (go figure). So really. You can criticize Obama and not all black people will want to beat the shit out of you. Some will. But not all.
7) We need more black Independents. God knows we need some different POVs in black America. We are not a monolith but the gatekeepers want to keep us as a monolith. We’ve got an ocean of mouthy black people who think alike and think they run shit who are populating the airwaves. I, personally, am sick of about half of them (Tavis). We’ve been experimenting with some things for about 30 years now (affirmative action, integration, welfare, etc.) that could use a fresh look. As long as you don’t come off like a crazed opportunist, once again, like Ward Connerly, you’re in like Flinn!
So, come on, Amy! Join The Snob Generation where black people can be smart, independent, educated, good looking, cultured, well-read, uppity and dignified. Be a SNOB, Amy. I know you’re probably a snob in the conventional sense. But be a BLACK SNOB. Take it up a notch.
If you don’t want to know The Snob Generation, that’s cool. I’ll still be your friend. We can still disagree when you go off on some hateful rant. I can ignore the fact you go on FOX News. I can just focus on what we have in common. The whole “educated, tons of white friends” thing. The afro thing.
But just think about it! You’ll still get to be on TV! Michelle Bernard of the Independent Womens’ Forum LIVES on Hardball with Chris Matthews. She plays both sides of the field without being a complete bitch. You can do it, Amy! You don’t have to carry that Republican water any more! Set yourself free!
And be a Snob.
Danielle B. a.ka. “The Snob”
PS. Part of my desire for Amy to make that move to the center is that I’m a stan for every curly haired bandit on television. Seriously. Have natural hair on TV and I will love you no matter what foolishness comes out of your mouth. God knows, I love the shit out of Alison Stewart. Even when she was MTV News. She rocks.