Oprah v. Tom Cruise 2: No Couches Were Harmed

This is going to be some May sweeps for Oprah Winfrey. First Barbara Walters babbles on about being down with the swirl and now Tom Cruise attempts to have a rational, sane interview the Big O.

Both interviews are to air this month, but the Cruise get because the restraining order Oprah’s couch cushions took out three years ago is still in effect.

Because of this round two had to take place far from Harpo Studios at Cruise’s home in Colorado.

The Associated Press reports that Tom did his best to appear not crazy, highlighting all the non-batshit insane things he did with Oprah including showing her Suri’s room and explaining all the weirdness circulating about him — from getting pissy with Matt Lauer to railing against psychiatry to babbling about the wonders of Scientology to being a douche to freaking out his fans, moviegoers and the like.

Much of the rest of the interview involved Cruise shooting down various rumors and reports.

He said ex-wife Nicole Kidman still has a relationship with the two children they adopted during their marriage and stressed that the two share custody. He said he loves Holmes’ family, calling them “amazing people.”

Asked about skeptics who believe that his relationship with Holmes is a public relations stunt, Cruise said, “That’s laughable to me. I don’t know what to say.”

Oprah faced her own trauma by taking on her Cruise PTSD. I know it was hard. Oprah loves celebrities, from Barack Obama to Julia Roberts. She’d never had one go feral on her, violently attack her couch cushions and start extolling his love for Joey Potter. It was all so troubling all she could do was spend lots of money on shit she didn’t need then start giving away cars until she finally felt better.

I’m proud of you, Oprah. If you can face down your demons, I can watch a Tyler Perry film …

Possibly …

In the not immediate future.

4 thoughts on “Oprah v. Tom Cruise 2: No Couches Were Harmed

  1. I never got why people thought he was crazy for jumping on the group. I want some man acting the fool over me. Now all that kissing was what was disgustingly fake and staged. But if he was taking to announcing he was in love with me, I would love to see him roll on the floor and run in the audience like Martin did.I used to love Martin was crazy ’bout Gina to the point of looking stupid. Heathcliff was so crazy ’bout Claire. I just dig being crazy in love. I love seeing it in the Obamas and I can’t them as political people but their love is just what the world needs.Even when Star was professing her love for Al, I held back my CONCERNS because I wanted her to feel like she was being loved and for them doing it. I had hope no matter the obvious staring in our faces.It’s all about being crazy in love…and with your children too.

  2. I’m proud of you, Oprah. If you can face down your demons, I can watch a Tyler Perry film …Is it the same though? LOL.

  3. madame z: I’d like to think that if Perry made a film with Allen Payne in it I’d break down and pay the $8, but Allen is on a Perry production that comes on at my house for free and I STILL won’t watch!I just can’t even look at “House of Payne.” Even though they never seem to show Allen in the promos. Maybe he doesn’t act buffoonish enough in them. Allen always seemed to have SOME degree of pride. Even in CB4 he was the masculine, take-no-shit character. And that was a off-the-wall comedy. Even the sex scene was about how awesome Allen Payne was and about how goofy Chris Rock was.Damn. I love Allen! (But no enough to watch “House of Payne.” We’ll always have “New Jack City!”)

  4. That’s funny that you don’t watch Tyler Perry films, I had to draaaaaaaag my husband to see them. He likes them now but he thinks the stories are predictable and the characters are absolutes, they have no depth. They are purely entertaining, that’s it. If you want to try one out the best one is “Why Did I Get Married”, loved it. If you can stand that work your way down, Daddy Little Girls is next. You probably won’t like anything that features Madea if you don’t like these to. Watch one and write about it, I would be interested to see what you think!

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