1. Women who aren’t A) southern or B) black don’t know how to properly rock a finger-licking hat. Maybe it’s because northern white women don’t wear a hat anywhere. In the south, if you’re of a certain class you still wear a hat and black women, north or south, love hats and still wear them to church. My mother rocks a hat almost everywhere she goes. To her (and my Granny) it sounds nutters to go places all dressed up sans hat.
But since The Kentucky Derby requires a hat at least half the people there screw the whole hat thing up and either buy hats that don’t match, are too ridiculous to be worn by anyone not named “Scarlett O’Hara” or are flat out, horrible hats.
2. I’m sick of seeing Z-grade celebrities at the derby. Drew Lachey? Joey Fatone? Larry Birkhead? Molly Sims? This Heidi Montag person? What the hell, Derby? Real celebrities would take the time to learn how to select a proper hat or suit. (Like Julia Roberts or Reese Witherspoon.) Of course, what’s really scary is that Montag person actually followed the rules of hat being proper for face and outfit. And if this Montag person could bother to learn how to rock a hat properly, what was Chelsea Clinton’s problem? Just look at the pictures below.
Former First Daughter, Chelsea Clinton looks almost exactly how her mother did when she was her age. She’s usually adorable, but what the hell is this? She looks like she was attacked by light blue cellophane. Or wrapping paper. Or like she’s being choked by a silk bed sheet. At least her hat matches. I don’t like the hat. But it matches. She gets C for matching correctly.
Oh, Gabrielle Union, is there no party you won’t crash? The dress is cute. Not quite fancy enough for the derby, but I’ll let it slide. And the hat is acceptable. Of course, I would expect nothing less from a black woman. You are supposed to know how to pick out a decent hat. Well done. You get a B minus.
I like Michael Strahan’s suit. He’s looking so fresh, so clean. As for Nicole Mitchell (nee Murphy), she is looking a bit of a mess here. One: Where’s your hat? Two: That is a cocktail dress, not a derby dress. Three: What is wrong with you smile? Did you get attacked by the Botox fairy? My word! That said, I do think Michael and Nicole make a cute couple in their own way. Plus, Strahan seems down right folksy compared to her high maintenance ex, Eddie, who looks like he could drive a bitch to drink. Strahan: A minus. Mitchell: D minus.
Lynn Whitfield. Nice hat. I don’t really like wearing black at the derby because you’re supposed to wear spring colors and look festive. This, again, is basically a cocktail dress, not the appropriate flowery ensemble. But you didn’t mess up the hat part and that’s the most important. B minus.
Larry Birkhead? Why are you here? And why did you bring this Anna Nicole clone? And why do I even know who you are? Your hair gets an F, Birkhead, but your suit is pretty awesome. I’ll give you a B plus. As for your date. I’m sorry. She looks like trash and that hat is terrible. Fail!
What’s with all the black hats? Are we going to a fu
neral? It’s the DERBY, people! Be festive! That said, Lennox Lewis’ ladyfriend is wearing a good hat. The dress looks like something you could pick up for under $30 at Marshalls, but hey, it’s flowery. That has to count for something. And it’s flattering to her figure. I still hate it, but it matches. Lennox Lewis looks fucking awful with the five-head and frizzy dreads. And I’m not feeling that suit. I give you both Cs.
See? This is what I’m talking about. Smokey Robinson and his wife Frances know how to dress for a true Southern affair. The white. The light yellow. The pearls. The perfect matching hat. The open toe-shoes. The matching. Watch and learn, people. Watch and learn. A plus!
Dwyane Wade. Where’s your tie? Why are you wearing a hat? Not that men can’t wear hats to the derby. It’s just men’s hats usually are throwbacks to the 1940s when every man wore a Fedora or a gentlemanly cap. This bucket-style number is not derby approved. Also: I really don’t like that you didn’t try to dress up. Most black men like to show out at these sort of things. No tie. No vest. No scarf. No cane. No fancy. No dandy. No fop. No nothing. You get a C.
I still don’t know who this Heidi Montag person is, but she appears to have gotten the derby dress memo. She chose a hat that was more understated, therefore it worked better with her face and hair and didn’t make her look ridiculous. She chose a flattering dress with spring colors which matched said hat. Her purse is too big for the derby. You’re supposed to go for a clutch, but at least it matches, as do the shoes. So you get an A, Montag person. Good show, I say. Good show.