Lower Your IQ: Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey Allegedly Married. Allegedly.

Everyone take your brain out for a breather … the Associated Press is reporting that allegedly Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon got married.

I know.

Just … just let the stupidity envelop you. Nick Cannon, who’s not funny, and Mariah Carey, my favorite Photoshop Diva, have tied the knot, allegedly, in the Bahamas, allegedly. And can I say “allegedly” enough? No I can’t. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly.

Nick Cannon is cast as Mariah Carey‘s lover in her new video — but has the superstar diva given the young actor a considerably bigger role in real life?

According to several published reports, Carey, 38, married Cannon, 27, on Wednesday. Neither Carey’s publicist nor Cannon’s manager returned requests from The Associated Press for comment.

If the pair did indeed wed, it would be a whirlwind romance. Word that the two were seeing each other first surfaced in the last few weeks. Last Saturday, Carey was seen sporting a huge diamond ring on her finger at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of her movie, “Tennessee,” in which she plays a waitress. Cannon was at her side at the party. Speculation swirled that the couple were engaged.

I smell fix because this makes no sense. Mariah Carey and Derek Jeter, that was hot not-black-black-person sandwich. Mariah Carey and Eminem. Dysfunctional, but Mariah’s kind of trashy so it still made sense. Nick Cannon of Nickelodeon? This does not compute.

This is the same Nick Cannon who seems to do pretty women drive-by relationships. Who seems to hop on whatever chick is hot at the moment — from singer Christina Milian and Negrophile Kim Kardashian and Victoria’s Secret model Selita Ebanks. If she’s got cache, he wants to cash in.

Feel free to give all this the alleged side-eye.

16 thoughts on “Lower Your IQ: Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey Allegedly Married. Allegedly.

  1. Someone in authority really ought to give Mariah a sanity test before she does anything, like get married.Monie

  2. I don’t think this scurrilous bit of reportage is true, but if it is true Mariah really needs to see somebody. That Nick boy is no good.I mean. He dated Kim Kardashian. How does she know that he’s not just going to dump her the minute some other drama queen frees up, like French swimsuit model Noemie Lenoir or Janet Jackson? (Of course he’d have to fight Jermaine Dupree to the death for that one.)What’s she going to do when he runs off with Miley Cyrus or something when she hits 19. Nick is a famous chick opportunist. When will Tyra Banks start looking good? Or Heidi Montag?And, for the record, who in the hell is Heidi Montag and why do I keep hearing about her? Is she supposed to be famous for something? Other than being blond and backing John McCain. Which, is like, the most uncool presidential candidate to back nowadays. Anyway. I think they’re both frontin. Mariah was jealous that Beyonce got married and can dance and sing at the same time.

  3. uppity: I can forgive you for liking Nick Cannon. He does, outwardly, seem harmless. But he is notorious for picking a woman who’s stock is on the rise (or is just about to crash). A la Mimi, the photoshop queen, who is clinging onto youth with both hands.

  4. Like you, I have no idea why the hell I continue to see, read about, hear of, or endure workplace banter about this Heidi Montag person.

  5. Don’t let the corny fool you…Nick Cannon got money ya’ll.He produces and stars in MTV’s “Wild ‘N Out”, owns his own record label “Can I Ball” Records and he also owns the multimillion dollar PNB Nation clothing line. He got a little paper stacked, which might explain why these chicks dig him…But don’t get me wrong. He still annoying as hell.

  6. grown: I don’t doubt Nick’s paper stacking skills, but he wouldn’t be the first dude to collect starlets on the ups and downs in an effort to keep his publicity game on point. (See “Sean Combs”)For him, girlfriends are like new Jordans’. He’s there on Saturday to get them when they first come out, then tosses them to the back somewhere when something even more overhyped comes along.ct: I’m gather that Heidi Montag must be like Kim Kardashian. Basically girls we shouldn’t know the names of but some sex tape with Ray J came along and put them on the map. Does Heidi have a sex tape? Is she BFF’s with Paris Hilton? Did she once screw Elliot Spitzer for boucoup bucks?Seroiusly. Why is she famous? Is her dad someone famous? Was she a background dancer for Britney Spears? Lindsay Lohan’s cousin? An ex-girlfriend of Joel Madden?And don’t tell me it’s because of this thing called … MTV’s “The Hills.” I still don’t believe that’s a real show.

  7. Now Danielle,You are definitely helping his publicist along. I am loving your take on this. For him, any publicity is good publicity. We are remembering him, saying, “Oh yeah, Nick Cannon…what was he up to?”I actually like his exploits because people don’t think men scheme to find trophy partners. When he does what he does it shows the desperation of a man — instead of a woman in that focus. So I like you helping his publicist. Finally someone is bringing up that marginally talented men with favored luck try to solidify their gains by hooking up with a more pop-culturally interesting female than him. Remember when everyone was trying to copy the King and Queen of the prom, Beyonce and Jay-Z? That there is a brand. Black hip-hop celebrities tried to cop their brand: the rapper and R&B romance.Do you remember in the late 80’s and early nineties most supermodels married famous musicians?

  8. andrea: Well, with Cannon it was SO OBVIOUS, as it was with Puffy that he liked going after women who would give him maximum exposure. This a classic tactic used in Hollywood to hype marginal actors/actresses or stars on the come up. For every celebrity romance that is organic there are about 10 relationships that are manufactured bliss, meant to push a career. Like Tom Cruise and every woman he’s every been associated with. Nicole Richie, Ashlee Simpson, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton’s battalion of skeevy, unemployed suedo celebs.Puffy and J. Lo. Ben and J. Lo. Marc Anthony and J. Lo. Jude Law and ol’ what’s her face, Sienna Miller. Leonardo DiCaprio and Gisele Buncheon.And the 90s was especially ridiculous with all the model/rocker mashups. I think the only one that’s still trucking along is Iman and David Bowie, but, again, that relationship seemed organic rather than the long list of people who’ve done Mick Jagger. And in a way, I miss the “supermodel” 90s. That was the time to be a super model. Your face was on everything. I’m bored by these magazines with the “celebrity o’ the month” on the cover. Give me abnormally attractive glamazons any day. That actually being able to name all the models in George Michael’s “Freedom” and “Too Funky” videos was pretty awesome. There are no more supermodels. I can count the number of models I can name on one hand.

  9. I like the fact that you related this story to lowering one’s IQ because it’s highly likely that Mr. Cannon is a moron. I believe the now-defunct Honey magazine busted him for saying something incredibly stupid like he was addicted to white girls for a period of time because he had to kiss a white co-star in a movie. It might have been the now-defunct Suede magazine. Sigh.I also think that Carey is missing some crayons from her box, but I don’t think of either of these people on a regular basis. I just had to comment now that you bring it up (and possibly lower my IQ).

  10. Girl,I wanted to hang with those supermodels. The were so tall and remember they looked like women and not tall infants. What is up with this slumping thing they do now?My favorite supermodel was Linda Evangelista and Mounia. Linda made more money and was way more famous. I was at all insulted when she said she did not get up for less than $10,000 a day. I was always a womanist. How could any woman be insulted by that bravado?And Mounia was just beautiful with her full lips. She predated Lauryn Hill’s full lips. I finally could find media not being too scared of full lip Black women and consider them beautiful. That’s why I dig Jill Marie Jones too. During the 70’s it was a burden to have full lips as a black little girl. People called me big lips to try to hurt me. I liked my lips. Now people compliment them. I know some Black Men are still scared of them though. The younger Black men that look like me are trying so hard to rid their genetic markers and run from me to find a thin-lipped “other” to erase himself.

  11. I keep on holding out for hope for Mariah, but she doesn’t seem to want to pull herself together. She doesn’t want to step up to the plate. I don’t know Nick Cannon. Seen him in a few things, here and there. But, she married first her father, and now, her much younger baby brother? When is she going to marry a man her own age?

  12. Heidi Montag is one of those faux reality tv soap stars from The Hills or The OC or one of those MTV joints. I’m not sure which one because I can’t bear to watch them. I’m also unsure what makes her newsworthy.Nick Cannon also has money and is still making residuals for all the writing he did for Nickelodeon. I think he worked on Kenan & Kel and All That or some other classic from the 90s. I also can’t place all the blame on him. It was reported several times Selita was in it for the publicity too. I actually think she was the one who traded up in this case.However, I don’t understand how you can go from being engaged to one person 6-7 months ago to marrying another. Allegedly using the same engagement ring…

  13. Nick Cannon is hillarious (sorry, had to say it). I got a feeling Nick Cannon is going to be the next Byron Allen, 20 years from now, people will be asking “he’s still got money? he was never that famous in the first place.” Heidi Montag is famous because she is pretty and blonde (and yes, I know that not everyone thinks she looks good, but in general, that is the perception.) Hollywood has to always have a “blonde bombshell” to sell to the public. They have been doing it since marylin monroe and even before her. Pretty, blonde, and semi-famous is all it takes to become “flavor of the week” in hollywood.

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