Are We There Yet?

My favorite piece of YouTube ridiculousness out of the Pennsylvania Primary.

Pennsylvania votes today. I know they won’t end this parade of primaries, but if they really, really wanted to be good to the Snob they would vote for Barack and end this unholy clusterfuck of non-issues.

Yesterday Snob reader Charles D. sent me a copy of Michael Moore’s endorsement of Barack Obama, another name and face in the long line of Obama backers. Moore had some interesting thing to say (mostly about his distaste for Hillary Clinton’s “Sherman’s March to the Sea” strategy):

I’ve watched Senator Clinton and her husband play this game of appealing to the worst side of white people, but last Wednesday, when she hurled the name “Farrakhan” out of nowhere, well that’s when the silly season came to an early end for me. She said the “F” word to scare white people, pure and simple. Of course, Obama has no connection to Farrakhan. But, according to Senator Clinton, Obama’s pastor does — AND the “church bulletin” once included a Los Angeles Times op-ed from some guy with Hamas! No, not the church bulletin! …

Yes, Senator Clinton, that’s how you sounded. Like you were nuts. Like you were a bigot stoking the fires of stupidity. How sad that I would ever have to write those words about you. You have devoted your life to good causes and good deeds. And now to throw it all away for an office you can’t win unless you smear the black man so much that the superdelegates cry “Uncle (Tom)” and give it all to you.

While I usually enjoy Moore’s guerrilla-style documentary making (even when it dangerously veers into “propaganda” territory), I don’t know if this latest endorsement helps Obama any.

And I’m pretty sure Moore knows that.

It’s not like Barack is hurting for white Liberals. He’s got those by the boatloads beaming with love in their eyes and bleating “I Gotta Crush on Obama” songs in their hearts. He’s locked up half the Kennedy clan and MoveOn.org. The bloggers at DailyKos are head over heels. And he’s the darling of not only George Clooney, but Brad Pitt, the only male celebrity endorsed by UN Goodwill Ambassador, habitual orphan coveter Angelina Jolie!

I don’t know who Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio are supporting, but considering Barack is locking up the insanely handsome white matinée idol vote, I’m sure the checks are in the mail.

While I’m sure Barack appreciates the help and the money and Scarlett Johansen’s smoky, bedroom eye o’ love, but he’s going to need to grasp some of that wavering white middle John McCain is out prospecting for.

Barack already had us “pinko, Negro-lovin’ commies” at hello. But our erudite, anti-cruelty, Whole Foods shopping asses cannot will him to the White House alone. Us black folk especially realize wishing upon a star while trying to capture Dennis Kucinich with a butterfly net for luck will not get the job done.

So what can we do to get a centrist to vote for Barack today?

I’m not advocating Obama dump his “elitist,” “Why do you hate America” friends. I didn’t even want him to dump Rev. Jeremiah Wright. But he needs moderate support. He’s doing a better job of wooing Independents than Hillary Clinton, but that’s because she’s Hillary Clinton. The only thing more seductive than the dulcet, liberating tones of the Great Hope Mongerer is the man from the Hanoi Hilton.

He may be old. He may be decomposing as I type this. And he may be tied to unpopular policies tied to an even more unpopular war, but the media loves McCain. Independents love McCain. Even some Democrats desired him as they tried to recruit the man after the Bush Campaign bitch slapped him in South Carolina eight years ago. The only people who didn’t like him were Republicans and now that they have no choice they’re taking their bitter medicine and begrudgingly supporting him.

Imagine this scenario: When Hillary Clinton tosses back a shot of liquor she’s pandering. When John McCain does it he’s a man! That’s the problem Obama’s up against. Everything Clinton has done that has made her look a shade ridiculous will be authentic when McCain’s leathery, liver-spotted hands get wrapped around it.

It doesn’t matter that he’s a rich ol’ coot married to an insanely wealthy broad. Because Barack Obama, the only person when didn’t grow up any silver spoons at his disposal, decided to be an educated Harvard man of letters and words, he’s the “elitist,” a numbingly dumb charge as if we needed another “regular dude” president. If I want my oil changed I’ll grab one of those. If I want a leader of the free world I’m going to need more than a GED and a correspondence course in Business Administration.

No matter how Pennsylvania ends tonight, the Democratic primarily will probably go on. I don’t see the Clintons backing down as long as there’s a chance Obama might be destroyed by his own ambition. A category five political fuck up, if you may. Like a recording surfacing of Barack meeting with the Secret Council of American Negroes about their plan enslave the white race the minute he moves in on Pennsylvania Ave.

As for John McCain, he’s still old and as long as he doesn’t get any younger (which I don’t see happening, but one can never be sure), and as long as that tape doesn’t pop up (*crosses fingers*), things should work themselves out.

3 thoughts on “Are We There Yet?

  1. I know you wrote a post on this way back…but I’m a Democrat and if Hillary wins…I’m voting for Old Man Johnny.I agree with you. Barack is unfortunately going to have to win over the “Winn Dixie” White crowd, AKA blue collar workers, in order to go all the way. He really needs to plug at the economy, gas, and his grass routes have as non-profit organizers in Chicago…Honesty time? I don’t really under stand Hillarie’s logic that in order to will you must win big states (WRONG) Kerry won all big stated in 2004 election but lost because George Bush caught back up with him in smaller states. Hillary need to be trying to will some of these N. Dakotas and Oregon’s cause at the end of the day, they will matter…

  2. I don’t think Moore’s endorsement will help Sen. Obama. If anything, the Sean Hannitys and Rush Limbaughs will use this to paint Obama as a left-wing conspiracy theorist.

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