5. The cover of Janet Jackson’s new album
She’s been airbrushed within an inch of horrifying.
I would also appreciate if Janet would stop trying to remake the “Janet.” album. It’s getting embarrassing.
4. The term “wifey” which is like saying “wife-ish.”
I feel the same way I feel about being called “boo” or “shawty.” These are all the perfect thing for you to say if you ever want me to speak to you again.
3. Menfolk who think is flattering to tell a woman you’ve just met that you’re a “queen.”
I get it. We blacks have self-esteem issues. It’s not a secret. Hundreds of years of being told you’re a bunch of hideous mud people will make you not dig yourself. But I’m not that miserable that I need to be referred to as “a queen.” I cringe every time I hear it because I want to go, “Is it that bad?” Or I think, “you’re saying that because you think I want to hear it right and then I might let you touch ma’ fun parts? Hmmm?”
I just don’t like it. It makes me think of white kids who I went to school with who claimed they could trace their family back to some dead duke in England. I mean, damn. That duke really got around if EVERY person I know is related to his ass. Hell, I got some white folks running around in my family so maybe I’m related to the Duke of Earl too.
Plus, it just smacks of desperation. You know you’re not going to treat me like a queen. What does that even mean? Let’s work on treating each other as decent people. A lot of black folk haven’t even passed the “treat each other decent” threshold. If we start out as royalty you’re just going to be disappointed when you find out the hair on my legs actually grows back.
2. Movies that are just different versions of “The Fast and the Furious” meets “Breakin’ 2: Electric Bugaloo“
I’m sure “Never Back Down” isn’t just “Save the Last Dance” and five Jean-Claude Van Damme movies smashed together with a rap-rock soundtrack and actors blander than those who’ve come before them (Keanu, Paul Walker, Vin Diesel). Oh, oh! But this one is different! It’s about ultimate fighting and mixed-martial arts!
So … it’s “Saved the Last Dance” mixed with “Fight Club” but without all the interesting dialog and colorful characters and Edward Norton’s talented twitching and Brad Pitts’ method-acting abs? OK then.
And the number one thing that should be retired …
I thought the Black-Eyed Peas were fine without her. Granted, they did become richer and more commercially successful after she was added to the group. But she lost me when she made “My Humps.” Not only was the song inane, but kind of gross (um, my ass and breasts are “humps” now? And “humping” is a euphemism for sex? And you’re doing your best impression of what you think a black girl on Crenshaw sounds like? Classy!)
That all said and done, I liked “Fergalicious.” The beat was hot. But you have no “humps.” And why are you always spelling things in songs? And why did you do a commercial where you were at spelling bee mocking the fact that you’re always spelling in songs? Why do I even know who you are? And why do you keep trying to tell me how attractive you are in songs when we both know that just isn’t true?