The Buyout

To: The Black Snob
From: The Secret Council of American Negroes (SCAN)
Subject: Revised SCAN edicts for February

Despite tireless work to reform, re-educate then release some of the more recalcitrant members of “black America,” the council is at a loss. People continue to act a fool and generally embarass themselves, and to SCAN this would be fine if they were your average Johim or Janifica Black American, but we at SCAN hold our more notorious and most visible members of the race to a higher standard. After all, in our lopsided, low visibility for minorities society each famous black carries the immense burden of extra public scrutiny.

We at SCAN don’t ask much of our more well-known brethren and we have routinely lowered the bar every year since 1865 to accommodate to our members. But last year forced us to reduce our requirements to the lowest they’ve been since 1895 when St. Louis pimp Lee “Stagger Lee” Shelton shot William Lyons.

To put it in the harshest terms our rules for black fame are simple.

1. Don’t fuck up.
2. If you do fuck up, don’t do it in public.
3. If you are caught in public fucking up, please apologize then disappear for a prolonged stay away from all media and cameras at a SCAN approved reformatory resort in either the Caymans Islands or Belize. SCAN will contact you when you are reformed and ready to return to the public eye.

Despite these simple, explicit rules and efforts at reform (Whitney Houston is doing so well she was recently granted a furlough to attend the Grammys), others continue to backslide and shame themselves. Therefore SCAN is alerting all members to an emergency meeting discussing a possible mass buyout of these repeat, non-reformable offenders.

In light of layoffs at General Motors and other corporations, we are considering one-time only, “big wad o’ cash” buyouts to make some of our more troublesome members go away permenantly.

Members should not misunderstand that SCAN doesn’t love their own. SCAN has been dedicated to the cause since 1865, but there are simply some members of black America who need to be laid off. These individuals are not helping anymore.

For an example of the frustration, here is letter from one frustrated senior member:

There was a time we could all get together and kick it. We would laugh and eat mayonnaise sandwiches and it was great. But now that we’ve grown up whenever they’re getting arrested at strip clubs, being hounded by the press or receiving lifetime NAACP Image Awards for utter crap my name is the first one out of their mouths. Usually right after they thank Jesus. And I’ve personally talked to Jesus about this and He told me He doesn’t appreciate His name being brought up all the time either. Keepin’ it real my ass. They need to keep they real asses off the damn TeeVee!

In light of this and other complaints SCAN is considering sending a note thanking all offenders for what they’ve achieved, but SCAN and its’ sister organization Negroes of North America (NONA), will no longer be needing your services. We applaud all these once non-embarrassing Coloreds were able to accomplish often in the face of much adversity. They kept it real, as the kids say, but now they’re turning into that proverbial drunk uncle who shows up uninvited to things, spilling his bottle-in-a-paper-bag, Thunder Bird Ripple o’ Wine all over the NAACP Image Award in our souls. SCAN asks that these individuals please consider taking the following severance packages plus a one-time cash allowence so we can retire their black credentials up to the rafters of SCAN and NONA’s proud Bethune-Thurgood-Douglass Hall in beautiful Macon, Ga. and declare that they can officially go the hell away.

Letters we’re considering for the current members up for possible layoffs:

1. Andrew Young. We appreciated all the work you did during the Civil Rights Movement. We could have not done it without you. But then you got a little corrupt during the Jimmy Carter/Ronald Reagan years and a little crazy much afterwards. We love you like a quirky, drunk, illegitimate stepchild, but please take this gold watch, a lifetime subscription to Ebony Magazine and ease on down the road. Thanks!

2. Bobby Brown. We can never thank you enough for your contributions to R&B through the group New Edition and later the incredibly awesome “Don’t Be Cruel” album. It was one of the greatest New Jack Swing albums ever made and that Gumby fade? Priceless. But things have not worked out well the last 15 years or so. I know this is hard for you to hear, which is why we did this over the mail, but we want you to know we’ve already changed the locks and the guards here in Macon have been instructed to shoot on sight. Your final paycheck and one-time complimentary six pack of Schlitz will be sent to your last known place of residence or whatever prison you are currently residing in for doing whatever thing of dubious legality you’re probably doing right now.

3. Eddie Murphy. We really really liked “Coming to America” and the Raw album was very raunchy, very funny. But please, dear God, retire. That ex-wife Nicole/Scary Spice/Ex Ms. Babyface thing, plus the transvestite hooker, plus “Norbit,” plus the singing non-sensations “Put Your Mouth On Me,” “I Was A King” and “Whatzupwitu,” plus you screaming every line of dialog in your films were too, too much. You’re a talented guy and we really did like “Party All the Time,” (mostly because of Rick James). But you were good too!

We will do anything, Eddie. We will pay anything to see you move to Arizona and spend the rest of your life with Johnny Gill, who we are willing to relocate and grant occasional furloughs to as he manages to not embarrass anyone when he goes on reunion tours with Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, Mike and Ralph. We at SCAN want to know, what do you want? What do you need, Eddie? If we get you an Oscar will you retire? What if we get you the part of “Buck the Wonder Slave?***” the one you’ve singled out as a guaranteed Oscar winner? Will you go away? Think about it.

4. 50 Cent. You’re never too young to get retired or die trying. SCAN humor. We apologize. But seriously, we can buyout that black American contract, right? You’re a trashy, clichéd, non-creative thugnificent rapper? How about a used poster of Beyonce courtesy of Wig Crypt and lifetime VIP pass to the finest strip clubs Atlantic City has to offer? All the Henney and Coke you can drink. Hot wings. Bling. Whatever you kids are into nowadays. After all, you don’t want to rap anymore if Kanye West is beating you in fake record sales fights. He’s just some skinny kid from Chicago who’s kind of ann
oying but incredibly talented. He’s never even suggested that he was a thug. He’s a backpacker of all things. You’re the one taking ‘roids. You’re the one “keeping it real.” How could you be more “hood” than that? Strippers and hot wings for life, Fiddy! Think about it!

5. R. Kelly. Seriously. Go to trial already. You had sex and did unspeakable acts on an underage girl. We don’t care if she’s allegedly “fine” with it. You broke the law! And we all know that if you’d peed on a 14 year old white girl and videotaped it you would be buried under the jail. Why is the life of a black girl worth less than others? Why is the life of a black girl only the concern of other black people when it’s a white man who abuses or subjugates her? We’re not even buying you out. You’re just straight up fired.

Others may defend you until they run out of breath but the Secret Society of American Negroes can no longer stand silent as you essentially piss on us and the entire judicial system by your jackassery. Dear God, Michael Vick got two years for dog fighting. Dog fighting!

Other individuals and organizations at risk of layoffs:

The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. Question to other members, “Can you retire a whole organization? We will promise to build them a museum for all their hard work pre-1990.”

Flava Flav of Public Enemy. We actually voted him out of the race last month, but he still won’t leave. So we’re going to court to get a cease and desist order on his blackness.

BET Founder Robert Johnson. Also fired from the black community last month. Also keeps not helping anyone in general, especially the people he claims to be helping. The black American electorate would appreciate it if the local police and FBI would please enforce the many restraining orders the court placed against Johnson after the Foot v Mouth debacle back in January.

All southern rappers who aren’t former members of OutKast or Goodie Mobb.

Alan Keyes. You have to stop running for president. Seriously. This time was the last time. Even the Republicans in NONA are getting tired of this nonsense and debating whether or not they’re going to invite you to be a keynote speaker at their regular “Lift Your Own Damn Self Up And Sing” convention in June. And we at SCAN are tired of you showing up in elections where SCAN members are backing Barack Obama. First the senate, and now this? We already suspended you for quite embarrassingly dumping your lesbian daughter. If it weren’t for the fact that the media declared you all but obsolete ten years ago we would have sent to our facility in the Caymans a long time ago.

***

The SCAN Buyout Committee would also appreciate if any members would pass along other habitual offenders who are deemed to be beyond rehabilitation. The actual cash settlements will be handled by O & Q, per usual, who plan on funding most of the buyouts by levying retroactive fines on Robert Johnson, half for creating BET then ruining it and another half just because O really, really doesn’t like him.

Really.

That is all.

Yours truly in blackness,

SCAN Precinct Leader #178, Missouri Chapter

——–
The Secret Council of American Negroes — (Yes, that secret council your white friends keep asking about.) Working for the Benefit of Negroes In Shared Sacrifice and Glory Since 1865

***This refers to the little seen Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy film “Bowfinger” where Eddie’s character, an even more manic version of himself, complains about the lack of good roles for black actors. “White boys always get the Oscar. It’s a known fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why? Cause I hadn’t played any of them slave roles, and get my ass whipped. That’s how you get the nomination. A black dude who plays a slave that gets his ass whipped gets the nomination, a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar. That’s what I need, I need to play a retarded slave, then I’ll get the Oscar. Get me the Part of Buck the Wonder slave and then we’ll be cooking.” (Quote found on BigFooty.com)

12 thoughts on “The Buyout

  1. Robert Johnson should be number one on your list, followed by leeches such as Russell Simmons and Rep. Charlie Rangel. But I have to give you ’nuff respect for the “Stagger Lee” reference! I actually talked about him today in class ironically. You should also look up my man Robert Charles in the New Orleans Race Riot of 1900. I believe that William Hair wrote a small book on him, but really where is the DROP SQUAD when you need them?http://www.imdb.com/media/rm3574766592/tt0109675

  2. NI: I originally had Robert Johnson on the same list with Flava Flav in February. Have not gotten to the ridiculousness that is Russell Simmons. I’ll make sure to put him in next month’s SCAN letter. The Jesse n’ Al All the Time Show is more about journalistic laziness than anything else. They’re the only two black people CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC, FOX News and MSNBC know. They have no idea nor care to find out if there are other influential blacks out there.I don’t know much about the New Orleans Race Riot of 1900. I’ve learned about my regional, horrific race riot in East St. Louis, Ill. after the turn of the century, but not much about the numerous other riots that broke out across the country. I will have to check that out.And “Drop Squad.” I almost forgot all about that film! Ah, the 90s. There was a much better buffoon-to-decent black film ratio back then.

  3. First – I think Eddie Murphy wuz ROBBED! His role in Dreamgirls was just flawless. He acted his ass off. They needed to give him that Oscar. Second – please add Sherri Shepherd, who isn’t sure if the earth is flat or not, who thinks that nobody lived before Jesus, etc. GAH!Third – I [heart] Whitney! The very moment her next album comes out (please God) I will buy it, just like I bought every other Whitney album. {{{{{whitney}}}}}

  4. Nonie: I’m rooting for Whitney too. I did a happy dance when I heard she was leaving Bobby and getting the help that she needs.And I also thought Eddie was good in “Dreamgirls.” You know that will probably be the only Oscar he will ever be nominated for despite his talent. Like Bill Murray was a few years before, you could read his face and see all kinds of pissed.Goodness, I forgot how embarrassing Sheri Sheppard is getting. I’ll make sure to add her to the list.

  5. Nice way to tell the truth and keep it light at the same time. I actually shed a few tears I was laughing so hard. That shit was just too sad, but true. Maybe SCAN can find a way to forgive Eddie, but only if he agrees to let you write all his material from now on!

  6. stank: The takeover of black owned radio stations by the like of Clear Channel, compounded with corporate interests flooding the hip hop market with “wankstas” and Akon is a very real problem here at SCAN where younger members long for a simpler time when rap music/hip hop belonged only to black people, foster a diversity in styles and artists that included black feminists (Queen Latifa), ghetto diarists (Grandmaster Flash), black identity politics (Public Enemy) and quaint, daisy powered black intellectual dissertations be De La Soul, Monie Love and occasionally Tribe Called Quest, which is still among my favorite groups even thought they all fell out.That’s why I sort of respect Twista as he tried to initially break in the game when it was about artistry and he had a real talent/gimmick that was shunted when Bone Thugs perfected it with a sing-songy delivery. So feel free to expound and drop me an email.

  7. This post was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!! Loved every single word. I agree with everything you said (minus the profanity, perhaps) as well as with the comments that others have made. Please add the following people to the list in view of their continued tomfoolery:1. Jesse Jackson2. Jeremiah Wright3. Al Sharpton4. Shari Shepherd5. Russell Simmons6. Diddy/P.Diddy/Puffy/Puff Daddy/Puffy Combs7. New York8. rap music9. anybody actually using terms like “bitchassness” and “baddest bitch”

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