Jucied!

… Or the top ten black people (or things about black people) I wish would go away

1. OJ Simpson: I was willing to accept OJ as long as he was far, far away from the news, skirting the fringe with various white women in Florida. But no, he had to bum rush the show with a bunch of crooks fighting with another bunch of crooks over his stolen stuff and other sports memorabilia in a Las Vegas Hotel.

I already hated the wall-to-wall fake news coverage of his double homicide trial when I was in high school. Mostly because TV stations freakin’ carried it live and my parents watched it and Geraldo constantly and I hate, hate Geraldo. Plus there was the Goldman family, who, normally, I would have had sympathy for, but were so full of rage and vengeance that it rendered them unlikeable.

So thanks, OJ. That’s for bringing that back.

Also on the list are:

2. New York of VH-1 “I Love New York” and “Flava of Love:” Whenever I see angry Muslims or marching anti-capitalism/anarchists marching overseas, burning the US flag and George W. in effigy, I wonder, “Why aren’t they burning a picture of New York? Sure, George is bombing two countries, but God, just look at her! Obviously she’s the ultimate symbol of America’s decadent, inarticulate, hedonistic, Godless, gross materialism that they despise so much.” I also wonder why they aren’t burning pictures of ultra conservative pundit/book slinger Ann Coulter, but if they did she would only be flattered.

3. Flava Flav (sadly) of Public Enemy, which I still love, but not necessarily for Flav

4. The clusterfuck that is Eddie Murphy, his new wife Tracie Edmonds, babymama Mel B. and Eddie’s first wife Nicole. The only one tolerable is Nicole, as I’m almost positive she’s the victim here. I think.

5. Michael Jackson: Get your air bushed ass off the Ebony magazine.

6. Various news commentators and reporters on all TV networks referring to Bill Clinton as the first black president. Seriously? I know some, most famously Toni Morrison, have said that, but I don’t recall there being a vote in black America where we got together and made Bill an honorary Negro. Hell, actor Robert Deniro is closer to be an honorary Negro than Bill as he actually went the extra mile and married a black woman. But Deniro is still Italian-American. Bill is still white. Stop the silliness, people. You’re embarrassing yourself.

7. Public ordinances banning baggy pants. One of those passed in a town near St. Louis. I hate seeing teenage boy’s underwear as much as the next person over 30, but the pants aren’t destroying black America, ignorance is. Fight ignorance, people!

8. Tyler Perry. I’m torn. He’s a successful black filmmaker and businessman, which I applaud greatly and admire. He’s also continuing the long history of black men in dresses. I have no problem with this if you are, in fact, an actual drag queen or transsexual, as they are not dressing as women out of “irony.” But I’m not lifting my moratorium on black men in dresses films for you, Tyler Perry. I also don’t like how often these characters are roles most black women wouldn’t take because of the level of buffoonery. So basically, if the character you’ve created in the fat suit is doing something an ordinary black actress would not do for money, maybe you’re a horrible racial/sexist stereotype. I’m just sayin’ …

9. BET founder Bob Johnson: For … everything.

10. Black ex-NFL players as color commentators on television who can’t talk. Shannon Sharpe, Micheal Irvin, Keyshawn Johnson and Emmit Smith. Emmit is the lesser of four mush-mouths here, but this really says a lot about the TV news networks. After all, with the exception of Magic Johnson and Charles Barkley, the vast majority of black ex-NBA baller can conjugate a verb or even be eloquent. On the NFL side all you’ve got is super smart, adorable but kind of dull Tiki Barber, chumming it up on the Today Show.

Of course, football season is almost over, so I really only have Barkley to be frustrated over, as I gave my heart to ol’ Magic Johnson back in the 1980s when he won all those rings. He gets a pass on not being able be, let alone pronounce, eloquent.

Did I miss anyone? I know, no Michael Vick. But I didn’t feel like going there. Arg, and I forgot to add almost every rapper on BET, with the exception of Kanye West and even sometimes he can be questionable, although I own all three albums. Beyonce, I thank you for “Crazy In Love,” now go away. Shaq-diesel and Miami Heat sucks diesel. All things 50 Cent. And I didn’t put Taye Diggs on there, but I’m very biased against Taye and he, honestly, hasn’t done anything to embarrass blackness. I just hate him, illogically, but I’m woman enough to admit that.

Add your things about blackness you’re sick of seeing on the TV below!

15 thoughts on “Jucied!

  1. I think you made a pretty good start here. I would add:Addendum 1: Pacman Jones (NFL Player who has a habit of being accused of punching women in the face at strip clubs). He needs to be voted off the island. Addendum 2: The idea of ‘Hood(ness). It’s fine as an inside joke, or as a tongue-in-cheek nod to where some of us came from. But the insistence on being ‘Hood all the way into adulthood, even to the detriment of one’s professional, cultural, spiritual, and physical well-being is just about as dumb as it gets. Addendum 3: All of the labels: black, African-American, Afro-American, Negro, brothers/sisters. It’s all very silly to me. As a strict disciple of the Ralph Ellison/Albert Murray school of Negro-ness I’m obligated to like the term Negro as it is the only one that actually points to our racial category. Almost none of us are actually black (OK, maybe Wesley Snipes, but he’s the only one). Looking at your picture BS, confirms the point. Most of us are as far from being black as whites are from the color of snow. Further, 98.9% of us know less than nothing about Africa, so that’s a strange label as well. And given the state of the black “community” at present, the term brothers/sisters seems like a cruel joke. My ultimate desire? How ’bout “blue?” It’s no more absurd than the color black as a description of how we look. Except it has the added benefit of actually describing us in terms of that uber-significant and ultra-American invention — the blues. After all, we are a blues people. Which is a point that Ralph Ellison and Leroi Jones agreed on (and they couldn’t agree on anything)….that’s all i got at the moment.

  2. to Blue, that’s about the best argument I’ve heard in a while about what to be called, and the best assertion of self-definition I’ve seen in quite some time as well. However, I feel that I am part of the 0.1% who does know about Africa, lol. I usually tend to use black and African American interchangeably. When I use Negro, its a point that I’m trying to make in my statement, and most usually get the point of what I say, and when I say/write it in context.Keep it uppity, JLLwww.uppitynegronetwork.wordpress.com

  3. Blue: Whenever I think of Hood(ness) I think of a trip my sister and I took to Grandma’s in wilds of Arkansas and some dude claimed to be a “Blood” and I asked if there were any Crips in Newport, Ark., population nobody, and he said, “No.”So I was like, then aren’t ya’ll just sort of hanging out?Oh, and forgot all the Robber Barons of the Hood that make up the NFL. I’d forgotten the Tank Williams saga and the Pacaman Jones adventure.And j-laz, I too have wondered how anyone could ever take someone named Creflo Dollar seriously. I mean, he literally says his last name is “Dollar.” I’m still waiting on him to do the “Greed is good” speech from “Wall Street.”I’m not even going to get into the whole, if you’re a Christian believing in the prosperity gospel is, at the least, a conflict of interests (as in yours over God’s) and at the most extreme, straight up heresy.I’m just sayin’.Oh, and I too tend to use black and African American interchangeably. Most words to describe black people mean little since our kind was defined as, literally, anyone who has a “drop” of “black” blood in them (a la, the everyone who can’t or chooses not to pass rule). It’s like labeling all people who speak Spanish Hispanic, it makes no absolute fucking sense. It’s obvious none of these people look the same.

  4. I thought I was the only person who’s sick of mush mouth Shannon Sharpe. I love watching J.B. (James Brown) during the pre game show ( I miss watching him with Terry Bradshaw) but then I’m stuck watching Shannon trying to talk. He has a huge mouth too.By the way I love your blog.

  5. Actually, Toni Morrison is credited with the “Bill Clinton is the first black president,” comment, not Maya Angelou. You’re welcome.

  6. I have to agree with theblue with his second addendum. It boggles the mind when I see young black folk around here praising ignorance, while belittling intelligence. I can also do without black people acting a fool on the Maury Povich Show, which I actually had to stop watching because I was beginning to lose all hope in men. And can we please get rid of the ‘stop snitching’ mentality. Snitching is good for the community.

  7. I just want to say that I really really want New York to go away. She is one vulgar woman. Does she not see how she looks and sounds on TV? NY, if you ever come across this blog I want you to know the following:1. To throw yourself at a man that you have never met before on national television is NOT going to land you a role in a film. You have only established yourself as a "Reality TV Hussy"2. Learn some manners, you eat like a pig.3. You are NOT the type of woman that worthy men bring home to their mother.4. You will never ever ever be anybody's role model.Please do humanity (especially women & young girls) a favor and GO AWAY!!!Thank you Black Snob, I needed that. 🙂

  8. New York is revolting. And I just wanted to say I love MJ’s music and whatnot, as I’m sure a lot of people do, but… the man is weird as hell. I have no idea why he went on the cover of Ebony, because if he’s trying to act “normal” it’s really not working. I don’t think he’s living in the US anymore, so I doubt we’ll hear from him in a while. I’ve been wondering what his “kids” are going to grow up to be…Flava Flav looks like a little black troll. I’m still trying to figure out why the women throw themselves at him. “The clusterfuck that is Eddie Murphy” hahahaha… 😀 😀

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