Clutch Magazine: Chad Johnson and Evelyn Lozada Do What Everyone Expected

Which was self-implode. The two more famous for being reality TV stars than Chad Johnson's football skills and whatever the hell Evelyn Lozada did before Vh1's Basketball Occasional Sex Partners, got into a domestic dispute last weekend that ended with accusations of Johnson head-butting his newly wedded wife in an argument over condoms. But considering he's a craven, sexist fame whore and she's an emotional wreck known for throwing drinks and punches -- none of this is really all that surprising.

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Clutch Magazine: Lolo Jones and the Madison Avenue Machine

Thursday for Clutch Magazine Online I take on how Madison Avenue, in their continuing quest to sell flavored sugar water and tennis shoes, "made" Lolo Jones happen to the detriment of both Jones and her fellow hurdlers, Dawn Harper and Kellie Wells, on Team USA.

Jones, while a talented hurdler, was never the favorite to win gold in a race that was always going to be about defending Beijing gold medalist Harper and eventually 2012 gold winner Sally Pearson of Australia, but advertising execs had already decided long ago hyping Lolo was where money could be made. Sure, it would have been a great narrative if she redeemed herself after clipping the last hurdle in Beijing, losing her lead, but either way Madison Avenue got their star and the media got their narrative -- an attractive female runner to love then hate then talk about it endlessly.

All in an effort to sell you stuff.

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Penn State Child Rape Case Brings Out Worst In Sports Idolatry

I spent most of this week avoiding reading and writing about what was going on at Penn State because all I could likely add to the conversation would be a long string of curse words. A tale of how no one likes to be proven right about the more disgusting side of the human condition. The truth that some people will do anything for a win.

Even overlook the sexual exploitation and abuse of children.

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First Family Takes Their Women World Cup Soccer Seriously

Photo via White House FlickrThis past weekend The First Family watched the USA women play Japan in the World Cup soccer final and they all had their shoes off, game faces ON. USA lost, but ... hey! We got a totally cute family photo out of it. So we're all winners (if you're into Obama Photos and if you read my blog about 80-90 percent of you are.) Side note: I think Malia Obama's entire leg is probably taller than I am.

Tucker Carlson Gets Hyperbolic Over Michael Vick

From MediaiteLast time I checked (and hey, I could be wrong), professional bowtie wearer Tucker Carlson wasn't a member of PETA who was against all forms of animal mistreatment and believer in the animal rights math of rat = chicken = dog = person, but apparently he thinks pro-footballer Michael Vick should have been executed for his role in a dogfighting ring he ran. But since we don't do capital punishment for people who torture and kill animals (just people who torture and kill people), he did 19 months in prison instead. For some reason, serving time in prison isn't enough of a punishment for crime for Carlson. Apparently prison is supposed to be a permanent scar, not about punishment or reform, but about marking a person to walk the world as one of the damned in a separate caste system.

Someone alert Martha Stewart to give back that TV show! She's an ex-con!

More after the jump.

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Tiger Woods Is Single, Ladies!

Are you a trashy white woman of a certain stature? (Stature = willingness to do unmentionable things with Tiger Woods and keep yer damn trap shut!) TODAY'S YOUR DAY! Tiger's free now! All it cost him was his dignity, a percentage of his vast fortune, the destruction of his marriage/image and personal humiliation on a massive scale!

God. Why won't you love him anymore, America? He is so, so, so very sorry about making Rachel Uchitel happen. Why won't you forget about her so he can quietly return to having unprotected sex with random white women who may or may not work in bars and local diners?

You are so selfish.

More after the jump.

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Kurt Warner Is On To Something With This "Denzel Should Play Me" Thing

NFL quarterback (or if you're from St. Louis and a Rams fan -- "hero") Kurt Warner of the Arizona Cardinals has said many times that if someone decides to make a film of his life story he (per his wife's suggestion) would like Oscar Award-winning actor Denzel Washington to play him.

And what man wouldn't? Amiright? That Denzel is golden. But seriously, Denzel not being a white dude aside, that Kurt Warner is on to something.

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Video: Mike Tyson Sounds So Sweet With Autotune

While I'm primarily known for my knowledge on politics, cultural issues and history, there are a lot of other things I know insane amounts of useless information about. Like sports! As I've mentioned in the past, Papa Snob is something of a sports aficionado. (Mama Snob is still staring out of the window wishing for this thing called an "off-season.") Meaning, I think I've seen almost every one of these press conferences referenced in this video at some point in my life. Most of them I watched as highlights on ESPN with my father. And how we laughed and laughed and laughed. Hence taking those moments of athletic braggadocio, autotuning them, scratching/mixing/cutting them up and setting them to a club beat makes me very, very happy. The only imperfection is that this track could have been an epic three hours long if they'd made it just of MLB players and coaches shouting things. It is summer, after all, and Tony LaRussa would probably enjoy another avenue for expressing his displeasure with the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. (YouTube, h/t Deadspin)

And Now For Some Slave Metaphors From Jesse Jackson on LeBron

Personally, I thought Cavs owner Dan Gilbert sounded a lot like Miss Celie in his now infamous Comic Sans "I just got dumped by LeBron" letter. He practically ripped off Alice Walker, telling LeBron that until he does right by him everything he does will fail. Jesse Jackson thought Glibert sounded like an angry slave owner. To-maaay-to. To-maaah-to. Both versions involve someone losing something they love! (Newsflash: Both those things are money.)

More after the jump.

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