SAY IT TO HER FACE, Les Bitches! You All Failed, Not Just the 'Alaska Disasta'

The Black Snob's one (and only) defense of Gov. Sarah Palin. Governor, you're welcome in advance.

Palin was apparently a nightmare for her campaign staff to deal with. She refused preparation help for her interview with Katie Couric and then blamed her staff, specifically Nicole Wallace, when the interview was panned as a disaster. After the Couric interview, Fox News reported, Palin turned nasty with her staff and began to accuse them of mishandling her. Palin would view press clippings of herself in the morning and throw "tantrums" over the negative coverage. There were times when she would be so nasty and angry that her staff was reduced to tears. (From the notes of FOX News Chief Political Correspondent Carl Cameron, Huffington Post)

Stop, anonymous McCain heads and Monday morning quarterbacking Republican pundits.

Just. Stop.

You know what I'm talking about.

Stop bashing Miss Wasilla, Sarah Palin, aka "Caribou Barbie." Yeah, yeah. During the election we all had our fun and our Tina Fey impressions and our "I can see Russia from my house" joke variations. All that was great. But to listen to the "anonymous" Round Robin of McCain insiders who say everything from she didn't know Africa from country or contintent to she couldn't name the members of North American Trade Agreement to that she used her status to become a "Wasilla hillbilly looting Nieman Marcuses from coast to coast" is ... how can I but this? In really, really, really poor taste. Harping constantly about how she pushed to speak on concession night andrefused to cram the night before her "big exam" with Kaite Couric says to me you are throwing poo because you want no one to look at you.

Some of the leaks are just catty. Like telling the press she once answered her hotel door in a towel and wet hair, also in a towel. What the hell does that have to do with her being a nightmare candidate? What is that supposed to imply? That she's immoral because she answered a door in a towl? That she's undignified? Wasn't that 90 percent of her appeal for the base? The fact that she was ... ahem ... "real?"

This "Sarah Palin was an ignorant, ungrateful $2,500 borrow suit coat wearing bitch" attack meme is not working on me. Even with a GOP lawyer dispatched to the frozen tundra to take back that expensive packaging and window dressing called designer suits and shoes.

You do realize, Anonymous McCain staffers when you point a finger three more point back at you? That in doing this you are further more soldifying the fact that it was, as John McCain said in his concession speech, his own failings which brought about the loss. One of those failings was Sarah Palin, a women he'd only met twice before offering her the job. It was he who picked this Nieman Marcus grifting Hillbilly who allegedly didn't know diddly about squat. "Country First" was the slogan. Who's country came first when McCain picked the alleged ignoramous, one we were repeated told was the future of the Republican Party the past two months?

These same staffers protected, defended and lied for her when the left pointed out and mocked her flaws. But when the loss hit and hit hard instead of looking within and finding their own mistakes, they've gone feral, launching the malicious, sexist attacks many accused lefties of once pulling. You have chosen this instead of going "maybe we could have responded faster to the financial crisis? Maybe 'suspending' the campaign looked like grandstanding? Maybe we did a poor job of explaining 'why McCain' while shouting 'Nobama?' Maybe we had no coherent strategy? Maybe we never knew or understood how to handle the race issue or Obama's rock star status -- other than bitch about him being a 'celebrity?' Maybe we ran McCain's campaign into the ground? Maybe he ran his campaign into the ground? The man wouldn't even work on weekends. Maybe it was because all we had were stunts and tactics but no real transformative ideas? Maybe Obama's digital and we're analog? Maybe Obama's a Mac and we're a PC? Maybe we suck?"

And if they'd ask themseves these questions they would know the truth.

You're a bunch of sour losing sons-of-bitches who, rather than be introspective and use this time to figure out where the hell you went wrong, chose to blame the bitch, the oldest routine in the book. You've already branded Palin with a scarlet letter "C" for campaign wrecker when -- j' accuse! -- It was you, all of you, McCain from the top down, complicit in this catagory five failure of temperment and judgment. The people wanted change. You couldn't offer it so you simply ripped off the word and started calling yourselves "the Original Mavericks." You went narrow when you should have made a play for the center. You picked up lame attacks that made little to no dent once the defening sound of the housing crisis imploding and Wall Street crashing came down.

Palin may have gone off script, been opportunistic, been a dim bulb, but it was the McCain campaign who was paraded her around like their new prize pony. Who sprung her from obscurity to infamy. Then you get mad because the prize pony is a "maverick" and just does "whatever." She doesn't read things. She's out for self. As I said before. If I was the lummox, I would be too. As repellent as I found her views, she was being used by the McCain campaign to ignite a recalcitrant base, and they got that.

They just lost everyone else.

That's how gambling works, McCain and anonymous McCain staffers. When you throw the die and it comes up snake eyes you don't curse the dice. You gave fate a roll and she bum-rolled you, Rick-rolled you, sushi rolled you. As The Stranger said in The Big Lebowski, "Sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes, well, he eats you."

The "bar" just fucking ate you because of your incompetence. Deal with it! Get therapy!

And McCain? To stand silent while your running mate's legend as a moron increases is really classy, and I say "classy" as in not classy at all. It reveals your true character. Are you that compassionate, magnanimous loser from Tuesday night or are you the son of a bitch who can't say, "Knock it off, people I hired! We lost! Sarah's flawed, but the blame is shared and the bulk of it lies with me." But instead we get ... silence.

I thought she was was ready to be your vice president, Johnny Mac? I thought she was your "soul mate?" Yet there you are in the busted "Stray Talk Express" pretending to look the other way as your staffers hogtie her to the ground so you can accidently run her over a few times.

Yes, she's cocky. Yes, she's a know-nothing. But she was YOUR know-nothing. You picked the Alaska disasta.' She was your one real chance to show your executive decision making ability and you came up craps. Well, tough titty, Senator. Stand up, stand behind, stand somewhere on your decisions. Admit that it's not her, it was you. Even if you hate her. Even if you wouldn't talk to her for most of those two months. Even though you both could read the writing on the wall. You wanted your pitbull in a skirt. You wanted this dinner of regret and crow, knowing now you will never be president, knowing you were destroyed by your own bad decisions on top of the failures of the Bush Administration and hundreds of other Republican politicians and operatives.

Invite your little bitter ones to your royal feast and tell them all to shut the hell up. While making Palin look bad, they are making themselves and their former boss look ever more the worse.

Personal responsibility shouldn't just be a political catchphrase every four years. Learn it. Love it. Live it. Practice what you preached, Republicans. Show. Don't tell.

The Palin Crank Call: It's Real ... Real Sad

When a reader sent me a shout on Facebook about this story I just knew it had to be a hoax. Unfortunately for Republican veep candidate Sarah Palin, it is not. She got Punk'd by some wacky Canadian comics.

Oh Canada, indeed!

Posing as French President Nicolas Sarkozy, the Masked Avengers got all kinds of Crank Yankers on their Alaskan neighbor and it quickly goes from funny to sad to scary as no matter how out of bounds the duo gets Palin does seem to realize she's being played. Even when they bring up the "documentary"/Larry Flint porno starring her doppelganger or banging Sarkozy's model/pop star wife Carla Bruni, she just keeps agreeing and going along until they finally fess up to who they are.

Gawker's Alex Carnevale writes, "From the sound of it, even the Masked Avengers got a little spooked at how seriously they're being taken here."

Globe and Mail has the transcript and the sad, sad details.

An excerpt:

A: Thank you very much. You know my wife Carla would love to meet you, even though you know she was a bit jealous that I was supposed to speak to you today.

P: Well, give her a big hug for me.

A: You know my wife is a popular singer and a former top model and she's so hot in bed. She even wrote a song for you.

P: Oh my goodness, I didn't know that.

A: Yes, in French it's called de rouge a levre sur un cochon, or if you prefer in English, Joe the Plumber...it's his life, Joe the Plumber.

P: Maybe she understands some of the unfair criticism but I bet you she is such a hard worker, too, and she realizes you just plow through that criticism.

A: I just want to be sure. That phenomenon Joe the Plumber. That's not your husband, right?

P: That's not my husband but he's a normal American who just works hard and doesn't want government to take his money.

A: Yes, yes, I understand we have the equivalent of Joe the Plumber in France. It's called Marcel, the guy with bread under his armpit.

For the record, Canada:1, Palin: 0.

SNL Goes B-A-N-A-N-A-S With John McCain, Keith Olbermann, Tina Fey, Ben Affleck, The View and more

I don't know if taking time out for Saturday Night Live in the middle of a heated campaign was a smooth move for John McCain, but it was a hilarious move.

Reliving some of his SNL glory days, John McCain did a great parody of John McCain (including the nervous blinking, but I don't think he was doing that on purpose), with Tina Fey as Sarah Palin, perfect as ever ... going rogue by threatening to never leave the national stage. It's either the White House or "the white Oprah." Brava and bravo, Fey and McCain.

McCain was also pretty good on the Weekend Update segment introducing new political moves like "The Double Maverick" and "The Sad Grandpa" in which he said the strategy was to whine that Obama would have plenty of chances to be president and it was McCain's turn. Once again, what will SNL do once this is all over? The comedy show will be doing a special election episode on Monday on NBC.

The show also had some fun at MSNBC's Keith Olbermann expense. The sketch was a bit wordy and ran long (just like My Fair Keithy). It was also more than eight minutes and starred the evenings co-host Ben Affleck who kept cracking himself up while trying to shout all his lines. It eventually hit the funny button hard when Affleck did a cheesy send up of Olbermann's sometimes self-righteous "Special Comments" by making it about him trying to get a three bedroom apartment that wouldn't take him because he owned a cat. A fluffy, white, fey as all get out, cat.

There was even a sketch of "The View" and while it wasn't as good as the above three, if you closed your eyes Kristen Wiig's Elisabeth Hasselbeck was so good it was horrifying. Fred Armisen's Joy Behar was both right and wrong and one-dimensional and Joy's not that bad. As for Kennan, your Whoopi sucked, but you're the only black person on the show. I guess you can only do so much with what they give you. And Casey New Girl What's Your Face? That was a Jennifer Aniston parody? Was that the ONLY celeb they could think for you to do (or the only celeb you could do)? Lame, new girl. Very lame.

John McCain As Rodney Dangerfield

He can't get no respect! The man with the nom de guerre "Joe the Plumber" was a no show at a John McCain rally Thursday not helping Senator Walnut Cheeks on bit. CNN's The Situation Room reported the campaign had the crowd all hyped because Sam Wurzelbacher, aka "Joe the Plumber" was supposed to be in the audience. But he wasn't. In fact he was a complete no show because:

A) He canceled on the campaign and McCain's aides didn't get the news to Johnny Mac in time

B) The campaign never confirmed with Wurzelbacher about him being at the rally

Wurzelbacher, according to CNN, put it all on the McCain campaign, claiming they asked him about it, but never followed up. When the staff tried to fix things by arranging for Joe to attend a later rally, Wurzelbacher shut-in-down, miffed about his name being brought up at the earlier rally when he was not there. But all the kinks were worked out in the end, and Wurzelbacher and McCain eventually shared the stage for the same time.

Did I ever mention how insanely dumb I think all this Joe Plumber/Wurzelbacher stuff is? Never mind ...

Considering that Joe is doing everything from flacking (poorly) on FOX News for McCain to possibly cutting a country album, Joe is pimping his 15 minutes to the max.

“Joe” — aka Samuel Wurzelbacher, a Holland, Ohio, pipe-and-toilet man — just signed with a Nashville public relations and management firm to handle interview requests and media appearances, as well as create new career opportunities, including a shift out of the plumbing trade into stage and studio performances.

On Tuesday, Wurzelbacher joined country music artist and producer Aaron Tippin to form a new partnership that includes booking-management firm Bobby Roberts and publicity-management concern The Press Office to field the multiple media offers he’s received over the past few weeks. (Politico)

Whoo, boy, said Sarah Palin to herself, who's the diva now?

But Jon Stewart tried to warn his ol' friend Sen. John McCain about plucking random folks from obscurity and making them surrogates.

New Obama Ad Slams Palin Pick

I like how they went with the debate footage that made Gov. Sarah Palin look the most batshit insane. You betcha! Anyone know if this is going to air in battleground states or just on the Web?

Extended Rant: Stephen Colbert On The George Will Revolt

It seems the brain of the Republican Party is now horrified at the monster they helped create. Where will they go now? David Frum, David Brooks, Scott McClellan, Christopher Buckley, Christopher Hitchens, Peggy Noonan, Kathleen Parker, Charles Krauthammer (even though he still hates Obama), ringleader George Will -- the list goes on and on and they all blame, Alaskan Snow Bride Sarah Palin, but as Colbert drolly points out -- really? The party's been off the rails for years now. This is the excuse you're using?

On Larry King Live last night Larry King and CNN political map guru John King mentioned that the rift over Palin could lead to a break-up of the party. When Larry King asked the female Republicans on his panel about this I agreed with them in that I don't see this happening.

But I do see a mass purging coming if John McCain loses (or wins). A sort of Spanish Inquisition for modern conservatives, only instead of being drawn and quartered or waterboarded, they'll just be exiled to Berkley, Calif. or Greenwich Village, NY or the other anti-America parts of America.

I hope you like Gay Pride parades and spoken word poets, Peggy Noonan. Wherever those exist is where the RNC is setting up the concentration camps.

Snob Rant: The Grand Old Freak-Out

Someone won't stop hitting the Sarah Palin panic button at McCain headquarters and the giant screeching noise is giving me a headache

When all this Republican caterwauling over Sarah Palin ruining everything began a few weeks ago little did I know that it would get this far.

For the first time since never, a political party has begun its "pre-blame game" for a loss that hasn't even taken place yet.

I blame the yellow bellies of The George Will Revolt. They kicked off this kvetching, leading to multitudes of smarty-pants, conservative-to-moderate noodle-noses balking over marching to the Sarah Palin drum.

They'd choked down their George W. Bush Boones Farm and pretended like it was Chablis, but they were not sucking down this latest batch of Palin Political-Wine-in-A-Box.

They went to Harvard. They are simply better than this ... all of a sudden.

Watching columnists, politicos, pundits and authors suddenly bolt from the McCain-Palin Pox has been amazing. Individuals who normally would have held their noses and voted McCain for King of America for All Eternity over "pick-a-Democrat-any-Democrat" are scrunchie-faced because they refuse to share a cheerleading section with Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Kellyanne Fitzpatrick Conway. The nerve!

Oh, now you don't like the Blonde Fembots for Freedom and their candidate of choice? You are soooo getting put in their slam book, Peggy Noonan!

Then there are the staffers, the back-biting, shark-jumping, whiny staffers, leaking words like "whack job" and "diva" to the press, who are basically accusing Palin of being the causation of the entire downfall of the ticket, party and possibly the industrial world. She just cruised in wearing a tiara and playing a flute, taking a wrecking ball to it all.

Really, noodle-noses? Really?

While I can't stand anything about Gov. Palin, the Maybe it's a pitbull, Maybe it's Maybelline cadidate, is not the cause of The Great GOP Panic of 2008.

She is a mere symptom.

The "panic" is a McCain-Bush production based purely on Bush having the opposite of the Midas touch and McCain tying himself to Bush post-2004 when the senator finally stopped hating Junior just long enough to realize he wanted to be president that badly.

Let's be real here -- John McCain PICKED Sarah Palin. Palin did not hop on Todd's snow machine with her five kids, future grandchild, governorship, a six pack of Schlitz and a sawed off shotgun (hand on pump, of course) and demand Mr. Walnut Cheeks to put her on the ticket. She was chillin' in Anchorage where no one knew her from Adam as the longest of longshots while Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty and Charlie Crist took turns holding the bowl of ice water McCain soaks his balls in while reciting the most famous line from Grey's Anatomy over and over: "Pick me. Choose me. Love me."

It didn't matter if they'd seen McCain and Sen. Joe Lieberman holding hands the other day. McCain needed a pro-lifer and everyone in that trio loved life ... especially if it began and ended on Pennsylvania Avenue. Crist was willing to enter a loveless marriage ... with a woman! It was that serious! So poor pitiful McCain had options and he went with a little Northern Lights "Razzle Dazzle."

Now Gov. Crist has extended poll hours in Florida from eight-a-day to 12. Apparently he is ignoring his "please do your best to suppress the vote turnout" memo.

But if the McCain campaign thinks Palin is some hick albatross they can to dress up to the tune of $150,000 only to hang this screeching, screaming, faltering massive Republican freak-out on her, they are sadly mistaken. No sir! You will NOT blame the Caribou Barbie for this! Every time you point one finger at the failed sportscaster you point three more back at you.

If I were Sarah Palin, I'd be looking out for number one like I legally changed my name to Ocho Cinco. She may not be an intellectual, but she's no numb-nuts. She can see the-powers-that-be within the McCain campaign measuring the noose for "a long drop with a short stop" just for her after the election. Why not go rogue when you know John McCain was only using you as disgruntled Clintonista/Jesus Freak bait anyway? It's Operation Chaos, baby. Yukon style.

Palin is doing one of my favorite "wronged woman" routines -- The Bitch Who Would Not Die. (Sometimes also known as The Bitch Who Would Not Leave. Just think Angelina Jolie in every movie she's ever been in and of Jennifer Holiday singing "And I Am Telling You" from the original Broadway production of Dreamgirls.)

The phrase refers to that point in the book, soap opera, movie or life story where everyone has decided that a particular woman is horrible and should just go away for the bettermint of everyone, but that woman looks back and screams nothing but Efie White until she either gets carted away or starts getting AWESOME.

Now, I don't want this to go "awesome" for Palin. I want this to end with her vice presidential dreams dying quite abruptly on Nov. 4. But until then, I want to see her go out in a psychotic blaze of glory. Don't wait for General Sherman and his army to show up and burn your proverbial Atlanta to the ground when you can torch that sucker yourself! Burn, baby, burn, Sarah Palin! Go so "Rogue*" you start hanging out with Stan Lee, wearing yellow and green jumpsuits. Dye a long white streak in your auburn hair and accessorize all your Anchorage consignment shop suits with full-length leather gloves as you purge the posh money Republicans, centrists and Colin Powells from the party.

There's only one way McCain can make the potential election loss on stick to My Fair Veep. McCain would have to capitulate again, join The George Will Revolt, denounce himself and cheer on as the GOP burns with Palin as the last woman standing, fatally destroying her chances of a second act.

Of course, McCain quitting would STILL make her crashing and burning and going "oh what a world!" John McCain's fault, but it might distract a few people.

Or he could concede. I suggest he consider it.

*And, yes. That is my second X-Men reference for the week. And, yes, when not being a snob, I am a nerd. And no, Todd cannot be Gambit even if Todd kind of looks like Gambit with short hair. He's not from the Bayou and he's not Cajun and I've revealed enough of my nerdom for TODAY!

He Wants to Move

Finally. Someone put together two of my greatest loves ... B-boys and politics. I'm in satirical heaven.

MY FRIENDS! IT'S ON!

Thanks, Teferri!

It's Official: The Election Is Freaking Me Out

Image from reader Tammy

I'm a little nervous.

And not because I think my sweet Hopey McChangey is going to lose. Au contraire, mon amie! Many Democrats keep uttering things like "landslide." America has been a 51-49 nation since the Culture Wars began and commonfolk could be divided along class and tribal lines. Such as, by nature of their needs, you'd think poor white people and poor black people would band together to fight their circumstances, but the teachings of Tim Wise would prove otherwise.

Culture Wars, re: ignorance and racism, trump common sense every time.

Or does it. And that's what freaks me out. Since the economy discombobulated all over us, the Obama Campaign has been on fire. Smoother than smooth. Calmer than calm and quicker than quick in recognizing and dealing with problems that most Democrats don't fight until after the fact.

Like poor and minority voters having their rights disenfranchised. Launching a team of lawyers to fight voter suppression in lieu of the looming election. The Colin Powell endorsement, huge no matter how hard some right wingers must trash a man they thought was their "pet Negro," but, as I've said before, if they'd ever actually listened to him talk about his reality they would have figured out long ago, Powell is no one's pet.

And the South shall rise again ... but for Obama? In Virginia? Once the seat of the Confederacy, it's residents are so dissatisfied that they're considering to go the way of The Great Black Hopemongerer? North Carolina? Talks of Obama using this "I'm rich, bitch!" donation stash to start making inroads in Georgia?

Georgia? The one Sherman burnt to the ground?

The state polls show he's more than closing in, he is beating down. He's neck-and-neck in Ohio and Missouri. He's leading in Florida where the Sarah Palin pick has gone over like a lead balloon with the fiscally conservative (but not too keen on the cultural conservatives) Jewish voters. Plus, her church participated in hosting a "Jews for Jesus" group. If you want to creep out a Jew who loves being a Jew, start hanging out with Jews for Jesus, which many Jews believe is a "peaceful" extenuation of the Holocaust.

Yeah. The shit is that deep.

John McCain is on defense, offense, the fence, fighting a trench war he only recently prepared for. The Obama campaign has been on the ground in ever state mobilizing for more than a year. Two years in some cases. Johnny Mac is a Johnny-Come-Lately, as he fights for Pennsylvania despite an 11 point Obama lead.

What the hell is going on? There are rumors that Obama plans to take his fight right to McCain's front door of Arizona, where the senator is up by 11. There are rumors that McCain, with his shrinkage -- re: funding shrinkage -- may abandon Colorado, where Obama is up by 5 points.

Next to falling off a stage a la Bob Dole, McCain is doing almost every thing he can to help Obama overcome the Bradley Effect and get into the White House and I salute the flyboys efforts, but I'm freaked out all the same.

The Democrats are "winning," people. The Democrats haven't done winning in decades. Save that brief respite called the Clinton Years (which were full of prosperity and filthy oral copulation), it's been a Democratic drought. Now we're facing the possibility of ANOTHER political monopoly, this time -- Donkey Kong style.

I'm interested if they'll go mad with power like the Republicans did, or if they'll maintain some semblance of common sense? Who am I kidding? Those sons (and daughters) of bitches want revenge. Even I want a taste. If they get the majority, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi will morph into "The Punisher," black skull T-shirt at all.

But what scares me, with all the success looming, with everything going the Left's way, but we've seen this movie before.

How will the Democratic Party fuck up this time? They've botched so many elections. What possible scenarios are the DNC and the Obama Campaign over looking that they need to check their list twice on? November 4th could be a dream OR a nightmare. If the Dems mess up this time what is the most likely scenario (other than Mad Dog Joe Biden saying crazy things) to come to pass and how can we prevent it from becoming "deja vu all over again?"