Rick Santorum Is All Up In Your Elections, Stealing Your Non-Binding Delegates

Adding to the bizarreness of an already bizarre GOP race for a presidential nominee, Rick Santorum won three non-binding Republican contests in Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado. No one gets any delegates. (Missouri's contest was a "beauty pageant" the other 76 ethereal delegates up for grabs between Minnesota and Colorado are mired in some procedural gobbly-gook.) But more valuable than that, the winner gets an extended media narrative! Yes! Today is Rick Santorum's day to demand that people pay attention to him and his win and not "blah, blah why does everyone hate Mittens?"

But seriously, the press asks, "Why does everyone HATE Mittens?"

Click to read more ...

Mitt Romney Wants to Ruin "America The Beautiful" For You (Video)

Why are you doing this to me, man?* Why are you doing this to yourself?

Mitt Romney won't stop singing/ruining "America, the Beautiful," one of the best and most beloved songs from the Great American Songbook. I think he thinks singing it constantly looks patriotic rather than pandering and pathetic. But if you're going to turn every campaign stop into Country Bear Jamboree you need to actually be competent in carrying a tune.

Click to read more ...

Going Newt-clear In Florida, Romney Surges Ahead Vote

Today's the day of the Florida Republican Primary! (Although early voting has been going on for a bit and more than half-a-million votes were cast before today.) Although its still (technically) a four-man race, Rick Santorum is tending to a sick daughter and Ron Paul is focusing on greener primary pastures. That just leaves your unloveable front-runners, Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich.

And Mittens is in the lead ... (for now).

That lead didn't come easy, since Gingrich was on the rise after race-baiting his way into a South Carolina win. But will a poor debate performance from Gingrich and a lot of passive aggressive "Isn't that so sad that Newt Gingrich is so unfaithful and pathetic? He just can't help it!" from Romney.

Click to read more ...

Gingrich: Adultery Makes Me More Human Than Mitt "Only Sexes Up His Wife" Romney

Can you see past a weakness so hard that it turns into a strength? Presidential wannabe Newt Gingrich tried to pull that off in an interview with CBN's David Brody where Gingrich tried to spin his "past weaknesses" as making him more "human" than everyone's favorite Republican Robot, Mitt Romney.

Click to read more ...

GOP Establishment Realizes Hurricane Newt Is Coming For Landfall

There's another GOP debate tonight! Batter the hatches! 

They thought he was dead. They thought they killed him in Iowa. They thought wrong. Newt Gingrich is back, baby! And like the awful B-Movie he is, he's out for revenge. At first it was just about teaching that damn Mittens a lesson, but the Newtster messed around and race-baited his way into a South Carolina primary win. Then Mittens lost Iowa several weeks after winning it. And now it's all come up Gingrich. Even an old sex scandal couldn't stop him. He just kept swinging and won't go down.

If I didn't find the man completely repugnant I'd almost admire his audacity.

Click to read more ...

Mitt Romney Wants You To Know How Awful Newt Gingrich Is

Newt Gingrich. Did you know that he's an awful old curr who gets run out of Congress by his own party, took a whole lot of money to become an ... ahem ... "influence peddler" and is probably eye-balling wife No. 4 somewhere in the crowd? What? You already knew that? Hmmm. What if Mitt Romney shouts that a little louder? Does that help? Will that make people stop voting for Newt, who recently creamed Romney, beating him by double-digits in the racially tinged, bitter South Carolina primary?

Hahaha. No. Because the problem many GOP voters are having is that while Newt Gingrich is a duplicitous character, Romney isn't exactly "Dream Date" material either.

Click to read more ...

Colbert Super PAC Labels Romney: "Mitt the Ripper" (Video)

What I love about this is that if I didn't know this was an elaborate stunt to point out how ridiculous our campaign financing laws are put together by comedians Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart there's a good chance I'd think this was a for-really real ad. It's no less hysterical that what's passing for attacks these days. Dare I say it -- this satire is almost too good. (YouTube)

Jon Huntsman Picks Up Toys, Goes Home; Romney Hands Out Cash

Jon Hunstman, the Republican president candidate who could never shake that "Obama hired me to be Ambassador to China," moderate conservative stink off himself, dropped out of the GOP race today. Huntsman, naturally, endorsed the man who he most resembled without all the complications of being a horrible phony -- Mittens Romney.

Mittens, known for his robotic qualities and pathological inconsistencies was somewhere in South Carolina giving a poor black woman $60 in cash. It was a perfect storm of annoyances -- from the optics of a black person getting an actual "hand-out," to reinforcing the ideology that occasional donations from Daddy Warbucks should take care of our poor and not a strong social safety net built on our tax dollars, to reinforcing the belief that all poor, begging people are black people.

Click to read more ...

New Hampshire: Ugh. Is Mittens The Nominee Yet?

So New Hampshire held the first primary of the 2012 election season (for those playing at home Iowa was a "caucus"), and Mitt Romney won by a healthy 39 percent.

Meaning, Romney is still the front-runner, still the "inevitable" nominee, still destined to go up against incumbent President Barack Obama in the fall. Oh, goody.

Unfortunately, sanity hasn't quite yet returned to the process and how could it? The GOP nominee is still this smarmy, punchable, grown up Richie Rich making $10,000 bets and calling corporations people and talking about how he hates to run out of pink slips. (Or maybe he was afraid to get a pink slip? I dunno. How do you get fired when you're the boss? Can God make an object so heavy even He can't pick it up? Mind-boggles.)

Click to read more ...