Wednesday I heard that my favorite St. Louisian-turned-fashion model homeskillet (Florissant, Mo. STAND UP!) Kimora Lee Simmons was leaving Baby Phat, the fashion label she founded with former hubby, woodland gnome and defender of street "poets" Russell Simmons. Naturally, I was surprised. Why would Kiki leave the house that Kiki built? Well, Page Six says the diva cost too much money and used up all the damn Photoshop. Shocking ... well, not really. Kimora loves her some Photoshop.
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While the Onion's AV Club joked "Oops. Kimora Lee Simmons used up all the Photoshop!" on their Hater blog, I cannot bring myself to hate my beloved, Kiki. She is from my hometown of Florissant, Mo. (It's in St. Louis County). And yes, she is tacky, but in such a delightful, St. Louis, crazy Asian Black girl sort of way. How can I not love her? Somewhere, underneath all my nerdiness and fussiness, is a tacky black girl trying to get out and wear the loudest colors possible and Photoshop my head on some Barbie doll's body. Of course, I save my "Tacky Black Girl" shit for things like eating Velveeta in the dark, admiring bedazzeled things from afar and reciting that line from Nelly's "Hot In Herre," where he describes how sometimes you dance while watching yourself in the mirror and tell your best friend, "Gurl, I think my butt gettin' big!" And then I call up Baby Snob and we use lots of sweary words that don't reflect AT ALL on our classy upbringing. And then Big Sis and I discuss what is the best track ever produced by Cameo. ("Candy" is the shizzz.) I also enjoy turnip greens and a nice, bold, fakey looking French manicure from time-to-time. Sue me. I can't hate on Kimora. If I was eleventy feet tall and had that face I probably would be doing the same damn thing and would be absolutely shameless. Plus, she's schtupping that handsome Djimon Hounsou, which has to be some kind of fancy consolation prize after schtupping Russell Simmons. (I know love -- or just money -- can blind you, but it can't make you THAT blind!) I just ... I just can't hate her. Sigh. And I really, really tried. (Even though I kinda didn't.)
Oh, Russell. Is there anything you won't sell? You practically have a PhD in Hustlenomics. Hell, you might have helped invent it. And Kiki! Is that YOU in the ad lending your grinning, ex-supermodel face? I'll cut you some slack because we all know you probably took that photo from the window of the car as you circled through the drive through while picking up your monthly check from Russ. That said, the card has some ... um ... hidden drama according to critics, in the form of $50 a year in fees. (Source: The Takeaway)