John McCain As Rodney Dangerfield

He can't get no respect! The man with the nom de guerre "Joe the Plumber" was a no show at a John McCain rally Thursday not helping Senator Walnut Cheeks on bit. CNN's The Situation Room reported the campaign had the crowd all hyped because Sam Wurzelbacher, aka "Joe the Plumber" was supposed to be in the audience. But he wasn't. In fact he was a complete no show because:

A) He canceled on the campaign and McCain's aides didn't get the news to Johnny Mac in time

B) The campaign never confirmed with Wurzelbacher about him being at the rally

Wurzelbacher, according to CNN, put it all on the McCain campaign, claiming they asked him about it, but never followed up. When the staff tried to fix things by arranging for Joe to attend a later rally, Wurzelbacher shut-in-down, miffed about his name being brought up at the earlier rally when he was not there. But all the kinks were worked out in the end, and Wurzelbacher and McCain eventually shared the stage for the same time.

Did I ever mention how insanely dumb I think all this Joe Plumber/Wurzelbacher stuff is? Never mind ...

Considering that Joe is doing everything from flacking (poorly) on FOX News for McCain to possibly cutting a country album, Joe is pimping his 15 minutes to the max.

“Joe” — aka Samuel Wurzelbacher, a Holland, Ohio, pipe-and-toilet man — just signed with a Nashville public relations and management firm to handle interview requests and media appearances, as well as create new career opportunities, including a shift out of the plumbing trade into stage and studio performances.

On Tuesday, Wurzelbacher joined country music artist and producer Aaron Tippin to form a new partnership that includes booking-management firm Bobby Roberts and publicity-management concern The Press Office to field the multiple media offers he’s received over the past few weeks. (Politico)

Whoo, boy, said Sarah Palin to herself, who's the diva now?

But Jon Stewart tried to warn his ol' friend Sen. John McCain about plucking random folks from obscurity and making them surrogates.

The Economist Endorses Obama

Apparently the magazine didn't get the memo on Barry being a "spread the wealth," socialist, anti-capitalist red. Shame when that happens. Obviously McCain Campaign flack Tucker Bounds is not doing his job in getting the smears out n' stickin'.

From The Economist:

(T)his cannot be another election where the choice is based merely on fear. In terms of painting a brighter future for America and the world, Mr Obama has produced the more compelling and detailed portrait. He has campaigned with more style, intelligence and discipline than his opponent. Whether he can fulfil his immense potential remains to be seen. But Mr Obama deserves the presidency.

This doesn't mean The Economist is in love with Obama. They're concerned about how he'll handle the Congressional Democrats if they start pushing protectionist economic policies and acknowledge that he doesn't have a lengthy resume to do extensive tea leaf readings on. But like many members of The George Will Revolt, The Economist's editors couldn't get over how different the John McCain of 2008 was from the John McCain of 2000. And Gov. Sarah Palin? She almost made them spit up their blackberries and brie.

The choice of Sarah Palin epitomised the sloppiness. It is not just that she is an unconvincing stand-in, nor even that she seems to have been chosen partly for her views on divisive social issues, notably abortion. Mr McCain made his most important appointment having met her just twice.

The Republicans really left them with no other choice ... and somewhere Mitt "Mittens" Romney, former governor of Massachusetts, is rubbing his hands together, prepared to pull the lever for Obama -- not because he likes the candidate (Heavens no!), but to make sure it's his economic phoenix who will emerge from the ashes of what he hopes will be a crash and burn one-term presidency to give The Economist the free market, ship your jobs to China, lower your tariffs and raise your dividends, lover candidate she deserves in 2012.

Now he just has to get that woman out of the way.

Obama on The Daily Show

In case you missed it ... more Obama from the All Obama, All Day Show yesterday where Barack managed to be everywhere in Florida at once, got all "we are soooo awesome together" with former President Bill Clinton at a midnight rally, got his infomercial on seven networks, then went live from the infomercial seamlessly, THEN went on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart to crack a little wise and Friday he'll be on The Situation Room with the Wolfman?

Breathtaking.

Oh, and in case they revised it some, this was the official statement from the McCain Campaign via Tucker Bounds on Obama's commercial immediately after it aired Wednesday night:

As anyone who has bought anything from an infomercial knows, the sales-job is always better than the product. Buyer beware.

Awesome. Does this mean all McCain's ads are lies too? Awesome. Thanks, Tucker. Glad to know you couldn't find anything wrong with the commercial either.

Madame Tussauds Puts the Candidates On Wax

Interesting, but will Madame Tussauds of London's wax Barack Obama be as handsomely creeptastic as this one I reported on earlier in the year?

Eerily hot.

Obama's "Variety Half-Hour" Is Tonight

Plus alternative viewing suggestions for the Obama adverse

Once again Barack Obama is raising the chorus of "just who does he think he is" with his latest bit of political gamesmanship.

"No one will delay a World Series game with an infomercial when I'm president," McCain told voters in Pennsylvania, appealing to Phillies fans backing their team in the championship. Fox, scheduled to air the World Series tonight, agreed to delay the game by 15 minutes for Obama's program.

He'll be on a television network near you telling you why he's gonna be your man. Will it be flashy? Will it be moving? Will it be just him talking? Will there be special effects? What's the point in being Tinsletown's candidate of choice if you can't whip out the big cinematic guns? He's already blowing millions on air time. No point in going cheap.

John McCain is doing his McGrumpypants grumbling about how he'd never and this is so presumptuous and blah, blah, blah ... who cares? Everyone knows this is about who has money and who doesn't. Who's on top and who isn't. Just because your opponent won't politely lie down and choke to make up for your shortcomings is no excuse to walk around looking like Mr. Yukmouth. I mean, bringing up some Palestinian American college professor at the 11th hour? One who A) isn't a terrorist, B) hasn't done anything and C) may have been critical of the government of Israel? I have a newsflash: People in ISRAEL are critical of Israel. Are we going to bomb Israel now for not being pro-Israel enough?

That said, I'll be watching Barack tell me what I like to hear, but what if you're not interested in reruns? After all, I'm going to guess that more than 99.9 percent of Snob readers already know who they're voting for and Barack could come on TV with dancing girls riding a unicycle, healing the blind, spitting out $100 bills like an ATM while Bill Clinton dances the ol' soft shoe and you'd still yawn and go "AGAIN? Sigh. I already saw Barack raise the dead and cure lepers in Denver last week!"

So here are some 30 minute programming alternatives for people who DON'T plan on watching The Barack Obama: Hope for A Change Variety Half-Hour at 7 p.m. CST (8 p.m. EST) tonight.

• "Tyler Perry's House of Payne (TBS)" -- I wouldn't watch it. But it will kill 30 minutes!
• "Pushing Daisies (ABC)" -- ABC passed on showing Obama's commercial and instead want you to watch "Pushing Daisies," yet another victim of the writer's strike. It had good ratings ... once. Don't you want to watch a show about a pie baker who can bring dead things to life and re-kill them by touching them? It's supposed to be a whimsical and stuff? I wouldn't watch it. It doesn't involve hot doctors who can't keep their pants on or Vanessa Williams being a vamp or hot people trapped in a mindfuck TV show about a sci-fi island. Sorry ABC.
• "House Rerun (USA)" -- You could watch Hugh Laurie abuse people! That's always fun! It's the "Daddy's Boy" episode where he tries to avoid having dinner with his parents. There's also some annoying sick person who needs saving. The usual.
• "Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (AMC)" -- Can't further from politics than one of the worst horror films ever made.
• "NBA: Suns versus Spurs (ESPN)" -- I don't like either of those teams. I'm a Golden State, Lakers girl.
• Cable News -- Regular CNN will give you Campbell Brown talking about Obama's show. CNN Headline News will give you Nancy Grace talking about dead and/or missing white woman and/or child of the week! Keith Olbermann will be on "Countdown" (talking about Obama effusively and with no shame to his pleasure.) and Bill O'Reilly will be in his "no spin zone" giving his spin on Obama on "The O'Reilly Factor" on FOX News.
• "VH1's 100 Greatest Hip Hop Songs (VH1)" -- How long has VH1 been nothing but reality shows and lists?
• "Paris Hilton's My New BFF" (MTV) -- Paris Hilton still needs friends apparently.
• "Law & Order Rerun (TNT)" -- They're showing a 2006 episode involving a dead mafia accountant. I think I've seen that one ten or 12 times, so I'm passing.
• "Clean House (Style)" -- Support Nicey Nash and the flower in her hair!
• "Dr. 90210 (E!)" -- Plastic surgery on egomaniacs!
  
• "Miami Drug Cartel (NGC)" -- Ooo ... say hello to my real life little friend in this tale of cocaine and violence.
• "Honey (Oh!)" -- Jessica Alba. Watch her with the sound turned down. The acting? Not good.
  
• "Aliens (FMC)" -- Fox Movie Channel is showing the only good movie I've seen coming on at the same time when Barack opens his mouth, the original "Aliens" and it's still as creepy as it was when it first came out in the late 1970s.
  

Check your listings!

Snob Rant: The Grand Old Freak-Out

Someone won't stop hitting the Sarah Palin panic button at McCain headquarters and the giant screeching noise is giving me a headache

When all this Republican caterwauling over Sarah Palin ruining everything began a few weeks ago little did I know that it would get this far.

For the first time since never, a political party has begun its "pre-blame game" for a loss that hasn't even taken place yet.

I blame the yellow bellies of The George Will Revolt. They kicked off this kvetching, leading to multitudes of smarty-pants, conservative-to-moderate noodle-noses balking over marching to the Sarah Palin drum.

They'd choked down their George W. Bush Boones Farm and pretended like it was Chablis, but they were not sucking down this latest batch of Palin Political-Wine-in-A-Box.

They went to Harvard. They are simply better than this ... all of a sudden.

Watching columnists, politicos, pundits and authors suddenly bolt from the McCain-Palin Pox has been amazing. Individuals who normally would have held their noses and voted McCain for King of America for All Eternity over "pick-a-Democrat-any-Democrat" are scrunchie-faced because they refuse to share a cheerleading section with Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Kellyanne Fitzpatrick Conway. The nerve!

Oh, now you don't like the Blonde Fembots for Freedom and their candidate of choice? You are soooo getting put in their slam book, Peggy Noonan!

Then there are the staffers, the back-biting, shark-jumping, whiny staffers, leaking words like "whack job" and "diva" to the press, who are basically accusing Palin of being the causation of the entire downfall of the ticket, party and possibly the industrial world. She just cruised in wearing a tiara and playing a flute, taking a wrecking ball to it all.

Really, noodle-noses? Really?

While I can't stand anything about Gov. Palin, the Maybe it's a pitbull, Maybe it's Maybelline cadidate, is not the cause of The Great GOP Panic of 2008.

She is a mere symptom.

The "panic" is a McCain-Bush production based purely on Bush having the opposite of the Midas touch and McCain tying himself to Bush post-2004 when the senator finally stopped hating Junior just long enough to realize he wanted to be president that badly.

Let's be real here -- John McCain PICKED Sarah Palin. Palin did not hop on Todd's snow machine with her five kids, future grandchild, governorship, a six pack of Schlitz and a sawed off shotgun (hand on pump, of course) and demand Mr. Walnut Cheeks to put her on the ticket. She was chillin' in Anchorage where no one knew her from Adam as the longest of longshots while Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty and Charlie Crist took turns holding the bowl of ice water McCain soaks his balls in while reciting the most famous line from Grey's Anatomy over and over: "Pick me. Choose me. Love me."

It didn't matter if they'd seen McCain and Sen. Joe Lieberman holding hands the other day. McCain needed a pro-lifer and everyone in that trio loved life ... especially if it began and ended on Pennsylvania Avenue. Crist was willing to enter a loveless marriage ... with a woman! It was that serious! So poor pitiful McCain had options and he went with a little Northern Lights "Razzle Dazzle."

Now Gov. Crist has extended poll hours in Florida from eight-a-day to 12. Apparently he is ignoring his "please do your best to suppress the vote turnout" memo.

But if the McCain campaign thinks Palin is some hick albatross they can to dress up to the tune of $150,000 only to hang this screeching, screaming, faltering massive Republican freak-out on her, they are sadly mistaken. No sir! You will NOT blame the Caribou Barbie for this! Every time you point one finger at the failed sportscaster you point three more back at you.

If I were Sarah Palin, I'd be looking out for number one like I legally changed my name to Ocho Cinco. She may not be an intellectual, but she's no numb-nuts. She can see the-powers-that-be within the McCain campaign measuring the noose for "a long drop with a short stop" just for her after the election. Why not go rogue when you know John McCain was only using you as disgruntled Clintonista/Jesus Freak bait anyway? It's Operation Chaos, baby. Yukon style.

Palin is doing one of my favorite "wronged woman" routines -- The Bitch Who Would Not Die. (Sometimes also known as The Bitch Who Would Not Leave. Just think Angelina Jolie in every movie she's ever been in and of Jennifer Holiday singing "And I Am Telling You" from the original Broadway production of Dreamgirls.)

The phrase refers to that point in the book, soap opera, movie or life story where everyone has decided that a particular woman is horrible and should just go away for the bettermint of everyone, but that woman looks back and screams nothing but Efie White until she either gets carted away or starts getting AWESOME.

Now, I don't want this to go "awesome" for Palin. I want this to end with her vice presidential dreams dying quite abruptly on Nov. 4. But until then, I want to see her go out in a psychotic blaze of glory. Don't wait for General Sherman and his army to show up and burn your proverbial Atlanta to the ground when you can torch that sucker yourself! Burn, baby, burn, Sarah Palin! Go so "Rogue*" you start hanging out with Stan Lee, wearing yellow and green jumpsuits. Dye a long white streak in your auburn hair and accessorize all your Anchorage consignment shop suits with full-length leather gloves as you purge the posh money Republicans, centrists and Colin Powells from the party.

There's only one way McCain can make the potential election loss on stick to My Fair Veep. McCain would have to capitulate again, join The George Will Revolt, denounce himself and cheer on as the GOP burns with Palin as the last woman standing, fatally destroying her chances of a second act.

Of course, McCain quitting would STILL make her crashing and burning and going "oh what a world!" John McCain's fault, but it might distract a few people.

Or he could concede. I suggest he consider it.

*And, yes. That is my second X-Men reference for the week. And, yes, when not being a snob, I am a nerd. And no, Todd cannot be Gambit even if Todd kind of looks like Gambit with short hair. He's not from the Bayou and he's not Cajun and I've revealed enough of my nerdom for TODAY!

He Wants to Move

Finally. Someone put together two of my greatest loves ... B-boys and politics. I'm in satirical heaven.

MY FRIENDS! IT'S ON!

Thanks, Teferri!

McCain Volunteer's "Black Guy Did It!" Tale A Hoax

Hey, 99 percent of the time blaming an anonymous black guy works, but if you're going to whip out "the black guy did it" card you better hope the cops don't ask any follow up questions. Follow up questions really unraveled this farcical story of a John McCain volunteer who claimed she was assaulted physically and sexually by the "big scary black buck" stereotype because of her support for John McCain.

Never mind the guy who allegedly attacked Texas A&M student Ashley Todd sounds like a composite character out of a Donald Goines novel with a hard-on for some "hope" with a side of "change." (Whoreson? Is that you?) She said he carved a "B" onto her face ... backwards, oddly enough. To think, it was malarkey like this that got thousands of people killed and their homes burnt to the ground in places like Rosewood, Fla. almost 75 years ago.

From MSNBC:

PITTSBURGH - A John McCain volunteer in Pittsburgh who said she was robbed and sexually assaulted because of her political views has admitted to fabricating the story, police sources told a TV station.

KDKA TV added that one source said Ashley Todd would face charges.

Police have not formally announced the fabrication, acknowledging only that detectives in the case were meeting with the force's public information officers.

Todd, of College Station, Texas, earlier agreed to take a polygraph test due to inconsistencies.

Among other things, police said photos and bank card information from an automated teller machine where the college student claimed she was robbed do not show her using the machine at the time, police said.

Police said the Todd, who is white, told them she was attacked by a 6-foot-4 black man Wednesday night.

Other differences in her accounts are whether she lost consciousness, whether she remembers handing over money and how the man assaulted her, police said.

In her initial account, Richard said, Todd attempted to use the ATM when the man approached her from behind, put a knife with a 4- to 5-inch blade to her throat and demanded money. She told police she handed the assailant $60 and walked away.

Todd told investigators that she suspected the man then noticed a John McCain sticker on her car, became angry and punched her in the back of the head, knocking her to the ground and telling her "you are going to be a Barack supporter," police said in a statement.

She said he continued to punch and kick her while threatening "to teach her a lesson for being a McCain supporter," police said. She said he then sat on her chest, pinned her hands down with his knees and scratched a backward letter "B" into her face using what she believed to be a dull knife.

The woman told police she didn't seek medical attention, but instead went to a friend's apartment nearby and called police about 45 minutes later.

Gawker, which has also been keeping up with the story has dubbed Todd the "Poor dumb idiot racist kid."

It's Official: The Election Is Freaking Me Out

Image from reader Tammy

I'm a little nervous.

And not because I think my sweet Hopey McChangey is going to lose. Au contraire, mon amie! Many Democrats keep uttering things like "landslide." America has been a 51-49 nation since the Culture Wars began and commonfolk could be divided along class and tribal lines. Such as, by nature of their needs, you'd think poor white people and poor black people would band together to fight their circumstances, but the teachings of Tim Wise would prove otherwise.

Culture Wars, re: ignorance and racism, trump common sense every time.

Or does it. And that's what freaks me out. Since the economy discombobulated all over us, the Obama Campaign has been on fire. Smoother than smooth. Calmer than calm and quicker than quick in recognizing and dealing with problems that most Democrats don't fight until after the fact.

Like poor and minority voters having their rights disenfranchised. Launching a team of lawyers to fight voter suppression in lieu of the looming election. The Colin Powell endorsement, huge no matter how hard some right wingers must trash a man they thought was their "pet Negro," but, as I've said before, if they'd ever actually listened to him talk about his reality they would have figured out long ago, Powell is no one's pet.

And the South shall rise again ... but for Obama? In Virginia? Once the seat of the Confederacy, it's residents are so dissatisfied that they're considering to go the way of The Great Black Hopemongerer? North Carolina? Talks of Obama using this "I'm rich, bitch!" donation stash to start making inroads in Georgia?

Georgia? The one Sherman burnt to the ground?

The state polls show he's more than closing in, he is beating down. He's neck-and-neck in Ohio and Missouri. He's leading in Florida where the Sarah Palin pick has gone over like a lead balloon with the fiscally conservative (but not too keen on the cultural conservatives) Jewish voters. Plus, her church participated in hosting a "Jews for Jesus" group. If you want to creep out a Jew who loves being a Jew, start hanging out with Jews for Jesus, which many Jews believe is a "peaceful" extenuation of the Holocaust.

Yeah. The shit is that deep.

John McCain is on defense, offense, the fence, fighting a trench war he only recently prepared for. The Obama campaign has been on the ground in ever state mobilizing for more than a year. Two years in some cases. Johnny Mac is a Johnny-Come-Lately, as he fights for Pennsylvania despite an 11 point Obama lead.

What the hell is going on? There are rumors that Obama plans to take his fight right to McCain's front door of Arizona, where the senator is up by 11. There are rumors that McCain, with his shrinkage -- re: funding shrinkage -- may abandon Colorado, where Obama is up by 5 points.

Next to falling off a stage a la Bob Dole, McCain is doing almost every thing he can to help Obama overcome the Bradley Effect and get into the White House and I salute the flyboys efforts, but I'm freaked out all the same.

The Democrats are "winning," people. The Democrats haven't done winning in decades. Save that brief respite called the Clinton Years (which were full of prosperity and filthy oral copulation), it's been a Democratic drought. Now we're facing the possibility of ANOTHER political monopoly, this time -- Donkey Kong style.

I'm interested if they'll go mad with power like the Republicans did, or if they'll maintain some semblance of common sense? Who am I kidding? Those sons (and daughters) of bitches want revenge. Even I want a taste. If they get the majority, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi will morph into "The Punisher," black skull T-shirt at all.

But what scares me, with all the success looming, with everything going the Left's way, but we've seen this movie before.

How will the Democratic Party fuck up this time? They've botched so many elections. What possible scenarios are the DNC and the Obama Campaign over looking that they need to check their list twice on? November 4th could be a dream OR a nightmare. If the Dems mess up this time what is the most likely scenario (other than Mad Dog Joe Biden saying crazy things) to come to pass and how can we prevent it from becoming "deja vu all over again?"