Frenchie in the final

Who's going to the Australian Open final? This guy.

I promise I'll write something serious soon, but man, he was so excellent on the court. The way he moved. The passion behind every hit. The way he picked Nadal apart and beat him in three straight sets. I think I might have to break up with James Blake and get an upgrade to Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, the Frenchman who idolizes Muhammad Ali and bears a slight resemblance to him.

That and he is ripped.

To be honest, I wasn't surprised

Roger Federer beat James Blake in three sets. I didn't even watch it after I watched Venus Williams fuck shit up with that horrendous first serve. Not that the other girl was playing great either, she just wasn't as bad as Venus. The Williams sisters vowed to avenge their losses and that no one should be writing the obituaries or dancing on no graves yet.

I believe them. I believe they'll sack it up and get it together. But what about the rest of my Australian Open? What about me? All my favorites are out. All I have left is the hot Frenchman. Go, hot possibly African but probably mixed with something man, go!

Bummer

Well, my girl didn't quite make it.

She broke down in the quarterfinal with Jelena Jankovic. I was naturally bummed. Surprisingly Serena's nemesis Justin Henin got ripped up by Russian hot chick, camera hustler Maria Sharapova. But James Blake is still in it. He's been playing fabulously. Of course, he's playing Roger Federer next. Which would concern me, as James can go from hot to cold at the flick of a wrist. But James has played well so far and Federer has had some tough matches. Both went five sets a few nights back to emerge victorious.

So while R. Fed is intimidating, he's not super human, like, say, the New England Patriots or Tiger Woods. And James is much, much more talented that his win/loss record shows. If James could find consistancy he'd be giving Federer and Nadal a run for their money.

Also, I still have Venus, who is lurking in the semifinals as well. Her play has been kind of wonky, but she's been worse. And Venus on a bad day is still better than half the players in this field. I wouldn't count her out. I'm also keeping an eye on Jo-Wilfried Tsonga of France who made it to the semifinal along with Rafal Nadal. I'll mostly be watching he's kind of hot in a, I have a ridiculous, portruding, Klingon-like brow, sort of way.

Did I ever mention that I love tennis? God! I love tennis! And the hot men of tennis. And the women who deliver a big serve. And the Williams sisters. And even James Blake. I love them, in case you couldn't tell.

James Blake is killing me! (Now updated!)

And not in a good way.

I don't know why I watch him play tennis. I'm watching the US Open and the dude is like a heart attack. One minute he's brilliant. The next he's crap. Then he's brilliant again and then he's down 40-love. Why, my adorable little Ivy League tennis man? Why do you torture me this way. Just kick this Tahitian's ass already!

Venus and Serena only do this to me on rare occasions, but they make up for it by beating every heifer like she made a crack on their weaves. And usually all my tennis related heart-attacks for them are because I just know how Venus has the weaker serve of the two sisters and Serena's always got something injured, but both go down in a hail of glory if they're going to lose. I can respect that.

But James, despite being incredibly sexy (although I miss the dredlocks), tends to get all flat and wishy-washy like he forgets he's at the US Open and not some backyard barbecue with the rest of the J-squad, tossin' back the Heinekens with the white folks, joking about whatever people who can afford to go to Ivy League schools joke about. The cartoons in the New Yorker? Britney Spears' wig/hat?

But by the time you read this James will either be giving me a heart attack in the third round or I'll have lost all interest in men's tennis outside of Roger "I've been hanging out with Tiger Woods too long" Federer, who showed up at last night's match in all black, looking like a fey, tennis version of Joaquin Phoenix in "Walk the Line." The ensemble was quite fetching, although R. Fed has too prominent of a Cro-magnum man brow for me. The Black Snob no-likely.

Other than that, he was sexy. Obviously El Tigre has been giving him Intimidation 101, lessons on how to out-fashion your opponents into submission. First the white on white suit at Wimbledon for R. Fed, now he's the man in black. And fashion intimidation is real. I mean, one look at Tiger in beige and cream and Retief Goosen knew that all hope was lost. He could never be that skilled and look that good doing it. And when he wears red on Sundays? It's all over.

I mean, just ask Serena. Or Kimora for that matter. If clothing could kill she'd be serving 15 consecutive life sentences.

And now the Tahitian wants to get a rub down instead of play because his such an obnoxious faker. Hurry up so my torture can END!

***UPDATE***UPDATE***UPDATE***UPDATE***UPDATE***

I forgive his sexy not-black-black-man ass. Give 'em inconsistent hell, James!

And it was the first time in James' pro career that he beat a guy after a match went five sets. Much more satisfying than watching him just give it up to R. Fed a week back like a 16 year old girl backstage at a Fall Out Boy concert.

I think the R. Fed is awesome too, James, but dude, at least make an effort to damn his brilliant ass and mount a believable attack. After all, if I ever got to interview Prince I could probably contain myself just long enough to get the basics out of the way before begging Prince to adopt me and make me one of the Rainbow Children.

It's the New Power Generation, bitches! The only thing standing in our way is you.

I'd give anything to be one half of those afro, not-black-black-girls who dance around Prince on stage pretending to strum their legs like guitars. That's so hot. Everything about Prince is hot. To see him fall out on the stage while singing "Beautiful Ones" one more time. I mean, I've seen it three times, but it only gets better.

But, um, my point was to Blake. Keep up the good work. And find more excuses to take your shirt off during matches. I kept having to stare at the gross, hairy Tahitian (and not hairy in a good way like I like -- see "Allen Payne.") His gross thigh rubdown and his gross shirt removal and just ... grossness. All players not named James Blake and Roger Federer keep your fucking shirts on. Just sweat that bitch out. No one wants to see.