Campaigns In Crisis: Michele Bachmann Mails It In While Herman Cain Staffers Call Him "Chaotic"

Danger! Danger in the campaigns! After nearly all of her New Hampshire primary campaign staff quit, Michele Bachmann became the ONLY Republican running for president who filed her papers for the NH primary via Pony Express, aka "the mail." But she's not the only GOPer lacking staff these days. Godfather Pizza man and gospel music superstar Herman Cain is the unwilling star of a New York Times story this Thursday where his ex-aides claim the "Cain Train" is a hot mess of un-CEO-like disorganization.

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Herman Cain Is Ready To Rock After Block Puts Out That Ciggy

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Yesterday the pundit class was a-chatter over Herman Cain's quixotic YouTube ad featuring his smoking man chief-of-staff, and comics Stephen Colbert and Conan O'Brien responded with their dual parodies. But my favorite thing about how easy it is to squeeze a giggle out of Cain comes from this Scorpions related image on the left. The things you find lingering in comment sections on blogs. And for you kids (or non-rockers) who don't get the classic rock reference. Here it is. In all it's glory.

New Herman Cain YouTube Ad Is Smoking (Video)

Remember when you'd watch a movie or a TV show and EVERYBODY BE SMOKIN'? Yeah, those were the Golden Days for the tobacco industry. So many glamorous actors and TV personalities, sparking it up while giving you the news, fallin' in love, or telling a story. It was magical. But then everyone realized smoking gave you lung cancer and killed you, and then smoking was banned from just about everywhere, even on the streets in New York, and now, if someone sees you light one up, you're going to get more dirty looks than "Hey buddy, can I bum a smoke?" (Or maybe you'll get both a dirty look and a freeloader. I don't smoke -- obviously. I'm just a judgey, dirty look giver.)

Well, Herman Cain's people released this new campaign ad, which folks were calling "bizarre" and "jarring," because it features close up shots of Cain's chief of staff Mark Block talkin' and smoking. 

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Herman Cain Would Like To Clarify Everything While Mitt Romney Gets Testy (Video)

Heavy is the head that wears the front-runner crown. And the Godfather of Pizza Herman Cain is getting a taste of that good ol' fashion "vetting" process you get when they finally move you to the front of the line. People mock you. They come after you. They tell you your 9-9-9 Plan is hated by Anti-tax fetishist Grover Norquist. It's not pretty. Of course, Mittens knows the deal. He's been getting it from day one, even though -- technically -- no one wants him to be president. Both participated in Fall's worst new program, "Survivor: Rich White Man Edition, featuring The Black Pizza Guy and The Lady Person," as CNN hosted the 1,333rd GOP debate this year.

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CNN Says Herman Cain, Mitt Romney Tied for First

How much do Republicans hate the Mormon Ned Flanders? Apparently enough that they're willing to pretend like they'll vote for Herman Cain if it can scare another more viable Republican (any Republican, really) to hop in the race. Unfortunately, I don't know who that would be, since nobody wants this horrible job, and we're less than three months away from the first primary.

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Leonard Pitts Wonders If Herman Cain Is Ashamed to Be Black

Racialized self-loathing is a pretty common ailment many African Americans suffer from, both in major and minor doses. Almost everyone has dealt with some form of it at some time. The important thing is usually through the help of others or self-education, many individuals can work through it. In his latest column, Leonard Pitts, Jr. wonders if Herman Cain is one of those folks who fully bought that white is right.

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Bachmann Turns My 9-9-9 Plan Joke Into 6-6-6 Reality For Herman Cain

Presidential wannabe Michele Bachmann "went there" during Tuesday's Bloomberg News debate when she hinted at Herman Cain's "9-9-9" plan's possible demonic leanings. A while back, I joked that Cain, being a man of faith, had made a misstep in going with a name that could easily freak out "End Times" enthusists. Quote (myself): "Herman Cain said some stuff about how we should be more like Chile, compared taxes to tithing and said something-something 9-9-9 plan. Which seems like a naming fluke for Cain. Too easy to flip those 9s to 6s and have wingnuts accuse Cain of having the "mark of the beast." His name is already Cain, who as we all know from the TV show Superbook was the world's first murderer." So you know what this means, right? Michele Bachmann: Secret BlackSnob.com reader. (Gawker)

If You're Broke, Herman Cain Sez That's Probably Your Fault (Video)

With black unemployment at 16-20 percent depending on where you live and entire industries collapsing and dying in the Midwest and with companies not hiring, or for the ones that are, are often refusing to hire unemployed people, presidential wannabe Herman Cain took the unusual tact of blaming broke people for their brokeness. He, naturally, was directing his "old man yells at cloud" act to the Occupy Wall Street protesters, many of whom are young people with student loans and meager job prospects after being told their entire lives that going to college = job, not McJob.

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Chris Wallace Asks If Herman Cain Will Add Some "Hip Hop" To "Hail To The Chief" (Video)

During the jokey end of an interview, FOX News' Chris Wallace asked presidential hopeful Herman Cain if when he becomes the Big Enchilada will he switch up the ol' Hail To the Chief door-openin' music that Bill Clinton probably still cranks up when he's trying to "get in the mood." Wallace, possibly confusing Cain for a moment with a previously more "hippity-hoppity" Notorious G.O.P. black Republican in the form of Michael "The Man of" Steele, asked Cain if he'd be adding some "hip hop" beats to "Hail to the Chief." But, no. Wrong stereotype. Cain is not a young African American male challenging gravity to reveal to the world his underpants due to the lack of belt on his over-sized jeans. Cain is a DIFFERENT stereotype, which is that of the gospel-lovin', praising Jesus in the name of Jesus, older black Baby Boomer who yells at the young man stereotype to have some dignity and PULL UP HIS DAMN PANTS! 

Don't get it twisted, Wallace. You've been put on notice. (H/T Gawker)