Tiger Woods Is Single, Ladies!

Are you a trashy white woman of a certain stature? (Stature = willingness to do unmentionable things with Tiger Woods and keep yer damn trap shut!) TODAY'S YOUR DAY! Tiger's free now! All it cost him was his dignity, a percentage of his vast fortune, the destruction of his marriage/image and personal humiliation on a massive scale!

God. Why won't you love him anymore, America? He is so, so, so very sorry about making Rachel Uchitel happen. Why won't you forget about her so he can quietly return to having unprotected sex with random white women who may or may not work in bars and local diners?

You are so selfish.

More after the jump.

Click to read more ...

Tiger Woods Is Sorry Ya'll! Damn! Why Won't You Let Him Be Great?

So I finally got around to watching Tiger Woods apologize to my dad for not playing golf, forcing him to listen to stories about Phil Mickleson and other things he hates. Because, really, that's who he should be apologizing to -- folks who hate crappy golf. They want to see Tiger be GREAT. This? My pops didn't want to see this!

More after the jump.

Click to read more ...

Tiger Woods To Apologize For All The Crappy Golf Papa Snob Had To Watch While He Was Away

Seriously. I was almost starting to get worried about Tiger. No one had seen him in so long I was convinced they were going to find him in a seedy Las Vegas motel, face down with a bottle of Jack and Ambien in one hand and a copy of a 1996 Golfer's Digest in the other. But apparently he's going to get out, show the flag and apologize to Papa Snob for leaving him and other golf fans with nothing to watch but really shitty golf for awhile, and announce that he's returning to play again. Good for him.

Remember what we talked about Eldrick! Keep the balls in the fairways and keep the pee-pee in the pants!

Tiger Has A Big Ego. Can’t Stand His Big Ego. But I Love How He Plays Golf.

He walks like this because he can back it up.

Tiger Woods will survive.

Seriously. This will be a blip in the trophy case at the end of the day as long as he stays focused, never says too much, or when he does speak, says all the right things. As long as the wife keeps quiet and everyone stays all Ninja like on everything. As long as there’s no “there there” he will be fine. Please ignore the Jazmine Sullivan style window busting. Just another day in golfer’s paradise. No worries.

I make no secret that I love Tiger Woods – the golfer. Tiger Woods the human being, I do not know. But when it comes to golf, he’s my man. I’ve followed him since 1996. I’ve loved him since 1996 and as the daughter of a sports fanatic he’s been fun to watch. But I’m a pragmatist at heart and I’m shocked, SHOCKED, by all these people who are shocked because the Tiger might have been sinking his balls into someone else’s hole. Mostly because I’m like, didn’t we see this coming?

More after the jump.

Click to read more ...

If Loving You Is Wrong I Might Try To Kill You With A Golf Club

The sweetest woman in the world, can be the meanest woman in the world ... if you make her that way.

One of the most annoying myths that men (of all races) often make about women (of different races) is that somehow, all brown women -- especially the black ones -- are mean or crazy or might throw hot grits on you or scream "GIT YO SH**" at the top of our lungs while we set all your belongings on fire in the driveway. That somehow white women (and often Asian women are lumped in here too) are just these nice, passive, docile creatures who would never, ever say a harsh word or curse you out or lift a finger in anger.

I believe the saying goes, "Hell hath no fury like a WOMAN scorned." It doesn't specify just us black harridans.

More after the jump.

Click to read more ...

Tiger Woods' Son: He went with "Axel" over "Slash?" Sacrilege.

Tiger Woods, extraordinary golfer guy, unveiled some new pictures of his happy family (dogs included). He and wifey Elin have named their newborn son Charlie Axel, and while I could rant about giving your children nicknames rather than full names (Sam as a girl's name? Really?), I'm more disturbed by the "Axel" angle as I had no idea Eldrick loved GNR that much. Personally, I think Charlie Slash Woods or Charlie Duff McKagan Woods could have also worked.

Click to read more ...

Nooooo! Not Tiger! Why? Why?

Seems Tiger Woods' spirit to win didn't bode well for his bum knee. His season is dunzo.

Earlier this week, he fought through the pain and pushed it to 19 holes to win the US Open, his 14th major, but that was against his doctor's orders. Now he needs surgery on that same knee, again, to repair the damage.

I just know the folks with the PGA are salty. He's their rainmaker and now he's out for the rest of the season. No Tiger at the British Open. No Tiger at the FedEx Cup. (And he's the point leader!) Who will be the savior of golf? Who! Phil Mickelson? The man's a walking NASCAR pile-up. Welcome to the lost season of where not a damn thing mattered. Maybe John Daly will put down the wine, whiskey, women and song and make a run for it.

That said, did anyone see the lil' "Tiger cub," Sam Alexis? I'm a sucker for cute babies and she's a cute baby. I also liked when wife of Tiger, Elin, tried to take the little kiddo back from Tiger she immediately reached for her daddy as he basked in the afterglow of major win number 14.

And she was wearing money-making red too. She knew it was payday!

The Lakers Chose to Lose In Boston, Tiger Woods Is Awesome and Other News At La Casa de Snob

Hello Readers!

As I've stated before, I enjoy sports so yesterday was a pretty good sports day with Tiger Woods getting a birdy on the 18th hole to push the US Open at Torrey Pines to an 18 hole playoff today. I was loving the double fist pump and the look on golfer Rocco Mediate's face when he realized he would have to play the best who's ever played the game, again, on a golf course Tiger practically owns.

Then the Los Angeles Lakers, who have been out-played by the Boston Celtics this whole NBA Finals series managed to escape seeing the Celtics dance around and spill champagne on their home court.

It would have been really lame for them to get trounced and only win one measly game. But as you can tell from my headline I am not to optimistic about Los Angeles' chances in Boston. For one, they don't have an answer for Paul Pierce and two, Celtics Coach Doc Rivers figured out the key to stopping the Lakers early was to take out Rajon Rando at point. Kobe Bryant wasn't even guarding him. That's how big of a non-factor he was. And how can you have a point guard who's a shy shooter? That's mind-boggling. Take the shot, kiddo. You're open! Did he even get minutes in the second half?

So unless Pau Gasol and the rest of the Laker supporting cast figure out how to play defense the whole game, not just the first quarter, I expect this all to be over come Tuesday. What's funny is if the Celtics were playing any other west coast team I would be rooting for them.

I live for watching Utah get beat down. I'm indifferent towards San Antonio. The Phoenix Suns can just roll over and die. I don't care about the Mavericks. The only other west coast time I half-ass care for is Golden State and that's just because they're insane. I like an insane shooting team that only knows one speed, fast, and lives and dies by fast. And I want to like the SuperSonics, but that's only because of number two draft pick Kevin Durant.

I like the Celtics (for the first time ever), but I love the Lakers (even if Kobe can be an incredible jackass). But if they lose they Tuesday it's because they deserved to lose. The Celtics are the better team.

In other news: I got a great response from readers for my mothers and daughters piece regarding a recent story I did on the strain between author Alice Walker and her daughter Rebecca. I'll be running the story as a series of the next two weeks, featuring what each of the contributors wrote with some minor edits by myself. Most of the letters were written in such a beautiful and raw manner that I'd rather leave them unvarnished than muck it up with a lot of my prose.

Look for the series all this week and next!

Eeeeeevil Tiger Woods

Like a laughing, maniacal super-villain of golf, Tiger Woods is returning to the scene of a crime.

I love Tiger Woods. I'm a huge, HUGE fan of his body of beatdown work. But as day one of the US Masters passed it dawned on me that Tiger has crossed over from being merely the best athlete in the world to super villain.

Now, I don't misunderstand. I don't want Tiger to be tamed. I do not want his reign to ever, ever end. I will never tire of hearing commentators running out of adjectives. Nor will I ever tire of seeing the looks on the exhausted faces of those forced to bend to his might. This is fun for me. Now I know how all those smart-ass Chicago fans felt when Jordan destroyed my precious LA Lakers. It's great.

But seriously, Tiger is almost too good for his damn self this season and I'm starting to think it's official.

He's crossed over to the dark side. You can't get that kind of top spin without hanging out with the dark lord of the Sith. I'm not complaining though. Darth Vader was a total badass until Phantom Menace. It's like Lucas wanted to run his best character into the ground.

So as long as Jar Jar Binks doesn't show up as Eldrick's caddy, I'll feel pretty secure about the next decade being another ten years of Tiger.