Chris Christie Hearts Mitt Romney, Will Endorse Him For President

The GOP's quest to stop Dad-In-Chief Barack Obama from force-feeding us the "Peas of Reality" and make us be grown ups about all this recession jazz continued today as New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie decided to spend up his newly minted national political capitol by investing in the stock of that Evil Ned Flanders, Mitt "Mittens" Romney. Thus proving that Christie, if nothing else, is a member of the "establishment" class of Republicans. Yup, delusional Tea Partiers and old money GOPers, Gov. Sandwiches spurned your advances then gave away his love to the guy you've been saying "OMG? Isn't there someone else? Anyone?" ever since he showed up at your frosty Iowa door step back in 2008. As America's Dad The Great Hopemongerer would say, "Eat your peas, Republicans. Or, you know, pick someone even easier for me to run against in 2012. I don't care. Pick Bachmann. That would be fun. Yeah. Do that shit. I don't care anymore." (Gawker)

Chris Christie, Sarah Palin Turn Down Chance To Be Miserable By Running For President

Republican pundit hopes and fears were both dashed and saved this week when a woman no one wanted to run for president said she would not and a man they hoped would breathe life into a dead-on-arrival class of GOP candidates also refused. Doesn't anyone want to be the savor of Conservatism and vanquish our "weak" incumbent president, or do frick n' frack here know something the pundits don't know?

(Psst. That something is that despite all these problems, everyone running is so lame, Obama's re-election chances still look pretty good.)

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