Mitt Romney Wants You To Know How Awful Newt Gingrich Is

Newt Gingrich. Did you know that he's an awful old curr who gets run out of Congress by his own party, took a whole lot of money to become an ... ahem ... "influence peddler" and is probably eye-balling wife No. 4 somewhere in the crowd? What? You already knew that? Hmmm. What if Mitt Romney shouts that a little louder? Does that help? Will that make people stop voting for Newt, who recently creamed Romney, beating him by double-digits in the racially tinged, bitter South Carolina primary?

Hahaha. No. Because the problem many GOP voters are having is that while Newt Gingrich is a duplicitous character, Romney isn't exactly "Dream Date" material either.

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Perry Drops White House Bid; ABC News Has An Ex-Wife Bomb For Newt; Nobody Knows Who Won Iowa

Rick Perry (Click to Enlarge)Rick Perry, in his effort to be your man in Washington, has finally realized it's time to pick up his Buzz Lightyear and Woody cowboy dolls and threats against our NATO allies and go home to Austin. I imagine there will be a lot of grimacing and pouting, but the dude had to go home at some time. He was polling at four percent in South Carolina ahead of the primary.

Does this mean he's going to skip out on tonight's CNN debate? Considering how much Perry loved the debates that proved he was unelectable, I'm going to guess he's watching this one from the TV in his hotel room.

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Jon Huntsman Picks Up Toys, Goes Home; Romney Hands Out Cash

Jon Hunstman, the Republican president candidate who could never shake that "Obama hired me to be Ambassador to China," moderate conservative stink off himself, dropped out of the GOP race today. Huntsman, naturally, endorsed the man who he most resembled without all the complications of being a horrible phony -- Mittens Romney.

Mittens, known for his robotic qualities and pathological inconsistencies was somewhere in South Carolina giving a poor black woman $60 in cash. It was a perfect storm of annoyances -- from the optics of a black person getting an actual "hand-out," to reinforcing the ideology that occasional donations from Daddy Warbucks should take care of our poor and not a strong social safety net built on our tax dollars, to reinforcing the belief that all poor, begging people are black people.

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New Hampshire: Ugh. Is Mittens The Nominee Yet?

So New Hampshire held the first primary of the 2012 election season (for those playing at home Iowa was a "caucus"), and Mitt Romney won by a healthy 39 percent.

Meaning, Romney is still the front-runner, still the "inevitable" nominee, still destined to go up against incumbent President Barack Obama in the fall. Oh, goody.

Unfortunately, sanity hasn't quite yet returned to the process and how could it? The GOP nominee is still this smarmy, punchable, grown up Richie Rich making $10,000 bets and calling corporations people and talking about how he hates to run out of pink slips. (Or maybe he was afraid to get a pink slip? I dunno. How do you get fired when you're the boss? Can God make an object so heavy even He can't pick it up? Mind-boggles.)

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Hey Everybody, Let's All Look At Rick Santorum Now!

Despite my many, many protestations to anyone taking Rick Santorum seriously, Santorum had to go and almost tie Mittens for a win in Iowa. Even though ol' Santy lost by eight votes, he's a "winner" since two weeks ago he was polling around four percent in Iowa. Of course, this ignores that GOP voters have played "Anybody But Romney" with pretty much everyone and it was now Santorum's turn. (Will it ever be Jon Huntsman's turn? Hahahahahaha. No.) 

But Santy's the one (for now). So let's all look at him, shall we?

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Mitt Romney Barely Beats Surging Santorum While Rick Perry Adorably Continues Losing Campaign

Rick Perry keeps running, literally and in the race for 2012. (Via Twitter)In the latest round of "Anybody But Mittens," Mitt Romney barely beat out a booming Rick Santorum for an Iowa Caucus win. And by "barely," I mean there's an eight vote difference. But ol' Ricky Santorum even getting this far is an amazing feat considering the game of musical chairs various GOP candidates have played in their fight for front-runner.

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Here We Go A-Caucusing On Our Road to The 2012 Thunderdome

Hey, I'm back! And it's 2012, today's the Iowa Caucus, and it's time for the Race for the White House to officially begin! It our great national fight of who gets to be the person in charge as we slide further and further into Thunderdome territory here in the states. I orderd my chain mail pantsuit off of Amazon and everything, I'm so ready. 

Are you ready, Iowa?

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Newt Gingrich Channels His Inner Pervez Musharraf

Newt Gingrich, who is just finishing his turn as King of the Hill in the Iowa caucus polling, recently raised eyebrows when he suggested that "activist" judges should be forced to testify in Congress, explaining their controversial rulings. He even went a far to suggest abolishing entire courts.

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Everybody Panic! Kim Jong Il Is Dead As GOP Candidates Rattle Sabers At Iran

Sunday night word finally made it's way to the rest of the world that "Dear Leader" Kim Jong Il of the "People's Democratic Republic" of Korea, aka the "Best" Korea, had died on a train. Of course, who knows if that's true, being as North Korea is a completely cut-off country trapped in a ruthless dictatorship. Kim Jong Il could have died from an orgy or eating too many jelly beans or could have died three years ago and he was pulling a "Sixth Sense" all this time. You don't know. I don't know.

It's North Korea.

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