Clutch Magazine: Let's Get This Over With, Re-Elect Obama 2012

When I'm not working on a TV show, I'm still writing columns for Clutch and I'm beat, man. Straight up just beat ... down over election 2012. I'm ready to get this over with, aren't you? I wrote: "President Obama is flawed. He’s not your personal savior or unicorn. If anything, I think he actually has a lot more in common with his more starry-eyed supporters in 2008 because he really did think he could just show up in Washington talking all measured, positive and rational and change the game. But politics is a disease that has no desire of being cured. This is why a true, feral political animal like Bill Clinton thrived so well in that putrid swamp of double-speak and lies. President Obama doesn’t really want that stink on him, but hey, buddy, are we going to do this or what?"

So go vote. Vote. Please. Just do it, OK? I'm begging you. Sweet Lord. Take some personal agency this election season. If only so you can put up your "Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Kodos" sticker. Some bet on the numbers, bet on dice, bet on NFL football, bet on craps, bet on Vegas -- I'm betting on my vote counting. I hope you're betting on yours.

Read the full post on Clutch Magazine Online here.

More after the jump.

Click to read more ...

Clutch Magazine: Condi Rice Glosses Over Important Part When She Talks Civil Rights

Former Secretary of State Condozeela Rice addressed the Republican National Convention Wednesday night in a speech that touched on everything from her foreign policy strengths (or weakness depending on who you ask), to social issues. But one of the issues she skiddladdled right by was the Civil Rights movement. Wanting to keep things in that "feel good" mode she spoke as if that leap from segregation to her becoming secretary of state was a glorious lap Americans ran together, rather than a knock down, drag out grudge match that people are still wielding cudgels about today. Never mind the fact that it took sending the National Guard to many states just to enforce the rule of law.

Jim Crow didn't die so much as he was a suicide bomber who tried to take as many folks with him before he finally blew up Alabama, and the scaring was so deep we're still dealing with the consequences today. To paraphrase the film "Magnolia," Rice may be through with the past, but the past isn't through with us.

Click to read more ...

"White People Are Back!" And Other Moments From Hardcore Paul Ryan Rap (Video)

He's like Ron Paul meets Ryan Seacrest, but with a lot more "m-fers." Yet, even in all this Beastie Boys-esque Ryan P90Sex braggadocio, my favorite part is the cluelessness of fake Mitt Romney who kind of plops around like the floppy android he is. Second best line (after "White people are back") is "Screw the sick and the poor like Jesus said ... if he had lived to read 'The Fountainhead.'"

Click to read more ...

MSNBC: Biden Suggests Team Romney is Pro-Chains While Going Off The Chain

My favorite fake picture of Vice President Joe Biden. (Via The Onion)In my first ever post for MSNBC's new Lean Forward web site, I tackled America's favorite crazy grandpa, Mad Dawg Joe Biden, as he tossed some red meat to a mostly black crowd in Virginia this week. Papa Joe suggested that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney wants to put folks "back in chains" with his fiscal policies. This means it's time for the over-the-top "playing the race (war) card" accusations (and counter-accusations) to begin!

Yet somehow, it all seems so familiar.

Click to read more ...

P90seX: How A Capitol Hill Fitness Craze Helped Your Congressman Get Laid

One dude is the founder of P90X, the other is Rep. Paul Ryan, who helped is fellow Congress Critters get buff using the program (and inadvertently, helped a few of them get dates).One of the talking points meant to “humanize” newly appointed veep candidate and Mitt Romney second banana Paul Ryan is that he got a six pack blowing $120 bucks and countless hours going hard thanks to the popular exercise DVD series P90X.

In my brief time in D.C., particularly around 2011 after the GOP took the House, I started hearing quite a bit about Congress Critters and their ilk going hard using P90X. Soon a rash of nerdy, GOP (and some Dem) Butterfaces with washboard abs started humping about the Capitol, getting too flirtatiously aggressive while I was politely trying to get drunk on the rooftop of the W Hotel.

Click to read more ...

Mittens Finds A Mate: Paul Ryan Is Romney's GOP "Dream Date" Candidate

Photo via ClutchMitt Romney, the on purpose yet somehow accidental, presumptive GOP candidate for president announced Saturday that Rep. Paul Ryan will be his running mate. He announced this news during a time/date slot normally reserved for stories politicians want to bury in the haze of lazy Fridays, sleep-in Saturdays, an audience focused on how to get their drink on this weekend, not the news and the Olympics.

Click to read more ...

Clutch Magazine: Team Romney Throws Up Condi Rice-Shaped Distraction, Fails

This Monday for Clutch Magazine Online, I took a break from my nephew babysitting duties to pen a post on how in an effort to get people talking about anything but Bain Capital, former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice's name was thrown about this weekend as a possible vice presidential pick for wannabe Robot-In-Chief Mitt Romney.

Click to read more ...

The Snob Talks Latina Vote, Talkin' to Teens 'Bout Sex & Magic Mike on NPR

The cast of "Magic Penis" ... I mean, "Mike." Yeah ... Mike.The Snob returned to NPR's Tell Me More program Wednesday to talk about possible White House "pandering" to the Latina mommy vote. (Are Latinas the new Soccer Moms, aka Futubol Mommies?) As part of the Beauty Shop segment with guest host Maria Hinosoja, we also discussed Kris Jenner recently admitting that when her famous daughter Kim Kardashian was a teen she put her on birth control and briefly discussed all the hype surrounding the bro-tastic, but "ribbed for her pleasure" hit stripper melodrama "Magic Mike."

Check out the audio after the jump.

Click to read more ...

Clutch Magazine: Stop the Vote! Someone Has An Election To Steal

This week for Clutch Magazine The Snob went political (one of my favorite things to do) and tackled how Florida Republicans are trying to push the Sunshine State into Mitt Romney's favor by purging their voter rolls of "possibly" illegal voters. They're currently fighting the Department of Justice as the DOJ says this purge is in violation of the Voter Rights Act. Hey, if the fight against non-existent voter fraud errs on the side of Democratic-leaning citizens not being able to vote, Republicans are willing to make that, ahem, sacrifice.

Click to read more ...