People joke about the forever "brightening" of Beyonce, but this is just ridiculous. L'Oreal went out of control with the PhotoShop and unnecessarily so, considering she is unrecognizable. And what's the point of having a celebrity spokesperson if you can't tell that's the celebrity who once sang lead on a song called "Bootylicious?"
They were ready for the jelly, but they needed it to look more "vampiric."
I was hipped to this "creation" by Negro Intellectual who found it on TMZ. I'm not a huge Beyonce fan (although I am a fan of all divas to a degree), but it is pretty insulting to do this to her. To basically tell her that, "oh no ... you're not light enough, Bey. You could always be LIGHTER," is highly insulting. Most people, white or black or Asian or whatever, already find Beyonce attractive as her caramel self. Extremely attractive to the point that they often embarrass themselves slipping on their own drool.
And she's so profitable and so ubiquitous. She's everywhere, even shilling for American Express -- as her brown self. She has proven, as UPS used to tag, "what Brown can do for you." So really? What up, L'Oreal? Ease up on the whitewash before some stans start organizing a protest on why you made their favorite chick look like some bland, ashy-faced blonde when she was perfectly fine just the way she was.
Brown.
She was fine BROWN! Keep Beyonce brown, lest the stans revolt!
It's actually funny. I was surprised. I'm working on a column about the whole notion of Obama's "hubris," and the mythology that McCain "I'll follow Osama bin Laden to the gates of Hell, but not to Pakistan because it's a sovereign nation" is some aw shucks modest fellow who doesn't toot his own horn and about how all of this smacks of "Uppity Negro Mess." But that column isn't done yet. So please settle for the Queen of Tackiness, Paris Hilton, shiller of the world's cheapest looking hair extensions.
When it came to paying homage to Michelle Obama for this story, Banks found the process "surreal." "It's kind of embarrassing," she confesses, "but in my early 20s, I used to want to be a princess. But I didn't want to have to marry somebody in order to do it! Of course, I don't see the position of first lady as a princess, where it's something you have to marry into. With Barack Obama, his becoming president is them becoming president because Michelle was there from the beginning. Without Michelle, he wouldn't be there." Or, as she pronounces to her Tyra Banks Show camera after her Oval Office portrait, "Michelle Obama, you're one hot mama." (Harper's Bazaar)
Per instructions from several readers, I've begun my research into the background of Tyra Banks' "I Am Michelle" fashion shoot for Harper's Bazaar and found not only the full article on their Web site, but the "Look Book" of the shoot and a "behind the scene" video.
Holly Golighty, that was nutty. Tyra predicts at the end that Barack and Michelle may be going to the White House, but she's going to "White Castle."
Now I can't blame a sista for loving White Castle as I love White Castles. Sliders, belly bombers, whatever you want to call them. I realize they're not for everyone, but I think they're DELICIOUS!
And speaking of delicious ....
Fake Barack's name is Roman Watson. He's a Miami-based, 6-foot-2-inch, Jesus-loving hunk of a male model who works for MC2 Model Management. I suggest restraint while looking through his portfolio. He really does look like Barack's insanely hot half-brother.
That's right, ladies. You're welcome. But please. RESTRAINT with his portfolio. I don't want anyone to hurt themselves passing out on their desks or keyboards.
And now I'm done (I hope). I think I've written everything I could say about this shoot ... that it was weird. That fake Barack was hot. That Tyra Banks is deliciously insane. Yes. I think I'm done now. I can write about something else. Wake me up with Tyra kills Sasha and Malia's pet rabbit.
As a writer at the Los Angeles Times noted, "Bazaar" indeed! Here is the rest of Tyra Banks' photo pictorial from Harper's Bazaar where she does her best to demonstrate campaign inspired fashions with Michelle, Barack, Sasha, Malia, Jackie O., John-John and possibly Jackée Harry as her inspiration.
Riiiiight.
I realize that at a certain age you're supposed to stop playing dress up. But c'mon, folks! She's a former supermodel. Until she retired, her whole life was about playing dress up. Playing a hoochie lingerie "angel." Playing an SI swimsuit cover gal. Playing a bootleg Naomi Campbell. (Photographs only. Tyra uses her cell phones for dialing!) Playing a make-up hawker. Playing "fierce" and "edgy." Playing Omar Epps' girlfriend in "Higher Learning." Playing Will Smith's love interest in the last season of "The Fresh Prince" when Willy-Will went to college. Playing a sorority den mother to reality TV model wannabes. Playing "Oprah Winfrey."
Quit playing about wanting Tyra to QUIT PLAYING! She will never, EVER stop playing! Playing is what she does and she wanted to play Michelle Obama. Yeah, it looks weird and goofy and tacky and wrong, but she can't help it that she's rich and famous enough to take her Obama Stan-hood to a level other Obama stans can only dream of. Can we convince an internationally heralded fashion magazine to let us play pretend with a hot big eared model and some fake kids in some ridiculously expensive clothes for over six pages and get a cover shot? No. No we can't. Most of us just gush to ourselves about the Obamas. Well, Tyra wanted to take our gushing to that ... Next! Creepy! Level!
This photos are sooooo "Hand That Rocks the Cradle" meets "Single White Female."
Michelle, consider them a warning when Tyra starts wearing black leggings with every dress and Sasha complains of a woman in a bad wig who keeps showing up at soccer practice, wanting to be called "Mommy."
A few of you have noted that Tyra Banks' "Tyra-as-Michelle" madness needs to stop, but mimicry is the sincerest form of flattery (and a tell-tale sign of unhealthy obsession). I feel differently. I don't want her to stop. Go further, Tyra! Go so far you come out the other side of the looking glass! Delve into your own insanity until you adopt a pair of girls and rename them Sasha and Malia. Descend into the absurd until you legally change your name to "Tyra Obama," then get put down on that list the Secret Service keeps of deranged women obsessed with Barack.
Just her and Scarlett Johansson, whispering prettily, "Yes we can."
The votes were tallied and the results are in! From all your ballots I learned one thing ... you folks really love you some Donna Brazile. Seriously. (I also learned that a lot of you have sick, sick bushy eyebrow fetishes!)
Here are your "Top Pundits" along with my own personal pundit picks and opinions below.
"Love her she is such a straight shooter. The smartest in the business," -- an anonymous voter
Brazile was a big favorite in every category she competed in, but she beat out Keith Olbermann by one point to be at the top of the "Top Five Pundits" heap. Here are your top five pundits.
1. Donna Brazile 2. Keith Olbermann 3. Rachel Maddow 4. Jamal Simmons 5. (Tie) Roland Martin/Gwen Ifil
Snob Picks!
The Snob really enjoys pundits who bring the crazy like it's never been brought, so all my Top Pundits are about who is best a verbal calisthenics, bringing drama and making good trainwreck television. The Krav Maga masters of political hardball. I like all the sane, rational, smart people you guys picked, but with the exception of Olbermann, all those choices were a little too sane for me.
Give me the Fruit Loops!
1. James Carville and/or Mary Matalin 2. Patrick J. Buchanan (What an AMAZING bigot. Breath-taking really.) 3. Chris Matthews 4. Jim McLaughlin ("Bye! Bye!") 5. Keith Olbermann
They're crazy in love with hate ... on you or anyone else who gets in their way. It was a tie between O'Reilly and Limbaugh for nuttiest of the nuts (with Sean Hannity at a close second). One of you pointed out that Rush is a former drug addict which might explain his insanity. Perhaps it was self-medication for some preexisting mental illness.
"(H)e's been spouting ignorance before a lot of us were born so hands down he wins," wrote commenter Ms. B.
As for Hannity's closely seconded certifiable papers, commenters said he was Loony Toons, "No Diggity, No Doubt." Others were more blunt in their critiques. "What a serious unadulterated douchebag," wrote Anarchy 1.
1. (Tie) Rush Limbaugh/Bill O'Reilly 2. Sean Hannity 3. Chris Matthews
Snob Pick!
Chris Matthews
Commenter Lisa Marie Turtle, like myself, picked Chris Matthews as the real loon in the bin.
"I'm sure most people will say Bill O'Reilly or Glen Beck but I think Chris Matthew's lunacy is ignored far too often. I mean, he's considered crazy in general but I think he might be certifiable. He also comes across as emotionally unstable," she writes.
No joke. The man issued an almost one minute apology on his show to women viewers he offended in his Hillary bashing and general sexist attitude, then went right back to stammering over people and saying things seen as "inappropriate" by all of us with vaginas. Or with permanent tans. Or ... basically anyone.
The man is like a jabbering, Kennedy obsessed, emotional drunk. Occasionally though he'll sober up enough to issue a well-deserved (or not well-deserved) verbal beatdown. You cannot out talk Chris Matthews. He will invite you to be on his show and he will not allow you to say one word because he has a point somewhere in his Rather-esque attempts to turn a pretty phrase, instead he mauls, mangles and molests the English language.
Crazy pants, all the way.
"Okay I hate the eyebrows too - but come on now - he is pretty fly for a political pundit," -- Hollins JD Princess
"Let me tweeze those brows." -- Ms. B
"I don't understand why there are other names on the list." -- Lisa Marie Turtle
It's gotta be the eyebrows. "Those sexy bushy brows!" gushed one reader. Obviously, The Snob has an overwhelming number of female (or gay) readers who feen for Jamal Simmons and his bushylicious eyebrows. He ran away in the voting leaving his sparring partner and conservative counterpart Amy Holmes a distant second. Commenter Bronze Trinity called Simmons a "good looking brotha and educated, and polite."
1. Jamal Simmons 2. Amy Holmes 3. Michelle D. Bernard
Snob Pick!
I think I may be one of the few black women immune to Jamal's bushy charms. With this category based purely on appearance (and not opinion), I have to give the edge to Amy Holmes and Harold Ford Jr.
Hannity barely beat out Ann Coulter for the "I Hate (or Strongly Dislike) You" Award. Since he was already labeled a "douchebag" when he came in second for "Most Insane," I'm going to go on the record and say you don't like the guy. You really don't like him.
1. Sean Hannity 2. Ann Coulter 3. (Tie) Bill O'Reilly/Patrick J. Buchanan
Snob Pick!
This was a tough one. I couldn't decide who was worse: Limbaugh, Hannity or O'Reilly. But I also think the power of these three involves a lot of hype. I probably hate Michelle Malkin the most because she said the US government was right in arresting Japanese citizens during WWII and placing them in detention camps. They were citizens. American citizens. The majority born here. Their sons were allowed to serve and die for their country, but their parents, friends and relatives remained locked up simply because they were Japanese. So, ahem, screw you, Michelle Malkin.
"I can't stand him. I literally want to punch him. 'Barack Obama is a politician, Jesse Jackson is a prophet.' That statement alone is enough reason for him to never speak in a public forum again. I can't believe I didn't pick Al Sharpton," -- Lisa Marie Turtle
Dyson barely beat out Jesse Jackson for this honor. I'm happy to know that I wasn't the only one, as he was my pick to STFU too. Despite many of us sometimes agreeing with Dyson, he is simply so annoying that even when you second that motion you want to chop block him in the throat.
Snob Pick!
Dyson. All the way to the bank. No more hip hop lyrics when answering questions. You are not cool.
I get it. You love Donna. She's the awesome. She's funny. She's smart. She always gets in her point and rarely makes mistakes. She will not be buffaloed, punked or tricked. And she is not your boo. Seriously.
1. Donna Brazile 2. Rachel Maddow 3. (Tie) Keith Olbermann/Arianna Huffington
Snob Pick!
Tie between Maddow and Brazile
I hate to break it to many Snob readers, but Williams is, in fact, a lefty. He is pro-abortion and pro-birth control. He leans left on almost all social issues. He just has a little "disagreement" with black folks over his views on ... black folks. But take away the race factor (and him being a Bill O'Reilly apologist) and Williams is technically a left-leaning centrist.
1. Juan Williams 2. Maureen Dowd 3. Harold Ford Jr.
Snob pick!
Gah. Maureen Dowd. We're having the most torrid love/hate affair of the century.
Michelle Bernard is actually a right-leaning centrist. (I think she calls herself an independent as the head of the Independent Women's Forum). She just barely beat out Amy Holmes, who many of you picked as a second while admitting that you pretty much hate everything Holmes says.
1. Michelle Bernard 2. Amy Holmes 3. Andrew Sullivan
Snob Pick!
Peggy Noonan ("She just seems like a grandma. An evil Republican grandma," reader Nay)
Can't say I was surprised here. It was a landslide for the oft-bowtied, "dickish" Carlson, who seems to rub almost everyone the wrong way with his prickish nature. He's not a "cool" or "hip" or even interesting conservative pundit. He's not a charming blowhard or a snarky blonde. And the IRONY of hearing him talk about Obama as "elitist" was almost unbearable as Carlson doesn't look like he's ever skipped a fine glass of Chablis or platter of brie and goose liver patte his entire life.
Carlson beat out the now ailing Prince of Darkness, Bob Novak, who recently retired after being diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor.
1. Tucker Carlson 2. Bob Novak 3. (Tie) Joe Scarborough/Armstrong Williams
Snob Pick!
I don't know why I didn't put down Ron Christie because if I were a Republican he would be the last guy I'd want out there shilling the party brand. But since I didn't put down Christie I'll have to go with a tie between Carlson and Leslie Sanchez. I actually kind of like Leslie Sanchez, mostly because no matter how dire the news she always finds a way to flip it and make it a good thing for the Republicans. Where Bill Bennett and Carlson give in or recede on some arguments, Sanchez proudly marches on. I admire that in a hack.
As for Carlson, commenter Whitty sums up my feelings for the guy.
"I feel bad for him."
I do too, Whitty. I do too. So sad and such a douche.
In the rush for the middle there was a three-way traffic jam. Bernard, Martin and Toobin made out equally in the vote count, even if many of you were suspicious about their leanings. Many doubted Martin as a centrist, but due to a tersely worded comment he wrote me a while back, Martin sees himself as an impartial eye on this whole election. Bernard holds the middle mantel, while Toobin, primarily a legal scholar, sometimes chimes in on political issues and is usual devastating in what he dishes out.
Snob Pick!
Toobin, all the way.
Bill Maher kicked this category's ass. He won by an overwhelming majority leaving his competitors in the dust. I had one Rev. Wright honorary write in that I feel I must give props too, but other than that, this award is all for that stripper dating, hoochie loving, politically incorrect Maher.
1. Bill Maher 2. (Tie) Jack Cafferty/Patrick J. Buchanan
Snob Pick!
I like Maher and enjoy him, but I have to get it to the Inglorious Bastard himself, Patrick J. Buchanan. He may be crazy and may be a bigot, but he is the only one willing to speak the truth about how a lot of Americans really think about black people, immigrants, Mexicans, women folk, crime, etc. Truth hurts, but as I often say while watching "Hardball," "LET THE BIGOT SPEAK!" He may be an asshole, but he's a honest asshole. I trust his opinion on how "working class white people" think more so than Chris Matthews, who keeps repeating the same, kumbya, "My kids don't even think or notice race" horse manure.
Jon Stewart is a genius, beating out fellow comedic geniuses Bill Maher, Stephen Colbert and Lewis Black. He is also The Snob pick. I love the man. If he didn't already have a wife I'd consider putting up with him and the nebbishness.
1. Jon Stewart 2. Stephen Colbert 3. Bill Maher
So many people did not want to pick among the three (non?)blondes who competed for this top spot as the best combination of Nordic looks and insanity. But there were still enough votes to crown Coulter the queen of the hate-filled banshees. Laura Ingraham, The Snob pick, came in second. I think Coulter's act is a tired form of performance art that even she doesn't believe anymore, but still goes through the "trying to be edgy" motions.
Ingraham on the other hand, her voice is like nails on a chalk board as she rips her way through people. Her brand of crazy also feels a little more authentic even if it too might be performance art. I always struggle with understanding bossy, aggressive women operating in a man's forum advocating the conservative philosophy of women knowing their place, while at the same time arguing that no one better put a burkha on them.
Wait? Are you submissive or not? Are you for the feminist ideals that allow you to speak your mind in a miniskirt or are you against feminism ... that allowed you to speak your mind in a miniskirt? Very confusing!
There wasn't even a contest. You went 15-to-1 for Olbermann. His closest competitor, Rachel Maddow, got one lonely vote. I don't know when it sunk in for me. Perhaps it was when he started directly apologizing to the victims of Republican attacks on behalf of the recalcitrant Republicans. Maybe it was when he would get all sanctimonious about some issue like he felt our pain more poetically worded and sacrificial lamb-like. During primary nights I thought I saw him afflicted with stigmata once or twice. The Holier-Than-Thou, Gandlafian "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" way that he rips into opponents. The self-deprecation mixed with his fecal matter throwing spat with Bill-O.
He's a bleeder, all right.
Here is where we agree. "Hardball with Chris Matthews" is a guilty pleasure of mine. The show offers no substance. The debates are often superficial, as are the pundits who usually frequent the show. But Matthews, like the Mad Hatter of politics conducts this fool's symphony every week night, bumbling, slurring his words along as he spits out answers and screams all over the people he invited to his party. People he invited simply to insult. But like the Mad Hatter, Matthews seems to really love what he's doing. He's quite jubilant and perky about it. Both churlish and girlish in his glee. He's the only pundit I know of who caused an old Southern to wish that he could re-institute a now illegal form of retribution.
Zell Miller called Matthews out "for a duel." But not pistols for Matthews. He prefers a microphone.
1. Chris Matthews 2. Bill O'Reilly 3. (Tie) James Carville/Mary Matalin/Michelle Malkin
Many of you don't want to give up on Ford or Tavis Smiley, who came in second. I, personally, think Paul Zahn could be rehabilitated and put to some use, but, eh ... pundits are people too. Sometimes they deserve a second chance. So come on Ford, as one commenter wrote "pick a side." You could get hit by a car wandering in the middle of that road.
Courtesy of WWD Media (Women's Wear Daily) and an anonymous tipster: The Obamas on the cover of Essence in a story by Gwen Ifil! Tyra Banks, unrecognizable and looking nothing like Michelle Obama in Harper's Bazaar! So much fun!
Essence Magazine cover
Tyra and another model posing as a fashion fantasy version of Michelle and Barack for Harper's Bazaar. I don't quite get it and Tyra doesn't look like herself or Michelle. But perhaps there will be more pictures to go with this politically inspired fashion spread. (The purple obviously invokes Michelle's royal purple victory sheath dress from "Delegate Clinching Day." Fake model Barack though is kind of hot. Like Barack's sexy big-eared half-brother. Rrroawrrr!
Turns out his injuries aren't life-threatening and he's in "good spirits," per CNN:
Oscar-winning actor Morgan Freeman was in serious condition at a Memphis hospital after being involved in a car accident Sunday night, but did not suffer any "life-threatening" injuries, according to a friend.
The Jackson, Mississippi, Clarion-Ledger reported that Freeman's business partner, Bill Luckett of Clarksdale, visited Freeman at Memphis' Regional Medical Center.
"He's resting quietly and has some fractures. Nothing life-threatening. Nothing permanent," Luckett told the newspaper. "He's in good spirits, but he's in some pain."
Thursday, August 7, 2008 at 2:24AM
