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Thursday
Aug162012

P90seX: How A Capitol Hill Fitness Craze Helped Your Congressman Get Laid

One dude is the founder of P90X, the other is Rep. Paul Ryan, who helped is fellow Congress Critters get buff using the program (and inadvertently, helped a few of them get dates).One of the talking points meant to “humanize” newly appointed veep candidate and Mitt Romney second banana Paul Ryan is that he got a six pack blowing $120 bucks and countless hours going hard thanks to the popular exercise DVD series P90X.

In my brief time in D.C., particularly around 2011 after the GOP took the House, I started hearing quite a bit about Congress Critters and their ilk going hard using P90X. Soon a rash of nerdy, GOP (and some Dem) Butterfaces with washboard abs started humping about the Capitol, getting too flirtatiously aggressive while I was politely trying to get drunk on the rooftop of the W Hotel.

From Politico:

“It all started with Heath Shuler and Paul Ryan,” said Horton. “They’d go into the congressional gym, and they were doing P90X while everybody else was sitting on the elliptical or treadmill or working with a trainer. … For most folks, all you need is a pull-up bar and a floor and a couple of dumbbells or bands. … There’s so much pressure in this town, so it’s a form of release other than a couple of cocktails at lunch.”

Horton wouldn’t weigh in on which political client is the most in shape, but he gave some hints.

“I gotta say, Sen. [John] Thune is tough. Aaron Schock is strong. Paul Ryan is another one. Kevin McCarthy, he’s not ripped necessarily, but he works really hard. … He looks good in a suit, and he feels better.”

But Horton’s most proud about his DVDs being in use at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

“I’m fairly sure that Mrs. Obama uses P90X periodically,” said Horton. “I was speaking with Capricia Marshall. She’s the chief of protocol at the White House, so she gave me a little inside scoop. And the president, I believe, owns P90X Plus. I don’t know if he’s using it. I hope so. Mr. President, I hope that you would get on board with your wife and use P90X.”

Like Crossfit and other “hardcore” work out styles, P90X focuses on helping you lose weight by very rarely ever allowing you to stand still and constantly changing up what you’re doing until your muscles hate you. You do all this while getting all wrapped up inpossibly fascist, cult-like dogma to make you feel like you’re part of something “bigger” than just doing a hundred squats a hundred different ways until your thighs give out on you.

Among the better known political devotees were the aforementioned Rep. Ryan, Rep. Heath Shuler (D-NC), Sen. John Thune (R-ND), Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.), and Rep. Aaron Schock (R-Ill), who managed to get a Men’s Health Magazine cover shot out of it. But also wandering around among the newly ripped was future “Craigslist Congressman” Rep. Chris Lee (R-NY) and disgraced cyber-sexer Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY).

Obvious sex fiends Reps. Lee and Weiner ended up resigning their ripped bodies from the body politick after so many photos of their abs lead to them sending these photos to women who were not their wives.

But there’s also other oddness. Both Thune and Schuler were residents/members of the quasi religious political group “The Family” best known for their famous sex scandal laden, “Frat House for Jesus,” C Street house where many former members – including John Ensign, Mark Sanford, and Chip Pickering – found themselves mired in scandals revolving around their wandering penises.

Aaron Schock, who hasn’t had much of a fuss about him other than the time he wore a teal belt and everyone snickered, was the focus of several blog posts on Gawker that all seemed to scream “IS OR IS NOT AARON SCHOCK GAY?!?!” with a healthy mix of snark and mockery.

As someone who has recently embraced fitness out of a mix of “afraid of dying in sleep from cupcakes,” “self-defense,” “career-advancement” and “want to look good naked,” I can say that if you do any kind of work out that combines weight lift and cardio, with a sensible protein and vegetable heavy diet that’s low on carbs and sugar, will eventually result in weight loss and muscle tone – especially if you stick to it, drink lots of water and “go hard.” So if P90X is what keeps you from becoming a Diabetes-laden statistic, more power to you, but it has always been interesting to me that some of our most ab-tastic Congressional P90X devotees have either been tossed out of Congress due to sex scandals after getting physically jacked, while others deal with sexual rumors and murmurs that pop up in the blogosphere that have so far remained out of the mainstream.

D.C. is a fairly fit city. I came there in 2009 expecting to see more former Sen. Fred Thompson’s sipping Mint Juleps next to Wilford Brimleyfretting about their “diabeetus,” than the bevy of cyclists, joggersand P90Xers scurrying about all day and night. If you weren’t concerned about your waistline before the Age of "Athletic Thin President and His Wife Who Has Two Tickets To the Gun Show" Obama, quite suddenly you were. It wasn’t good enough to be the woman next to the man, next to the man, next to Obama. Now you had to be all that and bench press your weight too.

But being good looking – even from the neck down – comes with a certain amount of responsibility. Like realizing that you can change your clothes, hair and body but you are still you. All your drives, fears and insecurities are still there, but have shifted into a new “HOT” phase with all the obnoxiousness that goes with it.

Congress Critters already had no problem getting their power fueled-freak on when they all looked like Wilford Brimley. Can you imagine how annoying they are now that they have "allegedly" hot bodies to go with their “Man next to the man” power obsession?

It's all the obnoxiousness of the Los Angeles' Professional Pretty People crowd, but with the faces of Mark Zuckerberg. As if dating in D.C. wasn’t bad enough.

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Reader Comments (2)

LOL.

I can't lie I'm part of the P90x cult. Largely b/c I can't get to a gym right now and I miss the intense weight work I used to do there. P90x is my home replacement for that.

Though you shouldn't be surprised that Republicans are so into P90x - it's regimented, difficult, suggests they are "better" than the rest. So/LOL

August 16, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterA Big Butt and a Smile

"I can say that if you do any kind of work out that combines weight lift and cardio, with a sensible protein and vegetable heavy diet that’s low on carbs and sugar, will eventually result in weight loss and muscle tone – especially if you stick to it, drink lots of water and “go hard."

Danielle, its simple, but its NOT easy - if it were, more people would do it. In my case, P90X worked for me because being able to roll out of bed and workout helped me in that it took away the "I don't feel like getting up, getting dressed and driving all the way over there" excuse and the "I don't know what to do" excuse.

$120 - 140 is steep for many people but when you think about it, you pay less for P90X than you do for a personal trainer at most gyms for three months - and the DVD is ready when *you* are, not necessarily when your trainer has a hole in the schedule. Lastly, even if you never buy another Beachbody program nor pickup Shakeology, nor login and get support at teambeachbody.com you still have the DVD - You can go through the program again and again, using the meal plan to learn how to eat healthier for free for as long as your DVD player lasts!

August 16, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNehesi
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