The Summer Dolldrums: St. Louis Edition
Me.Since returning back to St. Louis to tend to my family and wait for my younger sister to give birth (first baby in the family!), I've been fraught with writer's block. I'm still writing daily (I have a bevy of assignments and a book I'm working on), but it's pretty gruesome. So gruesome for the first time since never if given a choice between writing and going to the gym to sweat and be smelly and gross is actually preferable to sitting at my laptop, staring at blank pages.
Part of the problem is nothing moves me, at all, which is part and parcel with a low-level depression that's manageable, but stubbornly keeping me from getting immersed fully in my writing. I'm dealing with the depression pretty well though, since I'm going to the gym and getting gross and stinky instead of lying in my bed, watching movies and eating large amounts of sugar. My waistline appreciates all the attention and I feel healthier than I've ever been, but gaaah. Writing. Even this is grueling. Writing about my peer Erica Kennedy's death was hard. Writing about my friend who doesn't like white people talking about dating white people was unusually hard. I thought I was writing a sort of jokey throw-away advice article about some goofy conversations I'd had with friends and co-workers and it turned into something else. Never under-estimate folks' passion about interracial dating.
But I almost shut down the whole conversation, when typically I like a good debate, because due to the low-level depression I simply didn't care about the subject to argue about it. But then, I'm in that mood where I don't care that much about anything. I know what I'm supposed to think and how I'm supposed to act and I try to do those things. My personal and political views don't change just because I lack the passion in arguing over them, but ... Lordy, it's exhausting just writing about it
That said, I'll continue to try to write my way out of my Writer's Block, as I always do. I'll try to not make it too obvious how cynical I am about everything at the moment and hold on to my sincerity and snarkiness rather than going off the deep end into "Who cares?" territory since -- what fun is that? If you don't care, why bother? And I do care, deep down, just not right now. When I have Writer's Block.
Danielle Belton | 11 Comments | Share Article | Email Article | Print Article | tagged St. Louis, the snob 
Reader Comments (11)
This is writer's block? My version is bootleg. :/
Excellent post. One of your strength lies in writing about your challenges which reflect our challenges...the last post on mental health received 17 comments. You touch people in reflection posts like these. A lot of mega success comes from touching people in some way. athletes, obama, oprah, singers, political leaders, ny times best selling authors...all touch people in some way. remember that danielle.
Excellent line of "...nothing moves me, at all..." Many readers quietly feel the same way...trapped in lives they did not imagine.
Love you. Thank you for making all of us feel less alone.
Okay, I know you suffer from depression, but I'm a usually very happy human being -- and Florissant depresses the hell out of me. Have you been to Left Bank? The City Museum? To Pi for a deep-dish pizza? To The Loop? I had to check into the Moonrise for a few nights over Christmas vacation, because I cannot do north county for more than a couple of nights. Restore your equilibrium -- get out of there!!
I just wanted to say your hair looks amaze in that photo :)
(on topic) Aww! Sending happy writing vibes your way!
@ defunct lawyer
Thanks. I'm actually thinking of writing more about mental illness. In light of what's been happening with some of my friends and colleagues, I'm starting to feel it's almost irresponsible for me not to talk about it if it helps someone.
@ Madliest
Florissant is pretty awful. I'm always reminded why I bailed on the place first shot I got when I go home. It's like, I love and miss my family so much, but the corn fields and strip malls? Not so much. I've been meaning to get downtown to hang out but right now I'm "sharing" a vehicle with my father. (Which is more like he lets me drive his car when he's not using it for his own "Escape From Old Episodes of Matlock.") So I feel bad if I tie up his SUV for long stretches of time during his "peak" hours.
Danielle:
I am moved in with my parents TEMPORARILY (I hope) due to a contract ended. I know where you are coming from, and I appreciate you putting it out there, because I'm sure in a similar place. Just wanted to let you know you are helping, and that you are in my thoughts/prayers. Be well and keep writing!
I very much enjoy your writing--even when I disagree with some articles. Writing for a large & diverse audience is not an easy feat, but I find you to be quite balanced & reasonable.
Congrats on becoming an Aunt soon. It's great.
Sorry to hear about your writer's block, and yeah, just keep writing. You don't have to respond to the posts when people get emotional about the topic. That is supposed to be the goal of the article, right? To get people talking and engaged. You don't have to be the moderator, for the most part, so sit back and try to think of other thought provoking topics. So far, you've done well. Keep it up, babe.
Been going through the same thing for the past few days. What a coincidence. Here's to hoping that we both get out of it sooner rather than later. Cheers to mental health wellness.
Danielle,
This may not work for everyone who wears the meloncholic cloak (that's what I call depression), but the art museum is so therapeutic for some reason. But why I've never been to the top of the arch is incomprehensible. Although I must admit, at times, it takes too much energy to get dressed and start the car. I've been dabbling in poetry as of late. So, instead of flat-out writing about my "condition," I wax poetic with a touch of anecdotal humor. Just thought I'd share.
If you like stretching it out outdoors, Tower Grove Park has pay-what-you-want yoga on Saturdays from 9-10 am.