New Hampshire: Ugh. Is Mittens The Nominee Yet?
Wednesday, January 11, 2012 at 10:13AM
So New Hampshire held the first primary of the 2012 election season (for those playing at home Iowa was a "caucus"), and Mitt Romney won by a healthy 39 percent.
Meaning, Romney is still the front-runner, still the "inevitable" nominee, still destined to go up against incumbent President Barack Obama in the fall. Oh, goody.
Unfortunately, sanity hasn't quite yet returned to the process and how could it? The GOP nominee is still this smarmy, punchable, grown up Richie Rich making $10,000 bets and calling corporations people and talking about how he hates to run out of pink slips. (Or maybe he was afraid to get a pink slip? I dunno. How do you get fired when you're the boss? Can God make an object so heavy even He can't pick it up? Mind-boggles.)
Proof that it's still crazytown can be found how on my first day back in D.C. after being out-of-town for two months I turn on the ol' television to the cable news and Mr. 9-9-9 is there, in the flesh, offering "advice" to Mitt "Mittens" Romney "Romney-kins" about this 2012 car crash primary season. Herman Cain offering anyone advice is beyond comical, but is indicative of our modern politics where someone like him could be taken with any amount of seriousness.
Hell, Ron Paul came in second to Romney in the New Hampshire primary. Ron Paul has delegates this time around. DELEGATES.
It's so bad, John McCain -- the man who couldn't beat Obama in 2008 -- had to endorse Romney, the man who couldn't beat McCain, by accidentally endorsing Obama.
FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!
Seriously, GOP. Forfeit, while not hot in the streets, is still an option. You can call "takesies-backsies" on this, shout "My Bad" and just shout shouty things at Obama for the rest of the year. You don't have to do this humiliating thing by having the best off-Brand supermarket mayonnaise also known as Mitt Romney as your best option out of a sea of terrible options.
What's crazy is, Obama is actually beatable. He had a rough four years. The economy is slowly coming back, but a lot of people are still unemployed and miserable. The GOP did a great job grinding Congress to a halt the last year. Before that, the Democrats messed up and lost the House by disappointing everyone. His poll numbers were down (before they started to inch up again).
But it's a testament to how terrible the Republican field is that when Obama was looking down, this was the best they could do. I realize that the GOP likes to talk about "TelePrompTer" this and "57 states" that, completely ignoring how Obama performed in the 2008 campaign, how he performed in debates, how you can never, ever invite him to a GOP retreat again because "IT'S A TRAP" and he'll completely eat your lunch, drink your milkshake, then get that dirt off his shoulder. He wants it to be just you and him and the TV cameras. He wants this. Throw him in the briar patch. Do it.
Make his day.
So you're going to send Mitt Romney in there to get thumped in the head? The guy gets flustered just debating the clown car candidates he's dealt with since this summer. He could barely handle Michele Bachmann, who is insane, or Rick Perry, who is an intellectual light-weight, or Ron Paul, who is insane, or Newt Gingrich, who is an unrepentant asshole, or Rick Santorum, who is ALSO insane. As much as I dislike pretty much every candidate in the GOP field, almost all of them at least have a distinct personality and crackpot ideology that makes them special. Except Jon Huntsman who is the Diet Crystal Pepsi to Romney's regular Crystal Pepsi. I can see why someone would get super excited about Bachmann or Paul. I can see why someone would be a die hard Santorum fan.
All Romney has going for him is some of the oldest old head losers in GOP politics. John McCain? George "Poppy" Bush? Bob Dole? John "Air" Sununu? At least in Poppy's defense he did get to be president for four years, but he's still a one-termer. Who cares what these old barnyard animals think?
I know Chris Matthews keeps telling anyone who will listen on MSNBC that Democrats fall in love and Republicans fall in line, but that didn't go so hot for them in 2008 when many Christian conservatives found sometimes-Democratic collaborator John McCain a bridge too far to the mainstream. I don't know how the establishment is going to pull off this Romney deal when most Christian conservatives think Mormonism is a cult and Mitt Romney's membership of the Church of Latter Day Saints makes him the political equivalent of a thousand Jay-Z and Beyonce Illuminati rumors.
And another note: Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman (who came in third in New Hampshire) could have almost tied Romney for his New Hampshire win with their votes combined, which again proves that if for some reason the other GOPers still running could coalesce around one guy, one of the other "Anybody But Mitts," that ABM could seriously challenge him. But this problem is a pure "crabs in a bucket" problem where all the other candidates are so marginal, yet petty, none can decide which douche should get to be king of the "Not Romneys."
After all, they're all equally horrible. Why should Perry get to be the Not Romney over Paul, when Paul has gotten more votes? Why should Paul back any Not Romney, who's not himself, electability be damned since none of them are really electable? Why should Newt help Santorum? Everyone's eyeing the other guy going, "Not Romney, but not you either."
And another crab goes back into the bucket. Dreams defeated. Campaign hopes dashed.
Reader Comments (3)
This is the best the GOP can do. I'm okay with it. I can't see Obama losing to a dude who believes in magic underwear.
Is that an actual magazine cover from Newsweek?
@ CDF
Yes. It is. Sometimes I think Tina Brown over at Newsweek is trolling us. Between this, the Michele Bachmann crazy eyes cover, the Sarah Palin in short jogging shorts cover and the cover with Zombie Princess Diana, they'r pretty much trying to enrage people on purpose to generate buzz. I can't wait to see what election year covers they come up with to potentially offend people.