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Tuesday
Sep272011

GOP Gets Over Rick Perry Crush, But Still Refuses Romney's Hand In Matrimony

Wow. So that was quick? Seems like just last week Gov. Rick Perry of Texas was going to make sweet love to America in a gentle rainfall and we were all going to have "good hair babies" in the form of untaxed and unregulated corporations, but NOPE. Nope. Nope-ity nope. It wasn't meant to be. Rick Perry screwed that up by doing what a-many handsome face before has done. By opening its mouth and continuing to talk.

It's not good enough to look like a tough-talkin' hombre. You actually have to speak eloquently when saying moronic, contradictory things to appeal to an ever-more extreme base.

From The Daily Beast:

Well, that was depressing. There were only two surprises amid the festival of clichés and mendacity that was Thursday night’s Republican debate. The first was the crowd’s angry booing of Stephen Hill, a gay soldier serving in Iraq. Supporting the troops, apparently, only goes so far. The second was how poorly Rick Perry performed. Yes, we’ve already learned that he’s not very good at these things. But in Texas, he has a reputation as a ruthless campaigner, which makes his fumbling amateurishness on the national stage seem odd. At one point, he tried a line on Mitt Romney that was obviously rehearsed in advance, and flubbed it so badly that I almost felt bad for him—you could see the panic and frustration on his face.

“I think Americans just don’t know sometimes which Mitt Romney they’re dealing with,” he said. “Is it the Mitt Romney that was on the side of against the Second Amendment, was before he was before the social programs from the standpoint of he was for standing up for Roe versus Wade, before he was against verse Roe versus Wade he was for Race to the Top. He’s for Obamacare and now he’s against it.”

That face was for lookin'. And posin' for pictures with guns in your hands. Not debatin' and politickin'. Your face sucks at that, Rick Perry. It sucks bad.

It was so awful, conservative activists "punished" Perry by voting known Godfather Pizza man Herman Cain the winner of a Florida straw poll.

I was on CNN recently, chatting with Fredricka Whitfield when I pointed out Perry's flaw was always that he'd never actually had to run against anyone who was ever any kind of threat. Even George W. Bush had to beat the popular Ann Richards to become governor of Texas. Rick Perry got to ride in on the Dubya wave and just never left, bumping up from second-in-command to head enchilada once Bushie decided he wanted to wear America's big pants and run the country into the ground.

I don't know why Perry thought his hair was so magical that it would hypnotize the bipolar Republican base when he, of little debate experience and not nearly enough immigrant hate, was going to struggle with all the Goldilocks properties of the GOP litmus test. You can't be too hot or too cold. And Texas, unlike Arizona, has a pretty healthy, mutually beneficial relationship with Mexico. You're just not going to get some border control Nazis out of Texas when pretty much anyone with any money living there is actively working with Mexicans in their businesses, learning Spanish and marrying Mexicans to bolster both ties and sexy-times.

This was essentially the Bushes problem, since Jeb had married a Mexican-born woman and all the Bushes were for immigration reform. Most white Texas "establishment" Republicans see the Mexican American population as the key to shoring up their conservative base with a bunch of conservative-leaning, English-as-a-second-language, Our Lady of Guadalupe worshiping Catholics. How anti-immigrant could they ever be? 

But the REST of the GOP based screwed that up! So now everyone with a Spanish surname who isn't Cuban is still afraid that the right wing is going to come into their house while they're sleeping and deport them whether they're citizens or not.

What's startling though, the GOP, rather than accepting My Fair Mittens as their "Once and Future King To Lose Against Obama In 2012," they continue to look elsewhere for false idols and "Great Right Hopes" who aren't named for things that keep your hands warm in the winter.

And sure, ol' New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie sounds so "hot" to GOPers, but he's governor of a dreaded Blue State. What reasonably, not-assholey things has he done to appease those Blue Staters that would make the base hate him? Is he friends with a gay soldier? Did he not kill people with the death penalty since New Jersey got rid of the death penalty in 2007? Would he want to save a dying uninsured man? Does he hire Muslim people and think this "Sharia Law in America" crap is a bunch of crap?

OMG! OF COURSE HE DOES! UNELECTABLE! BURN HIM! HE'S A WITCH!

Establishment GOPers keep thinking of who would look good in a general when their base is so marginalized that anyone with half-a-brain can't even make it out of a primary. If you're a Republican who even looks like you might want to actually help a person who ISN'T a corporation, you're dead, man. DOA. Don't even bother showing up to a debate. You'll get pushed to the back next to Jon Huntsman, speaking Chinese, and getting nothing for it.

I know, I know, conservatives. You've tried the brand of Vanilla-flavored thunder Mitt Romney brought before and you were like "Ugh. Really?" I know. It's so band! And Mormon! But the sooner you accept your fate to back Evil Ned Flanders Who Sucks At Being Evil for President the better off you'll be. I know. You're worried he'll lose in a general. OF COURSE HE WILL! But so will everyone else you keep tossing up if you hold on to that litmus test! Nobody can pass that thing! Everyone in America has a gay cousin or shared a drinking fountain with a Mexican at some point in their lives! The sooner you accept that people in government use the government to help people sometimes, the better off you'll be. What sense does it make electing an "anti-government" person to a government position anyway? You tried that! And those Tea Party people in Congress are just TERRIBLE

You guys are the exact opposite of Democrats who are obsessed with winning a general and always pick the most inoffensive person possible to appease independent voters. (Obviously the only voter that matters to the Democratic party.) But in Right Wing America, if the fringe doesn't like it, you don't touch it. Must be nice to have the inmates running that lovely Doomsday cult of yours, GOP. Let me know how that works out for you.

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