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Monday
Aug152011

T-Paw Calls It Quits, Rick Perry Makes It Official and Bachmann Wins Meaningless Iowa Straw Poll

The past weekend was extremely eventful in the race for 2012 as one Republican jumped in, one jumped out and another continued her pursuit to harass us with inanity for a few more months before she gets bounced out for being completely out-of-her-gourd.

Minnesota's Tim Pawlenty, after a quixotic campaign of trying too hard and Michael Bay-esque advertisements, came in a distant third in the Iowa Straw Poll. The loss effectively killed his ability to raise money for the presidential bid absolutely no one asked for, therefore his only options were to continue an irrelevant campaign on the power of his charisma and some shoestring or quit. Alas, T-Paw has never possessed any charisma and his shoestring deposits are over-mined and depleted. So it's over. So over. Time to spend some time with the kids and look for a new gig. Good-bye, T-Paw. I won't even remember you ran two years from now.

On Saturday, Texas Gov. Rick Perry decided it was time to take his reign of terror nationwide, no longer satisfied with simply making Texans miserable. Nope. He wants to spread his legacy of cyncism and fix America by destroying it to the rest of the world, while declaring the time has finally come not for the "real" Bush presidency we thought we had, but the actual, real Rick Perry presidency we deserved. America's death march to the apocalypse just isn't happening fast enough for some, so Perry comes astride a horse named "Pestilence" to finish the job Dick Cheney started, but didn't have the heart to finish. (Literally. It's not that he didn't want to continue terrorizing America. The man is simply too heart attack prone to win an election. Also, he scares people.)

That said, it should be fun watching Perry's perfectly coiffed hair go toe-to-toe with Mittens dark n' lovely hairdo. And by fun, I mean painfully annoying.

The official Charlie Sheen-esque "winning" winner of the weekend, though, was ol' True Believer Barbie, Michele Bachmann, warrior princess of nonsense. Bachmann dominated the Iowa Straw Poll that is so important that known kook Ron Paul came in second. Still, winning the poll is akin to a Groundhog Day situation, such as when Punxsutawney Phil looks out of his hole in the ground, sees his shadow and realizes there will be six more weeks of winter, Bachmann's win means we have about four-to-six months more of her potentially offending everyone from gays to womenfolk to black people to non-crazy people, until the Republican Powers-That-Be get tired of the sideshow and order that she either endorse Good Hair #1 or Good Hair #2 or face banishment to a weekend afternoon commentary slot on FOX News. Which actually isn't that raw of a deal, but I truly think Bachmann is in this to win it, and won't go unless she is either soundly run out of the race or Jesus comes down from heaven, riding a horse named "It's Over," and tells her that her candidacy will actually delay the apocalypse needed to happen so he can finally return to Earth to rule, effectively ending the American experiment altogether.

Short of that though, about four more months of her wailing about.

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Reader Comments (1)

I would love to see Bachmann in a Wizard of Oz spoof on SNL. That husband as the Lion. It writes itself.

August 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterWenzel Dashington
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