Tyler Perry Is Rich Now And He Can Do Whatever He Wants
Wednesday, February 2, 2011 at 8:00AM
Photo Hat Tip: Necole Bitchie Maybe you heard? Tyler Perry (of the Madea Perrys) replaced your girlfriends' new favorite piece of black actor chocolate Idris Elba for a part that was once portrayed on the big screen by Meemaw's No. 1 man-crush, Morgan Freeman. Now before you start rendering your garments and suicide dropping to the floor let's remember this important fact -- Tyler Perry is rich now and can do whatever he wants.
Remember a couple summers ago when we went to see the J.J. Abrams Star Trek reboot and we had our fingers crossed that somehow the nerds would sneak Michael Dorn (Worf!) in so he could claim being a character in all three timelines of the Star Trek universe? (What? You didn't do this? I'm-a gonna need your Starfleet badge.)
But remember how there was this sweet bit part in there as a Starfleet Admiral, perfect for an Easter Eggy kind of character actor like Dorn but instead Tyler Perry was there? And you and the other fanboys n' girls were like how in the name of warp core ejection did Madea end up in space?
Tyler Perry is rich now and he can do whatever he wants.
Remember this year you were pulling your locs out and crying because you were convinced -- nay KNEW -- Tyler Perry would destroy Ntozake Shange's film version of her seminal choreopoem "For Colored Girls" and how you were the Woman In Red in your high school production and it changed your teenage black neo-soul hipster life? That it made you get rid of your perm, grow out your locs, go to NYU, earn a bunch of degrees, move to Park Slope, try to date Toure, have that not work out and now you work at a dental technician's office? And how you took to Twitter and you cried and just when you thought Shange would come down from the mountain top and validate your concerns she was all, "I think it was very good." And you were all OH MY GOD WHAT PLANET IS THIS WHERE THAT WIG-WEARIN' MAN COULD TOUCH MY NICE THINGS!?!?!?
Tyler Perry is rich now and he can do whatever he wants.
I'm-a let you get it out first though. Go ahead. Get it out. I'll wait.
Are you done? OK. Lemme explain something ...
There is the world, the one you and I live in, the normal world, where you have to stand in lines and go on auditions and sit through job interviews and you have to go through pointless first date after pointless first date to find the things you want and need in life. And then there's the First Class world of those who have some comfort and can get good tables in restaurants you can't afford and can take a nice vacation once a year with the second wife or husband. And THEN there's the world Oprah and Dick Cheney live in.
Very few people get to Oprah/Cheney.
Once you get to Oprah/Cheney level you can pretty much shoot a person in the face on and everyone will look the other way until you calmly walk off to wash the blood from your hands as Gail and Stedman order someone to stuff James Frey's body in a wood chipper somewhere far upstate where "No one will ever know, Oprah. NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!"
Or, if the dude doesn't die, he'll get on TV and apologize for his face getting in the way of your bullets.
You don't live in that world. And you're never going to get to that world. That world is a dream you can't even dare to have. But ...
Tyler Perry is rich now and he can do whatever he wants.
He doesn't have "fuck you" money, my friends. He has "my films have made $400 million worldwide" money.
Idris never had a chance. What was the last film he was in that pulled in more than $100 million? What weekends has he opened? But, more importantly, what checks can he write for a studio that likes sure things?
And I hope you like Tyler Perry as Alex Cross because Tyler is ready to drop the drag and spread his thespian wings. Hope you like Tyler Perry as Othello because next week he might discover both white women AND Shakespeare. Perry as Martin Luther King, Jr.? Who else could finance it with mattress money? Perry as Selassie. Perry as Kunta. Perry as Marley. Perry as Anonymous in "Invisible Man." Perry as the titular boy in "Black Boy." Perry as Porgy AND Bess. It's DONE. Accept this. And move on to coping when your kid comes up to you wanting to do a Black History Month monologue in church from "Diary of A Mad Black Woman."
He's a man of wealth and taste now. But he'll still think of you fondly and the time you spent together on the Chitlun Circuit. That rainy night in Macon, Ga., dreaming of making it big and you told him maybe it was time to go back to community college. Maybe learn a trade? Settle down like you were about to do with Mabel even if you weren't sure about it. She was a good woman. Or rather, a good enough woman. And if you married her folks would finally stop asking and maybe the rumors would die down. And you could learn to love her. She was having your child. And you didn't want to be a statistic. You wanted to make it work, even though you didn't know if you could. And Tyler Perry told you over that last cup of Ramen that he couldn't let it go and he just couldn't be you and Mabel. But he'd always remember you. Even when getting his pedicure, every haircut, every red carpet, he would think of you. You and him, scrappin' it up. Praising Jesus in the name of Jesus. Good times. What's that? Your wife is pregnant again and your house is in foreclosure? She might leave you for Jeff in accounting? Still haven't found that job, huh? Had to wait in a really long line for your unemployment? And she's taking the kids?
Damn, brah.
Yeah. That's rough buddy, Tyler Perry said with a far-away look in his eye, like he couldn't connect with you anymore. Like he didn't even really know you. Like you never knew each other or that cup of Ramen or that one night in Macon. And you're dying a little over dinner at Chow's because you knew you were in the wrong and now he's moved on. That there was a time when you worried about him and how silly all his poorly written dreams were.
Anyway. Jet's waiting. He said. Oprah, me and a few friends are going to Aspen to ski. None of us actually ski, but we really like spiced rum and tight snow pants so ... you know? And Oprah is so funny. You wouldn't now that, because you don't know Oprah. But ... you know? She really is. And it's just so weird. How it all turned out.
Life's just different since I got money now.
Reader Comments (28)
lol. did NY, met toure, tried locs, however did you know
What's cool about this post? There are so many sly "I Used To Believe" references in it and so very many "Things Aren't Always As They Appear" truths. I LOVED IT. And what's even better (and, I suspect, your goal, Danielle)? So many of us who believe we're true believers: 1. didn't know what we believed, 2. believed hard until we learned new facts (that were there all along, but unseen, per the starry-eyed blindness of youth and/or "solidarity"), 3. were bamboozled, hoodwinked, took (I remember when a certain reference made public the "crucial" inquiry of said reference's soon-to-be spouse and how STUNNED so many were by the choice, given the "horse" ridden by said reference to fame and TV spots as a talking head "expert"), and/or 4. wouldn't be any better, were we at Oprah/Cheney (or even Tyler, heck, House of Representatives level)! True believers are amazing and wonderful ... and rarer than rare. Especially in America, it seems that everyone who can has either left the Poor Party or plans to leave as soon as they can. We wanna be RICH, eff the struggle or struggling!
A sad. Go ahead and have it while fixing thine face and broken heart. I'm making a Pandora station outta this Pink song. Thanks for giving me an anthem when I break free from the huddled, unwashed, and brokety-broke masses! ;o)
Oh Danielle...how I love it when you let your smart-humor really rip. You are amazingly hilarious. I love this post so much, I wanna take it behind the bleachers and get it pregnant.
LOL. Interesting post.
Re: "OH MY GOD WHAT PLANET IS THIS WHERE THAT WIG-WEARIN' MAN COULD TOUCH MY NICE THINGS!?!?!?"
Laughing to keep from crying, over here......
"He's a man of wealth and taste"
So is Satan.
LMAO @ Perry as Porgy AND Bess.....you know he thought about it.
He’ll never get the movie rights to Invisible Man. If he does, that would be a clear sign of the impending Apocalypse.
@ All
I'm so glad folks enjoyed this post as much as I enjoyed writing it. I had a grand ol' time. Best believe it.
@ Val
Someone likes the Stones as much as I do!
That was fanf*ckingtastic. Consider me a new fan!
"Perry as Porgy AND Bess. It's DONE."
And so am I. **DEAD**
Great article.
Also... Praisin Jesus in the name of Jesus? LMAO! Who says that? A friggin genius, that's who. Consider it stolen.
You are priceless Snob.
"Perry as Porgy AND Bess. It's DONE. "
DEAD************** (rapidly blinking)
I am just confused out of all the Black actors in the world they choose Tyler, were they all no more, I need a break. Denzel, Will Smith, Don Cheadle, Forest, Laurence, Chiwetel the list is a mile long of A-list talent and they pick Perry. I'd rather see Anthony Anderson at least he has some action film experience. Better yet just let Morgan Freeman play the part and use some CG to de-age him.
As to Tyler's alleged worldwide film appeal, his films have not been shown worldwide and those that have never made it to a million, the closet was the 1st Why did I get married which made about 660,000 (most of that was in South Africa) and it was only shown in 2 countries. He has no worldwide fan base he has a USA based, Black predominately female church-going fan base (my Granny and Mama included) who I doubt seriously will make the trek to see him in this.
I do respect him going for what he wants though but the Producers need their heads examined.
Brilliant Danielle! @ Jamel (with an Avery Brooks voice) ha ha, NEVER SAY NEVER!
Yep!@Danielle
"Tyler Perry Presents Tyler Perry's Porgy & Bess"
Sorry, couldn't resist. I'm still thinking about that SNL skit.
Snob, Is this gonna be the film where Alex Cross reveals that he was traded for a color tv as a child to his Uncle "played by Cicily Tyson in her groundbreaking first ever cross-dressing roll for sex? "You SOOOLLLD ME! (shaky "Miss Sofia" "You told Hoppo to beat me voice")You took my childhood away to see Andy Griffin in color! I HATE Opie because of YOOOOOUUUUUU!" Can't wait. Can you?
I thought nothing could be worse than when Diddy beat out Andre Braugher for best actor at the NAACP Image Awards a few years back. I "stands" corrected! *drops mike, leaves stage*
Absolutely hilarious, true and scary.
Snob, you need to stop! Great, hysterical article! The saddest part is, this is the end of what could have been an excitingly revitalized film franchise. Perry's audience is not the audience for an Alex Cross film, and white audiences aren't going to be interested in seeing Madea messing up their James Patterson. This is hella stupid, but may at least be amusing if Perry rocks that hilltop haircut he had in "The Family that Preys" to show how "serious" he is. Maybe they can market it as a stealth comedy; it will be unintentionally funny anyway!
I saw this the other day and shared it with a friend, who also thinks Tyler Perry is a hot *fabulous* mess lol. I guess when you get to be that successful the only thing left to do is poke a little fun at yourself and award winning films. Great post! Feel free to check out my blog, Urban Minded. I just made a post for the upcoming film, "Yelling to the Sky" with Zoey Kravitz and Gabourey Sidibe. Peace and blessings!
http://urbanminded1.blogspot.com/
The problem with you self loathing haters is...none of you are providing enrichment to the black community, Are you providing jobs to black actors and actresses, technicians, craftsmen...do you donate substatively to HBCUs, and Black Charities...well Tyler does! Now Im not a fan of every project the brother does! And didnt go to see Colour Girls, but can rest assure he is following the model that people like Spike Lee and Tony Brown heralded in the 80s and 90s that we should use!
Stop bitchin and use your collective resources, and energies to make films and good scripts and add to the creative process!
I'm less disgusted by this and MORE trouble by that trailer I saw with Martin Lawrence not only doing another movie from the already tiresome 'Big Momma' franchise but another GUY playing his son is in drag as well hey Jamel the Apocalypse is already upon us save me Jeebus save meeeeee!