Newt Gingrich Wants To Be Your Man While Your Romney Gently Weeps

Mitt Romney just can't catch a break! Just when The Cain Train finally derailed and crashed under the duress of lady scandals and abject stupidity, it was Newt Gingrich who got the poll bump. Going into the January caucuses, Newt is in the lead. Politico is reporting that Romney is looking to "reboot" himself, as if he's the Spider-Man film franchise or something. Maybe he could re-cast his campaign by keeping the name, but having actor Ryan Gosling run in his place?

Ryan Gosling looks nothing like Mitt Romney. That's why some recasting could only help.Couldn't hurt! That Gosling is so hot right now! I saw him in, like, nine hundred-and-ninty-nine movies this summer!

But it's going to take more than recasting this political romance to get the Romney fires -- that were never burning that hot in America to begin with -- flaming again.

There's a reason why Americans don't like arranged marriages. 

Staunch individualists, even when it means they might die alone with all fifteen of their cats, Americans don't like settling down with some guy just because they're "supposed to." And it doesn't matter that Mitt Romney, the Mormon Ned Flanders, patiently waited his turn to court America, invite her to finest ice cream socials and non-caffienated soda pop sock hops, then whisk her away to look (but not touch) at the Romney Money Room. It doesn't matter that he's a tall, good looking, non-smoker, non-drinker, multi-millionaire from a political family who just wants to settle down. He also appears to have no problem lying to your face, over and over, then quantifying and changing those lies to suit whatever America is feeling at the time.

He just wants to America's man! And he doesn't care what he has to say or do to go about it ... other than convert to a less controversial sect of Christianity. Which, of course, only irritates America more. Romney is the living embodiment of the 1993 Meatloaf hit "I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)." He'll do anything to be president! 

But become Presbyterian or Baptist or Episcopalian or just about ANY much more preferable whorshiper of Jesus to his conservative voting base.

Meaning (Conservative) America keeps refusing to accept this horrid reality of settling down with a man they can't/won't believe in. So America's tried dancing with Michele Bachmann (too crazy), Rick Perry (too stupid) and Herman Cain (America was drunk and finally sobered up). She couldn't get any new guys to join the bachelor race, so she was left to pick among the also-rans for her next fling. 

Leaving us with her some guy she dated and dumped back in mid-'90s, Newt Gingrich.

When Newt decided he wanted to woo America it wasn't because he thought America was a fascinating woman that anyone would be excited to cuddle up next to at night. Nope. Newt thought America should be the one chasing after his fastidious, blow-hardy frame, and he ran his presidential campaign accordingly. He insulted both constituents and staff, neglected his own campaign for overseas trips, said just about any dang thing he pleased, even if those things were counter-productive and contradictionary. Because ... why not? He didn't stand that much of a chance at winning anyway. Why not "keep it real?" And for Gingrich, being "real" was being generally smug, condescending, patronizing and smarmy.

Typically this wouldn't work for America, since she normally isn't into chasing a future president down, begging for his hand in governmental matrimony. But like countless upwardly mobile women dating in urban centers complaining of the dearth of college-educated, eligible bachelors on "her level," Newt's not the kind of guy who ever looks good when you have a variety of choices. But when your political love connections have watered down to the squirrelly Ayn Rand-worshiping Libertarian nerd and a soulless, wealthy Mormon automoton, Eddie Haskell starts to look pretty good.

From Huffington Post:

Gingrich has certainly experienced a surge in support. Two new national surveys from Gallup and Fox News now show Gingrich with support in the mid-30-percent range and a wide lead over Mitt Romney and the rest of the Republican primary field. The current estimate produced by the HuffPost Pollster chart, which is based on all available public polls, gives Gingrich a lead of 37 to 20 percent over Romney, with the rest of the Republican field in single digits.

BUT!!!

Although a plurality of Republicans now prefers Gingrich nationwide, it is also evident that most Republicans remain uncertain about how they will vote in their primaries or caucuses next year. The CNN/ORC poll conducted in late November, for example, found just over a quarter of Republicans (27 percent) said they would definitely support their first choice, with the rest either willing to change their minds (67 percent) or still completely undecided (6 percent).

Sigh. What's a girl to do?

Well, if you're me, you're not really looking for a new man. I feel sorry for my conservative counterparts, but they only have themselves to blame for such slim pickings. When you foist litmus test after litmus test and decry people who refuse to go right of Atilla the Hun and label candidates who might have once gently patted a Mexican-American child on the head and said a nice thing as monsters, who did you expect to show up to court you? When your political "dream guy" is Zombie Ronald Reagan and even you have to admit that Reagan would be a "Republican In Name Only" in today's political environment ... what's left to love? Do you even know "how to love" anymore? Do you?

Your standards are impossible, conservatives. And Americans with impossible standards end up eating the whole carton of Chunky Monkey alone, while listening to Drake's "Take Care" album on repeat wondering why there's so much damn singing on this rap album. Thinking, "Drake sings now? Did he always sing? And if he did and I didn't know it does that mean I'm out of touch? Nope. That can't be true. I actually know who Drake and Wayne and all 'em are. I'm not out of touch. Not me. Man, Pharell just ruined everyone with this shit. Kanye, Drake, everyone's singing now! At least when Nelly-Crucial Conflict-Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony-Slick Rick-Biz Markie did it they did it without AUTO-TUNE. OMG. I remember when Nelly-Crucial Conflict-Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony-Slick Rick-Biz Markie did it because I'm OLD! I'm OOOOLLLLLDDD!

That said, I can't wait for Romney to enter his "Drake" phrase of political courting, head up to "Marvin's Room" and tell Iowans to "fuck that Gingrich you love so bad." Maybe he'll have Ryan Gosling as him sing it? Singing as Romney, "just sayin' you could do better."

Comments

[khrish]

I would love to be the one to make a "minnie chocolate pie" for Newt. He really deserves one. Or perhaps Carlista could stand close enough to him that her hair would stab him. I so dislike this man