Herman Cain! He's still running for president! But with the number of crises breaking all around our representative from Godfather Pizza, it can be hard to keep track. Where did they all come from? And how did they happen? Well, The Snob is here to help you out with my handy Black Snob Cain Crisis Watch List!
Cain entered the race as a somewhat fresh face For Beleaguered Tea Partiers Who Considered Political Suicide When Mitt Romney Wasn't Enuf. He was fun! He was exciting! He sang some gospel songs ... badly! But fun! Then he just ... kept ... talking. And talking. And talking. And as he rose in the polls, the more attention he received from the press and many, many feet wound up taking permanent residency in his mouth.
Here's a record of those feet.
1) Nein! Nein! Nein!
The Foot: Herman Cain's controversial tax plan, the 9-9-9 Plan. He says it will promote fairness in our tax code. Critics say it will shift the tax burden on the poor and middle class.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: During a series of debates, Cain's idea repeatedly got punched in the face with the most fatal blows coming from just about everyone else on the stage, including Mitt Romney during the Las Vegas debate when it turned into an embarrassing discussion of "Apples v. Oranges," and during the Bloomberg News debate when Michele Bachmann totally went there and said 9-9-9 was a little too close to 6-6-6. Cain's not Abel! He's got the Mark of the Beast, according to Bachmann! The power of Christ compells you!
Ultimate Foot Fatality: The makers of the video game Sim City point out Cain's advisors may have ripped of the 9-9-9 plan from their game, Sim City 4, which was like crack to me.
Cain's Response: He tried to tweak the plan and still insists that it works. Cain has said 9-9-9 so many times, my mother doesn't call him Herman Cain, but the "9-9-9 Man." Typical conversation: "Danielle, did you hear what that crazy 9-9-9 man said today?"
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2) The US-Mexican Border: It's Electric!
The Foot: Herman Cain suggests that we fight illegal immigration from Mexico by building a fence and sending an electric charge through it, killing people coming here to wash dishes, cut lawns, babysit, repair our storm damaged houses for cheap and pick fruit. Critics say this is both illegal AND immoral. People continue to ask him about this and he keeps having to explain it away. Some say if you lift a sea shell to your hear you can still hear him explaining in the echo.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: The minute he said that shit out-loud.
Ultimate Foot Fatality: When after saying it was a joke he later said, "I don't like to offend anyone ... however, I don't apologize for using a combination of a fence. And it might be electrified -- I'm not walking away from that." Wait? What!
Cain's Response: Cain said "America has got to learn how to take a joke." But the Hispanic Caucus in Congress wasn't laughing and said the whole thing was "insensitive" and insulting and not a serious addition to our immigration debate.
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The Foot: Herman Cain takes pride in not knowing who the President of Uzbekistan is, celebrating his foreign policy ignorance in a way that reminded me of a Chris Rock line from "Bigger and Blacker" about certain black people who take great pride in not knowing things.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: When talking to the Christian Broadcasting Network's David Brody, Brody asked if Cain was prepared for those "gotcha" foreign policy questions presidential candidates often get to test the breadth of their knowledge. Cain responded that he was "ready" for the gotcha questions and famously laid out his strategy of answering a question WITH a question: "And when they ask me who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan I’m going to say, you know, I don’t know. Do you know? And then I’m going to say how’s that going to create one job?"
Ultimate Foot Fatality: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai "got jokes."
Cain's Response: Blame "Colonel" West and Harry Belafonte for not wanting black people to think for themselves. (I know. It didn't make sense to me either.)
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4) Book Tour In The Middle of A Campaign
The Foot: When every other fake candidate is taking up residency in Iowa and New Hampshire, Cain was in Mississippi selling his new book. Critics ask, is this campaign really just an elaborate ruse to push dead trees?
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: During book tour/campaign, Cain said: "My American dream," he boomed, "was, when I grow up, I want to make me some money!" Well, the book is most certainly doing that!
Ultimate Foot Fatality: Former Cain staffers criticize Cain's book tour, campaign, organization skills, "diva" attitude in the friggin' New York Times.
Cain's Response: He meant to do that. He is sooo campaigning. Alabama has a primary! (Much later.) And, you know? Maybe he'll need those folks' votes. Also, the campaign claims the book tour has helped raise Cain's national profile and is part of his "unorthodox" strategy.
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5) Abortion Is A Private Decision We Should Outlaw
The Foot: Someone asked Herman Cain his opinion about abortion and he gave an answer that made no sense. Critics on both sides wondered if Cain was pro-abortion. Cain said he was not.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: Cain told Piers Morgan the government shouldn't interfere with "personal" family decisions. But he also thinks life begins at conception and abortion should be illegal. So ... he's for people breaking the law if it suits them?
Ultimate Foot Fatality: Rick Santorum compared Cain's abortion position to Hillary Clinton. Calling a Republican "Clinton-esque" is almost akin to calling someone a "Niggerhead Ranch Lover."
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6) Courting Black Voters By Insulting Them
The Foot: Herman Cain says black people are "brainwashed" into not liking him because he's a conservative. Critics, who also happen to be black people, tell Cain he needs to put down "the symbolic crack pipe." Columnist Leonard Pitts wondered if Cain was "ashamed" to be black.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: Herman Cain gives his racialized political theory on why black people overwhelmingly vote Democratic while chatting with CNN's Wolf Blitzer. He says they thoughtlessly won't consider the conservative POV, so all black people, everywhere, must be brainwashed.
Ultimate Foot Fatality: Cain implicitly calls all black people stupid and will follow anyone who gives them a biscuit, which is just about the most self-loathing thing ever. Other conservatives, who happen to be white, repeat this ad nauseum with glee. The fact that no one points out how racist this logic is in the media is beyond annoying. It's no different than blanketly labeling any group with a stereotype and ignores the last 60 years of American politics as if it never happened.
Cain's Response: Eh. You can insult black people when you're not really trying to get their votes. Cain is trying to get Tea Party votes from people who think the only real racism that exists today is against poor, beleaguered rich white people.
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7) Broke? It's Your Fault
The Foot: Herman Cain goes after the Occupy Wall Street protesters, dismissing the movement during a time when most politicians had backed off from criticism and have gone into "wait and see" mode. Especially with a plurality of Americans liking the whole idea of someone being mad as hell and not taking it anymore.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: In an interview with the Wall Street Journal Cain admits he doesn't really know what he's talking about, but these protesters are bad news and should only blame themselves if they don't have jobs.
Ultimate Foot Fatality: Saying out loud, "I don’t have facts to back this up, but I happen to believe that these demonstrations are planned and orchestrated to distract from the failed policies of the Obama administration. Don’t blame Wall Street, don’t blame the big banks, if you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself!"
Cain's Response: Despite the criticism, Cain is unrepentant. He recently said the protesters should "Go home and get a job and get a life."
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8) Negotiating With Terrorists
The Foot: Herman Cain, who obviously has never read the book "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie ..." says he'd release every prisoner in Gitmo in a trade with Al Qaeda if terrorists nab one of our people. Critics everywhere experience violent head explosions. Clean up is expensive.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: Cain makes the mistake of giving another interview to discuss foreign policy with CNN's Wolf Blitzer. Nothing good can come from Cain talking to anyone at this point.
Ultimate Foot Fatality: Not remembering that the United States DOES NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS! Ever. No exceptions. You get snatched and all you'll get is a sternly written letter from Obama talking about "we'll build a really nice statue in your honor when we get your corpse back, and I'll revenge murder the people who murdered you!" Hell, most US citizens are shit out of luck if they get snatched by sovereign countries we have flaky diplomatic relations with. You better hope Jesse Jackson, Bill Clinton or some other "private" but influential citizen comes to get your ass, because the government ain't doin' it.
Cain's Response: After another CNN debate, Cain tells Anderson Cooper that he "misspoke."
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9) No Negotiation For Palestinians, But Negotiate For Palestine!
The Foot: Herman Cain botches his pro-Israel talk during a debate when after saying "no negotiations" for Palestinians, he says he's for negotiation their "right of return" to their homeland. Oops.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: During a FOX News debate, Cain started smoothly with his whole never negotiate with Palestinians big man talk. But revealed he actually knew nothing about the Israeli-Palestinian crisis when host Chris Wallace asked Cain what he thought of the Palestinian "Right of Return." Cain answered: "That is something that should be negotiated." And, "They should have a right to come back if that is a decision that Israel wants to make."
Ultimate Foot Fatality: Cain digs in deeper with his "don't know much about foreign policy" chat when he admits to Chris Wallace in an interview "he has no idea what to do about the war in Afghanistan — and he promised not to make a plan until he’s sworn in as President." Oh, OK.
Cain's Response: He misspoke, again.
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10) Block Being Block But Who the Hell Is Block?
The Foot: That commercial featuring some dude you don't know talking about Herman Cain that ends with a camera person rudely interrupting his smoke break. Critics said, "Huh?"
Moment when Foot Entered Mouth: Reporters discover Cain has a YouTube channel filled with quixotic video ads, causing pundits and comedians to roast Cain and his campaign chief of staff Mark Block for several days straight.
Cain's Response: Let Block be Block!
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11) Remember 9/11 By Offending Everyone
The Foot: Herman Cain puts together a 9/11 tribute video that features the "terrorism porn" most TV networks have avoided showing over the past decade due to not wanting to disrespect the sheer horror of the day nearly 3,000 people died.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: That video!
Ultimate Foot Fatality: He's singing on the track over the carnage!
Cain's Response: They were proud of it. Said Cain recorded the song in one take.
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12) Is Herman Cain An Old, Sexually Harassin' Cat Daddy?
The Foot: Politico gets the scoop that Cain was accused of sexual harassment during his tenure with the National Restaurant Association.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: Throughout the day after the story break Cain went from "What you talkin' bout, Willis?" to "Oh yeah, THAT sexual harassment claim."
Ultimate Foot Fatality: The controversy is still going strong because Cain is still talking, still adjusting his position, a third woman has surfaced, Block is being Block and has accused the Rick Perry campaign of pushing this story, the Perry campaign is blaming Romney, Block said some radio station in Iowa may also have a sexual harassment complaint too (!!!), Obama sits back and shouts, "DANCE! PUPPETS, DANCE!" as he slaps on another nicotine patch.
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13) World War III Starring Iran
The Foot: Herman Cain says bring it when it comes to a shooting war with Iran over ... wait? What are we doing again? Oh yeah. Something, something foreign policy. Critics are forced to reassemble their re-exploded heads only to have them violently errupt again.
Moment when Foot Entered Mouth: In an interview with Bill O'Reilly on FOX News, Cain botches foreign policy yet again, actually shocking Bill O. when Cain says he'd place warships armed with ballistic missiles near Iran. When O'Reilly suggests that the Iranians might see this as an act of war and fire on us, Cain was all good with starting World War III. It's cool, man. No worries. We can take 'em.
Ultimate Foot Fatality: When your jingoism is scaring Bill O'Reilly you've gone too far. Also, Cain doesn't know what the word "neoconservative" means, proving once again, Cain should punt on all foreign policy questions. Or, hell. Just all questions. Stop talking!
Cain's Response: He claimed these ballistic missiles could potentially stop an assassination plot (referencing the recent plot the Obama Administration claimed they thwarted of a Saudi ambassador), but then, later admitted to noted Neo conservative columnist Charles Krauthammer that those missiles totally wouldn't have stopped an assassination plot. It's reported that Krauthammer is still in a coma from the head implosion his conversation with Cain caused.
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14) Fears of A Nuclear China That Already Has Nukes
The Foot: Obviously to distract you from botching that Iran thing, Cain said we need to worry about China getting the bomb ... that they have had since the 1960s. The world of political criticism is shocked to its foundation when it's reported that Charles Krauthammer finally came out of that coma to only fall back into it again. Also, somewhere in a corner crying is a traumatized Bill O'Reilly.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: During an interview on PBS NewsHour, Cain started talking about foreign policy again (sadly) and mentioned nuclear proliferation. He said he had concerns about China developing nuclear capabilities, despite the fact China has had the bomb since 1964 and possesses a hefty nuclear arsenal.
Ultimate Foot Fatality: Oh, he also thinks China, America's number one payday loan lender and maker of things we buy at Wal-Mart, is a military threat. World War III: It's On Like Hong Kong!: "Yes, they're a military threat," Cain said on the PBS NewsHour, in response to a question from Judy Woodruff. "They've indicated that they're trying to develop nuclear capability and they want to develop more aircraft carriers like we have. So yes, we have to consider them a military threat."
Cain's Response: Cain tells Clarence Thomas' wife Ginni Thomas (!!!) he misspoke.
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15) Campaign Funding? How Does It Work?
The Foot: The New York Times is reporting Herman Cain may have broken election, tax and campaign finance laws by taking money from a group run by the infamous smoking man, Mark Block, who is also his chief of staff. Critics have now all given up and gone home to be with their families, think of better days.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: Today.
Ultimate Foot Fatality: No one on that campaign understanding tax, election and campaign finance law.
Cain's Response: Pending.
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16) "Excuse Me!"
The Foot: Tired of taking questions on that sexual harassment scandal, Cain shouts at reporters that he won't answer their questions. Reporters respond with showing him yelling in a loop on TV; making hilarious Herman Cain "Excuse Me!" ring tone.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: When he told a bunch of people who get paid to ask questions to stop asking questions. Obviously, he's never seen the things the media does with camera footage. Or an episode of "classic" Geraldo-by-the-way-of-"classic"-Mike-Wallace-by-the-way-of-your-local-TV-station's-"investigation"-team ambush grifters on video. Somewhere as he suddenly jolts from a nap Wallace shouts to no one in particular, "MIKE WALLACE! THIS IS '60 MINUTES!'"
Ultimate Foot Fatality: You can't lose your cool in front of a camera. Mike Wallace isn't dead yet.
Cain's response: "EXCUSE ME!" *pushes me out of the way* He also tells Ginni Thomas (Again?!!!) that the media is out to get him: "That is the D.C. culture, guilty until considered innocent."
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17) Read My Lips! No Muslims In Cain Cabinet
The Foot: This was so old, I almost forgot it. Cain once said he wouldn't appoint Muslims to his cabinet because Islam = Sharia Law = Holy War = All Muslims Are Terrorists. Critics, who then were still young and spry and full of hope, pursed their lips with shame or made fun of the then harmless seeming pizza man.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: Back in March when fewer people were paying attention, Cain told ThinkProgress he wouldn't appoint a Muslim to anything because they're so icky. Something, something SHARIA LAW IN AMERICA! Americans who also happen to be Muslim didn't really appreciate these statements. Keith Ellison, a member of Congress who happens to be Muslim, summed this up nicely by saying, "BIGOT!"
Ultimate Foot Fatality: Ellison saying, "It seems like a week doesn't go by without Cain saying something incredibly offensive, so I can only guess that he's doing it on purpose."
Cain's Response: He misspoke, of course! He's totally cool with people who like to name their sons Mohammad and their daughters Fatima, guys! He'd totally appoint one. He wishes he never said that. He's just afraid of the violent ones!
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18) Ginni Thomas Cares If Don't Nobody Else Care
The Foot: For some reason Cain agreed to sit down with Ginni Thomas, wife of Clarence Thomas for a video interview for The Daily Caller. Clarence Thomas was famously accused of sexual harassment 20 years ago during his confirmation hearings for the Supreme Court. This year, Thomas' wife Ginni brought back the 90s ALL OVER AGAIN when she drunk dialed the Brandies professor on a Saturday morning wanting to know if Hill would ever apologize for being so attractive to her gross husband. I still hold a grudge against Ginni for making that disgusting book by Lillian McEwen happen, where she chronicled all her nasty sex with Justice Thomas. There will never be enough bleach for my brain.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: When he agreed to sit down with Ginni Thomas and today when the video was posted online.
Ultimate Foot Fatality: Not understanding how this would look. Ginni Thomas!?!?!?
Cain's Response: Pending.
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19) Everyday, Choose Not to Be Gay
The Foot: Herman Cain says being gay is a choice.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: In that same Piers Morgan interview where the "star" gaffe was on abortion, Cain restated his belief that homosexuality is a choice. When Morgan tried to compare being born gay with being born black, Cain said that wasn't a fair comparison because black "doesn't wash off." (Unless you're one of those black people who doesn't have black skin. Maybe your family tree doesn't "wash." I dunno. This is Herman's show. Not mine.)
Ultimate Foot Fatality: When Cain caused gay rights advocate and sex columnist Dan Savage to completely lose his mind. Savage, quite famously, suggested that Cain engage in a sexual act with him to prove ... um, something. Savage's point seemed to be that if Cain could decide to have oral sex with him that would have Cain "choosing" to be gay for however long that would last. Sigh. This is what Herman Cain does to his critics. Savage probably wrote that after almost dying from the aneurysm Cain's statement gave him. Get well soon, man.
Cain's Response: Cain has not taken Savage up on that offer.
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The Foot: Herman Cain keeps saying he never harassed anyone ever. One lady takes him up on that challenge and says she was harassed, hires super attorney of scored women Gloria Allred.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: Cain, who repeatedly said he was "done" talking about the sexual harassment scandal has to take back what he said and directly address the scandal, yet again. He holds a press conference. Hires a dueling celebrity attorney. Tries to shut this shit down.
Ultimate Foot Fatality: Cain, before giving a somewhat serious and earnest press conference batting down the allegations, goes on Jimmy Kimmel Live and jokes of Gloria Allred, "I can’t think of anything that I would hire her to do.” Critics say this has an odd sexual undertone that totally creeps them out.
Cain's Response: *Crickets* since everyone hates Gloria Allred.
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21) Koch Brothers + Herman Cain = Koch-aine
The Foot: Herman Cain calls ultra-conservative bags o' money, the Koch Brothers, his "brothers from another mother." This is hilarious to some, disturbing to others. Especially since Cain may have broken campaign finance laws in working with them.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: His unabashed promotion of his relationship with the Koch Brothers.
Cain's Response: Cain still loves those Kochs since Koch-aine is a helluva a drug.
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The Foot: More and more women keep insisting on coming forward to say Herman Cain sexually harassed them, with one even calling Cain a "monster." Cain has a press conference of his own where he's defiant, claiming he's never met public accuser #1 and only made a comment about public accuser #2's height.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: During the press conference Cain says: "I have never acted inappropriately with anyone, period. The charges and the accusations I absolutely reject: They simply didn't happen. They simply did not happen."
Ultimate Foot Fatality: By giving himself no wiggle room he is now daring more people to come forward to prove him wrong.
Cain's Response: A fifth "accuser" emerges. Cain Accuser #2 suggests she get together with the other ladies to form Sexual Harassment Accuser Voltron and force Cain to admit he's an old, dirty bastard.
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23) Princess Nancy
The Foot: During the CNBC Republican debate Herman Cain refers to former House Speaker and Democratic leader in the House, Nancy Pelosi, as "Princess Nancy." One of Cain's many "jokes," critics complain calling Rep. Pelosi a "princess" smacks of sexist insensitivity, not helping his growing rep as a lady harasser.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: When he called Pelosi a princess.
Ultimate Foot Fatality: Even GOPers are offended at the Pelosi diss. Republican strategist Steve Schmidt says Cain showed the speaker "contempt" when "she earned that title." Former White House Press Secretary Dana Perino tweeted, "Ay yi yi, former Speaker Pelosi called a princess in the debate? Not fair. We may disagree on policy, but she earned the Speaker title."
What is the world coming to when a Republican candidate can't throw some casual sexism at the former Speaker of the House of whom most GOPers loathe? God. It's like people just want Herman Cain to get the hell out this race or something!
Cain's Response: He regrets it. "That was a statement that I probably should not have made," Cain said.
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24) The Great Libyan Brain Fart
The Foot: Herman Cain continues to "wow" all with his foreign policy bona fides when he completely botches a question from the Milwuakee Journal-Sentinel on President Obama's response to the recent Libyan uprising, causing the ousting and death of long-time Libyan dictator (and Condi Rice fanatic) Muammar Gaddafi.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: During a sit-down, videotaped interview with the Journal-Sentinel, Cain, feeling a bit famished, opened his mouth and put his foot in it for the sweet, sweet nourishment those toes of ignorance could provide.
Ultimate Foot Fatality: Not having a planned answer for a simplistic, open-ended question like, "So do you agree with President Obama on Libya or not?" Perhaps he should have stuck with the old "I don't know. Do you?" answer a question with a question strategy he so carefully outlined to David Brody many, many weeks ago.
Cain's Response: Nein! Nein! Nein!
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25) Sing, Sing-A-Song!
The Foot: Taking a cue from Disney-based woodland creatures and other racial stereotypes in the only Disney movie to be banned from American existence after being an overwhelming success, Herman Cain likes to sing a song whenever he gets in a jam. It's like the movie "Everyone Says I Love You," but he's the only one making an ass of himself.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: It started when the Cain Campaign released his "gospel" album. Then this video of him singing John Lennon's "Imagine" but making it about pizza emerged. Cain really likes to sing.
Cain's Response: I'm going to go with he thinks he can sing quiet nicely. Thankyouverymuch!
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26) The Three-Page Bill
The Foot: Early into his campaign, while criticizing Barack Obama's health care plan, Herman Cain says he will only sign bills from Congress that are three pages long. This prompts naieve laughter from reporters who think they'll never hear from this guy again. Wrong. So wrong.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: While out on the campaign/book selling stump, Cain says, "Don’t try to pass a 2,700 page bill — and even they didn’t read it! You and I didn’t have time to read it. We’re too busy trying to live — send our kids to school. That’s why I am only going to allow small bills — three pages. You’ll have time to read that one over the dinner table."
Ultimate Foot Fatality: In his critique of the lengthy health care bill he ignores the reality of almost every bill -- from the Patriot Act to the Prescription Drug Plan passed under George W. Bush -- were lengthy, wordy bills. Unless he's vetoing his own party's ideas too, this one will not wash. Sometimes bills are long and complicated because the law is long and complicated. Even the U.S. Constitution is more than three pages. Deal with it.
Cain's Response: It was an exaggeration! Geez guys. You're so literal about everything. Cain is spitting metaphors and knowledge at you and you're taking that at his word? Shame!
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27) Reading (The Constitution) Is Fundamental
The Foot: Herman Cain, early in the campaign, paints himself as a staunch originalist when it comes to the Constitution. Too bad it seems like he's never actually read the thing.
Moment When Foot Entered Mouth: Too many times to name, but one notable point -- Cain once confused the U.S. Constitution for the Declaration of Independence!
Ultimate Foot Fatality: Even fellow black conservative Alan Keyes (!!!) criticizes Cain's sloppy grasp of the law. On WorldNetDaily, nonetheless.
Cain's Response: Reading is for suckers.
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Did I forget one? (There are sooo many, and I'm only human.) Add them in the comments and I'll update the list! What do you think was the most fatal hot mess Cain's mouth talked him into? I'd say it was "declaring his candidacy for president of the United States," but you might feel otherwise.
What would you say?